Having life pass you by, only happens when your too scared to live it.

Well it happened. My monthly weigh in to keep track of my weight (and weight loss) finally hit I guess not an all time low but something that made me go "crap." I went over the 50lb lost marker, while it was only by about 1.4 lbs it was still a sting when I wrote it down for my records and realized that what I have (mostly haven't been) doing has an effect even if its slow.

This whole start being good for a day or so than turn the month into all red x's (over BMR limits in calories) and than wonder why I feel out of touch with this whole weight loss thing. Than it starts to spread into my life as well, though I can't say for certain, that may be looking up (more on that later).

I've let old habits of late night eating and soda drinking regularly back into my life and other things where I eat junk a lot and haven't had the loads of veggies/fruit or at least more veggies/fruit that I'm use to. Than wonder why as of this moment if I shut my eyes and relaxed I'd probably fall asleep. I'm exhausted and I feel every bit of me is craving and crying out for how good "is" when I'm treating my body right with right foods and work outs.

While my work outs have stayed pretty constant I know they arent as good as they could be and also when your not feeding your body right your not gonna get the results you want either no matter how you work out. Plus its gonna start to as in my case burn the candle on both ends till you just want to do something fun to make you happy and that sometimes leads to more junk food or at least for me it has in the past few days.

I've gotten so obessed with what my body type is what I think my body will look like when I get to goal weight, that I forget to really experince the journey because in the end that's the only way I'll learn all I need to from this. I need to use the people I look to and wonder if I'll look good as them as what I intended to look at them for, inspiration motavtaion to work out and be healthy and find tips and advice from them if possible because they got there (hopefully) the healthy way and so can I.

I'm ready for my life and well I'm sure my life has always been there since it doesnt wait for you just to get back up on your feet when you have a bad moment or off day. This time its mine for the taking, I've always had a fear that if I got to into doing one thing (one project or life career even) I'd miss out on something else in my life that perhaps I wanted.

Which not only didn't help me with current said things in life since my focus wasn't true on it. I also was scattered brained and than forced to give up or at least scared and gave up before I even stared.Though in life I've realized the only way you miss out is if you dont try or your too scared to live it how you want to, and the best way to live and do things is one step and thing a time.

It like Rome won't happen in a day but I think as long as I make myself a project in my life day to day to be the best I can be, my life will follow. As cliche as it sounds I feel like part me is right where I belong, that everything happens in its time, not exactly when you want it to be: but when your both ready for each other(thing/moment or person).

My food has been my clutch to go to for so long because it was the one thing I knew would be there, but to be in this life to live it well I have to be there. I have to show up, and not just as I'm here "zombie stare" but as I'm here ready to go, ready to learn, ready to live. And that happens with healthy mind and body, and that starts with food and is maintained with exercise.

I think my true personality is a happy-go-lucky person if I let myself be. So I think it's time to be it.
Oh... and that could be "good news" in my life? I might have a job!


As always, thank you for reading.

Standing up for my life, myself... my future..



I'm floating in limbo these last couple months and I fought trying to go back to old habits when I couldnt figure out what I was craving for when I went into the store and went  looking for snacks or food and coming up empty for anything that matched what I truly wanted. I caved here and there when things sounded good, and I've fought back and forth on the last 5-10 lbs since reaching my 50lb mark over a year ago now.  I haven't tired to do much but just exist this year so far. I did the things I needed to get by and also the things I needed so that I wouldnt totally fail at this thing I have started.

I have come to realize that yes the saying "Old habits die hard" is true but in the end I dont think they ever die. I think its our mentality of changing what we do everyday, of how we react to each thing that happens to us in our lifes that dicdates how the things that do or dont happen shape us and our life around them.

I've spent so much of my life taking people's opinons and advice to heart like it was the "almightly" himself telling me that this was how life or I were suppose to be. In the end I have seen that doing so only made it that much harder to see and to feel my true self, and in a way I never really discovered or searched for that either. In some way I might be emotionally or even mentally younger than my true age because I never "truly" got to grow up in a way. I think maybe is why half the time I feel like I'm so far behind in life, but also I realize in that I am comparing myself to others again, who's lives are not mine and in turn I can not say I'm here nor there (late or ahead) in this life of mine.

