Who Am I to Say these things, To believe in these things I do.....

Not a lot has changed really in the last couple months, I have made some decisions in my life and a lot of the time when I contemplate even trying to explain myself or my reasoning's for things I feel like I'm being a whiny bitch.

I have decided next year is gonna be a year of travel for me, at least more than usual, which say not a lot since I haven't left this state since 2008. I'm currently saving for a trip to Boston in May for just 3 days, leaving late on a Monday night and arriving there early morning Tuesday and stay till Thursday Night. Coming home in time to sleep some before work the following Friday.

Boston has been a place I have wanted to visit for a while, and for sometime I was trying to figure out who I wanted to go with me on this trip and how we would split the travel plans and etc. The thing was Boston was on my list of places to see because I thought of one day moving there to live, maybe not forever but at least as some place new. Though I knew I needed to go there and visit first to be sure of this, I mean its a literal move across the country.  One day I thought why do I need to have someone come with me, I'm 26 years old (will be turning 27 during my time in Mass.) its not like I need a babysitter or a chaperone of some type. I'm an adult, or at least most days pretend to be so, I went to the math calculations of what it would cost to disappear in a sense for a week in Boston. I couldn't afford it so I as sad as I was, I moved on and started to focus on the possibilities of that position at work I applied for a few months ago coming back around, because they always want to add new people to that department and people come and go as well.

Well I wasn't feeling it, I wasn't into really wanting that position anymore. Also when my manager brought up possibly helping out in our LA location (to a lot of us in a meeting) that we are opening in November I thought ok maybe that will be something I can go for. Though in the back of my head I really kept thinking of Boston. I couldn't get it out of my head, and I started to question why it was so important to me to get away especially there. Why not say Colorado? I had family there I haven't seen since 2008.

Thinking long and hard about it, I realized I need a change of perspective a place where I don't  have any connects to just decompress for "real"  to get out my head and all the notions of what I was or who I am even in my own head. I have spent the last 15 years here in California and I feel I have been jaded by that. Not to say being jaded is a bad thing, I have been effected by my time here as much as I have my time in Colorado I spent the first 11 years of my life there and it shaped me as well.

I had to start my calculations again, I knew I couldn't afford a full week but perhaps I could afford a couple days out there maybe just three. (The arrive early morning idea came when trying to price flights and I was able to see I could get more of a full day that way) I realized that I could probably afford as long as I saved as much as I could around things I had to do "Bills and etc. " and as long as I was making a certain amount per check it was indeed possible, probably tight as I saved and paid for things to make sure I purchased the plane ticket/hotel and etc. in enough time advancement.

So I have officially started to save for that, and than my mind kept playing the guilt card for not visiting my family in Colorado. Well one day I realized hey it would be indeed a lot cheaper to go visit my family in Colorado for a full week being that I'd be staying with my Dad and Brother. So I decided to add it to the list for August of next year for a full week Sunday-Saturday.

Amongst all these traveling plans I knew I needed to start to lose this extra weight I have on my body. I knew from the last time I flew when I weighed about 70-80lbs lighter than I am now I had a hard time getting the seat belt to fit across my lap and buckle and the seat its self was pretty tight. There is no way it would work right now, and while I have a good head start with losing 10-20 lbs. so far I have not taken the means to lose the weight like I should/could have and while I could blame a current cold I have you know what road that leads me down (if you have read past entries) I don't tend to get better once the cold is over I tend to find another one. Hazards of working with kids I guess.

I need to lose the weight I have gained since my last plane trip, plus a bit more just to insure that I wont have to be charged for say another seat or a seatbelt extender. (SCARY THOUGHT!) I'm not gonna go on and on about how much I need/want to lose before Boston in May or even my plans at this point because I have played with that whole scenario many times and never stuck to anything as of yet. I know I need to, as the saying goes bit the bullet and just do the stuff I know works (from pass weight loss) to lose the weight not just for my traveling but for my health.

My weight is no longer an issue for me for accepting myself as someone who is worthy of everything anyone else is worthy of. I always thought all I need to do was lose weight and I'd have more acceptance I'd get more attention (mostly from guys) but than my logical side would bring out the sass in me and go fuck them if that's what gets you more attention. I always played the double edge sword in the whole weight loss thing, wait to find someone who truly loves me despite my size or always wonder if/ when I find someone after.

