2011 a look back at it all.. and a peek to 2012

This year began pretty simply and like past years I had. I was just let go of a seasonal job I held at the local mall and was back to square one on the job front, but I had kept my work outs for my weight loss going all year prior expect the last two weeks. Though it wasn't hard when I was on call half the time and was only needed during thanksgiving/black Friday and days before and after Christmas. Though as the months went by I wasn't so motivated to find a replacement job and only applied here and there as it suited me.

As always I had baby sitting jobs here and there and got some funds and other things that way. I was mostly depend on my mom for all things needed and I have learnt and realized over and over again it was something I'm not very fond of because I like being on my own and finding my own way. I got to go to Disneyland here and there throughout the year when my pass gotten prior year wasn't blacked out and saw a friend I hadn't seen in a few years and that was most fun. 

Most of this year was spent working out and not being the best with my food intake so I was staying constant weight but not really changing body wise but maybe slowly toning but noting real noticeable. And hanging out when I should have been applying for jobs and getting my self in that line to get somewhere in life. I realized that I was just drifting by for most of the year and it didn't really hit me till about mid October how over it all I was and that I wanted some direction in my life but was scared to even go forward with that and not know what to do with it or perhaps ruin it.

Though in late October I buckled down and got some applications sent in before the Halloween holiday and than also some other as November started. I landed a gig at one place I went to a job fair for via a text from a friend the day before. In all this I also spent a week in both October and November on my own while my mom as out of town for work. It just strengthen the fact that I want to sure live on my own fully for a while before I settle down with anyone in my life. (Though I still feel I need to live with whom ever I do settle down with for at least a good period of time before I do as well.)

I started my new job in early November and have been working pretty steady hours since. My bad habits at my old job have pretty much disappear and I'm grateful for that. I do have my moments where I get frustrated and angry or annoyed but I vent it or let myself feel it and shake my head and move on. I think I've figured out holding it in and not just letting my emotions show about how I feel about a situation in some way is even worse than living in it constantly or saying that it sucks and turning it against my job and saying its all  the jobs fault and I hate it or what have you. I'm growing up, I'm maturing -shocker!

This year started slow but got crazy as it ended but in a good way, but also with that crazy I also got neglectful about my weight loss and well kinda my weight in general. I indulged a little (ok way ) too much and in the end result as I have learned in these past few days finally getting back on the scale since the first of the month have gained a good 13-15lbs back of what I have lost. But you know I'm not freaking out about it as much as I thought I would. I am kinda like GRRR but I also know what I need to do to fix it and get back on target and start getting better and just getting to goal. In that is half the battle, the half is actually following through with all of that.

2011 will be a life changing year even if this job doesn't last longer than perhaps April 2012 (when the exhibit I was hired for will be leaving ) Because I hope by than I will have experience and knowledge under my belt to take me anywhere I need to go and help me gain a job wherever it may be  or even keep this one I'm at that I am slowly learning to love. Even if I still have those days where I'd rather just chill at home than spend it at work on my feet.

2012 I'm hopeful for so many things, I am going to start measuring all my food intake by serving sizes (duh) and sizes and etc. to get true calories and try to stick to the healthy stuff. Whole grains, fruits veggies and lean proteins. I will indulge here and there but I have my mind on a plan that I have yet to totally finalize in planning out for all this. But I'm kicking out soda and rockstar energy drinks and fast food. The soda and fast food I let back into my life more so this year than years prior since starting my weight loss and I think it might be why I in fact have been seated with this extra weight.

I'm also gonna try and work back in my gym routine in some ways depending on my weeks schedule. I might invest in some cheap workout DVDs for days where I have time to work out but not quite the time to make it to and back to the gym for work.

Life is all about making it work for you, not letting life make you work for it. Worthwhile things are usually the ones that take the most time and effort.

I also wanna do some fun things too this coming year, though I'm not quite sure what those will be quite yet. 2012 watch out, if you are the end of the world as we know it. I'm making it worth my life.

All In A Month's Time....Though it seems much longer.

I have been working, yes working for about a month now. It feels like so much more time has gone by than that, it feels like I've had this job for so much longer. Though it also feels like it won't last either, but that is something I know I might face come April since it is a kinda of seasonal job. That is something I will be concerned with moment to moment here and there till than.

Though with all of this I have let the gym go by the way side, I haven't been since the 28th of October. I could have gone the first two weeks of November but I didnt because I got busy with baby sitting and working things out for this job thing and actually trying to turn in appplications to find a job and I wanted time to myself when I wasn't doing those things (or perhaps anything). But I kept forgetting how much a stress reliever a work out is, not to say I was stressed, but it helps me relax and refocus; and my body I know misses it. (Going today after I write this!)

Heck, I miss it. I dont know what it is about it but when you get endorpins from working out its "so" much better than eating that cupcake you feel you need to eat or that drink of beer or wine whatever you vice may be. Though gratefully I have not let my calorie counting or my journal with it go to way side so I have kept in check with it in. Maybe not with good food choices or what have you in what/how much I eat but I have kept an eye on it. Which may be my saving grace in it all, plus being up on my feet most days of the week. Oh, and the stairs I have to take a couple times a day during each shift between floors to and from breaks.

I admit I love this job, and I finally see myself letting go of my negtive aspect of dreading working and everything the way I use to be for the longest time. I don't know if I've grown out of it, seen what was wrong with it and over came it. Or maybe just maybe it works better when you care more about your job and the people you work with, than you have in the past.

I wanna make things work out, I wanna make my life work for me instead of me working for it.

I keep thinking of things to start saving my money for besides the obvious thing to avoid bank fee's and to help out around the house and to hopefully one day start to pay a good half of my bills again if not more. I have realized that part of me has out grown a couple things in my life. My car being one of them and I am forever in love the car my mom replaced her truck for. (Heck, I'm the one who kept buggin her about test driving it till we did and than she ended up getting it.) I also one day one to replace this dear old (well not that old) laptop of mine for a mac book since I hear such great things about them.

Though both as of recently have gotten repairs to make them last for a few more years. I know both though won't last forever. But anything about saving for either or making a plan to buy them I think comes when I have for sure kept this job (or another) for a good amount of time ( 6 months to a year) and know besides any unseen circumstances that I am being kept on as an employee.

I am determined to get back to the gym and start working out regularly again, its just about adapting to my new schedule and working out when I can instead of when I use to. Plus listening to my body and understanding what it more or not needs instead of wants most times. Because we all know the wants aren't always the best especially if its more about your want for a craving than need for a serving of fruits and veggies.

I want to make a deadline and say I will be at goal weight by my birthday or by the 4yr marker in this weightloss journey of mine. Though part of me things this is my undoing as it has been in the past, since I skip a day or mess up and than get freaked about meeting a goal and some how end up blowing the whole thing because I'm not on track at all and I'd rather fail and quit than really fail and not make it to goal, which actually if I think about it I am doing both anyways.

