No longer wanting to be stuck in wonderland.

Life in general is more what you put in it and what you do with it than what happens to you. It become choas if you let it go too far or don't do anything to change things that are going wrong like in my case.

While most things happen day to day that you have no control over, a good percentage of things happen that you can shape or react to in ways that can make your day or hurt and ruin it. That can lead to a downward cycle of the same thing over and over, till you un-sure of which way is up or down anymore.

I've noticed when this happens for me I start to over in indulge with food and than get annoyed that when my clothes are fresh from the laundry don't quite fit like they use to. I get even more frustrated when looking in the mirror and not liking what I see and just seems like I've become a lost cause and I have more ugly duckling days than not.

I guess in a sense when things get busy or tough I cave and do bare mininum to get by and than realize, that I can't do that if I want to be happy in this life of mine and get frustrated when I just seem to have no enegry to give a damn. When in a since I'm not giving a damn at all. That's what I use to do and it turned into this dark thing that I could care less about the world, I guess when I dont give a damn I get depressed.  So I go to my first choice to cope or fill the void, I eat, when I need to fill  it instead with working out or going out and doing something besides working and hanging out at home. Sure there needs to be those days off where you can just veg but its all about balance.

Though it becames this double edge sword because like I've said in past entries when I do it well and balanced this void or lacking that I need something or need to do comes up that I can't name and dont quite understand and my first instinct is to name it as hungry out of pass habit when its really not and than go searching the shelves or store isles for something to fill it up with. I've also done in the past when it got down to my low point with clothes and other misc things because what I didn't see was the food wasn't filling up that void. It wasn't what I needed or probably even wanted, still isn't.

I think I need to start fresh to start new start planning my weeks better and taking it day by day again. Getting in a better place with food and than get back to working out when I can around work hours. (YES STILL WORKING!!) Life is about choices as I said and to make my life mine and to feel right for me. I have to dig deep and figure it out, one step at a time. Than when those void feelings come about I can address them with a clear head and know that its much more than food or going to shop for something I frankly wont find in a dress or a new pair of shoes.

Maybe after all this time my void feelings are telling me what I'm missing is a life. To live to breath to exlpore to get out of the house and off the couch. I mean no matter how much I work out and how healthy I am I guess if you spend most of the time on the couch besides work and necessary errands wouldnt you still be a couch potato? lol.

That last little bit made me hopeful made me excited and happy. It makes me realize that while I already know life is more than possesions and food,  I can get pass this all and get back on track to making myself more free to be the person I am meant to be. I also think part of me is scared that perhaps I'll change in all of this or as I use to say when I was heavier I dont wanna lose weight because if I do I might get conceieted and have an ego and etc. That was a joke/excuse,  I dont think I could ever be that shallow. I care to much about what other people think of me (which is something I probably will never not do, as much as I try to break that little annoying habit) and just like every one else I'll have my fabolous days to my  ugly duckling days, just the same.

When it comes down to it all. I wanna lose the extra weight I'm carry around, I dont feel comfortable in it. Not to say I'm against anyone who is more heavy than not or more curvy than not or heck more skinny than not. I'm in the boat with whatever works for you, though just lean on the side of healthy if you can.

I do one day wanna be able to wear a bikni to the beach, will I ever? I dont necessarily know, it would great to feel that confident and happy with body for sure. I wanna be strong and feel great in the body I was meant to have all along. Trust me if I was meant to have this body I wouldnt have lost the 40-50lbs I have lost and wiggled back and forth on in the pass few years. (And still lose when I eat healthy and am semi-active)

I'm not necessarily sure I'll be happy with the body I gain in the end, but I know I'm not happy with the one I have now. I have my good days and my bad days with it, but I know it could be so much better. Plus I know it will be better for me in the end for my health and my future. No matter where that may be or where it may take me, I gotta be ready to be open to all its possiblities right?

2011 a look back at it all.. and a peek to 2012

This year began pretty simply and like past years I had. I was just let go of a seasonal job I held at the local mall and was back to square one on the job front, but I had kept my work outs for my weight loss going all year prior expect the last two weeks. Though it wasn't hard when I was on call half the time and was only needed during thanksgiving/black Friday and days before and after Christmas. Though as the months went by I wasn't so motivated to find a replacement job and only applied here and there as it suited me.