I have stuck sort of with my sassy self in the fuck them opinion only in that I know most of my issues with food and self esteem have been fueled but outside sources that have claimed my body to be wrong, my personality to be not normal because I get the label "not your average girl" faster than I can blink sometimes. I take pride in that as much as I go "does that mean there is something not normal or wrong with me?" And I'm slowly learning or at least accepting the fact that no there is nothing wrong with me. Nothing wrong with any of us physically or mentally, we are who we are and we should be able to be who we are regardless if someone agrees or disagrees with it.

I spent so much time trying to "belong" I forgot that perhaps being who I was all along instead of trying to relate to everyone and be like everyone was enough.

I'm not saying this road has been an enlighten piece of cake, I have my days where I route back to my old ways and get stuck in my head again listening to that stuff that my brain has been wired to over the years to believe is true and important when its just noise that my brain is making out of habit.

Slowly each day I learn to trust a feeling of absolutely happiness or peace I get inside myself when my heart finds things that are the most important to me, and instead of questioning them to the point of what will people thing of me if I do this or that or what kind of person does that make me to so-and-so think I am. I learn there is a reason I feel what I feel in my heart for these things; they matter.

I got this quote on a Starbucks coffee the other day its says: "Know what sparks the light in you, Then use that light to illuminate the world." -Oprah

If you listen your heart/mind  (your soul) will show you or tell you what sparks that light and it feels amazing. I've learnt when I got to do a demonstration for a coworkers school group that I was doing for the public doing shows that day that I miss working with the kids (summer means less and less groups, and with new people in our area they are getting priority for experience before the school year really starts) there is something more to my life when I get to interact with them, when I get to teach them something whether or not it leaves an impact forever its something that in that instant leaves a mark and hopefully leads to something more for them. And as much as I say who am I to make an impression on anyone to be anything or to impact their life in some dramatic way, who knows? (Anything is possible.)

I digress, any even I do know I really, really want to get back to school to become an elementary school teacher. I had the idea of being a teacher since I can remember. I was the kid the first day I was sick and couldn't go to school I cried and threw a fit (my brother thought I was crazy) and would teach my stuff animals or read to them from my books showing them the pictures like story time in school. I think just life in general you get these ideas in your head that sometimes lead you astray and all the while I know there is so much more to life that I wanna do, I know that teaching is something I can really do well and hopefully inspire a child some how or help them toward their dreams. (My mind keeps saying who are you to say you can do these things, who are you to say you can impact a child's life any way... I need to work on this.)

There is also something else I keep thinking back to especially with this whole ALS ice bucket challenge thing going on right now, I donated and will be doing the challenge to support people with ALS more than to challenge anyone tomorrow. Though my mind goes you do these things, you donate and you care but what about some of the stuff you say your too scared to do for someone. Like I have donated blood just in general at blood drives and also once while a little girl was having a heart operation and needed my blood type to help. I felt and still feel the basic need to do this, like its not an opinion its a human need to do these things, like the AIDs walk I did back in 2006. I feel like in a way I have a duty to help my fellow people where I can to stand up for them to help battle things they are going through with them. But I also feel like a fool for some reason when I think this stuff or say these things. Don't ask me why perhaps its my self esteem getting to me again and my self worth needing to be improved upon and that takes time.

Though I go back and forth on one whole thing there is something called the bone marrow registry where you can sign up and get bone marrow taken out and put into a data base that if it matches someone in need you can donate your own marrow to help someone who needs to help beat cancer. All I imagine in that is a life, I could help live a little longer in this short little time frame we all get and what's more powerful or better than that.

I'm not about to be someone who goes "HEY LOOK WHAT I DID I SAVED A LIFE." -no- I just wanna help a person (People) live the fullest best life they can have.

