Looking in the cabinets for something’s that’s not really there? That seems to be my thing lately, and not just in the shelves at home. But also in grocery store as well. It seems more than not lately I have it in mind that I want something and I go searching for it food wise but lately can’t seem to find anything that fits the bill. That craving that I think is food turns out to be something that can’t be filled with, because I can’t seem to find an answer to name the craving. Even when I do eat something that sounds good, the craving doesn’t go away.
Also, in that event my issues with food don’t go away when I indulge in something that in the end result I didn’t even need. Through this I’m starting realize that not only do I need to learn better eating but also how to differentiate between my true want/need for food and my want for something in my life.
The food part can be the easiest of that problem because it’s real easy not to get into it, or buy it. Though the hard part is knowing what I truly want instead of it, or what it is that is picking at me with this need to be answer that I have no clue how to even address let alone try to figure out what to do about it.
Plus letting go and over indulging is real easy and most times for the moment or so can take your mind off the issue. Not that it won’t come back, and not that you won’t see issues or consequences I guess for the indulge you let yourself have depending on what it is, and how much. I’m looking for meaning in something, maybe in life to fill a hole, that well I have no clue what to call it let alone what to fill it with, and now I’m talking in circles.
Also when it comes down this, old things I use to eat and drink all the time which I know aren’t good for me start to sound good, and in my head I rationalize that hey if I go have it the need will be met. Though I’m seeing lately that once that need is met my mind finds something else to name for it, and I guess maybe I should let myself follow that path in some small way to get somewhere maybe even find something within it all. Though part of me thinks that’s stupid and it would be a waste and also that it would somehow back fire on all my progress.
Though I also realize that if I keep that thought in mind when I let myself have these said things, that maybe I’ll reach a point when I run out of things and somehow dive into deeper issues and finally figure out what I need to do or want to do to fill this ache inside myself lately. Good thing is with this in mind I know I can decide on set things and how much of each to determine it all, and how and when. Not quite so set on the idea of it all just yet though.
I’m scared I admit to do the one thing that seems to be a big part of why I gained all the weigh in the first place. Using food in replace of finding or even facing, the deeper issue at hand, but I guess if I used in a controlled way and not no holds bar way that I did in the past maybe it would be helpful?
I just don’t know if I’m at that point to justify that even if maybe it would help. Part of me is antsy, and wants more out of life than I get day to day. This isn’t one of those hiding moments of the past, it’s the need/ urge for more in my life that I’m not sure I understand quite yet how to go about.
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