It is What it Is.....

I have so much going on in this noggin that what I wanna say (esp. for waiting so long to write) will come out in a jumbled mess, so bare with my scatterbrained ness for this post please... because it is what it is...

In the past three weeks I've worked 35-40 hours each week and while that may seem normal, my normal is 40 for every two. I'm not quite sure how people do it, but it happens. Though I don't think I could do it all the time and then also have a "real" life outside of work. I guess in a way I'm seeing lately how much time I have been wasting really. How I was always putting things (life) off till another day and then complaining about being tired and being behind in doing things. Like you don't wanna see the state of my bedroom/bathroom right now which I usually keep in pretty good condition lol.

I've also been having more days of I need to find something different for work wise when it gets crazy but it seems when I can remove myself from the situation or I'm at home for the evening or on the rare day off I've been getting during our busy time I go back to loving my job a little more and remembering that every place you go will have points of it that you may not like and wish could change but really, I love most of what I do day-to-day. Yes there are moments that true, but isn't that with everyone/thing?

(side note: I never mentioned but I did not get the promotion I had mention in my last post they said they'd love for me to apply again next time.. still on the fence if that will happen.)

The craziness of life aside I have really started to seeing myself physically and get turned off by it in a sense and realize when I have inside comments to myself when I see  people of a bigger size I'm not judging them, I'm judging the size because I can relate to it because for me the size I am my weight I'm at is not a thing I'm comfortable with at all, and I could see myself become bigger if I don't change something and I wanna change. I hate to compare myself to anyone because that leads down a dangerous road but I'd love to be active and fit like Jessica Biel always have in a way. More in her earlier years like right after 7th Heaven, like Texas Chainsaw Massacre or Blade Trinity days. 

I miss the energy I had the ability to be on my feet no matter the shoes and while they would ache I wouldn't feel like a old women walking around my home afterwards just to go use the restroom after laying on the couch to rest. Also I need to get over using the elevator at work every time to go up stairs just because I hate being winded like I am so easily going up them, that will only change with going up them and losing weight. I miss being able to do stairs without issue.

Once this crazy work time is over and my mind can adjust (last week April/first of may) I'm gonna get back to the gym and use my time more wisely and eat better. Grand thing about working the long hours by the time I get off lately its time to come home and have dinner and so I have no excuse to go out and get something on the way home so I have been saving money. Since when I get off in the afternoon hours I have a tendency to pick up lunch instead of just making it and eating it on the way to the gym or something.

In my thoughts about the future things have changed a bit mostly about kids and all that jazz but nothing to write about at this moment since I've never even been on a date let alone been some one's girlfriend.

I have to keep reminding myself in all this chaos that is life right now that days go by and things get better and that the only way I have a bad day is if I let things I cant control that go wrong ruin it. Things that can be dealt with and let go should be so I can enjoy the day not stressing till I'm red in the face with frustration and teary eyed with being upset over a situation that really doesn't need that much of my energy anyways.

Life is what you make it... and I'm gonna start making it grand.

Life Update

I've had so many blog ideas roaming in my head as of late that I just never got around to posting anything... but I figure I'd do a little life update since at the moment I cant quite get all my thoughts together for a grand post of one of those roaming ideas I mentioned.

So it's almost the end of February and life has been a little crazy and a little eh these last month(s) since I posted.. I think I posted like 2nd day of January so I'll included it too.

Last I wrote I was getting better, at going to the gym and I had a tiny meltdown of sorts in the food related category but soon after that things went a little haywire. You see some how I sat wrong on my hip and either flared up an old injury or just pinched a nerve but for the rest of that night it hurt to get up or sit down or bend over in anyway and work wasn't all that grand either but gratefully my shifts were all where I got to sit down till that healed up.

Once I was starting to think I could start getting back to the gym again a week or so later one Sunday morning I woke up at 2am with an upset stomach and tossed and turned for an hour before everything that was still in my stomach wanted out. And it just would not quit being queasy so I had to finally make my first call out of work, sick call ever in the little over two years I had been there. I called at 9am for a 1pm shift because I knew there was no way I could do the shift if I couldn't keep anything down and I had a slight fever as well. It took a couple days for me to eat normally after that because my stomach would just get so queasy with the tiniest amount of food in it.