I want to eat healthy and be healthy and active as much as I can, I also want to take day(s) off and time for myself when and if I can(as needed). I think part of me is still working on living in that moment thing. There is saying that says if your always striving for that next thing or that next moment, when do you really enjoy the moment or life you are living. Plus when do you realize the time you really do have your missing out on. So focused on whats to come, than what you have right in front of you.

Life sometimes seems to be slower than you can imagine but I know as I've seen with this last month, it is short and it does go by fast and slow and everything else in between. It's how you react to it; rejecting it or embracing it that matters most when you look back on your life. Your day, and even looking towards you future because when you enjoy what you have just imagine how much more you will experince as time goes on. 

Stress is what we do to oursleves, sure sometimes its unvoidable but those are the times I think your not stressed your just frustrated. Also sometimes its just a matter of letting go of how you wish things could be and let life unfold on its own as much as possible; because most times what will be, will be.

Having life pass you by, only happens when your too scared to live it.

Well it happened. My monthly weigh in to keep track of my weight (and weight loss) finally hit I guess not an all time low but something that made me go "crap." I went over the 50lb lost marker, while it was only by about 1.4 lbs it was still a sting when I wrote it down for my records and realized that what I have (mostly haven't been) doing has an effect even if its slow.

This whole start being good for a day or so than turn the month into all red x's (over BMR limits in calories) and than wonder why I feel out of touch with this whole weight loss thing. Than it starts to spread into my life as well, though I can't say for certain, that may be looking up (more on that later).

I've let old habits of late night eating and soda drinking regularly back into my life and other things where I eat junk a lot and haven't had the loads of veggies/fruit or at least more veggies/fruit that I'm use to. Than wonder why as of this moment if I shut my eyes and relaxed I'd probably fall asleep. I'm exhausted and I feel every bit of me is craving and crying out for how good "is" when I'm treating my body right with right foods and work outs.

While my work outs have stayed pretty constant I know they arent as good as they could be and also when your not feeding your body right your not gonna get the results you want either no matter how you work out. Plus its gonna start to as in my case burn the candle on both ends till you just want to do something fun to make you happy and that sometimes leads to more junk food or at least for me it has in the past few days.

I've gotten so obessed with what my body type is what I think my body will look like when I get to goal weight, that I forget to really experince the journey because in the end that's the only way I'll learn all I need to from this. I need to use the people I look to and wonder if I'll look good as them as what I intended to look at them for, inspiration motavtaion to work out and be healthy and find tips and advice from them if possible because they got there (hopefully) the healthy way and so can I.

I'm ready for my life and well I'm sure my life has always been there since it doesnt wait for you just to get back up on your feet when you have a bad moment or off day. This time its mine for the taking, I've always had a fear that if I got to into doing one thing (one project or life career even) I'd miss out on something else in my life that perhaps I wanted.

Which not only didn't help me with current said things in life since my focus wasn't true on it. I also was scattered brained and than forced to give up or at least scared and gave up before I even stared.Though in life I've realized the only way you miss out is if you dont try or your too scared to live it how you want to, and the best way to live and do things is one step and thing a time.

It like Rome won't happen in a day but I think as long as I make myself a project in my life day to day to be the best I can be, my life will follow. As cliche as it sounds I feel like part me is right where I belong, that everything happens in its time, not exactly when you want it to be: but when your both ready for each other(thing/moment or person).

My food has been my clutch to go to for so long because it was the one thing I knew would be there, but to be in this life to live it well I have to be there. I have to show up, and not just as I'm here "zombie stare" but as I'm here ready to go, ready to learn, ready to live. And that happens with healthy mind and body, and that starts with food and is maintained with exercise.

I think my true personality is a happy-go-lucky person if I let myself be. So I think it's time to be it.
Oh... and that could be "good news" in my life? I might have a job!


As always, thank you for reading.

Standing up for my life, myself... my future..



I'm floating in limbo these last couple months and I fought trying to go back to old habits when I couldnt figure out what I was craving for when I went into the store and went  looking for snacks or food and coming up empty for anything that matched what I truly wanted. I caved here and there when things sounded good, and I've fought back and forth on the last 5-10 lbs since reaching my 50lb mark over a year ago now.  I haven't tired to do much but just exist this year so far. I did the things I needed to get by and also the things I needed so that I wouldnt totally fail at this thing I have started.

I have come to realize that yes the saying "Old habits die hard" is true but in the end I dont think they ever die. I think its our mentality of changing what we do everyday, of how we react to each thing that happens to us in our lifes that dicdates how the things that do or dont happen shape us and our life around them.

I've spent so much of my life taking people's opinons and advice to heart like it was the "almightly" himself telling me that this was how life or I were suppose to be. In the end I have seen that doing so only made it that much harder to see and to feel my true self, and in a way I never really discovered or searched for that either. In some way I might be emotionally or even mentally younger than my true age because I never "truly" got to grow up in a way. I think maybe is why half the time I feel like I'm so far behind in life, but also I realize in that I am comparing myself to others again, who's lives are not mine and in turn I can not say I'm here nor there (late or ahead) in this life of mine.

When it comes to trying to find what I really want from this life, I start getting ahead of myself I start asking things like do I wanna stay in California forever or move back to Colorado one day( the only other place I'd live) and than I get ahead of myself thinking," Well how will that happen?" I need to remind myself that right now this moment: and the day, week, month and year that has been set ahead of me are the things that matter right now. Truly I (nor anyone else) is every given another moment than the one you are living now . You can't count all the time you've had before because it cannot not be changed and its done with and you cannot count your future or your tomorrow as we call it because it hasn't happened yet and nor do we know will it for any of us.

This moment, I know this
     I am not comfortable in the body I am in, I feel like it isnt a match to how I personally am and I want to change that. I want to be fit healthy and strong, I dont think I've ever said this but I've always seen myself as a tomboy in at least I like to be active and could hang with the boys any day but also be the girl who loves a strong guy who can pick me up and carry me off to bed if ya know what I mean haha.

     This craving I mentioned before is more for a life outside these walls of my apartment building. When I freak because I'm not quite sure what to do in the career aspect of my life I know that part of figuring that out is to get back into it and truly let myself get invovled in the work I do get, and the jobs I do and see where that takes me. In the end I know if its not something I want to do forever I will figure out that quickly I'm sure.

Thirty Things, I know.... for sure.

I try to think about what I want my life to be like when I turn twenty-five, but all I can think is that it’s only two years from now. My mind asks me to think about thirty than, but it all becomes this hypothetical thing of what ifs and could be’s and I don’t want to go back down that path, and get stuck there and forget about what is right in front of me. Though I also know I need some short of direction or path for my future to go anywhere what so ever. So I thought in the grand scheme of it all I guess I’ll just write down the things I know for sure.

