No longer wanting to be stuck in wonderland.

Life in general is more what you put in it and what you do with it than what happens to you. It become choas if you let it go too far or don't do anything to change things that are going wrong like in my case.

While most things happen day to day that you have no control over, a good percentage of things happen that you can shape or react to in ways that can make your day or hurt and ruin it. That can lead to a downward cycle of the same thing over and over, till you un-sure of which way is up or down anymore.

I've noticed when this happens for me I start to over in indulge with food and than get annoyed that when my clothes are fresh from the laundry don't quite fit like they use to. I get even more frustrated when looking in the mirror and not liking what I see and just seems like I've become a lost cause and I have more ugly duckling days than not.

I guess in a sense when things get busy or tough I cave and do bare mininum to get by and than realize, that I can't do that if I want to be happy in this life of mine and get frustrated when I just seem to have no enegry to give a damn. When in a since I'm not giving a damn at all. That's what I use to do and it turned into this dark thing that I could care less about the world, I guess when I dont give a damn I get depressed.  So I go to my first choice to cope or fill the void, I eat, when I need to fill  it instead with working out or going out and doing something besides working and hanging out at home. Sure there needs to be those days off where you can just veg but its all about balance.

Though it becames this double edge sword because like I've said in past entries when I do it well and balanced this void or lacking that I need something or need to do comes up that I can't name and dont quite understand and my first instinct is to name it as hungry out of pass habit when its really not and than go searching the shelves or store isles for something to fill it up with. I've also done in the past when it got down to my low point with clothes and other misc things because what I didn't see was the food wasn't filling up that void. It wasn't what I needed or probably even wanted, still isn't.

I think I need to start fresh to start new start planning my weeks better and taking it day by day again. Getting in a better place with food and than get back to working out when I can around work hours. (YES STILL WORKING!!) Life is about choices as I said and to make my life mine and to feel right for me. I have to dig deep and figure it out, one step at a time. Than when those void feelings come about I can address them with a clear head and know that its much more than food or going to shop for something I frankly wont find in a dress or a new pair of shoes.

Maybe after all this time my void feelings are telling me what I'm missing is a life. To live to breath to exlpore to get out of the house and off the couch. I mean no matter how much I work out and how healthy I am I guess if you spend most of the time on the couch besides work and necessary errands wouldnt you still be a couch potato? lol.

That last little bit made me hopeful made me excited and happy. It makes me realize that while I already know life is more than possesions and food,  I can get pass this all and get back on track to making myself more free to be the person I am meant to be. I also think part of me is scared that perhaps I'll change in all of this or as I use to say when I was heavier I dont wanna lose weight because if I do I might get conceieted and have an ego and etc. That was a joke/excuse,  I dont think I could ever be that shallow. I care to much about what other people think of me (which is something I probably will never not do, as much as I try to break that little annoying habit) and just like every one else I'll have my fabolous days to my  ugly duckling days, just the same.

When it comes down to it all. I wanna lose the extra weight I'm carry around, I dont feel comfortable in it. Not to say I'm against anyone who is more heavy than not or more curvy than not or heck more skinny than not. I'm in the boat with whatever works for you, though just lean on the side of healthy if you can.

I do one day wanna be able to wear a bikni to the beach, will I ever? I dont necessarily know, it would great to feel that confident and happy with body for sure. I wanna be strong and feel great in the body I was meant to have all along. Trust me if I was meant to have this body I wouldnt have lost the 40-50lbs I have lost and wiggled back and forth on in the pass few years. (And still lose when I eat healthy and am semi-active)

I'm not necessarily sure I'll be happy with the body I gain in the end, but I know I'm not happy with the one I have now. I have my good days and my bad days with it, but I know it could be so much better. Plus I know it will be better for me in the end for my health and my future. No matter where that may be or where it may take me, I gotta be ready to be open to all its possiblities right?