About maybe a week and half later I ended up catching a head cold that by two weeks after my stomach issue I just could not talking without my throat killing me, so instead of going into work and doing a horrible job and perhaps infecting the field trip group I had that day, I had to call out again and went to the doctor to make sure that I didn't have strep throat. I ended up getting some antibiotics that because they had sulfur in them I had the gnarly acid reflex/ acid burps if I didn't take them in the middle of food... hurt so bad.  Though I've been done with them for about a week now I still have a slight cough/phlegm issue from the cold but feeling much more better and like myself then I have in a while for most of the last two months.

I need to start getting back in the gym and eating better (wont say how many times I've had fast food this week already- just leave it at too many) and losing weight. On the plus side with being sick I did lose 11 lbs. but I gained 2-3lbs back over my bad eating the last couple days. I also need to do a little cleaning/ reorganization doing in my apartment since it's lacked besides the real important stuff while I've not been at my best.

Last but not least I feel more secure in my job again because I get the feeling that while I still have a good three weeks at this rate till all my past written ups (the last one anyways) go away I did apply and get an interview for a different (higher up) position at work and if they felt I still needed to work on things and or that I wasn't clear enough on my record I wouldn't even have gotten the interview. Which says A LOT. ( I should know by the first of the month of the outcome of said interview.)

 I'm taking each day moment by moment there, its hard some days when you may not want to say do what your scheduled to do or the day isn't going how you want it. But as long as you don't let it effect you in a negative way it turns out pretty good.

Focus on the positives in life to get you through.

Well that's all I got for now, but I promise a more grand idea floating around my head type of post next time.

Thanks again for reading.

Twenty-Fourteen

Happy 2014 to everyone who reads this, its been officially two days (almost into the 3rd) of this year and I'm kinda on the fence about this year already. The first was alright, I got to sleep in being off from work and I made it to the gym and got a work out in. Nothing to fancy but it was a step in the right direction being that one of my resolutions or goals so to speak for this year is to lost 80lbs.

Well today was kinda  nose dive of a day, it started off alright minus having to get up and be at work at 8:45 this morning, I'll never be happy waking up before 8:30-9am at the earliest.  Though my work day was good minus being sore from the gym (a  good sore) my body towards the end of the day decided to crap out on me. My stomach was upset and my dysfunctional menstrual cycle decide to show up for oh maybe two hours before going back to its guessing game of am I here or not here with being Aunt Flow time of the month. (This is nothing new with being as heavy as I am my cycle is so messed up and I know I'm not doing it any favors by staying at this weight) But in the process I had serious cramping at work and then I just felt nauseous the rest of the time and it just got worse on my way home and while I walked Stanley, to the point that while I waited on the hold *40mins* for costumer service from the covered ca to answer a question (I forgot my username/password) I was sleepy and had a headache and wasn't sure if I was gonna need to puke or what.

So long story short I took some Excedrin when my headache, just would not go away after I ate something after finally getting done with the phone call. Then we did a grocery run and got a good amount of healthy items and while I did snag my Conversation hearts (two little boxes) since they were already out (EARLY!) and I only get them once a year, always limiting myself to just two small boxes. I also told myself it wasn't a big deal to get a box of little Debbie Nutty Buddy bars instead of just the two pack since the grocery store we went to doesn't have it in a two pack. (Not that I really needed them they just sounded good)

I also had a Starbucks Pumpkin Latte (Venti- aka biggest one w/ Whip Cream)... lets just say my calorie limits that I had set up were busted by a long shot today and the little activity I did do didn't really burn much to help that. So I feel like while I'm 1-for-1 at this point I also feel like the biggest failure today and I just want to eat the rest of the box of nutty buddies so they are out of the house.

Instead I ate both boxes of conversation hearts, I had already had two packs of 2 nutty buddies after dinner with my Starbucks and as much as I still did want to kill all the rest of them (8 bars) I got water instead and came here to vent and make a post.  I serious should just go to bed, I don't know why I let food have this power on me that it shouldn't, it should be fuel and energy not some authority about myself worth.

Its now past midnight, and I need to wash my hands of this day and move on to the next. One day out of a week or a month wont do much in the long run and I just need to dust myself off from today and try again ( harder with better choices) tomorrow.

I plan to write out my weight loss plan and what I'm doing in my next post.

Till then here's about living in the moment...

Hope your new year has started of without a hitch.

Need to get out of my own head.....(this is only half the battle)

Stuck or limbo like existence perhaps is where I am at, I'm even at a lost to how to even start this post and I think with everything I wrote last post or two I was just focused on getting through on getting by after I realized that this year was almost up and what did I have to show for it. Yes I still have my job, but barley (two months down only 4 more to go till I'm off finale warning) and while its better like always there are good days and bad days.