·         I feel like I need to grow up and put away with childlike things, but the inner child never lets me bid her away for too long.

·         I’m much more of a girly girl than a tom boy but I have my days in both realms.

·         I’m a writer, and I wished to be published and make a living out of it. (Well known or not)

·         I watch far too many cop/murder/investigation and horror sitcoms and movies for my own good, but I feel like deep down it keeps me prepared and in the know if should happen in real life.

·         Afraid that I might wake up one morning and Stanley is gone (passed away) I always give him a belly rub and kiss and tell him I love him. (Extras if he doesn’t want to sleep in my room)

·         I get in my own way more than I admit to myself; I let outside sources become inner demons.

·         I like fruit and sorbets and smoothies and such more than I like chocolate or cakes, though a chocolate chip cookie (chewy or soft) is always hard to turn down.

·         I love weather, and get bored of it staying constant and I miss Colorado more for it slightly, besides that my family is there.

·         One of my greatest fears is I will become like the extremely heavy people on TV documentaries that are too big to get out of their chair or bed.

·         Sometimes I feel like I’m constantly fighting the battle of wanting to be pretty (even considered beautiful) but not perceived as dumb. (which I think is fueled by my mother somehow)

·         In regard to the last statement I’m trying to learn to grow out of my habits of not caring how I look, and embracing how I feel and want to look for me.

·         Another one of my fears, and would be regrets is to watch life pass me by. Which I know if I don’t start acting differently or changing things up I will be doing.(Perhaps have been doing for a while now)

·         While I think some of my art and/or writing is good, most of the time I believe its amateur at best.

·         I find it hard to fall asleep at night unless I’m utterly exhausted from the day’s events. And in the morning even harder to get up, regardless of how much sleep I’ve gotten or how fast I feel asleep the night before.

·         Half the time I see the tattoo on my wrist I think it would have been better had I just gotten the one bird on the inside of my wrist near my thumb. (Though it’s constantly out ruled by the reminder it does give me when I think about its meaning.) Plus I’d never get any of my tats removed.

·         I’m afraid that in the end even when I lose the rest of my extra weight, that it won’t be enough.

·         As much as I love going out to dinner and such at night and would at most consider myself a night owl, I think I truly am more of an early morning person, when it does work out right with sleep. I quite enjoy seeing the sunrise and the morning itself.

·         I truly want to be able to go full Monty (totally out) and design and décor my bedroom/ future home one day.

·         As much as it scares me I do one day want to learn how to swim, more so that I can protect/teach my kids when I have them.

·         I want to have kids and be married by the time I’m 35. (Which might be hard to imagine at this point-see very last quote-)

·         I would never get surgery of any kind unless it was needed; I just don’t think it’s wise to mess with what Mother Nature has given you.

·         I would have to live with the guy I want to marry before I married him, since I truly do believe in the saying, “that you don’t truly know a person till you live with them”.

·         I love books and should read them more often, but when it comes to buying them it’s hard because I like to read a book than pass it along for someone else to read than it sit on a shelf to gather dust, just in case I may want to read it again one day.

·         Silly but true I watch as many England Patriot (Seasonal) games as I can just to root for the other team, because I think Tom Brady gets more credit than he deserves.

·         If/when I go back to college I want to study languages (Spanish, French, German, Greek and maybe Arabic) and better my writing and take art/design classes and some music ones(learn piano/guitar) and learn about all the religions and cultures in the world, though in the end I don’t know what degree I’d go after if anything.

·         I wouldn’t mind wearing my glasses more if the frames were wider and they changed in the sun so I wasn’t blinded when I went outside.

·         I am not only a perfectionist to a fault (where I talk myself out of things, or rush them if I know it can’t be perfect) I also have an addictive personality.

·         Alcohols taste gross to me, and in general I’d rather have a Rockstar’s energy drink or some Berry or Apple Sparkling Cider.

·         I’m really interested in how the human body works and while the site of organs is disgusting, my curiosity usual out wins my disgust. Though I can’t stand the sound of breaking bone (when they show the plastic surgeon breaking the nose on the lady getting a nose job with a hammer I cringe. It’s like nails on a chalk board to me.)

·         I am 23 years old and I have never, slow danced, dated, kissed, or had sex with a guy (or anyone) and I’m ok with that, most of the time.

Thank you For reading.

The First Step Is Always The Hardest

I've been wanting to write a new post for awhile now but just never could get my facts straight about what I wanted to say or what point I wanted to come across. I've also just been trying to get to that point when enough is enough, when I'll start doing things to get somewhere in life. Or at least further, since I can't say I like the place I'm at very much right now. It has its perks yes, but its nothing but limbo in this life, its neither here nor there and in the end its not going anywhere.

I think part of me is reaching for that direction and part of me is even just too scared to start to create a path afraid it will be wrong, afraid it wont work out. Afraid that I really dont know what I want, and I never really have. I've never really truly thought about it like fully, I've done so in par with what everyone else was doing at the time. Or in a hypothetical way that was more for fun than any real meaning behind it.

I was the kid who our senior year of high school was applying to colleges because it was the thing to do. I've always felt unless you know what your going to do, or going after than there really is no point in going because its not only a waste to your pocket in money its also a waste of time to go around in circles doing this class or that with no direction. And while yes not all those who wonder are lost, I think I am.

Part of me thinks I need to disconnect to let go of everything and see what needs to come back see what urge I have to keep doing or not doing. Let go of this set up I've come to know and start a new some how, in some way I'm not entirely sure of.

I want to say at age 25 I'll be doing this or that or going for that. I dont want to be doing the same old thing looking for something more or something to get me started in this life that is passing me by. I've always been afraid of missing out on life and I'm letting myself live in my fear every day it seems lately.

I'm proud of all the things I've done in the past, I'm glad that everything stands in the way it does because without I wouldnt be where I'm at and I dont know where else I could be and while it could be a lot worse, it could also be a lot better. I'm playing it safe, and in neutral. I'm not hiding anymore I'm not depressed in my own shit storm that I use to cause myself to exist in, but I'm not in the driver seat to my life. I'm riding passenger sometimes I make my way over slightly but never get more than half way there before I some how slide back into the comfort zone of just existing in this life.

I'm not sure what I want from this life of mine, but I'm pretty sure I can figure out quick what I dont want and hey that's something and one step makes a path as long as its followed by another no matter which way I go.


So to start this off here is something that I should have posted Sunday but didnt.

From august 21,2008 till august 21,2011 (and present, still going) I have been losing weight as past blog posts have shown in my talk about my past/issues/progress of it all.  This is a progress picture of year to year status to show how I've changed wearing the same outfit. I started at 312.4 and now (in this picture) at 256. Its about 56lbs and I still have a good 81lbs to go but I will get there.

This blog is gonna change slightly. I'll still write pieces of how I feel and cope and everything else I question daily but I want to make some happy posts, some like I figured out some stuff I wanna tell you and its exciting or I want a post where I just post pictures of things I want in life from a cozy reading chair I can sit indian style in. (see picture below)

Time to start living, and the only place I got is now.