As always I had baby sitting jobs here and there and got some funds and other things that way. I was mostly depend on my mom for all things needed and I have learnt and realized over and over again it was something I'm not very fond of because I like being on my own and finding my own way. I got to go to Disneyland here and there throughout the year when my pass gotten prior year wasn't blacked out and saw a friend I hadn't seen in a few years and that was most fun. 

Most of this year was spent working out and not being the best with my food intake so I was staying constant weight but not really changing body wise but maybe slowly toning but noting real noticeable. And hanging out when I should have been applying for jobs and getting my self in that line to get somewhere in life. I realized that I was just drifting by for most of the year and it didn't really hit me till about mid October how over it all I was and that I wanted some direction in my life but was scared to even go forward with that and not know what to do with it or perhaps ruin it.

Though in late October I buckled down and got some applications sent in before the Halloween holiday and than also some other as November started. I landed a gig at one place I went to a job fair for via a text from a friend the day before. In all this I also spent a week in both October and November on my own while my mom as out of town for work. It just strengthen the fact that I want to sure live on my own fully for a while before I settle down with anyone in my life. (Though I still feel I need to live with whom ever I do settle down with for at least a good period of time before I do as well.)

I started my new job in early November and have been working pretty steady hours since. My bad habits at my old job have pretty much disappear and I'm grateful for that. I do have my moments where I get frustrated and angry or annoyed but I vent it or let myself feel it and shake my head and move on. I think I've figured out holding it in and not just letting my emotions show about how I feel about a situation in some way is even worse than living in it constantly or saying that it sucks and turning it against my job and saying its all  the jobs fault and I hate it or what have you. I'm growing up, I'm maturing -shocker!

This year started slow but got crazy as it ended but in a good way, but also with that crazy I also got neglectful about my weight loss and well kinda my weight in general. I indulged a little (ok way ) too much and in the end result as I have learned in these past few days finally getting back on the scale since the first of the month have gained a good 13-15lbs back of what I have lost. But you know I'm not freaking out about it as much as I thought I would. I am kinda like GRRR but I also know what I need to do to fix it and get back on target and start getting better and just getting to goal. In that is half the battle, the half is actually following through with all of that.

2011 will be a life changing year even if this job doesn't last longer than perhaps April 2012 (when the exhibit I was hired for will be leaving ) Because I hope by than I will have experience and knowledge under my belt to take me anywhere I need to go and help me gain a job wherever it may be  or even keep this one I'm at that I am slowly learning to love. Even if I still have those days where I'd rather just chill at home than spend it at work on my feet.

2012 I'm hopeful for so many things, I am going to start measuring all my food intake by serving sizes (duh) and sizes and etc. to get true calories and try to stick to the healthy stuff. Whole grains, fruits veggies and lean proteins. I will indulge here and there but I have my mind on a plan that I have yet to totally finalize in planning out for all this. But I'm kicking out soda and rockstar energy drinks and fast food. The soda and fast food I let back into my life more so this year than years prior since starting my weight loss and I think it might be why I in fact have been seated with this extra weight.

I'm also gonna try and work back in my gym routine in some ways depending on my weeks schedule. I might invest in some cheap workout DVDs for days where I have time to work out but not quite the time to make it to and back to the gym for work.

Life is all about making it work for you, not letting life make you work for it. Worthwhile things are usually the ones that take the most time and effort.

I also wanna do some fun things too this coming year, though I'm not quite sure what those will be quite yet. 2012 watch out, if you are the end of the world as we know it. I'm making it worth my life.

All In A Month's Time....Though it seems much longer.

I have been working, yes working for about a month now. It feels like so much more time has gone by than that, it feels like I've had this job for so much longer. Though it also feels like it won't last either, but that is something I know I might face come April since it is a kinda of seasonal job. That is something I will be concerned with moment to moment here and there till than.