With thanksgiving getting closer I was getting excited for the holiday season because I love this time of year, but once I started to take the decorations out for Christmas and we had turkey day dinner and I put all the Christmas décor out that day with my schedule being crazy at work (not getting off till sunset/or dark outside) and I wanted a good month of lights- besides snow (which I don't get) they are a favorite part of the holiday season. The excitement wore off, and ever sense I'm back in this glum of a static existence of sorts.

I've been thinking about my weight a lot these days, mostly because its become a hindrance more each day I've noticed. I feel more sluggish and the stairs seem to be harder to climb and not the mention that when it comes to field trips or just in general trying to talk to someone after I climb the stairs forget about it.  I feel the physical issues every day and try to ignore them most of the time I get by with that, but every time I look in the mirror or go through photos of a party with friends I was at I get that reminder of what I've let myself become. I don't like it I'm not comfortable this way physically and emotionally.

I feel like you know you've had enough of something when you just stare at the ceiling at night and wonder when will be the time when you just say screw it and change it instead of thinking instead of planning you just do it. Though I also have days were I do that and because I'm so tired and so exhausted from carrying this weight around (both physically and emotionally) that the act of going to work out of doing something of that nature just sounds so daunting and like the last thing I'd want to do, even though I know it will make me feel so much better. I "KNOW" this from past experience  but I still sit waiting for the last hair on the camel's back so to speak, to give me that determination again that motivation to change.

Lately I've even just felt like simply laying one way is an issue because putting to much of my weight on say a leg or on a joint the leg or arm or foot goes numb much quicker then your foot falling asleep after it being in the same position for too long. Some nights I do constantly shift while on the couch watching TV because a body part gets numb or feelings tingling and I know this isn't a good thing, I don't dare look up what it could possible mean with that. I just know it needs to change.

Honestly I think all the colds I got this year (as I've said before) were more due to the extra weight weakening my immune system and me not eating right and taking care of myself  and then you add the germs from the kids or just in the air because of the weather changes or what have you and you get sick.

I've gone back and forth on just eating a gluten free diet or at least playing with the idea of trying to change my diet to take out the gluten foods for a couple weeks to month and see if that changes anything but also just in general change my eating habits and eat better whole foods.

I'm tired of just getting by in life of wishing and waiting for something to happen, and while I want this I'm also scared at what it might mean in the end when I do get down to my goal weight but I cant let fear change my want or my need to get healthy and to in the best defense against germs and other things that I know I'm already at risk for with family history.

Emotionally I'm for sure damn ready. Physically, I'm ready (soreness be damn!)... now if I can just get out of my own darn head and become mentally ready as well. Here's hoping!

Courage: Sometimes its about being Scared and Doing it anyways.

I have to state that I'm honestly shocked at how fast this year has gone by. It's already October and it doesn't feel like enough stuff has happened for a full almost year to have gone by already. Is this what happens as you get older the time just goes faster and faster till it just stops?

Any event, lets get some things out of the way with what has been going on my life. Last I wrote I was on probation at work due to some things and well earlier last month because I did "nothing" (literally) a guest complained and after talks with the people upstairs (them amongst themselves not me)  instead of suspending me, they put me on final warning. I didn't lose my new position that they did threaten to say I could lose if anything else happened while on probation but they didn't do that. But any thing that happens in the next 3-6 months (I say the latter to be in the clear and able to apply for a higher up position) I could be terminated; aka fired.

I went through a moment or two (still have them) where I think about finding something else, looking for another job. Though at this moment I've also thought of sticking it through and see where I can get come April (Crossing fingers and prayers that nothing else happens) with any other positions etc. Also right now with holidays right around the corner I don't think I'll be finding any really solid jobs so to speak.

I at sometimes feel that working in a place that is science oriented and doing field trips for kids in school with demonstrations that focus in certain parts of that field if faced with say someone who studied the subject or teaches it for a living with degree I almost feel fraud like when doing my job. Like I'm just waiting for them to call me out on being wrong, I don't know maybe its just silly insecurity but it does happen time and time again with certain groups or guests that come in.  (My over thinking brain judging some one's look at me as something that probably isn't even there.. ) And at the end of the day as much as I love science and watching things with science in them (sci-fi) or what have you, I rather not deal with it every day if I don't have to.

