Standing up for my life, myself... my future..



I'm floating in limbo these last couple months and I fought trying to go back to old habits when I couldnt figure out what I was craving for when I went into the store and went  looking for snacks or food and coming up empty for anything that matched what I truly wanted. I caved here and there when things sounded good, and I've fought back and forth on the last 5-10 lbs since reaching my 50lb mark over a year ago now.  I haven't tired to do much but just exist this year so far. I did the things I needed to get by and also the things I needed so that I wouldnt totally fail at this thing I have started.

I have come to realize that yes the saying "Old habits die hard" is true but in the end I dont think they ever die. I think its our mentality of changing what we do everyday, of how we react to each thing that happens to us in our lifes that dicdates how the things that do or dont happen shape us and our life around them.

I've spent so much of my life taking people's opinons and advice to heart like it was the "almightly" himself telling me that this was how life or I were suppose to be. In the end I have seen that doing so only made it that much harder to see and to feel my true self, and in a way I never really discovered or searched for that either. In some way I might be emotionally or even mentally younger than my true age because I never "truly" got to grow up in a way. I think maybe is why half the time I feel like I'm so far behind in life, but also I realize in that I am comparing myself to others again, who's lives are not mine and in turn I can not say I'm here nor there (late or ahead) in this life of mine.

When it comes to trying to find what I really want from this life, I start getting ahead of myself I start asking things like do I wanna stay in California forever or move back to Colorado one day( the only other place I'd live) and than I get ahead of myself thinking," Well how will that happen?" I need to remind myself that right now this moment: and the day, week, month and year that has been set ahead of me are the things that matter right now. Truly I (nor anyone else) is every given another moment than the one you are living now . You can't count all the time you've had before because it cannot not be changed and its done with and you cannot count your future or your tomorrow as we call it because it hasn't happened yet and nor do we know will it for any of us.

This moment, I know this
     I am not comfortable in the body I am in, I feel like it isnt a match to how I personally am and I want to change that. I want to be fit healthy and strong, I dont think I've ever said this but I've always seen myself as a tomboy in at least I like to be active and could hang with the boys any day but also be the girl who loves a strong guy who can pick me up and carry me off to bed if ya know what I mean haha.

     This craving I mentioned before is more for a life outside these walls of my apartment building. When I freak because I'm not quite sure what to do in the career aspect of my life I know that part of figuring that out is to get back into it and truly let myself get invovled in the work I do get, and the jobs I do and see where that takes me. In the end I know if its not something I want to do forever I will figure out that quickly I'm sure.

Thirty Things, I know.... for sure.

I try to think about what I want my life to be like when I turn twenty-five, but all I can think is that it’s only two years from now. My mind asks me to think about thirty than, but it all becomes this hypothetical thing of what ifs and could be’s and I don’t want to go back down that path, and get stuck there and forget about what is right in front of me. Though I also know I need some short of direction or path for my future to go anywhere what so ever. So I thought in the grand scheme of it all I guess I’ll just write down the things I know for sure.

·         I feel like I need to grow up and put away with childlike things, but the inner child never lets me bid her away for too long.

·         I’m much more of a girly girl than a tom boy but I have my days in both realms.

·         I’m a writer, and I wished to be published and make a living out of it. (Well known or not)

·         I watch far too many cop/murder/investigation and horror sitcoms and movies for my own good, but I feel like deep down it keeps me prepared and in the know if should happen in real life.

·         Afraid that I might wake up one morning and Stanley is gone (passed away) I always give him a belly rub and kiss and tell him I love him. (Extras if he doesn’t want to sleep in my room)

·         I get in my own way more than I admit to myself; I let outside sources become inner demons.

·         I like fruit and sorbets and smoothies and such more than I like chocolate or cakes, though a chocolate chip cookie (chewy or soft) is always hard to turn down.

·         I love weather, and get bored of it staying constant and I miss Colorado more for it slightly, besides that my family is there.

·         One of my greatest fears is I will become like the extremely heavy people on TV documentaries that are too big to get out of their chair or bed.

·         Sometimes I feel like I’m constantly fighting the battle of wanting to be pretty (even considered beautiful) but not perceived as dumb. (which I think is fueled by my mother somehow)

·         In regard to the last statement I’m trying to learn to grow out of my habits of not caring how I look, and embracing how I feel and want to look for me.