This Little Life of Mine... I'm gonna make it shine.



I don’t really recall being fit or skinny past the age of maybe 6 or 7 years old. Though not to say that is a bad thing we all go through our baby fat as we call it, growing up. Though for me I think it just became extra weight as I kept getting older. I remember even going on a diet more than once in fifth grade but never really being that serious about it.  I ate my feelings: bad, good, or bored any of them and still do. I’ve in turn always had issues with my weight. I was teased and picked on for it, clothes didn’t fit the way I wanted to or sizes just didn’t come big enough.  

I use to have ideas of working out all summer and coming back to school with an amazing kick ass body and being all “Puffed chest” and proud and “Look at me now!” Though I might have only done one or two work outs and continued to live in the dream rather than create it.

I’ve heard from people you’ll have fabulous legs once you lose the extra weight. I’ve also tricked myself in to believing half the time if not just for a long time that I wasn’t getting bigger, the washer and dryer were shrinking my clothes. Never mind if once I went to get new ones I’d blame the store for changing designers or making them differently. While in some cases partly true but I could have also kept an eye on my body more than I did. Measurements and scales help when it comes to denial, and well so do photographs or video tapes.

Also in my life as I denied what I saw things like getting winded walking up and down a set or two of stairs to a morning math class my second semester of college. Or the factor that the auditorium chairs/desk didn’t work properly with me either, I took it to the fact that hey this place just wasn’t meant for bigger girls and that’s rude.  But there was no denying what had been happening to my waist line and size when I took a trip back home to see family and I had to suck in my stomach with all my might and pull that seat belt on the plane all the way out and pull and hope it clicked because “hell no!” was I going to ask for a seat belt extender. It hit me than as it did on my way home and when I noticed how my brother ate constantly while visiting those two weeks I was there. How I noticed the tread mill in the corner and thought about using it just to do something, but I hadn’t brought any sneakers.

I’ve always been the person who is in the constant need to being doing something. Since I can remember not even a month into summer vacation as a child I would start to get antsy and want to go back to school or just to “something”. Though I was also the kid who on her first day too sick to go to school cried because I couldn’t go to school, and another time when the snowy roads where just too bad to make it from my dad’s house.  My mom even told me recently that she got frustrated when I was an infant because I’d only be happy doing something for two hours at a time and then wanted something more or something new.

When I started to lose this extra weight almost three years ago (come next Friday) I was in it for all the possibilities of how I saw myself and never was. How I would get complements from others and also in how doing this with my friend we’d be there for each other and would rock it out and be bonded for life in that token as well.

The first year started of good for a month or so but losing a job and having a hard time finding one as the economy started to tank I also felt my own will to do this fade because it wasn’t what I thought it would be.  I tried my hardest and didn’t do as well as I thought I was able to do because I wasn’t as strong as I use to be. I only lasted till just before New Year’s that first part of it all, I only got back into it really again in May or June a couple months later and was neither here or there. I was still on the healing path from some injuries and learned first-hand that while you can take pills for pulled muscles you only use what they say is recommended because they cause other issues.

Slow results from those issues got me dissuaded as my friend was soaring high and reaching her fifty lb. weight lost point while I was still going back and forth on my first 20-35 lbs. Though I didn’t give up as the months went buy I hit our year point of losing weight at only 28.4 lbs. down. But I was also no longer dealing with muscle issues and started taking a hip hop hustle class at my local gym on Friday nights that soon turned into a Zumba class the following year.

I love that class so much and as I got closer to the teacher she kepts me inspired but also kepts me feeling guilty when I had my slip ups. Like trying to fess up to Jillian Michael's that hey I decided to eat all this junk after you worked me out the other night. Or something like that, any event by the second year mark of all this I was down another 24 lbs. and while I knew it was amazing that I had not only kept that other 28 or so lbs. off my body I had lost more I just couldn’t get over that I was nowhere near where I wanted myself to be.  By then my friend had somewhat disappeared with posting in our journals we talked to each other in and I felt semi alone in all this even though my mom had started to work and eat better with me as well (Even if she continues to smoke to this day!).

When I finally hit my own fifty pound marker I pinged my friend to celebrate and she responded with, "Please don’t talk to me about that stuff anymore I feel so bad for letting myself go and gaining it all back and I just don’t want to deal with it right now." I felt deflated, I felt like the one person I wanted to celebrate with said they didn’t give a fuck and that their issue was more than me that I didn’t matter.

I think part of me used the fire I felt from seeing her reach her fifty pound mark to reach my own. But also a little fear inside of me say if she can reach it and fail and gain it all back so can I. I didn’t want that to happen so I powered through, but I’m still stuck within the same twelve pounds or so range since then a little over a year later.  I’ve never gone and been stuck back up above that marker because I won’t let myself but I think part me thinks it’s hard enough to lose that much and gain it all back, how much of a blow will it be if I get even further and gain it all back.

I’m not even sure that’s what scares me,  I believe what scares me most is that once I get to where I think my goal weight is that it won’t be enough. That this whole thing I’m thinking will benefit me mentally and physically (and of course health wise) won’t match up with the standards I’ve set up or even semi have built around me.

I use to think I’d write a book about it and try to get it published. I use to think nah there are too many books out there too much control and issues with trying to be the next big thing in this world about weight loss and blah, blah, blah. Plus also where do get off saying I get to raise my hand to say hey I have a something worth wild to say in this conversation just because I lost weight too.

Also, lately it seems like somehow I’ve been sucked into this whole weight loss and fitness circle of becoming a trainer or class teacher one day and joining the pack of people who teach Zumba and what have you. While that would be awesome to help people in the way my teacher and such of help me, I also don’t know if I want that to be my life. I wouldn’t mind helping and answering questions when asked but this was never really about being some big weight loss/ fitness or life coach.

I got sucked into the big thing and forgot the little thing, or well the little person. Me; I got over whelmed and in turn took to my last known comfort and semi lost control but only stayed OK in it all because I didn’t give up on my workouts and in the back of my mind I know that’s something that will never go away.

My workouts have become the best stress and antsy/ anxiety buster than I can ever think of. Plus I don’t seem to be able to get as frustrated or down about life once I’ve worked out.

I guess it’s true what they say in Legally Blonde. “Work out gives you endorphins and endorphins make you happy, and happy people don’t kill their husbands.”

I don’t know how my life will shape up and I don’t know who or what I will be in the future but I know that to make the most of it I got to be in the best health and well that’s why I’m doing this weight loss thing for, nothing more and nothing less.

What If I Had Done Things Differently?

Life in general has many different forks in the road, each day we make a decision on the the so called "prong" we choose to go out on that leads us along in life. The good, the bad, the even ugly parts of life come along through all this. In this though, in moment you see yourself and your still you, no matter what happens. Perhaps a little altered or jaded by the situation or experience, but still you in a nut shell that never changes.

