Back at it again, at this thing called life.

Distractions are inevitable in life, but sometimes they can take all of your focus away from a task or life. Sometimes they're helpful to reduce stress and come to a peace in a time where you need to let go of things and the only way how is to turn your mind off or on to something else.

Or in my case take the last 20-30mins to look at things online instead of coming here to type this post, and then struggle to get comfortable as you type and thinking about moving from the normal laying on the floor with your laptop back to the couch again.. 

 

 

I have been processing this post for awhile now, probably sense my last one, and most of March. Which I guess says a lot since its well, almost May.

 

I felt like when Chandler proposed to Monica on FRIENDS and he was so worried about where he said it, or how it said it, or what he said, that instead he made her believe marriage was the last thing on his mind.

 

My life in a nut shell sometimes. I feel like I've written this post a thousand times, and said this stuff a hundred more times than that. I know what I need to do to make a change in my life for the better, and my choices mostly out of pure laziness seem to have me going down this drain round about cycle of what by definition would be insanity. (Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.)

 

When I start to make plans to visit family I don't feel guilty about making them, but when I decided I'd rather not spend a full week back in Colorado on the twin bed at my Dad's house again and would rather only come out for a few day and then finally make my Boston trip afterword's I start to feel guilty. Guilty that I should be saving for school to go back and get my degree, to finally move out on my own. I should start to take that money and pay off my car or I should help my mom out more than I do. I should, I should, I should.

 

It's tiring really to get into that mind set, and I do it a lot with all the ideas I get in my head, and that's when I really need to disconnect, from the web, from the world, from life. And then guess what happens. I feel guilty for that. Though recently I've gotten so frustrated at myself when I can say I know what I need to do and I know what I want to do in life, and yet I can't quite managed to find that peace and stillness inside myself to handle  the balance of both sets of wants and needs in my life.

 



I've tried to figure out what makes me do this, why I am  this way. I've come to realize there is only habits from lack of knowledge that I let continue.

There is just pure I don't give a shit moments, that turn into days or weeks.

There is my over-analytical brain trying to rationalize every single thought or idea about said situations or the ten to thousand situations or out comes around said issue. 

Most on things that will not come to pass yet, or probably ever will.

So much so that I make my life into this big old waiting game of life that doesn't solve anything. And wonder the constant question, I think a lot of us ask.

When will my life begin?

 

The one thing I've embraced is that I know that this is really a silly question, because your life is happening right now. This all around us. It doesn't wait for some big moment, or some grand scheme of your beautiful mind to come to fore-wishing. It as one of my favorite quotesfrom the movie "A Lot like Love.": Life is all around us happening now, it doesn't wait for you to get back on your feet. (I may be paraphrasing on that bit..)

 

 For some reason even though I knew this and tried my best to live by it, I still felt like I was waiting for that opportune moment, that sign that said hey you ready now, or its time. Perhaps it was even maybe the permission given to me that I needed. But like I've said a lot in life I tend to lived in my head about things, and that includes a major one that is horrible to admit and I know we all do it.

 

I care a little too much about what people think about the things I say or do in my life.

 

Don't get me wrong, if its a strong belief I am a passionate person and I stick with it and deal with it, but I get so stuck in the ability of just analyzing (again) what people may say or think if I say or do the wrong thing.

 

Or perhaps even the right thing, that I start to look outside myself for guidance in life more times than I should. Or in opinions or ideas that while nice to have the outside perspective I tend to jump the gun to even hear if it sounds like a good idea to others instead of just working it out myself and seeing what comes to pass with it and  just letting it be my own thing.

 

After all this is my life, and if I'm only gonna get one shot at it why in the world should I wait for anyone else's permission but my own to live it right.

 

Right now the biggest thing I think I can give myself, is the ability to be ok with not being ok.  To be just fine in the present moment of this is what it is. It's not bad, its not good; its life.

 

Taking a step day by day towards where I will find the most happiness is what I'm after, the most peace where my brain can just go "that's it."

