The First Step Is Always The Hardest

I've been wanting to write a new post for awhile now but just never could get my facts straight about what I wanted to say or what point I wanted to come across. I've also just been trying to get to that point when enough is enough, when I'll start doing things to get somewhere in life. Or at least further, since I can't say I like the place I'm at very much right now. It has its perks yes, but its nothing but limbo in this life, its neither here nor there and in the end its not going anywhere.

I think part of me is reaching for that direction and part of me is even just too scared to start to create a path afraid it will be wrong, afraid it wont work out. Afraid that I really dont know what I want, and I never really have. I've never really truly thought about it like fully, I've done so in par with what everyone else was doing at the time. Or in a hypothetical way that was more for fun than any real meaning behind it.

I was the kid who our senior year of high school was applying to colleges because it was the thing to do. I've always felt unless you know what your going to do, or going after than there really is no point in going because its not only a waste to your pocket in money its also a waste of time to go around in circles doing this class or that with no direction. And while yes not all those who wonder are lost, I think I am.

Part of me thinks I need to disconnect to let go of everything and see what needs to come back see what urge I have to keep doing or not doing. Let go of this set up I've come to know and start a new some how, in some way I'm not entirely sure of.

I want to say at age 25 I'll be doing this or that or going for that. I dont want to be doing the same old thing looking for something more or something to get me started in this life that is passing me by. I've always been afraid of missing out on life and I'm letting myself live in my fear every day it seems lately.

I'm proud of all the things I've done in the past, I'm glad that everything stands in the way it does because without I wouldnt be where I'm at and I dont know where else I could be and while it could be a lot worse, it could also be a lot better. I'm playing it safe, and in neutral. I'm not hiding anymore I'm not depressed in my own shit storm that I use to cause myself to exist in, but I'm not in the driver seat to my life. I'm riding passenger sometimes I make my way over slightly but never get more than half way there before I some how slide back into the comfort zone of just existing in this life.

I'm not sure what I want from this life of mine, but I'm pretty sure I can figure out quick what I dont want and hey that's something and one step makes a path as long as its followed by another no matter which way I go.


So to start this off here is something that I should have posted Sunday but didnt.

From august 21,2008 till august 21,2011 (and present, still going) I have been losing weight as past blog posts have shown in my talk about my past/issues/progress of it all.  This is a progress picture of year to year status to show how I've changed wearing the same outfit. I started at 312.4 and now (in this picture) at 256. Its about 56lbs and I still have a good 81lbs to go but I will get there.

This blog is gonna change slightly. I'll still write pieces of how I feel and cope and everything else I question daily but I want to make some happy posts, some like I figured out some stuff I wanna tell you and its exciting or I want a post where I just post pictures of things I want in life from a cozy reading chair I can sit indian style in. (see picture below)

Time to start living, and the only place I got is now.