So maybe in that we are meant to be where were at in life, even if its not all rainbows and butterflies. Most times in life the only way to get what you want is to go after it like a bull going after that red cape in the ring. Yes we will fall, and yes we will have set backs but the only way failure becomes the answer is when you stop trying or stop looking for answers to help when the ones you've tired don't work.

                            

In reference to last post, my letting myself indulge to kill the want didn't work out so well. As I imagined the wants for other things came and so did my lack of portion control. I've made myself in the process sick over the stuff I've eaten. In that same instance though I learnt, my tolerance for these things no longer is the same. I taste things different I feel the reaction to their makeup (chemicals) in my body differently. So, I did learn something and it did help and it did set me back, but I have not fail because of it.  I've learnt soda isn't all its cracked up to be, and neither or my urges or taste for rockstars energy drinks anymore.

Cake is too sweet, and milk chocolate is almost off putting in taste compared to dark chocolate anymore. I start to crave vegetables and fruits when I eat too much junk, I really feel and realize its not my mood that I'm miserable after I eat that junk/crap its my body saying: "WHAT THE CRAP DID YOU GIVE ME!" 

I'm also in the process of probably giving up coffee for tea (expect for those Holiday drinks at Starbucks, can you say: pumpkin spice, gingerbread and peppermint mocha latte HELLO!) and I don't know how this will go, but I've always loved coffee with a cookie(or two) after dinner than in the morning, because I've never felt any real effect of it. Though maybe like soda once its out of my system for awhile with all the other sugary stuff I'll feel the difference upon drinking it again one day. But for now I'll probably have it once or twice more till my current creamer is gone, but than off to tea land it is. With our new bought kettle that whistles and everything.

I'm learning a lot of stuff through my weight loss and in my life and stuff in general lately. I feel like I'm on the edge of something amazing, but I don't want to push it out there too fast or even try to guess at what is. I want to work at what I know needs to be done to help me along in life and just go from there right now. I'm not sure at all how it will all turn out or where I'll be in a month or so from now, but hey life is full of surprises. And man do I want a good one.

Gotta Be More to Life...



Looking in the cabinets for something’s that’s not really there? That seems to be my thing lately, and not just in the shelves at home. But also in grocery store as well. It seems more than not lately I have it in mind that I want something and I go searching for it food wise but lately can’t seem to find anything that fits the bill. That craving that I think is food turns out to be something that can’t be filled with, because I can’t seem to find an answer to name the craving. Even when I do eat something that sounds good, the craving doesn’t go away.

Also, in that event my issues with food don’t go away when I indulge in something that in the end result I didn’t even need. Through this I’m starting realize that not only do I need to learn better eating but also how to differentiate between my true want/need for  food and my want for something in my life.

The food part can be the easiest of that problem because it’s real easy not to get into it, or buy it. Though the hard part is knowing what I truly want instead of it, or what it is that is picking at me with this need to be answer that I have no clue how to even address let alone try to figure out what to do about it.

Plus letting go and over indulging is real easy and most times for the moment or so can take your mind off the issue. Not that it won’t come back, and not that you won’t see issues or consequences I guess for the indulge you let yourself have depending on what it is, and how much. I’m looking for meaning in something, maybe in life to fill a hole, that well I have no clue what to call it let alone what to fill it with, and now I’m talking in circles.

Also when it comes down this, old things I use to eat and drink all the time which I know aren’t good for me start to sound good, and in my head I rationalize that hey if I go have it the need will be met. Though I’m seeing lately that once that need is met my mind finds something else to name for it, and I guess maybe I should let myself follow that path in some small way to get somewhere maybe even find something within it all. Though part of me thinks that’s stupid and it would be a waste and also that it would somehow back fire on all my progress.

Though I also realize that if I keep that thought in mind when I let myself have these said things, that maybe I’ll reach a point when I run out of things and somehow dive into deeper issues and finally figure out what I need to do or want to do to fill this ache inside myself lately.  Good thing is with this in mind I know I can decide on set things and how much of each to determine it all, and how and when. Not quite so set on the idea of it all just yet though.

I’m scared I admit to do the one thing that seems to be a big part of why I gained all the weigh in the first place. Using  food in replace of finding  or even facing, the deeper issue at hand, but I guess if I used in a controlled way and not no holds bar way that I did in the past maybe it would be helpful?

I just don’t know if I’m at that point to justify that even if maybe it would help. Part of me is antsy, and wants more out of life than I get day to day.  This isn’t one of those hiding moments of the past, it’s the need/ urge for more in my life that I’m not sure I understand quite yet how to go about.

Weight loss Progress

I posted a similar set back in January and I decided to post the ones I took on sunday for the six month progress, though from January till now I've only lost about a pound since my calories havent been the best.

The top is from june 2009 when I was at 296 and the bottom is this pass sunday june 2011 when I was at 255.2.  At my heaviest I was 312.4 but have lost those pictures from when I started taking progress pictures and have a before to compare it to.

Hope you all have a great day... and a happy fourth of july on monday. Gotta love me those fireworks!!

thanks for reading.

Habits and Voids

Lately I’m beginning to see I have this void this urge/need to have or do something always. Though the more I think the more I realize it has always been there and it never left. Be it this need to be somewhere else, do something else or in my case eat something else, I’ve never truly found something in my life that satisfies this feeling in the pit of my being. 

It seems when I’m doing well in my weight loss, going to the gym three times a week and watching my calories and foods I eat, after about three days usually I get this nagging urge to over eat to I guess “binge” on anything or well if we have something good in the house that more than others, but I get this need to go back to an old habit and I ask myself why? It can’t come up with a reason, usually I can bid it at bay for a few hours or days but somehow along the line I cave. Maybe because like they saying; old habits are hard to break (old habits die hard), or I just haven’t found a new one (habit) to replace it with.  But something in me is now really telling me, it’s not the food I’m truly wanting. In fact it’s the urge I use to quiet with food, since long ago when maybe I could name it or put an object‘s face to it upon recognition.

Since, I have turned away from it and in turn pushed it down with food or ran away from it with other problems I had to focus on, or maybe, made my life seem harder so it wasn’t an issue I needed to face since it wasn’t something that held greatest authority or problem for me at the moment. I have since lost the words to describe it let alone the face it can hold to help me recognize it. Like I can, upon seeing the letters I write here and the words they create and mean.

One thing I’ve learnt in the past few years is a lot of life’s issues and struggles are how we (people) in fact deal with or react to, issues at hand when they arise over what  things (events) occur. The whole “let the chips fall where they may,” and act accordingly. We usually act in reaction to seeing the change before it habits or even stress upon something instead of solving the issue at hand; we cry over spilled milk.