Though the bone marrow thing scares me, because its painful by people who've done it (they are digging into your bone for your marrow) but for some reason I feel like I should. I mean I checked that organ donor card on my license without a second thought when I got my permit and was filling out the paper work. I mean I'm of the opinion that hey once I'm gone why not give my organs to someone who needs/can use them to live their life. I guess its easier to say something like that knowing you won't be around for the chopping (so morbid).  Though that's also when I look at myself in the mirror and see the state my body is in and probably my organs as well and know I'm in no shape for anything to be worth saving someone in the long run, another check for the get healthy campaign I guess.

I kept telling myself not to write any of this stuff, again my brain saying who am I do these things to believe these things to say I'm worth helping someone else live there life. (I'm becoming a sap as I type crying like a loon) I just don't see anything better than to teach and help try to inspire our youth for a better world but also help those in need (sometimes even young kids) to live a full life. And have my own grand life hopefully where I can inspire my own kids/family.

I feel so silly writing all this and crying about it all, I'm just one person but this one person feels everyone should get a fair shot at an awesome life and I keep need to remind myself I'm included in that puzzle too.

Of This I'm Sure..

 

I have spent so much of my life doing this, things to happen or and how they'd unfold or going through the past and saying how things could have been different, though they'll never be.

At times I get so lost in these thoughts that I forget about current life and everything going on around me, only letting myself focus at the task at hand till I can go back in to my own mind, and in a sense day dream my life away.


I have spent a lot of time in my head wondering how things should be in my life and how the next steps in my life should go, and than I realize something when I'm so busy in my head planning the what if's the could be's  what happens to now? This is all you have right now, the moment were in. When the future comes we only know it as now, sure its great to have some goals and some direction in life but to forget about everything you can be grateful for right now, to not enjoy the moment your in right now... what's the point. You'll always wanting to be somewhere else, five steps ahead with no where to walk because its not there yet. That's why we trip up and get negative and caught up in the what they heck will I do! We start to try to make a future that isn't even likely happen in an instant, instead of joying the life that we have right now.

I've written a lot in here about what I want my life to be, who I wanna be. Though in the back of my head or in my soul I know that in a way I already know who I am, sure I haven't experienced a lot of things in life but that only molds you in a small way on the grand scheme of things. What I know is that I'm a good person, I wear my heart on my sleeve, I like to think I'm compassionate in the things and people I care for, more so then my own self at times. I'm goofy and at times immature (as mom would say  "That is so un-lady like") though I'm smart and would love to have a deep conversation on my views about the world, religion and etc. with I hope anyone (both of us open minded).. I love to understand where people are coming from, on anything or hearing stories of peoples life.

 

 

Reading through a few entries from when I first started writing in this blog 4 years ago has made me realize a lot of these things have changed and I have so grown as a person in the pass 4 years as well. I know I still have my demons as every one has and I know I will continue to have my bad days with my self esteem and etc. as well as my good ones. Though when I look past just me, when I look out into this world my mind boggles at the idea of how I sometimes get so stuck in thoughts I make for myself that my day, my month, year and that my life is going so bad. When its actually pretty damn good, and then I also realize why I hide in my own world sometimes when I see how others have it, and it makes my heart ache esp. when I know at this point in my life I can't do much to help some.

 

I've learned lately in that I just need to as Elsa says "LET GO!!" haha but its true. Let go of expectations that more then anything I've put on myself just for the sake of getting by, when there need not be one. I'm tired in playing into the games of playing it small of being afraid of what someone might say or not think about me. I cant stop anyone from doing such, just like I can't stop you the reader having comments in your head about this post. Unless I just completely block everyone out and write it just for myself, but that still proves my point.

What makes this world unique is the fact that there are so many different beliefs and people and opinions and colors and just its magical when you think about it.

How boring would life be if we all had the same thoughts the same views the same looks, blah!

I have wrote one or two of these in the past and I know some of these things might be on repeat but i think its time to bring in another, things I know for sure.... 

I have never felt more myself more confident in who I am then I have at this moment, this isn't to say that come tomorrow I wont have what is called an "ugly day" or have moments where I'm at a lost because that is human nature. Also not to say that in 3-5 years time or even shorter then that, when I read through this I feel like right now compared to then I had no clue.