Though with all of this I have let the gym go by the way side, I haven't been since the 28th of October. I could have gone the first two weeks of November but I didnt because I got busy with baby sitting and working things out for this job thing and actually trying to turn in appplications to find a job and I wanted time to myself when I wasn't doing those things (or perhaps anything). But I kept forgetting how much a stress reliever a work out is, not to say I was stressed, but it helps me relax and refocus; and my body I know misses it. (Going today after I write this!)

Heck, I miss it. I dont know what it is about it but when you get endorpins from working out its "so" much better than eating that cupcake you feel you need to eat or that drink of beer or wine whatever you vice may be. Though gratefully I have not let my calorie counting or my journal with it go to way side so I have kept in check with it in. Maybe not with good food choices or what have you in what/how much I eat but I have kept an eye on it. Which may be my saving grace in it all, plus being up on my feet most days of the week. Oh, and the stairs I have to take a couple times a day during each shift between floors to and from breaks.

I admit I love this job, and I finally see myself letting go of my negtive aspect of dreading working and everything the way I use to be for the longest time. I don't know if I've grown out of it, seen what was wrong with it and over came it. Or maybe just maybe it works better when you care more about your job and the people you work with, than you have in the past.

I wanna make things work out, I wanna make my life work for me instead of me working for it.

I keep thinking of things to start saving my money for besides the obvious thing to avoid bank fee's and to help out around the house and to hopefully one day start to pay a good half of my bills again if not more. I have realized that part of me has out grown a couple things in my life. My car being one of them and I am forever in love the car my mom replaced her truck for. (Heck, I'm the one who kept buggin her about test driving it till we did and than she ended up getting it.) I also one day one to replace this dear old (well not that old) laptop of mine for a mac book since I hear such great things about them.

Though both as of recently have gotten repairs to make them last for a few more years. I know both though won't last forever. But anything about saving for either or making a plan to buy them I think comes when I have for sure kept this job (or another) for a good amount of time ( 6 months to a year) and know besides any unseen circumstances that I am being kept on as an employee.

I am determined to get back to the gym and start working out regularly again, its just about adapting to my new schedule and working out when I can instead of when I use to. Plus listening to my body and understanding what it more or not needs instead of wants most times. Because we all know the wants aren't always the best especially if its more about your want for a craving than need for a serving of fruits and veggies.

I want to make a deadline and say I will be at goal weight by my birthday or by the 4yr marker in this weightloss journey of mine. Though part of me things this is my undoing as it has been in the past, since I skip a day or mess up and than get freaked about meeting a goal and some how end up blowing the whole thing because I'm not on track at all and I'd rather fail and quit than really fail and not make it to goal, which actually if I think about it I am doing both anyways.

I want to eat healthy and be healthy and active as much as I can, I also want to take day(s) off and time for myself when and if I can(as needed). I think part of me is still working on living in that moment thing. There is saying that says if your always striving for that next thing or that next moment, when do you really enjoy the moment or life you are living. Plus when do you realize the time you really do have your missing out on. So focused on whats to come, than what you have right in front of you.

Life sometimes seems to be slower than you can imagine but I know as I've seen with this last month, it is short and it does go by fast and slow and everything else in between. It's how you react to it; rejecting it or embracing it that matters most when you look back on your life. Your day, and even looking towards you future because when you enjoy what you have just imagine how much more you will experince as time goes on. 

Stress is what we do to oursleves, sure sometimes its unvoidable but those are the times I think your not stressed your just frustrated. Also sometimes its just a matter of letting go of how you wish things could be and let life unfold on its own as much as possible; because most times what will be, will be.

Having life pass you by, only happens when your too scared to live it.

Well it happened. My monthly weigh in to keep track of my weight (and weight loss) finally hit I guess not an all time low but something that made me go "crap." I went over the 50lb lost marker, while it was only by about 1.4 lbs it was still a sting when I wrote it down for my records and realized that what I have (mostly haven't been) doing has an effect even if its slow.

This whole start being good for a day or so than turn the month into all red x's (over BMR limits in calories) and than wonder why I feel out of touch with this whole weight loss thing. Than it starts to spread into my life as well, though I can't say for certain, that may be looking up (more on that later).