I talk from experience, especially in the past when things weren’t going right instead of sitting down and working them out (cleaning up the milk) I thought my life was shit and I was just dealt with a bad hand. Things would get better eventually, but for now life sucked. I stressed upon everything and everything pissed me off. It’s easier to do it that way, because trying to solve an issue or make things better takes effort. But like I said I was taking the easy route and wallowing in my misery, and while I knew I didn’t have it that tough I still played it out that way. I actually had it a lot better than, with all the things I was doing than I do now, but regardless I’ve learnt life is what you make it. Not in that everything will be picture perfect happy. But your reaction to things that happen are 99.9% your own and mostly how you see life and how you deal with it.

So as I have said this void in my life has decided to come up and show it’s self again, and why wouldn’t now that I’m not suppressing it with anger or stress or over eating (most of the time). The only issue I deal with is how to figure out where this void is and how to help fill or know what in fact it represents in my life right now. Plus, not be scared to try things that I think might fix it, just for the shear factor that what happens if that’s now what it is.  I’m beginning to see that my life as much as I tried not to make it so, has become this all or nothing approach.  If I don’t feel great issues with it or it doesn’t do make me feel for or against it I tend to sweep it under the rug. But if something does and I can’t solve it I panic and do the same thing.  I guess it’s my want to not seem like a perfectionist when I truly am and a lot of the time I’d rather it get it totally right, than not at all.  The whole why try it all if I feel like I’m gonna fail motto a lot of us have. Stop ourselves before disappointment, but hey isn’t that how we live and learn? Our world our universe was built on that, our disappointments and missteps are how we grow and live and change: which in fact is the only constant thing in our life.

I just have to think and act in a different way and always ask myself if my want for those tasty snacks we have are from hunger and if they aren’t than what do I need/want to do and can it be done?  It may not be so simple and it may be, but I know old habits aren’t the way to go and making new ones to replace them is the only way to break an old one really.

Shine Your Light, And Let the Whole World See.

Cheesy But True, I'm Putting My heart out on the line here.....

What I know for sure are some things simple and some things hard, more harder to admit out loud for all to read than think about them stuck inside my head. I have realized that I'm scared of not just putting myself out there but also saying a bunch of stuff about how I feel and how I want life to be, and what does it make of me if those things don't happen. Or shocker, if I change my mind when they aren't what I thought they'd be. 

Though without these things, I am nothing but a wanderer with out a sail on my boat, with out a kite on my string. A complete puzzle with no picture to show its done.  Life gets meaning from how you live it, and how you talk about it, and how you embrace it. Without any of those your just existing, and hey if this is my only shot at life, at least this life. Why waste such a glorious gift.  What benefit do I or anyone one else gain from not just being myself. Doesn't all that stuff I'm afraid of come true if I act a part? Or don't act at all.

Things I know for sure are simple this: Part of my life written in pencil, not in stone. Perhaps some ink a long the way that gets smudge/crossed or scribbled out when plans and experiences change my life.

I want to reach my goal weight to protect myself from my genes, I want to feel awesome in my body and that comes from whole foods / healthy foods and strength from work outs. I want to see myself as I've always felt myself to be.  I want to become comfortable enough to try on a bikini and like what it looks like and buy it. Maybe not wear it, but still all the same I want that level of confidence in myself to know its there, but its up to me to show it off. (When and how)

Within the next 10-12 years I wish I could meet a great guy to marry and have children with. Sadly I more so want the children now than the man, but I want a family too. =)

I want to learn more about cultures, languages, writing, animals, art and design, and people.

When I get my own place I want a Zoo, not just of people but of animals especially.

Travel to as many places as I can. My top ten places first of course. (Ask me if you want to know those places)

I never care or want to stop learning new things.

In life we have many things we wish we can do and see and I want them all, but mostly I want to find a true peace within myself because without that I know my world doesn't work right.

A few last things...

Life is never easy, but anything worth living shouldn't be.

Some times to find the things you love, you have to stop searching and let them find you.

...and finally (this quote has had a lot of different ways written and said but all the same it holds the same truth)

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children do. It's not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own lights shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

....Thank you for reading.

Wanting to look good vs. Vanity....

As I grow up and try to fully connect with myself and lose the extra weight I've notice that my appearance is something that is lacking and while with some right outfits and good hair days and a couple swipes of makeup I can feel pretty good I still don't feel quite comfortable in the skin I was born in.

Most of my life I could take it or leave it, I remember as all little girls I use to play with my moms makeup growing up and at times she would give me stuff she didn't want to use but always in the hands of her or my father to watch me with when I asked to use it. It was all for play, I out grew it when I think the more I tried  out stuff that was girly the more it seemed I was converting to what the girls, I at least deem popular  in Elementary school were doing/acting/"into". I was scared that it seemed like I was doing more things to fit in than just because I liked them. Plus when I figured that was how it worked and tired to get into their cliche and started to become so embarrassed of myself and the things I did, well more of the things I asked them to help me do (lose weight mostly, run me like gym class at recess) just to be like them. I mean for Christ's Sake one of the girls in the group said to be part of their group to be their friends we all had to be wearing bras, this was fourth/fifth grade folks.

As I decided to just be myself and be me my distance from them came from natural course though we still talked in class and were friendly enough. It was soon after I started to go through my tomboy phase, and I'll admit it back than I wouldn't bath unless I felt I needed it. Gross, but hey I was a kid and I was in the whole I wanted to be a boy I want to be manly I guess mind frame and that's how I saw it was to be in my way of being at the time. I don't know if my want to be a tomboy came from my need or fear of trying to get as far away from the whole situation above or not but it did some how in a strange way strike a cord with me when it comes to a lot of things girly.

I've gone back and forth on the issues of all things girly related since I can remember. I also remember the first day of my period even when we went to the store after school I just had to get nail polish and some girly magazine because hey if I was gonna be a "girl" for real now and soon a women I needed to do this stuff right? I'm thinking that's what I thought, I'm not at all sure. I think I also ended up using that nail polish to use as painted on clothes for a barbie I had just recently cut off all her hair.  As time has went as I grew up, I fought the whole bra thing I wore sports bras for the longest time because I just couldn't get use to the underwire for the life of me. But its my saving grace in the boob department now, believe me. I went through the whole I want to wear make up I don't want to wear makeup. Than the whole CRAP I don't know how to do makeup, having a friend of a friend do a make over which was really wash my hair and dry it and do spotty foundation on my face that wasn't even my color to begin with.

I remember walking home that day thinking, this is what all the guys want? We do this for them? Why? And in my 12-13 year old mind I said, Screw it. I ain't wearing it, I'm not gonna try and some guy will come around and if he likes me for that than he's the one. Which in theory is smart for that age, but also kinda totally wrong because in that instant I think I gave up. I gave up caring I gave up because I wanted someone to like me for me, but I was so afraid of being labeled as something else that I started to make myself into pretty much a blank canvas unless talking with certain people. I've learnt lots about broad topics and things because of this, which is cool but any event.