Most days at least lately I haven't felt the need to eat just for the sake of eating, I actually find it harder to make up my mind on what I wanna eat most days and at times forget to eat till my stomach growls in reminder. That isn't to say that I don't want to get back to the gym and focus on losing the extra weight I have gained, but that isn't a thing of I need to do it to feel more myself its more of I need to actually function daily to go about my day with more gusto than I can right now because physically I just can't. There are times I feel the need to be moving around like crazy when say interacting with a  school group on stage or playing with Stanley and then I have to tone it down because I lose my breath lose my step etc. I want this to better my abilities not to make me more complete.

 

 

My weight is my weight, not who I am. My size in pants is my pants size not what type of person I am. I want to be healthy not a certain size, weight or what have you. And yes while I'm confident in the person I am I want to be confident in the body that I have. In that I want to feel secure in myself physically but not in a number or size but in how I feel each day good or bad and adjust accordingly. I know I get antsy moments and ya know, that's my body saying hey I'm not done with the day yet lets do something lets get up and move.

 

I know I want a balance life of eating well and eating what I want, but also having the ability to do things like run around with my future kids. Hell be able to carry my future kids. Yes, I have come back to the wanting kids path, and I really don't think I ever left it. I just felt so scared of it of knowing once I end up having kids once I find that guy to be father to my future babies there is no going back to the life I had prior to kids, once their there. But to know you have to raise them and shape them and it never ends, even once you get to my age and older I'm sure because I know my mom is still teaching me things and still helping me grow even now that I'm an adult. That just total intimate connect got the best of me, especially when I've never had a date let alone a connection more then a friendship with a guy to know how it all works. I figured I'd be a single lady the rest of my life a crazy cat lady so to speak, but no cats.. dogs. LMAO.

 

I believe it will happen one day, maybe not anytime soon but I'm ok with that. I'm not quite at the point in my life to have that all happen yet, but there is no time line for me to have that. I know I'd love it to happen within the next ten years or so because of physical reasons it just gets harder to conceive the older we get. But as I know looking back on entries in just 4 years so much can change and so a total world shift could happen in the next ten, and I really, really look forward to that and in a way I'd love to know my future and know what's all in store for it. Though, why take the magic out of the life that has yet to come, focus on my life now and make it so great that when that time comes I got stories to tell. 

 

 

 

I want a marriage, I want a family that comes together at the holidays (or weekends) with all the good stuff of the cold ass winters, the leaves changing in the fall and the summers that are still hot as hell but in the end the memories the connections we create make the life that I want the peace of having that means more then winning the lottery. I love my family I do but we are so disconnected in life now, my mom and I here in California, my dad and brother with my dads side of the family in Colorado and my mom's side (what's left) in Missouri. I want a big family get together like I use to have when I was kid at Christmas, yes it was just my dad's side of the family but those are the memories I remember best and I miss those and I think that beside the factor that the weather pulls me out of the season more then a lot of things the main culprit is the who missing family experience. So I wanna create that again, with the one I make even if that means its more my husbands family then mine I wouldn't mind. (I'm blabbering here with a smile on my face)

 

 

 

Though to step back a few years because this wont be for a few to come, besides getting into shape to help me do the things I want/need to do in my life (like said things above) I also know that I wanna go back to school, maybe just to focus on a few topics learn some languages and perhaps get a degree or not. I wanna move out on my own and live by myself for at least a year before I do all said things as mentioned above.(Kids and Family Part) Part of me wants to do this in a place that is all new, ya know move to a totally different state with only a job and a place to call home every day and build a life there or try to. Away from a lot of things, not to say I'm trying to run away from things in my life as of now, I just know it would be good for me to focus on building a life that only I have to answer for.

 

I wanna to write more and perhaps one day publish a book, all those day dreams I mentioned before they can be put good use when I actually think of a story to write about instead of my own life made into a soap opera in my head at night before I go to bed. I wanna learn languages at least the moment relearn Spanish enough to use it, and also sign language. I wanna draw more, perhaps one day make a children book(s) I don't wanna cage myself to one thing the rest of my life, there is one line in a movie once that rubbed me the wrong way the mother told her daughter, "This is your life, don't get creative."

Isn't that what your life is for? To get creative to make mistakes to fall in love, to dream and inspire the world around you to be a better place. To help others when in need just because they are in need.