Plus to be honest with all that's gone on lately with me being on final warning and etc. as much as I know I love my job and its one of my favorites so far I don't think its something / or somewhere I wanna be forever. Though were to go from there I have no idea.
Though I also try not to get too ahead of myself or frustrated at things I can't control or change these days when it comes to anything work related, I only get in over my head that way it seems.

 

-- --- ---

 

 

Most days in life I'm still learning how to cope with just being myself, whomever that is I'm not still entirely sure. I feel at times I've lost myself or I choose to ignore parts of myself that I know are trying to tell me to get up and do things to make my life better. I feel my days and weeks blurring together so much that half the time the only way I know what day it is, is by my work schedule.

 

I've lost my train of thought, I started to write a paragraph and then delete it and then write something new and then read the post in a preview as an over view and back track and delete a lot of what I just wrote. I feel like as honest and open as I come off in here, I'm stuck with what to say right now because I've said it all before. This is probably my hardest post because my life right now is really nothing. I have nothing that makes me look forward to the day anymore, nothing that makes me jump up and go YES! I'm not OK with that I'm not.

 

Spending my life as much as I can remember trying to if not be perfect at least be something to someone, anyone to look up to, to say hey this girl is great. It sometimes just makes me wanna stick out my tongue at anyone I've tried to impress and give them a big THPPPPH! Or well depending on the person perhaps a finger of choice?

 

I feel lost not just in life, but in purpose; in identity. I've been thinking of getting this tattoo on my ankle with my tax refund come the beginning of the year I had yet to print out something to help myself fully design it and I just kept putting it off. I had another tattoo that I'd thought when I get to goal weight (more because I wanted it on the side of my ribs and didn't want distort the image, with weigh lost/gain) I'd get that eventually too. Plus one I'd been thinking of getting forever since my last one.. (still want that one)

 

The more I thought and put off printing said piece to help me design this newest idea the more I thought do I really want more of them? I'm not against them in any means I mean I have four of them already. But in hindsight, esp. with my wrist one that I did get "whim-ish" though I don't regret at all, was a I sure I wanted all these (new ones). Was I sure I even wanted any more period? What I realized was I'm not sure of anything at all. I'm a blank canvas of sorts, just perhaps too skittish to put down the pen or brush to create my masterpiece so to speak.

 

I've said this line a lot in a lot of my posts (quoting it from another post even):

 

"One of my biggest fears is watching life pass me by or missing out on something because I was too busy to catch it when it came by."

 

I'm so scared of something going wrong, I do nothing in fear of perhaps it even all going right. (Because what if it doesn't or what if it does!) I've placed this in my head so much that I've never let myself explore, dream, think more of anything I could do in life (minus day to day things of course) as nothing bigger then an idea of, "HEY THAT WOULD BE AN AWESOME IDEA!" I've let myself become what I fear most, I've let a good chunk of my life pass me by, sure I'm still young and sure I still have plenty of time but what scares me most and made me become so in a blur lately I think is due to my friends death back in April, maybe not consciously since the thoughts and the patterns were already there, but it didn't help (well in did in a bad way).

 

I realize most days how fragile/short life can be, and in a way I let that get the best of me. I let it stop me from doing things. Like buying clothes till I got lighter (ended up having to buy some because I needed clothes when I realized how little I have that fit anymore) in weight.

 

I've known some thing's about myself for a very long time but just not ready to admit them out loud but better yet I wasn't ready to do something about fixing them. I'm still not sure I am either.

 

Success and Failure both scare me; I'm just a perfectionist that what if my success isn't what I want it to be or even "in" what I want it to be.  Or what if I just plain fail?

 

Case in point above: I over think too much "A LOT" of the time, I over analyze everything to death and "What if" more then anyone I know, you could say I have my heads in the clouds but to be honest I think that would be a vacation for my brain.

 

I like playing all scenarios out in my head before they happen or scenarios that could happen but never do. Or play past things in my head over and over, things I should have said things I shouldn't. Or even done or not done.

 

I put things off till last minute, its the procrastinator in me and also the thing in me that goes hey I still have that to do, because God forbid I get to a point that I have nothing to do or  don't have the ability to do something... .

 

In the end I let myself blend in and just pretty much try to fit in as much as possible instead of sticking out like a sore thumb, I guess I only want attention on me if its for good/ right reasons what ever that really means. I mean no one wants the spot light on them when things are going wrong.