 

There are a few things  I know for sure (yes one of these again)

I need to lose the extra weight, its holding me back plain and simple. I again as I stated above I know what needs to be done do this, and really I just need to stop being so lazy and talking myself out of it, and do those things. It won't always be the thing I want to be doing, but the results will help me far more than just, being confident in how I look. I won't be "literally" weighed down by it in my life anymore.

 

 

I don't want this to be my main struggle in life for the rest of my life. I want it get the weight off and I want to better my health in a way that I can balance the foods that aren't the best for you with the mixture of the ones that are and a workout or activity plan that keeps me at a healthy weight in my life for the future I got in store for me.



I need to do this not for the liking of others or the possible a guy that I could meet, to be honest part of me feels that if I was more ok in how I looked (shallow as it is) that I would be able to come across more  myself than I do now, and people would see that and I could possible attract people differently. (This isn't against anyone this is just my opinion of myself because I do feel so out of place in my body at the weight it's at.)

Its a small piece of the puzzle I know, but when growing up dealing with extra weight to dealing with it as adult, and when it got out of hand and you didn't know any better or I just choose not to see it becoming a problem. But I feel like if I can get a handle of it and not feel all the pressure of my body feeling out of sync with who I am it will only better my life in the long run, both physically and mentally.

Another piece to said  puzzle of life is exploring my world outside the walls and life I've built in California. My life is here because I've made it here, but a lot of the time I feel like perhaps my "home" isn't here. Not to bag on it or say its horrible (minus the CA Summer months; a hot weather girl I am not) but I live here, I play here with my friends, and while I do live with my mother at the moment and I feel at home with her, I don't feel like I've necessarily made California home either and Colorado at the moment doesn't feel much closer to it either.

But like I mentioned above I want to travel and open up my options a bit. I wanna visit family again and meet my newest 2nd cousin. I want to finally cash in (figuratively at the moment) my chips for that Boston trip (Massachusetts/ Concord area really) that I've been planning off and on since 2013-4.

I wanna strengthen my connections to my family, while its been a little over a year since I visited them. I feel more happy since I went with that connection. Though small, and being able to keep in contact on Facebook helps too.

 

Massachusetts has just been a place that the more I hear about it, from the people to the events to the towns themselves to perhaps some apartment kitchen I feel in love with and need to see in person I just wanna go out there and see what it's like. Plus I kinda love the idea of just dropping everything here for a few days and disconnecting in a state where I'm not known, where I can come and go as I please. Make some friends and some stories to tell, or keep all to myself.

 

Perhaps in the long run I might start making this week of Colorado and Boston trip (Four days in each state) a bi-annual thing or whatever works in my budget once I get back into school after I get back from the first one I'm saving and planning for in September.

Scared doesn't even began to define my feelings on these things. I've talked myself in and out of the travel plans many times, I've talked myself in and out of losing weight, of feeling confident in being a curvy girl to feeling bad for being over weight (or fat). And I've gotten down on my self for being lazy about my weight and fitness a number of times and it does no good.

So time to change things up a bit and try to live my life the best way I got.

This Little Life of Mine... I'm gonna make it shine.



I don’t really recall being fit or skinny past the age of maybe 6 or 7 years old. Though not to say that is a bad thing we all go through our baby fat as we call it, growing up. Though for me I think it just became extra weight as I kept getting older. I remember even going on a diet more than once in fifth grade but never really being that serious about it.  I ate my feelings: bad, good, or bored any of them and still do. I’ve in turn always had issues with my weight. I was teased and picked on for it, clothes didn’t fit the way I wanted to or sizes just didn’t come big enough.  

I use to have ideas of working out all summer and coming back to school with an amazing kick ass body and being all “Puffed chest” and proud and “Look at me now!” Though I might have only done one or two work outs and continued to live in the dream rather than create it.