·         Another one of my fears, and would be regrets is to watch life pass me by. Which I know if I don’t start acting differently or changing things up I will be doing.(Perhaps have been doing for a while now)

·         While I think some of my art and/or writing is good, most of the time I believe its amateur at best.

·         I find it hard to fall asleep at night unless I’m utterly exhausted from the day’s events. And in the morning even harder to get up, regardless of how much sleep I’ve gotten or how fast I feel asleep the night before.

·         Half the time I see the tattoo on my wrist I think it would have been better had I just gotten the one bird on the inside of my wrist near my thumb. (Though it’s constantly out ruled by the reminder it does give me when I think about its meaning.) Plus I’d never get any of my tats removed.

·         I’m afraid that in the end even when I lose the rest of my extra weight, that it won’t be enough.

·         As much as I love going out to dinner and such at night and would at most consider myself a night owl, I think I truly am more of an early morning person, when it does work out right with sleep. I quite enjoy seeing the sunrise and the morning itself.

·         I truly want to be able to go full Monty (totally out) and design and décor my bedroom/ future home one day.

·         As much as it scares me I do one day want to learn how to swim, more so that I can protect/teach my kids when I have them.

·         I want to have kids and be married by the time I’m 35. (Which might be hard to imagine at this point-see very last quote-)

·         I would never get surgery of any kind unless it was needed; I just don’t think it’s wise to mess with what Mother Nature has given you.

·         I would have to live with the guy I want to marry before I married him, since I truly do believe in the saying, “that you don’t truly know a person till you live with them”.

·         I love books and should read them more often, but when it comes to buying them it’s hard because I like to read a book than pass it along for someone else to read than it sit on a shelf to gather dust, just in case I may want to read it again one day.

·         Silly but true I watch as many England Patriot (Seasonal) games as I can just to root for the other team, because I think Tom Brady gets more credit than he deserves.

·         If/when I go back to college I want to study languages (Spanish, French, German, Greek and maybe Arabic) and better my writing and take art/design classes and some music ones(learn piano/guitar) and learn about all the religions and cultures in the world, though in the end I don’t know what degree I’d go after if anything.

·         I wouldn’t mind wearing my glasses more if the frames were wider and they changed in the sun so I wasn’t blinded when I went outside.

·         I am not only a perfectionist to a fault (where I talk myself out of things, or rush them if I know it can’t be perfect) I also have an addictive personality.

·         Alcohols taste gross to me, and in general I’d rather have a Rockstar’s energy drink or some Berry or Apple Sparkling Cider.

·         I’m really interested in how the human body works and while the site of organs is disgusting, my curiosity usual out wins my disgust. Though I can’t stand the sound of breaking bone (when they show the plastic surgeon breaking the nose on the lady getting a nose job with a hammer I cringe. It’s like nails on a chalk board to me.)

·         I am 23 years old and I have never, slow danced, dated, kissed, or had sex with a guy (or anyone) and I’m ok with that, most of the time.

Thank you For reading.

The First Step Is Always The Hardest

I've been wanting to write a new post for awhile now but just never could get my facts straight about what I wanted to say or what point I wanted to come across. I've also just been trying to get to that point when enough is enough, when I'll start doing things to get somewhere in life. Or at least further, since I can't say I like the place I'm at very much right now. It has its perks yes, but its nothing but limbo in this life, its neither here nor there and in the end its not going anywhere.

I think part of me is reaching for that direction and part of me is even just too scared to start to create a path afraid it will be wrong, afraid it wont work out. Afraid that I really dont know what I want, and I never really have. I've never really truly thought about it like fully, I've done so in par with what everyone else was doing at the time. Or in a hypothetical way that was more for fun than any real meaning behind it.

I was the kid who our senior year of high school was applying to colleges because it was the thing to do. I've always felt unless you know what your going to do, or going after than there really is no point in going because its not only a waste to your pocket in money its also a waste of time to go around in circles doing this class or that with no direction. And while yes not all those who wonder are lost, I think I am.

Part of me thinks I need to disconnect to let go of everything and see what needs to come back see what urge I have to keep doing or not doing. Let go of this set up I've come to know and start a new some how, in some way I'm not entirely sure of.

I want to say at age 25 I'll be doing this or that or going for that. I dont want to be doing the same old thing looking for something more or something to get me started in this life that is passing me by. I've always been afraid of missing out on life and I'm letting myself live in my fear every day it seems lately.