I've let old habits of late night eating and soda drinking regularly back into my life and other things where I eat junk a lot and haven't had the loads of veggies/fruit or at least more veggies/fruit that I'm use to. Than wonder why as of this moment if I shut my eyes and relaxed I'd probably fall asleep. I'm exhausted and I feel every bit of me is craving and crying out for how good "is" when I'm treating my body right with right foods and work outs.

While my work outs have stayed pretty constant I know they arent as good as they could be and also when your not feeding your body right your not gonna get the results you want either no matter how you work out. Plus its gonna start to as in my case burn the candle on both ends till you just want to do something fun to make you happy and that sometimes leads to more junk food or at least for me it has in the past few days.

I've gotten so obessed with what my body type is what I think my body will look like when I get to goal weight, that I forget to really experince the journey because in the end that's the only way I'll learn all I need to from this. I need to use the people I look to and wonder if I'll look good as them as what I intended to look at them for, inspiration motavtaion to work out and be healthy and find tips and advice from them if possible because they got there (hopefully) the healthy way and so can I.

I'm ready for my life and well I'm sure my life has always been there since it doesnt wait for you just to get back up on your feet when you have a bad moment or off day. This time its mine for the taking, I've always had a fear that if I got to into doing one thing (one project or life career even) I'd miss out on something else in my life that perhaps I wanted.

Which not only didn't help me with current said things in life since my focus wasn't true on it. I also was scattered brained and than forced to give up or at least scared and gave up before I even stared.Though in life I've realized the only way you miss out is if you dont try or your too scared to live it how you want to, and the best way to live and do things is one step and thing a time.

It like Rome won't happen in a day but I think as long as I make myself a project in my life day to day to be the best I can be, my life will follow. As cliche as it sounds I feel like part me is right where I belong, that everything happens in its time, not exactly when you want it to be: but when your both ready for each other(thing/moment or person).

My food has been my clutch to go to for so long because it was the one thing I knew would be there, but to be in this life to live it well I have to be there. I have to show up, and not just as I'm here "zombie stare" but as I'm here ready to go, ready to learn, ready to live. And that happens with healthy mind and body, and that starts with food and is maintained with exercise.

I think my true personality is a happy-go-lucky person if I let myself be. So I think it's time to be it.
Oh... and that could be "good news" in my life? I might have a job!


As always, thank you for reading.

Standing up for my life, myself... my future..



I'm floating in limbo these last couple months and I fought trying to go back to old habits when I couldnt figure out what I was craving for when I went into the store and went  looking for snacks or food and coming up empty for anything that matched what I truly wanted. I caved here and there when things sounded good, and I've fought back and forth on the last 5-10 lbs since reaching my 50lb mark over a year ago now.  I haven't tired to do much but just exist this year so far. I did the things I needed to get by and also the things I needed so that I wouldnt totally fail at this thing I have started.

I have come to realize that yes the saying "Old habits die hard" is true but in the end I dont think they ever die. I think its our mentality of changing what we do everyday, of how we react to each thing that happens to us in our lifes that dicdates how the things that do or dont happen shape us and our life around them.

I've spent so much of my life taking people's opinons and advice to heart like it was the "almightly" himself telling me that this was how life or I were suppose to be. In the end I have seen that doing so only made it that much harder to see and to feel my true self, and in a way I never really discovered or searched for that either. In some way I might be emotionally or even mentally younger than my true age because I never "truly" got to grow up in a way. I think maybe is why half the time I feel like I'm so far behind in life, but also I realize in that I am comparing myself to others again, who's lives are not mine and in turn I can not say I'm here nor there (late or ahead) in this life of mine.

When it comes to trying to find what I really want from this life, I start getting ahead of myself I start asking things like do I wanna stay in California forever or move back to Colorado one day( the only other place I'd live) and than I get ahead of myself thinking," Well how will that happen?" I need to remind myself that right now this moment: and the day, week, month and year that has been set ahead of me are the things that matter right now. Truly I (nor anyone else) is every given another moment than the one you are living now . You can't count all the time you've had before because it cannot not be changed and its done with and you cannot count your future or your tomorrow as we call it because it hasn't happened yet and nor do we know will it for any of us.