I’ve heard from people you’ll have fabulous legs once you lose the extra weight. I’ve also tricked myself in to believing half the time if not just for a long time that I wasn’t getting bigger, the washer and dryer were shrinking my clothes. Never mind if once I went to get new ones I’d blame the store for changing designers or making them differently. While in some cases partly true but I could have also kept an eye on my body more than I did. Measurements and scales help when it comes to denial, and well so do photographs or video tapes.

Also in my life as I denied what I saw things like getting winded walking up and down a set or two of stairs to a morning math class my second semester of college. Or the factor that the auditorium chairs/desk didn’t work properly with me either, I took it to the fact that hey this place just wasn’t meant for bigger girls and that’s rude.  But there was no denying what had been happening to my waist line and size when I took a trip back home to see family and I had to suck in my stomach with all my might and pull that seat belt on the plane all the way out and pull and hope it clicked because “hell no!” was I going to ask for a seat belt extender. It hit me than as it did on my way home and when I noticed how my brother ate constantly while visiting those two weeks I was there. How I noticed the tread mill in the corner and thought about using it just to do something, but I hadn’t brought any sneakers.

I’ve always been the person who is in the constant need to being doing something. Since I can remember not even a month into summer vacation as a child I would start to get antsy and want to go back to school or just to “something”. Though I was also the kid who on her first day too sick to go to school cried because I couldn’t go to school, and another time when the snowy roads where just too bad to make it from my dad’s house.  My mom even told me recently that she got frustrated when I was an infant because I’d only be happy doing something for two hours at a time and then wanted something more or something new.

When I started to lose this extra weight almost three years ago (come next Friday) I was in it for all the possibilities of how I saw myself and never was. How I would get complements from others and also in how doing this with my friend we’d be there for each other and would rock it out and be bonded for life in that token as well.

The first year started of good for a month or so but losing a job and having a hard time finding one as the economy started to tank I also felt my own will to do this fade because it wasn’t what I thought it would be.  I tried my hardest and didn’t do as well as I thought I was able to do because I wasn’t as strong as I use to be. I only lasted till just before New Year’s that first part of it all, I only got back into it really again in May or June a couple months later and was neither here or there. I was still on the healing path from some injuries and learned first-hand that while you can take pills for pulled muscles you only use what they say is recommended because they cause other issues.

Slow results from those issues got me dissuaded as my friend was soaring high and reaching her fifty lb. weight lost point while I was still going back and forth on my first 20-35 lbs. Though I didn’t give up as the months went buy I hit our year point of losing weight at only 28.4 lbs. down. But I was also no longer dealing with muscle issues and started taking a hip hop hustle class at my local gym on Friday nights that soon turned into a Zumba class the following year.

I love that class so much and as I got closer to the teacher she kepts me inspired but also kepts me feeling guilty when I had my slip ups. Like trying to fess up to Jillian Michael's that hey I decided to eat all this junk after you worked me out the other night. Or something like that, any event by the second year mark of all this I was down another 24 lbs. and while I knew it was amazing that I had not only kept that other 28 or so lbs. off my body I had lost more I just couldn’t get over that I was nowhere near where I wanted myself to be.  By then my friend had somewhat disappeared with posting in our journals we talked to each other in and I felt semi alone in all this even though my mom had started to work and eat better with me as well (Even if she continues to smoke to this day!).

When I finally hit my own fifty pound marker I pinged my friend to celebrate and she responded with, "Please don’t talk to me about that stuff anymore I feel so bad for letting myself go and gaining it all back and I just don’t want to deal with it right now." I felt deflated, I felt like the one person I wanted to celebrate with said they didn’t give a fuck and that their issue was more than me that I didn’t matter.

I think part of me used the fire I felt from seeing her reach her fifty pound mark to reach my own. But also a little fear inside of me say if she can reach it and fail and gain it all back so can I. I didn’t want that to happen so I powered through, but I’m still stuck within the same twelve pounds or so range since then a little over a year later.  I’ve never gone and been stuck back up above that marker because I won’t let myself but I think part me thinks it’s hard enough to lose that much and gain it all back, how much of a blow will it be if I get even further and gain it all back.