I want all this, to slowly start to unfold in my life. To start to test the waters so to speak.

 

 In that same token I want to be a little be more adventurist in the things I do, to not skip out on the life I've already made for myself here see where that can take me while I live it and explore and learn create, new experiences and through friendships I have made here as well, . Meaning the whole get up go to work come home and walk Stanley and be done with the day need to change up if the opportunity arises that I can mix it up a bit why not. Life is meant to be lived, not spent waiting on the moment for it all to start because if you keep waiting for that convenient moment for your life to begin I'm afraid you've already missed it.

Thanks for reading.. esp. if you made it this far. Dang I wrote a novel (what happens when you don't write for almost two months)

 

 



It is What it Is.....

I have so much going on in this noggin that what I wanna say (esp. for waiting so long to write) will come out in a jumbled mess, so bare with my scatterbrained ness for this post please... because it is what it is...

In the past three weeks I've worked 35-40 hours each week and while that may seem normal, my normal is 40 for every two. I'm not quite sure how people do it, but it happens. Though I don't think I could do it all the time and then also have a "real" life outside of work. I guess in a way I'm seeing lately how much time I have been wasting really. How I was always putting things (life) off till another day and then complaining about being tired and being behind in doing things. Like you don't wanna see the state of my bedroom/bathroom right now which I usually keep in pretty good condition lol.

I've also been having more days of I need to find something different for work wise when it gets crazy but it seems when I can remove myself from the situation or I'm at home for the evening or on the rare day off I've been getting during our busy time I go back to loving my job a little more and remembering that every place you go will have points of it that you may not like and wish could change but really, I love most of what I do day-to-day. Yes there are moments that true, but isn't that with everyone/thing?

(side note: I never mentioned but I did not get the promotion I had mention in my last post they said they'd love for me to apply again next time.. still on the fence if that will happen.)

The craziness of life aside I have really started to seeing myself physically and get turned off by it in a sense and realize when I have inside comments to myself when I see  people of a bigger size I'm not judging them, I'm judging the size because I can relate to it because for me the size I am my weight I'm at is not a thing I'm comfortable with at all, and I could see myself become bigger if I don't change something and I wanna change. I hate to compare myself to anyone because that leads down a dangerous road but I'd love to be active and fit like Jessica Biel always have in a way. More in her earlier years like right after 7th Heaven, like Texas Chainsaw Massacre or Blade Trinity days. 

I miss the energy I had the ability to be on my feet no matter the shoes and while they would ache I wouldn't feel like a old women walking around my home afterwards just to go use the restroom after laying on the couch to rest. Also I need to get over using the elevator at work every time to go up stairs just because I hate being winded like I am so easily going up them, that will only change with going up them and losing weight. I miss being able to do stairs without issue.

Once this crazy work time is over and my mind can adjust (last week April/first of may) I'm gonna get back to the gym and use my time more wisely and eat better. Grand thing about working the long hours by the time I get off lately its time to come home and have dinner and so I have no excuse to go out and get something on the way home so I have been saving money. Since when I get off in the afternoon hours I have a tendency to pick up lunch instead of just making it and eating it on the way to the gym or something.

In my thoughts about the future things have changed a bit mostly about kids and all that jazz but nothing to write about at this moment since I've never even been on a date let alone been some one's girlfriend.

I have to keep reminding myself in all this chaos that is life right now that days go by and things get better and that the only way I have a bad day is if I let things I cant control that go wrong ruin it. Things that can be dealt with and let go should be so I can enjoy the day not stressing till I'm red in the face with frustration and teary eyed with being upset over a situation that really doesn't need that much of my energy anyways.

Life is what you make it... and I'm gonna start making it grand.

Life Update

I've had so many blog ideas roaming in my head as of late that I just never got around to posting anything... but I figure I'd do a little life update since at the moment I cant quite get all my thoughts together for a grand post of one of those roaming ideas I mentioned.

So it's almost the end of February and life has been a little crazy and a little eh these last month(s) since I posted.. I think I posted like 2nd day of January so I'll included it too.

