Courage: Sometimes its about being Scared and Doing it anyways.

I have to state that I'm honestly shocked at how fast this year has gone by. It's already October and it doesn't feel like enough stuff has happened for a full almost year to have gone by already. Is this what happens as you get older the time just goes faster and faster till it just stops?

Any event, lets get some things out of the way with what has been going on my life. Last I wrote I was on probation at work due to some things and well earlier last month because I did "nothing" (literally) a guest complained and after talks with the people upstairs (them amongst themselves not me)  instead of suspending me, they put me on final warning. I didn't lose my new position that they did threaten to say I could lose if anything else happened while on probation but they didn't do that. But any thing that happens in the next 3-6 months (I say the latter to be in the clear and able to apply for a higher up position) I could be terminated; aka fired.

I went through a moment or two (still have them) where I think about finding something else, looking for another job. Though at this moment I've also thought of sticking it through and see where I can get come April (Crossing fingers and prayers that nothing else happens) with any other positions etc. Also right now with holidays right around the corner I don't think I'll be finding any really solid jobs so to speak.

I at sometimes feel that working in a place that is science oriented and doing field trips for kids in school with demonstrations that focus in certain parts of that field if faced with say someone who studied the subject or teaches it for a living with degree I almost feel fraud like when doing my job. Like I'm just waiting for them to call me out on being wrong, I don't know maybe its just silly insecurity but it does happen time and time again with certain groups or guests that come in.  (My over thinking brain judging some one's look at me as something that probably isn't even there.. ) And at the end of the day as much as I love science and watching things with science in them (sci-fi) or what have you, I rather not deal with it every day if I don't have to.

Plus to be honest with all that's gone on lately with me being on final warning and etc. as much as I know I love my job and its one of my favorites so far I don't think its something / or somewhere I wanna be forever. Though were to go from there I have no idea.
Though I also try not to get too ahead of myself or frustrated at things I can't control or change these days when it comes to anything work related, I only get in over my head that way it seems.

 

-- --- ---

 

 

Most days in life I'm still learning how to cope with just being myself, whomever that is I'm not still entirely sure. I feel at times I've lost myself or I choose to ignore parts of myself that I know are trying to tell me to get up and do things to make my life better. I feel my days and weeks blurring together so much that half the time the only way I know what day it is, is by my work schedule.

 

I've lost my train of thought, I started to write a paragraph and then delete it and then write something new and then read the post in a preview as an over view and back track and delete a lot of what I just wrote. I feel like as honest and open as I come off in here, I'm stuck with what to say right now because I've said it all before. This is probably my hardest post because my life right now is really nothing. I have nothing that makes me look forward to the day anymore, nothing that makes me jump up and go YES! I'm not OK with that I'm not.

 

Spending my life as much as I can remember trying to if not be perfect at least be something to someone, anyone to look up to, to say hey this girl is great. It sometimes just makes me wanna stick out my tongue at anyone I've tried to impress and give them a big THPPPPH! Or well depending on the person perhaps a finger of choice?

 

I feel lost not just in life, but in purpose; in identity. I've been thinking of getting this tattoo on my ankle with my tax refund come the beginning of the year I had yet to print out something to help myself fully design it and I just kept putting it off. I had another tattoo that I'd thought when I get to goal weight (more because I wanted it on the side of my ribs and didn't want distort the image, with weigh lost/gain) I'd get that eventually too. Plus one I'd been thinking of getting forever since my last one.. (still want that one)

 

The more I thought and put off printing said piece to help me design this newest idea the more I thought do I really want more of them? I'm not against them in any means I mean I have four of them already. But in hindsight, esp. with my wrist one that I did get "whim-ish" though I don't regret at all, was a I sure I wanted all these (new ones). Was I sure I even wanted any more period? What I realized was I'm not sure of anything at all. I'm a blank canvas of sorts, just perhaps too skittish to put down the pen or brush to create my masterpiece so to speak.