I’m not even sure that’s what scares me,  I believe what scares me most is that once I get to where I think my goal weight is that it won’t be enough. That this whole thing I’m thinking will benefit me mentally and physically (and of course health wise) won’t match up with the standards I’ve set up or even semi have built around me.

I use to think I’d write a book about it and try to get it published. I use to think nah there are too many books out there too much control and issues with trying to be the next big thing in this world about weight loss and blah, blah, blah. Plus also where do get off saying I get to raise my hand to say hey I have a something worth wild to say in this conversation just because I lost weight too.

Also, lately it seems like somehow I’ve been sucked into this whole weight loss and fitness circle of becoming a trainer or class teacher one day and joining the pack of people who teach Zumba and what have you. While that would be awesome to help people in the way my teacher and such of help me, I also don’t know if I want that to be my life. I wouldn’t mind helping and answering questions when asked but this was never really about being some big weight loss/ fitness or life coach.

I got sucked into the big thing and forgot the little thing, or well the little person. Me; I got over whelmed and in turn took to my last known comfort and semi lost control but only stayed OK in it all because I didn’t give up on my workouts and in the back of my mind I know that’s something that will never go away.

My workouts have become the best stress and antsy/ anxiety buster than I can ever think of. Plus I don’t seem to be able to get as frustrated or down about life once I’ve worked out.

I guess it’s true what they say in Legally Blonde. “Work out gives you endorphins and endorphins make you happy, and happy people don’t kill their husbands.”

I don’t know how my life will shape up and I don’t know who or what I will be in the future but I know that to make the most of it I got to be in the best health and well that’s why I’m doing this weight loss thing for, nothing more and nothing less.

Weight loss Progress

I posted a similar set back in January and I decided to post the ones I took on sunday for the six month progress, though from January till now I've only lost about a pound since my calories havent been the best.

The top is from june 2009 when I was at 296 and the bottom is this pass sunday june 2011 when I was at 255.2.  At my heaviest I was 312.4 but have lost those pictures from when I started taking progress pictures and have a before to compare it to.

Hope you all have a great day... and a happy fourth of july on monday. Gotta love me those fireworks!!

thanks for reading.

Actions Speak Louder than words. (Only way to fail is to give up or not to try..)

Yup, I'm a people pleaser. I do things most of the time to be liked as vain as that is, but at the same token I don't go out of my way to be something I'm not to impress or be around people. I've tried though, trust me on that it's not worth it. I've done it and just become ashamed of myself for even doing so, exhausted at myself for trying to put up something that was never there and also in the process blocked/ forgot who I truly was in the first place.

 I've mentioned before that, my person (mentally) and my image in the mirror (physically) don't mesh or connect.  I've come to the point where I don't remember them ever being so. A lot of the time I wish I could step out of myself and see how I come across as a person because as much as I do be myself and just think as me I feel like some how I don't know my true identity. Though maybe I won't truly know that till I'm done with my life, but like most unknown things they scare me and that being so personable and key to me is the scariest I think.

As I lose weight I feel like part of me is even more lost than I was before. Almost as if with the weight I had more of a persona maybe? It confuses me on how to describe where I'm at right now. I'm at the point where I'm almost at the 1/2 point in losing this weight and wanting to get into more stuff that shows more of who I am or at least I'm starting to become as I let this shell of excess weight go and timidly so, stand out as who I am for once and not hide behind things, like I've done.

But like always I meet blockers, the question that comes up are; Am I doing this truly for me? Is it worth it? Am I just trying too hard? Among other things like when I go for trying to wear makeup more or at least learn how to make my apperance something that looks like I care more than I use to seems like crap, am I being vain and shallow? Not to say that those who do care and do it every day are so. For me I dont want to be defined by that so I guess in the way I never put the effort in so I couldnt be. But also in the same boat, I was defined by my lack there of, because well inaction is just as much an action as doing something whatever the cause or siutation may be. Than when I start to get pass that the money issue comes in, like do I really want to spend the money on this? And I'm back at the being defined as someone who cares about her looks, but yea know I sit here and type this and saying it over and over again; "Someone who Cares." It starts to sound silly.