 I didn't want to be vain, I didn't want to be anything but me. But I also shut down any thing I found interesting that either was too out there for people to accept of me for who I thought they thought I was for someone who didn't care of such things. Someone who was so above the system and her own person that I didn't want to be this hypocrite of a person doing something totally not me. That when I acted myself at times I did it anyways because your true personality shows despite the clothes you wear and the color of your hair and all the above.

I have done so much protective damage control against the outside world that I judge myself based on how I think others might see me most of the time than how I see myself, so I can't get hurt. That suppressed a lot when I do that and in turn I turned to food and at my lowest I've turn to sleeping the days away so I'll  only have to deal with point whatever hours of myself and the world. I know it sounds like I'm depressed, but I'm not, I'm just scared. Just trying to be myself in a world so full of what you should do and be's for every age group your in or gender your are.

Its hard to figure yourself out and just be a kid at the same time, but it also is hard to find a life direction when your still stuck back there trying to grow up and become yourself  that in some way you've forgot how cause you've hid from the things you've wanted to try and suppressed the want to do this or wear that or whatever that your scared to admit to the things in case of the judgement you spent your life trying to block yourself from.  But in the end the only one truly judging you that matters when you fall asleep at night is you.

Now I'm just trying to cope with letting myself be, but also not come across as vain, but also that I still care about how I look and how I feel, because you can't love anyone else if you can't first love yourself. If anything of that makes sense at all.

Walls of Life- A Short Story.

I wrote this a couple weeks ago and posted it on my facebook and didn't know if I wanted to post it here, but here it is. Enjoy!
    


   The wall that I've hit and also hid from has become my new set back, my feeling of lack of trying or not caring that I know this thing I do this action I take or dont take doesnt benefit me. But it makes life easy, it make me live without fear, without doubt without, anything. I've hit this wall telling it I know what I'm doing now break down and let me through, let me move on from this point and get to where I want to be.

This wall asks me, "What is that? What is it that you want to be."
 "I want to be thin, I want to be healthy, I want to live my life," the wall agrees and than asks me another question,
 "What is your life? what do you plan to do that I must fall apart where I'm quite content to stand forever."
'I want to do all the things I want do in life my life", I told the wall but its slient. "I want to do the things I want to do in my life," I say again.
The wall remains still." Look," I tell it  "I have already figured out the reasons why I have been where I have been. I'm changing things to go there", I say pointing past the wall.  "Really?" It questions me. "Yes, really." I say.

"Than push me and I shall fall," it tells me and I do but I feel no give and the hard I push the harder I try the stronger the wall seems.
The more I back of and ignore the wall and try to live within the space I have been given. But to go anywhere I have to face this wall that seems not to move. "Why wont you move!" I tell it, and it doesnt speak. I take a breath and I clear my head and look out at my world as it is, I see things and people and sometimes if i listen close enough I hear the wall shake but it doesn't not fall.

"How have I gotten this far but some how can't seem to go no further, I can go easily back to the way things use to be, but not further ahead". "What happened that I got stuck here." 
"You gave up trying," I hear the wall say.
 "I did not I still get up every morning I still live I still do things I need to do every day."  "ALL THINGS" it questions me.
"Well to a point," I say with a shrug.
It is than that it says, "You are not living a life you say you wish to live." 
"Well no, I haven't gotten to that point yet, I have to reach that like everyone else."
 "Why must you wait to live your life?" it questions me. 

"Thats how life works you work towards your goals and your life and everything else follow." I tell the wall but it becomes slient again, almost as if this a slience has become its way of saying NO I disagree, I start to think.

"I need to work towards the things I want to get the things I want in life to make my life the way I want it."
 "You still have not shared this life with me," it replies.
 "Why should I, this is my life to live not yours, your just a road block in my way!"
 " No, I'm not a road block I am not anything of that sort."
 "Your a wall," I tell it.
"To you maybe," it replies.

"Oh shut up, you just wish me not to be happy," I tell it with a roll of my eyes and turn around but than I realize looking ahead its still there, I turn around again and again and I shout, "AM I GOING CRAZY OR ARE YOU EVERYWHERE!"

"I am no where," it says and makes me raise my brow but it says no more. I take a breath and focus on something else and the room I seem to become incased in dissapears till the wall is alone again.  I remember what it said, I no where.
 "How can you be no where," I ask.
 "Because I am nothing,"
"How can you be nothing," I ask.  It doesnt reply.
"WALL ANSWER ME!"

"I am not a wall," it tells me.  I roll my eyes and run a hand through my hair with a frustrated sigh.

"Than what are you?" I ask.
"I am cannot tell, you must see," It tells me.

"SEE WHAT!" I ask with a shriek as maddening start to seep into my brains.
"You will see when you are ready," it says and goes slient once again.

And like other times life goes on and the wall becomes a thought nothing more but I get no where but where I've been. The wall only appears when I question it when I ask myself where do I want to go in life why does it seem I can't even get to the half way point of this journey I've started. But it seems its tired of my answers tired of playing games.

It has become a slient wall that I have tired to dig under or through. I've tried many attempts to change its position in my life yet there it stands.
"Why wont you go away?: I question it sure it wont answer.

"Because you dont want me to," it says shocking me.
"I do want you to go away, do you not see me trying to get away from you."
"Why would you want to do that?" it questions.

"SO I can live my life," I tell it.
"Life is already in progress right now," it tells me.
"Yeah, yeah, yeah," I shrug it off ignoring the settement that I have always found interesting in the past.

"Let me live my life!" I tell it and shrinks and I think I'm starting to win and it grows back up again.
"GET OUT OF MY WAY!" I shout and it shrinks again to nothing but knee high, I try to step over it thinking i've won when it with a force I'm on my back staring at the wall again, and now it seems taller, wider and stronger than before.

"Ignore me all you wish, this is what you've always done," it starts to say when I start to think of other things.
"What else can I do!" I ask it.
"Face me". it says and I roll my eyes
"But your a wall!"  I tell it

"Never a wall," it responds
"Always a wall," I argue!

"Only to you."

"Why only to me!" I ask not quite sure what it's getting at.
"You see me as a wall, you think me as a wall because you want to get past me you want to ignore me, you want to escape me but you can't."

"But you are the only thing in my way," I tell it.
"True, that part I will agree with," it says making me shake my head with a chuckle.

"What should I see you as if not a wall," I ask it.
"That I can not tell you," is all it says.
Rubbing my eyes I dont think I don't do anything but breath.

"Be aware," it whispers.
"Of what!" I ask with a whisper of a yell looking towards the floor.
It doesnt speak  I look up and the wall is no longer there but I also feel as I can not move my feet.

Be aware I hear this time in my head.
I try to be aware of my thoughts but there are none.
I try to be aware of the people around me, I have more happy moments with them but I still feel stuck in place.
I try to be aware of my actions but yet nothing changes.