I'm proud of all the things I've done in the past, I'm glad that everything stands in the way it does because without I wouldnt be where I'm at and I dont know where else I could be and while it could be a lot worse, it could also be a lot better. I'm playing it safe, and in neutral. I'm not hiding anymore I'm not depressed in my own shit storm that I use to cause myself to exist in, but I'm not in the driver seat to my life. I'm riding passenger sometimes I make my way over slightly but never get more than half way there before I some how slide back into the comfort zone of just existing in this life.

I'm not sure what I want from this life of mine, but I'm pretty sure I can figure out quick what I dont want and hey that's something and one step makes a path as long as its followed by another no matter which way I go.


So to start this off here is something that I should have posted Sunday but didnt.

From august 21,2008 till august 21,2011 (and present, still going) I have been losing weight as past blog posts have shown in my talk about my past/issues/progress of it all.  This is a progress picture of year to year status to show how I've changed wearing the same outfit. I started at 312.4 and now (in this picture) at 256. Its about 56lbs and I still have a good 81lbs to go but I will get there.

This blog is gonna change slightly. I'll still write pieces of how I feel and cope and everything else I question daily but I want to make some happy posts, some like I figured out some stuff I wanna tell you and its exciting or I want a post where I just post pictures of things I want in life from a cozy reading chair I can sit indian style in. (see picture below)

Time to start living, and the only place I got is now.

This Little Life of Mine... I'm gonna make it shine.



I don’t really recall being fit or skinny past the age of maybe 6 or 7 years old. Though not to say that is a bad thing we all go through our baby fat as we call it, growing up. Though for me I think it just became extra weight as I kept getting older. I remember even going on a diet more than once in fifth grade but never really being that serious about it.  I ate my feelings: bad, good, or bored any of them and still do. I’ve in turn always had issues with my weight. I was teased and picked on for it, clothes didn’t fit the way I wanted to or sizes just didn’t come big enough.  

I use to have ideas of working out all summer and coming back to school with an amazing kick ass body and being all “Puffed chest” and proud and “Look at me now!” Though I might have only done one or two work outs and continued to live in the dream rather than create it.

I’ve heard from people you’ll have fabulous legs once you lose the extra weight. I’ve also tricked myself in to believing half the time if not just for a long time that I wasn’t getting bigger, the washer and dryer were shrinking my clothes. Never mind if once I went to get new ones I’d blame the store for changing designers or making them differently. While in some cases partly true but I could have also kept an eye on my body more than I did. Measurements and scales help when it comes to denial, and well so do photographs or video tapes.

Also in my life as I denied what I saw things like getting winded walking up and down a set or two of stairs to a morning math class my second semester of college. Or the factor that the auditorium chairs/desk didn’t work properly with me either, I took it to the fact that hey this place just wasn’t meant for bigger girls and that’s rude.  But there was no denying what had been happening to my waist line and size when I took a trip back home to see family and I had to suck in my stomach with all my might and pull that seat belt on the plane all the way out and pull and hope it clicked because “hell no!” was I going to ask for a seat belt extender. It hit me than as it did on my way home and when I noticed how my brother ate constantly while visiting those two weeks I was there. How I noticed the tread mill in the corner and thought about using it just to do something, but I hadn’t brought any sneakers.

I’ve always been the person who is in the constant need to being doing something. Since I can remember not even a month into summer vacation as a child I would start to get antsy and want to go back to school or just to “something”. Though I was also the kid who on her first day too sick to go to school cried because I couldn’t go to school, and another time when the snowy roads where just too bad to make it from my dad’s house.  My mom even told me recently that she got frustrated when I was an infant because I’d only be happy doing something for two hours at a time and then wanted something more or something new.

When I started to lose this extra weight almost three years ago (come next Friday) I was in it for all the possibilities of how I saw myself and never was. How I would get complements from others and also in how doing this with my friend we’d be there for each other and would rock it out and be bonded for life in that token as well.

The first year started of good for a month or so but losing a job and having a hard time finding one as the economy started to tank I also felt my own will to do this fade because it wasn’t what I thought it would be.  I tried my hardest and didn’t do as well as I thought I was able to do because I wasn’t as strong as I use to be. I only lasted till just before New Year’s that first part of it all, I only got back into it really again in May or June a couple months later and was neither here or there. I was still on the healing path from some injuries and learned first-hand that while you can take pills for pulled muscles you only use what they say is recommended because they cause other issues.