This moment, I know this
     I am not comfortable in the body I am in, I feel like it isnt a match to how I personally am and I want to change that. I want to be fit healthy and strong, I dont think I've ever said this but I've always seen myself as a tomboy in at least I like to be active and could hang with the boys any day but also be the girl who loves a strong guy who can pick me up and carry me off to bed if ya know what I mean haha.

     This craving I mentioned before is more for a life outside these walls of my apartment building. When I freak because I'm not quite sure what to do in the career aspect of my life I know that part of figuring that out is to get back into it and truly let myself get invovled in the work I do get, and the jobs I do and see where that takes me. In the end I know if its not something I want to do forever I will figure out that quickly I'm sure.

Thirty Things, I know.... for sure.

I try to think about what I want my life to be like when I turn twenty-five, but all I can think is that it’s only two years from now. My mind asks me to think about thirty than, but it all becomes this hypothetical thing of what ifs and could be’s and I don’t want to go back down that path, and get stuck there and forget about what is right in front of me. Though I also know I need some short of direction or path for my future to go anywhere what so ever. So I thought in the grand scheme of it all I guess I’ll just write down the things I know for sure.

·         I feel like I need to grow up and put away with childlike things, but the inner child never lets me bid her away for too long.

·         I’m much more of a girly girl than a tom boy but I have my days in both realms.

·         I’m a writer, and I wished to be published and make a living out of it. (Well known or not)

·         I watch far too many cop/murder/investigation and horror sitcoms and movies for my own good, but I feel like deep down it keeps me prepared and in the know if should happen in real life.

·         Afraid that I might wake up one morning and Stanley is gone (passed away) I always give him a belly rub and kiss and tell him I love him. (Extras if he doesn’t want to sleep in my room)

·         I get in my own way more than I admit to myself; I let outside sources become inner demons.

·         I like fruit and sorbets and smoothies and such more than I like chocolate or cakes, though a chocolate chip cookie (chewy or soft) is always hard to turn down.

·         I love weather, and get bored of it staying constant and I miss Colorado more for it slightly, besides that my family is there.

·         One of my greatest fears is I will become like the extremely heavy people on TV documentaries that are too big to get out of their chair or bed.

·         Sometimes I feel like I’m constantly fighting the battle of wanting to be pretty (even considered beautiful) but not perceived as dumb. (which I think is fueled by my mother somehow)

·         In regard to the last statement I’m trying to learn to grow out of my habits of not caring how I look, and embracing how I feel and want to look for me.

·         Another one of my fears, and would be regrets is to watch life pass me by. Which I know if I don’t start acting differently or changing things up I will be doing.(Perhaps have been doing for a while now)

·         While I think some of my art and/or writing is good, most of the time I believe its amateur at best.

·         I find it hard to fall asleep at night unless I’m utterly exhausted from the day’s events. And in the morning even harder to get up, regardless of how much sleep I’ve gotten or how fast I feel asleep the night before.

·         Half the time I see the tattoo on my wrist I think it would have been better had I just gotten the one bird on the inside of my wrist near my thumb. (Though it’s constantly out ruled by the reminder it does give me when I think about its meaning.) Plus I’d never get any of my tats removed.

·         I’m afraid that in the end even when I lose the rest of my extra weight, that it won’t be enough.

·         As much as I love going out to dinner and such at night and would at most consider myself a night owl, I think I truly am more of an early morning person, when it does work out right with sleep. I quite enjoy seeing the sunrise and the morning itself.

·         I truly want to be able to go full Monty (totally out) and design and décor my bedroom/ future home one day.

·         As much as it scares me I do one day want to learn how to swim, more so that I can protect/teach my kids when I have them.

·         I want to have kids and be married by the time I’m 35. (Which might be hard to imagine at this point-see very last quote-)

·         I would never get surgery of any kind unless it was needed; I just don’t think it’s wise to mess with what Mother Nature has given you.

·         I would have to live with the guy I want to marry before I married him, since I truly do believe in the saying, “that you don’t truly know a person till you live with them”.

·         I love books and should read them more often, but when it comes to buying them it’s hard because I like to read a book than pass it along for someone else to read than it sit on a shelf to gather dust, just in case I may want to read it again one day.