 

I've said this line a lot in a lot of my posts (quoting it from another post even):

 

"One of my biggest fears is watching life pass me by or missing out on something because I was too busy to catch it when it came by."

 

I'm so scared of something going wrong, I do nothing in fear of perhaps it even all going right. (Because what if it doesn't or what if it does!) I've placed this in my head so much that I've never let myself explore, dream, think more of anything I could do in life (minus day to day things of course) as nothing bigger then an idea of, "HEY THAT WOULD BE AN AWESOME IDEA!" I've let myself become what I fear most, I've let a good chunk of my life pass me by, sure I'm still young and sure I still have plenty of time but what scares me most and made me become so in a blur lately I think is due to my friends death back in April, maybe not consciously since the thoughts and the patterns were already there, but it didn't help (well in did in a bad way).

 

I realize most days how fragile/short life can be, and in a way I let that get the best of me. I let it stop me from doing things. Like buying clothes till I got lighter (ended up having to buy some because I needed clothes when I realized how little I have that fit anymore) in weight.

 

I've known some thing's about myself for a very long time but just not ready to admit them out loud but better yet I wasn't ready to do something about fixing them. I'm still not sure I am either.

 

Success and Failure both scare me; I'm just a perfectionist that what if my success isn't what I want it to be or even "in" what I want it to be.  Or what if I just plain fail?

 

Case in point above: I over think too much "A LOT" of the time, I over analyze everything to death and "What if" more then anyone I know, you could say I have my heads in the clouds but to be honest I think that would be a vacation for my brain.

 

I like playing all scenarios out in my head before they happen or scenarios that could happen but never do. Or play past things in my head over and over, things I should have said things I shouldn't. Or even done or not done.

 

I put things off till last minute, its the procrastinator in me and also the thing in me that goes hey I still have that to do, because God forbid I get to a point that I have nothing to do or  don't have the ability to do something... .

 

In the end I let myself blend in and just pretty much try to fit in as much as possible instead of sticking out like a sore thumb, I guess I only want attention on me if its for good/ right reasons what ever that really means. I mean no one wants the spot light on them when things are going wrong.

 

With all this I am also a food addict.. is that what you call it? Like an alcoholic but with food instead: foodoholic? I don't know what to call it but I know I do it, my bank account knows I do it. When I'm bored, when I find something new when I'm stressed out, tired, "PMSing" put an adjective or emotion in there and I probably pair eating with it.

 

Since I've really never explored much of anything but to impress other people my outlet for anything else going on at the time or when I was no longer doing said thing to impress was to eat in many ways, not to say that's all I do all day long no. I sometimes binge though, even now I sometimes forget that I even do it now. I'll buy a biggie everything at the drive thru and pig out. (Like three Jack in the Box tacos a large milk shake, and then a large root beer and chili fries from Carl's Jr.) Or even say a grocery store and load up on a single serving pizza or a pint of  Ben and Jerry's or square/slice of cake.. I eat sometimes till I feel sick to my stomach and still keep eating. Sometimes I tell myself I do this so I feel something.  To the point last year I spent just over 1,000 on all the junk alone, and right now its already a little over 1,000.. and this year isn't even quiet done yet.

 

I've mentioned this "Something" before when I was being better during weight lost time before gaining it all back. I was more aware of it then and didn't just binge like I use to prior to being in the middle of my weight loss or now  with gaining the weight plus a good 25-30lbs on top of it back.

 

I've never really figured out what this something is.. I wish I could. Maybe its my want for more then just living day to day life just to get by the things I have to do to make a living (work, and etc.) and then just exist afterwards on the couch watching TV or surfing the web. To actually live a life where I don't depend on people's opinions on who I am as a person at the end of the day or to feel that "sick fullness" of over eating to get me by for the day.

 

To finally truly explore and find who I truly am, to finally only worry about impressing; me.