Slow results from those issues got me dissuaded as my friend was soaring high and reaching her fifty lb. weight lost point while I was still going back and forth on my first 20-35 lbs. Though I didn’t give up as the months went buy I hit our year point of losing weight at only 28.4 lbs. down. But I was also no longer dealing with muscle issues and started taking a hip hop hustle class at my local gym on Friday nights that soon turned into a Zumba class the following year.

I love that class so much and as I got closer to the teacher she kepts me inspired but also kepts me feeling guilty when I had my slip ups. Like trying to fess up to Jillian Michael's that hey I decided to eat all this junk after you worked me out the other night. Or something like that, any event by the second year mark of all this I was down another 24 lbs. and while I knew it was amazing that I had not only kept that other 28 or so lbs. off my body I had lost more I just couldn’t get over that I was nowhere near where I wanted myself to be.  By then my friend had somewhat disappeared with posting in our journals we talked to each other in and I felt semi alone in all this even though my mom had started to work and eat better with me as well (Even if she continues to smoke to this day!).

When I finally hit my own fifty pound marker I pinged my friend to celebrate and she responded with, "Please don’t talk to me about that stuff anymore I feel so bad for letting myself go and gaining it all back and I just don’t want to deal with it right now." I felt deflated, I felt like the one person I wanted to celebrate with said they didn’t give a fuck and that their issue was more than me that I didn’t matter.

I think part of me used the fire I felt from seeing her reach her fifty pound mark to reach my own. But also a little fear inside of me say if she can reach it and fail and gain it all back so can I. I didn’t want that to happen so I powered through, but I’m still stuck within the same twelve pounds or so range since then a little over a year later.  I’ve never gone and been stuck back up above that marker because I won’t let myself but I think part me thinks it’s hard enough to lose that much and gain it all back, how much of a blow will it be if I get even further and gain it all back.

I’m not even sure that’s what scares me,  I believe what scares me most is that once I get to where I think my goal weight is that it won’t be enough. That this whole thing I’m thinking will benefit me mentally and physically (and of course health wise) won’t match up with the standards I’ve set up or even semi have built around me.

I use to think I’d write a book about it and try to get it published. I use to think nah there are too many books out there too much control and issues with trying to be the next big thing in this world about weight loss and blah, blah, blah. Plus also where do get off saying I get to raise my hand to say hey I have a something worth wild to say in this conversation just because I lost weight too.

Also, lately it seems like somehow I’ve been sucked into this whole weight loss and fitness circle of becoming a trainer or class teacher one day and joining the pack of people who teach Zumba and what have you. While that would be awesome to help people in the way my teacher and such of help me, I also don’t know if I want that to be my life. I wouldn’t mind helping and answering questions when asked but this was never really about being some big weight loss/ fitness or life coach.

I got sucked into the big thing and forgot the little thing, or well the little person. Me; I got over whelmed and in turn took to my last known comfort and semi lost control but only stayed OK in it all because I didn’t give up on my workouts and in the back of my mind I know that’s something that will never go away.

My workouts have become the best stress and antsy/ anxiety buster than I can ever think of. Plus I don’t seem to be able to get as frustrated or down about life once I’ve worked out.

I guess it’s true what they say in Legally Blonde. “Work out gives you endorphins and endorphins make you happy, and happy people don’t kill their husbands.”

I don’t know how my life will shape up and I don’t know who or what I will be in the future but I know that to make the most of it I got to be in the best health and well that’s why I’m doing this weight loss thing for, nothing more and nothing less.

What If I Had Done Things Differently?

Life in general has many different forks in the road, each day we make a decision on the the so called "prong" we choose to go out on that leads us along in life. The good, the bad, the even ugly parts of life come along through all this. In this though, in moment you see yourself and your still you, no matter what happens. Perhaps a little altered or jaded by the situation or experience, but still you in a nut shell that never changes.

So maybe in that we are meant to be where were at in life, even if its not all rainbows and butterflies. Most times in life the only way to get what you want is to go after it like a bull going after that red cape in the ring. Yes we will fall, and yes we will have set backs but the only way failure becomes the answer is when you stop trying or stop looking for answers to help when the ones you've tired don't work.

                            

In reference to last post, my letting myself indulge to kill the want didn't work out so well. As I imagined the wants for other things came and so did my lack of portion control. I've made myself in the process sick over the stuff I've eaten. In that same instance though I learnt, my tolerance for these things no longer is the same. I taste things different I feel the reaction to their makeup (chemicals) in my body differently. So, I did learn something and it did help and it did set me back, but I have not fail because of it.  I've learnt soda isn't all its cracked up to be, and neither or my urges or taste for rockstars energy drinks anymore.