·         Silly but true I watch as many England Patriot (Seasonal) games as I can just to root for the other team, because I think Tom Brady gets more credit than he deserves.

·         If/when I go back to college I want to study languages (Spanish, French, German, Greek and maybe Arabic) and better my writing and take art/design classes and some music ones(learn piano/guitar) and learn about all the religions and cultures in the world, though in the end I don’t know what degree I’d go after if anything.

·         I wouldn’t mind wearing my glasses more if the frames were wider and they changed in the sun so I wasn’t blinded when I went outside.

·         I am not only a perfectionist to a fault (where I talk myself out of things, or rush them if I know it can’t be perfect) I also have an addictive personality.

·         Alcohols taste gross to me, and in general I’d rather have a Rockstar’s energy drink or some Berry or Apple Sparkling Cider.

·         I’m really interested in how the human body works and while the site of organs is disgusting, my curiosity usual out wins my disgust. Though I can’t stand the sound of breaking bone (when they show the plastic surgeon breaking the nose on the lady getting a nose job with a hammer I cringe. It’s like nails on a chalk board to me.)

·         I am 23 years old and I have never, slow danced, dated, kissed, or had sex with a guy (or anyone) and I’m ok with that, most of the time.

Thank you For reading.

The First Step Is Always The Hardest

I've been wanting to write a new post for awhile now but just never could get my facts straight about what I wanted to say or what point I wanted to come across. I've also just been trying to get to that point when enough is enough, when I'll start doing things to get somewhere in life. Or at least further, since I can't say I like the place I'm at very much right now. It has its perks yes, but its nothing but limbo in this life, its neither here nor there and in the end its not going anywhere.

I think part of me is reaching for that direction and part of me is even just too scared to start to create a path afraid it will be wrong, afraid it wont work out. Afraid that I really dont know what I want, and I never really have. I've never really truly thought about it like fully, I've done so in par with what everyone else was doing at the time. Or in a hypothetical way that was more for fun than any real meaning behind it.

I was the kid who our senior year of high school was applying to colleges because it was the thing to do. I've always felt unless you know what your going to do, or going after than there really is no point in going because its not only a waste to your pocket in money its also a waste of time to go around in circles doing this class or that with no direction. And while yes not all those who wonder are lost, I think I am.

Part of me thinks I need to disconnect to let go of everything and see what needs to come back see what urge I have to keep doing or not doing. Let go of this set up I've come to know and start a new some how, in some way I'm not entirely sure of.

I want to say at age 25 I'll be doing this or that or going for that. I dont want to be doing the same old thing looking for something more or something to get me started in this life that is passing me by. I've always been afraid of missing out on life and I'm letting myself live in my fear every day it seems lately.

I'm proud of all the things I've done in the past, I'm glad that everything stands in the way it does because without I wouldnt be where I'm at and I dont know where else I could be and while it could be a lot worse, it could also be a lot better. I'm playing it safe, and in neutral. I'm not hiding anymore I'm not depressed in my own shit storm that I use to cause myself to exist in, but I'm not in the driver seat to my life. I'm riding passenger sometimes I make my way over slightly but never get more than half way there before I some how slide back into the comfort zone of just existing in this life.

I'm not sure what I want from this life of mine, but I'm pretty sure I can figure out quick what I dont want and hey that's something and one step makes a path as long as its followed by another no matter which way I go.


So to start this off here is something that I should have posted Sunday but didnt.

From august 21,2008 till august 21,2011 (and present, still going) I have been losing weight as past blog posts have shown in my talk about my past/issues/progress of it all.  This is a progress picture of year to year status to show how I've changed wearing the same outfit. I started at 312.4 and now (in this picture) at 256. Its about 56lbs and I still have a good 81lbs to go but I will get there.

This blog is gonna change slightly. I'll still write pieces of how I feel and cope and everything else I question daily but I want to make some happy posts, some like I figured out some stuff I wanna tell you and its exciting or I want a post where I just post pictures of things I want in life from a cozy reading chair I can sit indian style in. (see picture below)

Time to start living, and the only place I got is now.