Life is fucking hard, and I feel like saying that is a given these days anymore. So, me even trying to attempt to say that, even if I feel life is so much harder than it use to be and at times, I feel like I’m at my wits end with more of the simple things in life and the harder things it’s like why bother?
But to admit this almost feels like somehow a yeah so what,
get in line with everyone else. Yet at the same time I know its more than that.
I haven’t been trying to fill/ empty the hole/ache inside since I can remember
without reason. I still have no idea what to call it. Maybe its truly a mental
health issue that has been left undiagnosed for my majority of my life. It has
controlled so much of how I function at times, especially with emotions and
energy levels and just my ability to focus.
I have numbed it and medicated it for so long it seems like
just a natural part of me, nothing special and maybe its true but it also seems
like I have felt like I haven’t had the easiest time with things in life
despite what some may think, and I don’t think it’s a necessarily homelife
situation. Though I have had my fair share of childhood trauma that I’ve come
to have to work through and address as I work through others that have happened
including a shared yet be it different Pandemic (Covid) effect on my own self
psyche I’m sure, but I’m getting off topic here.
Let’s just say that I
don’t think I have really ever felt like I felt in control of my own life. I
will say its kind of hard when your left to figure it out at times with your
older brother from a young age as a babysitter due to parents just trying to
make it work and being limited on funds. Yet, though I have felt also like due
to this I have had to be “in control” of my life, inside and a lot outside and
around it from a young age.
So sometimes to say I feel like a lot of my life has been
lived in survival mode at this point, is an understatement.
It’s hard to feel like life is a constant spinning plates
act and yet you know they’ll fall and somehow so does everyone else, and
because you try to grin and bare it you get stuck with the backlash when they
end up make a noise or mess. Though, most of the time you don’t dare speak up
due to feeling like a burden if people knew the truth of feeling like you’re at
times just treading water to get by in life. You try to keep some possible
simple jealously at bay when you see those who perhaps don’t have to try quite
as hard. And yet you know somehow, the way they manage their life is probably
so different. And you’re not here to judge because that’s ok too.
Who knows what they’re going through, so most of the time
even with ALL the things your brain wants you to focus on the issues at hand it
also wants to help your emotions which just want you to react to everything all
at the same time. While a lot of the time you feel lately the life you feel you
want is just out of reach but you grin and bear as it’s the life you’ve chosen
due to choices you’ve felt you’ve had to make to not just appease your parents
or your friends but also society and as fucked up as it is, when some of those
folks are the closet to you, and all I want to do is help heal their pain since
you feel it as yours and you wanna help.….
I wrote that all 3 months ago, give or take. In the middle
of the highest part of my burn out from the last decade of life and trying to
probably barley make it work for the last only half of that decade, since let’s
be honest I don’t think I’ve ever really let myself feel my emotions without
something to numb them or change them in some way since well probably I could
eat solid food, and I was trying to unlearn that and losing weight and some of
myself the identity I had held for so long around it.
Though when you internally shut off the world when it
decides to shut down everything you know and understand, and lets you truly see
its ugly head again over the overly romanticized version you’ve found yourself
to have believed in (and still try to.)
to live more than just in survival mode, you return to those old habits and
then some, we’ll come back to this bit later or perhaps another post. Stay
tuned.
I felt the shift prior to shut down when things in my world
imploded for other reasons that I will no longer address on here as this matter
is my own personal one to work through after all the issues that have been
caused around it, and all facades of my life. I’ve learned some boundaries are
meant to be even if you’ve be made to feel guilty for even trying to have them
with some folks. Anyways…
Since that mental unloading above of a post, that was never uploaded,
I left a company I was with for just about a decade and tried a new place with
the same background. Though since the world has shift as I try to readjust
after being remote either under unemployment or with another remote work for a
the time being that most things were shut down I was just beginning to realize
how much the way shut down and other issues before it, with just how much I had
cultivated in a sense my own world within the world over the years as I
understood it (Pre-pandemic and during shut down).
To have everything go apocalypse quickly after that, and a
trip to New Orleans, made me bury my head under the sand to cope for a while.
And don’t forget as I type this my brain is still thinking
all the things above even if I know most of them are just thoughts and emotions
that will pass, I have some how felt them gut me more often and harsher than
they use to before the last two years, and maybe prior to that when my dog had
passed, before 2016.
Speaking of during
Covid shut down we adopted a new fire ball
of a wild child Jackador who will be 2 years old on Valentine’s Day, who
definitely has kept me on my toes and probably the only reason I decided to hit
the pause with my over all life more so due to my health and need to breathe,
but in turn I also saw and felt how it was effecting her and also my mom who I
live with and have to share space with and time.
I can get very in my head and tunnel vision about things,
even things that aren’t the best for health if I feel in some strange way, they
also are a benefit to me or if their one of the last few things you feel like
you can keep from prior to the shift this world has dealt and you wanna keep
something small to relate back to yourself, from before.
Even if the self in the post(s) now below this one really
only have patterns of me in them, the person I was than is broken (and probably
gone as she was) and will never come back. I know that now, and I’m trying to
find a balance of who she was, that I still am, and also a way to hold being
opening for who I’m becoming (and new people) even if it terrifies the shit out
of me to for once. Let go of the control I’ve felt I’ve always needed to have
in this world, and let the universe take me for a spin, like it always ends up
doing anyway.
Right now, it’s all about finding a purpose to this life,
that without I feel lost and wish for things that no longer serve me even if
they keep my inner demons and anxieties at bay. To wherever this made lead, as I’ve
written this since November from the rant during my burn out to now almost March
when due to financial situations, I’m having to deal with things a little more
without my own control and trying and failing and trying again at being ok with
that. When I’m most definitely am not.
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