When it comes to trying to find what I really want from this life, I start getting ahead of myself I start asking things like do I wanna stay in California forever or move back to Colorado one day( the only other place I'd live) and than I get ahead of myself thinking," Well how will that happen?" I need to remind myself that right now this moment: and the day, week, month and year that has been set ahead of me are the things that matter right now. Truly I (nor anyone else) is every given another moment than the one you are living now . You can't count all the time you've had before because it cannot not be changed and its done with and you cannot count your future or your tomorrow as we call it because it hasn't happened yet and nor do we know will it for any of us.

This moment, I know this
     I am not comfortable in the body I am in, I feel like it isnt a match to how I personally am and I want to change that. I want to be fit healthy and strong, I dont think I've ever said this but I've always seen myself as a tomboy in at least I like to be active and could hang with the boys any day but also be the girl who loves a strong guy who can pick me up and carry me off to bed if ya know what I mean haha.

     This craving I mentioned before is more for a life outside these walls of my apartment building. When I freak because I'm not quite sure what to do in the career aspect of my life I know that part of figuring that out is to get back into it and truly let myself get invovled in the work I do get, and the jobs I do and see where that takes me. In the end I know if its not something I want to do forever I will figure out that quickly I'm sure.

Gotta Be More to Life...



Looking in the cabinets for something’s that’s not really there? That seems to be my thing lately, and not just in the shelves at home. But also in grocery store as well. It seems more than not lately I have it in mind that I want something and I go searching for it food wise but lately can’t seem to find anything that fits the bill. That craving that I think is food turns out to be something that can’t be filled with, because I can’t seem to find an answer to name the craving. Even when I do eat something that sounds good, the craving doesn’t go away.

Also, in that event my issues with food don’t go away when I indulge in something that in the end result I didn’t even need. Through this I’m starting realize that not only do I need to learn better eating but also how to differentiate between my true want/need for  food and my want for something in my life.

The food part can be the easiest of that problem because it’s real easy not to get into it, or buy it. Though the hard part is knowing what I truly want instead of it, or what it is that is picking at me with this need to be answer that I have no clue how to even address let alone try to figure out what to do about it.

Plus letting go and over indulging is real easy and most times for the moment or so can take your mind off the issue. Not that it won’t come back, and not that you won’t see issues or consequences I guess for the indulge you let yourself have depending on what it is, and how much. I’m looking for meaning in something, maybe in life to fill a hole, that well I have no clue what to call it let alone what to fill it with, and now I’m talking in circles.

Also when it comes down this, old things I use to eat and drink all the time which I know aren’t good for me start to sound good, and in my head I rationalize that hey if I go have it the need will be met. Though I’m seeing lately that once that need is met my mind finds something else to name for it, and I guess maybe I should let myself follow that path in some small way to get somewhere maybe even find something within it all. Though part of me thinks that’s stupid and it would be a waste and also that it would somehow back fire on all my progress.

Though I also realize that if I keep that thought in mind when I let myself have these said things, that maybe I’ll reach a point when I run out of things and somehow dive into deeper issues and finally figure out what I need to do or want to do to fill this ache inside myself lately.  Good thing is with this in mind I know I can decide on set things and how much of each to determine it all, and how and when. Not quite so set on the idea of it all just yet though.

I’m scared I admit to do the one thing that seems to be a big part of why I gained all the weigh in the first place. Using  food in replace of finding  or even facing, the deeper issue at hand, but I guess if I used in a controlled way and not no holds bar way that I did in the past maybe it would be helpful?

I just don’t know if I’m at that point to justify that even if maybe it would help. Part of me is antsy, and wants more out of life than I get day to day.  This isn’t one of those hiding moments of the past, it’s the need/ urge for more in my life that I’m not sure I understand quite yet how to go about.