 

With all this I am also a food addict.. is that what you call it? Like an alcoholic but with food instead: foodoholic? I don't know what to call it but I know I do it, my bank account knows I do it. When I'm bored, when I find something new when I'm stressed out, tired, "PMSing" put an adjective or emotion in there and I probably pair eating with it.

 

Since I've really never explored much of anything but to impress other people my outlet for anything else going on at the time or when I was no longer doing said thing to impress was to eat in many ways, not to say that's all I do all day long no. I sometimes binge though, even now I sometimes forget that I even do it now. I'll buy a biggie everything at the drive thru and pig out. (Like three Jack in the Box tacos a large milk shake, and then a large root beer and chili fries from Carl's Jr.) Or even say a grocery store and load up on a single serving pizza or a pint of  Ben and Jerry's or square/slice of cake.. I eat sometimes till I feel sick to my stomach and still keep eating. Sometimes I tell myself I do this so I feel something.  To the point last year I spent just over 1,000 on all the junk alone, and right now its already a little over 1,000.. and this year isn't even quiet done yet.

 

I've mentioned this "Something" before when I was being better during weight lost time before gaining it all back. I was more aware of it then and didn't just binge like I use to prior to being in the middle of my weight loss or now  with gaining the weight plus a good 25-30lbs on top of it back.

 

I've never really figured out what this something is.. I wish I could. Maybe its my want for more then just living day to day life just to get by the things I have to do to make a living (work, and etc.) and then just exist afterwards on the couch watching TV or surfing the web. To actually live a life where I don't depend on people's opinions on who I am as a person at the end of the day or to feel that "sick fullness" of over eating to get me by for the day.

 

To finally truly explore and find who I truly am, to finally only worry about impressing; me.

 

 

Peter Pan Syndrome???

Lately I feel like I've taken a pause in life and really just looked around me or either that or I just feel like I'm looking at everything with this giant magnifying glass inspecting it all and questioning everything.

I feel like in a way I'm trapped in this never ending stage of what if's of what do I want for my future where do I wanna go from here. No more maybe's no more possibilities... time to really just start something and finish it and grow a little in the process perhaps. I'm starting to think about what I really want in life and what I really don't. And if all those things are really set in stone or if their just something I feel right now at this moment in my life that might change later down the road.

As of lately my mind has gone back to having kids or not having kids and while for most of my life I was always semi aware that I wanted one or two (or 5-10 as I said when I was about 20 years younger then I am now) but at this time in my life I wasn't ready.  Now as of late, I'm not really into the idea of having them and at moments I think its just because I know in my heart I'm not ready for them yet but then I think of later in life, and I don't see it anywhere in the near future either.

This might all have something do with a reality check so to speak of the fact that I'm 25 years old and I've never done a single thing besides hug a boy and be his friend. (No kissing, slow dancing, dating, and no I have never had sex.) Though this is stuff I've known for every year that none of this stuff happens, so what is the change? Can it have to do with I deal with kids every day I go to work from the young to the teenage/pre adults and that my want for them is lessen by this sheer experience of manning groups of kids on a field trip day in day out for a couple day straight here and there during the school year/ summer school time?

Don't get me wrong I love my job, but never before working so closely with so many kids did I ever think I'd start to change my mind on having my own. Do I believe I'll never have kids, I'm not so sure.. I think it might happen one day I haven't totally said no to the idea but there are days when I deal with some troublesome kids that make me wanna say yes: "I WILLL NOT! BE HAVING KIDS!"  But my mind always reminds me these aren't gonna be your kids (hopefully) so don't judge what could be on what your seeing now, when if they do happen at this point they aren't even born yet.

I'm more in the mood to get a Cat or another Dog but till I live on my own that won't be happening.

Speaking of living on my own I get more and more anxious every other day or so to have my own space to live on my own to have my own place to come home to every night. Maybe it has to do with ever since I changed my room around and put my bed on the opposite wall I've felt off about the room itself and I want put my bed on that other wall again, but I'm not entirely sure if that will help.

A lot of me thinks that some type of sense of security and happiness will come to me when I can finally move out and live on my own and pay my own way and all of my bills. And I know I want that for myself and to live on my own (as I've mentioned in here before more then once) before I ever do find that guy (if I ever do and ever go down that path) and settle down.

Though when it comes to my own place I start to think of if I wanna live in California all my life or for a long while or if those white winters will be enough to drag me back to Colorado one day... or will my missing of my Dad and other family members break the camel's back and bring me back to where I was born. Do I really wanna go back when I know for the most part as little of a life as  I've made for myself it is here (in Cali) right now. I don't have friends out there really, yes some childhood people I knew back in K-5 grade perhaps but good luck finding them.