"If I could be the where I want to be I'm sure I could move I'm sure I wouldnt be here," I say outloud.

"Are you sure about that," I hear a voice as feet step toes to match mine.
I start to look up but feels like I shouldnt so I stop.

"I'm sure if I had everything I needed, the ducks in a row as they call it I'd be fine."
"Really, and what are these ducks?" This voice asks that sounds much like the wall but not really at all.

"Happy life, with all the things I want to do and be." I say watching the person in front of me toe's wiggle
"You listen well to others but not to yourself" it tells me.

"Maybe I dont take my own advice as much as I should," I say but I hear them sigh in frustration.
"You arent aware are you, maybe I should go," they tells me.

I start to look up but they put their hand on my shoulder.
"Dont look up quite yet." they say and the voice no longer sounds like the wall's ever did.

"But I want to know who you are," I tell them.
"You already do, you just arent aware of it yet." it says.

"Huh" I ask as my head snaps up but I forget what is said  when I stare back at myself.

"You look like me but, but..." I start to lose focus on my thoughts.
"I look like how you always imagined yourself to be in that pretty little head of yours," she says back with a chuckle.

"Hey don't use our wit against me." I say but smile.
"How." I ask and see her face fall or would it be my face fall.

We stand in slience till I start to focus on other things problems and I see her dissapear and the wall start to build up again.
"Wait come back!" I say but the wall is slient.

"I just wanted to know how to get there," I say to myself in a whisper.
"By being you." I hear the wall's voice say.

"Huh!?" I say.
"Listen to yourself," it tells me.

I try but again I feel stuck, I start to think of the things in life I like the things in life that are good and things I could do and be and the wall starts to shrink, this time I dont think about winning over it. This time I think about myself and how I am and how that helps or a lot of time doesnt help my sitaution, my life.

"Life is now ain't it." I hear my voice again
Looking again its the me, that I've always thought I could be, nothing more nothing less.

"Your the wall?" I ask.
"When you want me to be." I hear myself say.
It dawns on me than, " I am only stopping myself," I say.

"Yup," She says
"So how do I stop this wall from coming back," I ask.

"Think about it, We both know you got this if you try," She says.
"If I'm aware," I ask with raised eyebrow and sort of worry.

"Its all your doing," I hear her say walking behind me, looking at something with a sad yet understanding face.
"Well not everything," I say thinking of things that are out of my control.

"well no, but your life could have gone a lot differently up till now," she says.
"oh la de dah miss I know how good my life is," I say and she shakes her head.

"I was there," she points at behind me.
Turning I look and see my past. see my life and everything in it.
"I always have been, you just choose to ignore me but now that you want to face it you have to face me too."

"Face myself," I ask slightly confused.
"Let yourself be, stop hiding it. Stop doing things for the sake of others instead of yourself," She says.

"But thats selfish and people will hate me."
"Not like that, I mean in place of others when you need it more," she says turning back to stand next to me looking ahead.

"What will people think," I ask.
Laughing she looks at me, "They always will, why try stop them it wont work."

"Easier said than done," I say.
"Nah, done is done, and being said could make it happen later or hey in most cases not even at all."She places a hand on my shoulder and turns me to look and her.

"Be aware," I question
"Yup, ask yourself whos in your way, if there is something your doing or not doing in your life to not help where you want this to go, change it," she says.

"If I can't at the moment," I ask.
"Than be aware of it till it can be, nothing wrong with being aware and opened minded is there?" she smirks.

"If you dont stand for nothing you fall for anything," I say.
"Even if its just standing up for yourself," she told me.

"When will I look like you," I ask seeing myself for the first time how I always felt I would.
"You'll know it when you see it," she laughed.
I rolled my eyes and suddenly I was alone, well till I saw the small sets of walls off in the distance.
It was in listening to myself that I knew,
Each life moment, has our own self walls that we must stand for or against to have the life where care to lead.

To the elephant in the room, that is emotions.

Late night mind chatter when falling asleep at times can give you the best ideas and sometimes the best insight to who we really are. If we remember these things of course, lately I’ve been stuck in my head of doing anything really. I think I compared it to trying to do the Macarena in a crowded clown car for some odd reason I don’t know, maybe because I couldn’t think of where else it would be hard to actually do it. Anyways, as my thoughts tend to drift about things to do, things I should be doing and could be’s and what if’s as I tried to go to sleep either last night or the nights past I started to think about emotions.

Blame Oprah’s network new show “Addicted to Food” (Monday nights I believe) where they showed words to use in their therapy sessions to help/ control the situation I guess;  and how we sometimes can’t really separate the real emotion from the need to feed ourselves be it with food or whatever else you have found your coping mechanism to be. My mind kept telling me that boredom was my issue that need of finding something else to do. But I know I also eat because of things like stress, of trying to hide from an issue or even because I’m happy and it sounds good because well that treat(food) brings happy feelings too.  That’s when emotions came into play about how I deal with them how I react how I am in fact emotional. 

Not your typical can cry at the simplest thing or at the drop of a hat or anything it’s more of I’m very mellow unless I feel strongly about a certain issue thing or whatever it is. It’s like I guess the best way to explain it would be the bang that comes after the dynamites fuse has worn out. I get so worked up about an issue till I bust and that’s how I feel things. Most people have a degree I guess knob we can call it about how much we care or think about an issue.  People can usually control that, me on the other hand I react to things like the catch phrase “Winning-duh” has caught on by we know who.

When it comes to food part of my emotional stand point I think was to feel that powerful fullness; aka too full really. Or even sometimes that ache of I need to eat in the past came too, but I think a slightly small factor to this was the way my parents worded how we went about seconds in our household. It was always if you want more, than when you’re done you can get more. Not if you’re hungry, plus we also had the whole clean your plate method which we know isn’t the best advice either.

When life came into it when thinking about how I feel so lost a lot of the time, when I think about my future and things I want to do. I realize I’m looking for that extreme emotion or connection to what I want to do with my life, that I think others have when they find the thing they want to do. What maybe I’m missing is that this is one of those times they find a peace or a need or pull towards that one thing, more times than other things and not this shouting voice in quiet room saying “BE THIS” or “BE THAT.”  They’ve probably thought about it or it’s just something that makes sense to them because they’ve done it all their life and like doing it. Or when thinking about it, that is where they wanted to help out in the world.

I haven’t found my one path yet and I don’t think I’m meant for one solid path, don’t really think anyone is. It’s about what we see and how we relate to the world, dynamite emotions or not. But it’s helped me realize that just like other things in this world that, I probably share this weird emotional thing too and well that helps. Plus it makes me not worry so much about finding my shouting source of where I’m supposed to be in this world. Maybe after all it’s not a shouting voice it’s just a whisper going, “Hey remember me.”

Thanks for reading.