Than I also really read what I just wrote. "Someone who Cares"  .... isn't that what this is all about? Caring about myself more than I have in the past more than what was needed. Case in point, why I got to the weight I was and hid behind it, because well in that small token as much as I dont want to admit it, "I didnt care."  But in reality I did.  I cared too much what others thought, and not what I thought of myself and my actions.

A friend said this a couple days back:

I think that's normal. The more i live, the more i wonder if we're all full of false bravado in order to just make it through the day. I’m getting to the point where i care less and less, though i hate feeling so insecure with myself. Am i just one of many? Perhaps that's why people are so quick to judge others-- it's a momentary comfort. What might seem like an insult is really just a way of relating. It makes you feel better. Not because you're superior, but perhaps because somebody just happens to be a bit like you.

   In life we freak out so much about what other people are thinking about us that we forget that most of the time they really are only worrying about what you think of them. We are all waiting for that moment where we can say, "Oh you too?"  And I think if we focused on that our worlds might be a little bit more peaceful each day.

Take the time on yourself because most the time no one else will, and hey you deserve it. We all do.

THANKS FOR READING.

Facing the Issues at hand and info of things to come.

      Unlike our friend Homer here, I dont day dream about Donuts. But I do day dream about my future and my way of life and how that is viewed by others in an unhealthy obession at times. I think that's where my own food coping systems came in to play, I felt bad and I knew that piece of pizza was in the fridge or that whatever have you was in the kitchen or with in asking a parent for dinner something that was I guess a good thing that would balance the scale of how I felt because it took care of the problem. Or so I thought, because it really didn't take care of the problem, it pushed it down under the surface for the time being.


    Like most issues that you deal with; be it boredom, be it depression, be it anger or just feeling like you dont quite match up or meet expections, you can't run from them. You can numb the feeling, escape it with a substance, drug or drink, or in my case food. I've done this for awhile, probably since about 4th grade it could be earlier than that but probably not earlier than third, well maybe.  You see I've done it for so long and like most things its become second nature to me a habit that in the past when I wasn't thinking seemed normal. Only because to me it was, it had become a way of life. I felt bad I ate, I was bored I ate, I was happy... I ate.


    It was something that I did for an activity a lot of the time as well as a coping mechanism. It seemed that with coping with food I lost the ability to cope in a normal way with emotions, or words. I get effended (some times even to this day) easily for the silliest things. I will at times cry when I'm angry or upset at something/ someone, and than I get pissed at my self and well than I would cry more. So in coping with that I turned to writing, and as you can read I may not be the best writer out there but its what worked for me. It helped me get my views and ideas acrossed when I felt like I couldn't speak about what I wanted to say.


   That is in part why I made this blog so that I had a place to just lay it out on the line and share it in a way that maybe helps me because it helps others that I know understand what I'm going through and just can't explain it to (because I'm well, just chicken shit and scared of them judging me or ridculing me for it really). Also it might be helping you guys the readers if hey you relate to anything I have to say here. I Hope it does, because we aren't alone in this world, we all matter and we all have a voice a place to help one another and this world out.


Part of this is to write pieces like this, that talk about personally issues and what I'm going through or have gone through. Another is to write out weightloss progress that I've been doing since about August 2008 till present and still on going. Another is just to write things I'm thinking about; be it doing in my life/ planning for future/ ideas I've had or really just opinions on issues. You may or may not like everything I post and that's fine, your intitled to that just as I am intitled to write what I want on my blog.

... if your liking what you've read so far I hope you keep reading, I'm not sure how often I'll post but I'll try to do a weight loss post a least once this month if not by the first of the month.

As always thank you for reading.
D.