Cake is too sweet, and milk chocolate is almost off putting in taste compared to dark chocolate anymore. I start to crave vegetables and fruits when I eat too much junk, I really feel and realize its not my mood that I'm miserable after I eat that junk/crap its my body saying: "WHAT THE CRAP DID YOU GIVE ME!" 

I'm also in the process of probably giving up coffee for tea (expect for those Holiday drinks at Starbucks, can you say: pumpkin spice, gingerbread and peppermint mocha latte HELLO!) and I don't know how this will go, but I've always loved coffee with a cookie(or two) after dinner than in the morning, because I've never felt any real effect of it. Though maybe like soda once its out of my system for awhile with all the other sugary stuff I'll feel the difference upon drinking it again one day. But for now I'll probably have it once or twice more till my current creamer is gone, but than off to tea land it is. With our new bought kettle that whistles and everything.

I'm learning a lot of stuff through my weight loss and in my life and stuff in general lately. I feel like I'm on the edge of something amazing, but I don't want to push it out there too fast or even try to guess at what is. I want to work at what I know needs to be done to help me along in life and just go from there right now. I'm not sure at all how it will all turn out or where I'll be in a month or so from now, but hey life is full of surprises. And man do I want a good one.

Gotta Be More to Life...



Looking in the cabinets for something’s that’s not really there? That seems to be my thing lately, and not just in the shelves at home. But also in grocery store as well. It seems more than not lately I have it in mind that I want something and I go searching for it food wise but lately can’t seem to find anything that fits the bill. That craving that I think is food turns out to be something that can’t be filled with, because I can’t seem to find an answer to name the craving. Even when I do eat something that sounds good, the craving doesn’t go away.

Also, in that event my issues with food don’t go away when I indulge in something that in the end result I didn’t even need. Through this I’m starting realize that not only do I need to learn better eating but also how to differentiate between my true want/need for  food and my want for something in my life.

The food part can be the easiest of that problem because it’s real easy not to get into it, or buy it. Though the hard part is knowing what I truly want instead of it, or what it is that is picking at me with this need to be answer that I have no clue how to even address let alone try to figure out what to do about it.

Plus letting go and over indulging is real easy and most times for the moment or so can take your mind off the issue. Not that it won’t come back, and not that you won’t see issues or consequences I guess for the indulge you let yourself have depending on what it is, and how much. I’m looking for meaning in something, maybe in life to fill a hole, that well I have no clue what to call it let alone what to fill it with, and now I’m talking in circles.

Also when it comes down this, old things I use to eat and drink all the time which I know aren’t good for me start to sound good, and in my head I rationalize that hey if I go have it the need will be met. Though I’m seeing lately that once that need is met my mind finds something else to name for it, and I guess maybe I should let myself follow that path in some small way to get somewhere maybe even find something within it all. Though part of me thinks that’s stupid and it would be a waste and also that it would somehow back fire on all my progress.

Though I also realize that if I keep that thought in mind when I let myself have these said things, that maybe I’ll reach a point when I run out of things and somehow dive into deeper issues and finally figure out what I need to do or want to do to fill this ache inside myself lately.  Good thing is with this in mind I know I can decide on set things and how much of each to determine it all, and how and when. Not quite so set on the idea of it all just yet though.

I’m scared I admit to do the one thing that seems to be a big part of why I gained all the weigh in the first place. Using  food in replace of finding  or even facing, the deeper issue at hand, but I guess if I used in a controlled way and not no holds bar way that I did in the past maybe it would be helpful?

I just don’t know if I’m at that point to justify that even if maybe it would help. Part of me is antsy, and wants more out of life than I get day to day.  This isn’t one of those hiding moments of the past, it’s the need/ urge for more in my life that I’m not sure I understand quite yet how to go about.

Weight loss Progress

I posted a similar set back in January and I decided to post the ones I took on sunday for the six month progress, though from January till now I've only lost about a pound since my calories havent been the best.

The top is from june 2009 when I was at 296 and the bottom is this pass sunday june 2011 when I was at 255.2.  At my heaviest I was 312.4 but have lost those pictures from when I started taking progress pictures and have a before to compare it to.

Hope you all have a great day... and a happy fourth of july on monday. Gotta love me those fireworks!!

thanks for reading.