I feel much like I'm in a limbo state/stage of life right now esp. at my job I'm down 1/3 months of probation and everything seems to being going well. I'm just bummed with a few changes here and there that have been happening coworkers that I love seeing are now leaving for other jobs or spending more time at new ones they got. Work just isn't quite the same the more people I connected with leave. Once one more person leaves (which they are in Sept.) I will be the last of my group who got hired in at the same time. Like I mentioned in the last post a lot of the time when I get a moment I think of where else I'd go if I did what else would I do. I'm pretty sure I never wanna do retail ever again, (minus when I do it at work in our gift shop) and I'm not entirely sure if I did go back to school what I'd go back for.


All I know right now is I need to vacuum my room before I change it back (or move the bed back over to the opposite wall) and really think out all my opinions and maybe just maybe let life breath for awhile stop thinking so much of what it could be in the future  and focus on what I can make of it right now instead of just what little is that I let it be, when I know I can do so much more (in general and well as always in getting better and being healthy...  that's still a big goal of mine even if I've not really let myself do anything about it as of late.) then I have been doing.

Life Or Something Like It

My last real post that didn't include a bunch of pictures with tidbits of info was back in April or early May right before my birthday. A lot and also nothing has happened in the last couple months, and I've gone through a lot in my head for what to write or say or do in my life, but as of late this is what is going on. In my life and inside my head, well most of it.

Work is a touché subject at the moment but just to make it short and sweet to get out of the way so I can let it be and whatever I'll say what's going on. Due to being caught with gum one too many times and then getting a formal complaint from a guest I am now on probation for the next three months (90days) and my current role that I was promoted to just a little over a year ago (weird to say that it's been that long) I might lose and be demoted with pay lost as well if I don't shape up and improve. Though I can say that its the best outcome I could have hoped for after I found out about the complaint on Friday and didn't hear anything beside possible termination if its a pattern in my record of having a behavioral issue(s). I freaked most of the weekend that I'd lose my job... made me panic and etc. But moving on getting better and being the best employee I can be and try to get back to where I was working on getting higher up before all this happened soon enough it will happen.

All that above makes me think about how long I wanna be doing what I'm doing or any part of what I can do there and while I can see myself there for awhile I don't necessarily see myself there forever. But where else, I have no idea and I don't wanna worry about that till I'm back in my safely bubble off of probation so to speak.

Life around beyond work is really been nothing much but lack a dazzical if that is even a word or phrase. I've tended to just be lazy bum when I'm not working and watch movies or sleep most days if I'm off. A pattern I remember getting me in trouble a few years ago when I'd get antsy because I wasn't doing anything else and my frustrations would come out at work. While I know better this time I can still feel some issues coming up in the back of my mind when my day just doesn't go as planned at work.

I need to find a hobby, I know that sounds silly almost but I need to be more then my work I need a life that isn't just hanging out even if I am going out with friends I need to be using my brain to do more then just stare at a screen telling me a story every day or pinning things on Pinterest. Hoping for a better life one day or something more out of it in the future. I guess you can say I'm stuck but I did it to myself. One of my biggest fears is watching life pass me by or missing out on something because I was too busy to catch it when it came by. So much so that I put myself in this mode of don't do anything in fear of missing out so instead I don't do anything and in turn miss out on well, everything.

Apart me knows my weight is a main culprit that when I was lighter I was happier not just physically but emotionally and mentally I was just more there not buried in weight that I added to myself to have something to do in a moment of boredom or moment of that sounds good. I need to eat better I need to make better choices all around, at my weight now I am so not wanting to go to the gym. But I have a Wii I have dvds (I bought for when I didn't have time for the gym prior to work ironically) and I have my local weight room at my complex. I even have a swimming pool and with it being summer it probably wont be too cold to use.

I need to stop making excuses not to do anything or rather just not doing anything with no excuse but just doing it. I need to switch that up to just doing things. Slowly and little by little at first of course but I need to get back to life. I had some big idea about posting about body image and etc. but I don't think I'm quiet there yet to formulate all my ideas and etc. into a post that would make sense to myself more than anyone reading it.

I wanna write in  here more to decompress and vent more then I do. I need to start drawing/painting more, I do it time to time and it helps me sleep, and helps me feel happier the next day.

I need to start happening to life instead of letting life happen to me.