Last I wrote I was getting better, at going to the gym and I had a tiny meltdown of sorts in the food related category but soon after that things went a little haywire. You see some how I sat wrong on my hip and either flared up an old injury or just pinched a nerve but for the rest of that night it hurt to get up or sit down or bend over in anyway and work wasn't all that grand either but gratefully my shifts were all where I got to sit down till that healed up.

Once I was starting to think I could start getting back to the gym again a week or so later one Sunday morning I woke up at 2am with an upset stomach and tossed and turned for an hour before everything that was still in my stomach wanted out. And it just would not quit being queasy so I had to finally make my first call out of work, sick call ever in the little over two years I had been there. I called at 9am for a 1pm shift because I knew there was no way I could do the shift if I couldn't keep anything down and I had a slight fever as well. It took a couple days for me to eat normally after that because my stomach would just get so queasy with the tiniest amount of food in it.

About maybe a week and half later I ended up catching a head cold that by two weeks after my stomach issue I just could not talking without my throat killing me, so instead of going into work and doing a horrible job and perhaps infecting the field trip group I had that day, I had to call out again and went to the doctor to make sure that I didn't have strep throat. I ended up getting some antibiotics that because they had sulfur in them I had the gnarly acid reflex/ acid burps if I didn't take them in the middle of food... hurt so bad.  Though I've been done with them for about a week now I still have a slight cough/phlegm issue from the cold but feeling much more better and like myself then I have in a while for most of the last two months.

I need to start getting back in the gym and eating better (wont say how many times I've had fast food this week already- just leave it at too many) and losing weight. On the plus side with being sick I did lose 11 lbs. but I gained 2-3lbs back over my bad eating the last couple days. I also need to do a little cleaning/ reorganization doing in my apartment since it's lacked besides the real important stuff while I've not been at my best.

Last but not least I feel more secure in my job again because I get the feeling that while I still have a good three weeks at this rate till all my past written ups (the last one anyways) go away I did apply and get an interview for a different (higher up) position at work and if they felt I still needed to work on things and or that I wasn't clear enough on my record I wouldn't even have gotten the interview. Which says A LOT. ( I should know by the first of the month of the outcome of said interview.)

 I'm taking each day moment by moment there, its hard some days when you may not want to say do what your scheduled to do or the day isn't going how you want it. But as long as you don't let it effect you in a negative way it turns out pretty good.

Focus on the positives in life to get you through.

Well that's all I got for now, but I promise a more grand idea floating around my head type of post next time.

Thanks again for reading.

Twenty-Fourteen

Happy 2014 to everyone who reads this, its been officially two days (almost into the 3rd) of this year and I'm kinda on the fence about this year already. The first was alright, I got to sleep in being off from work and I made it to the gym and got a work out in. Nothing to fancy but it was a step in the right direction being that one of my resolutions or goals so to speak for this year is to lost 80lbs.

Well today was kinda  nose dive of a day, it started off alright minus having to get up and be at work at 8:45 this morning, I'll never be happy waking up before 8:30-9am at the earliest.  Though my work day was good minus being sore from the gym (a  good sore) my body towards the end of the day decided to crap out on me. My stomach was upset and my dysfunctional menstrual cycle decide to show up for oh maybe two hours before going back to its guessing game of am I here or not here with being Aunt Flow time of the month. (This is nothing new with being as heavy as I am my cycle is so messed up and I know I'm not doing it any favors by staying at this weight) But in the process I had serious cramping at work and then I just felt nauseous the rest of the time and it just got worse on my way home and while I walked Stanley, to the point that while I waited on the hold *40mins* for costumer service from the covered ca to answer a question (I forgot my username/password) I was sleepy and had a headache and wasn't sure if I was gonna need to puke or what.

So long story short I took some Excedrin when my headache, just would not go away after I ate something after finally getting done with the phone call. Then we did a grocery run and got a good amount of healthy items and while I did snag my Conversation hearts (two little boxes) since they were already out (EARLY!) and I only get them once a year, always limiting myself to just two small boxes. I also told myself it wasn't a big deal to get a box of little Debbie Nutty Buddy bars instead of just the two pack since the grocery store we went to doesn't have it in a two pack. (Not that I really needed them they just sounded good)

I also had a Starbucks Pumpkin Latte (Venti- aka biggest one w/ Whip Cream)... lets just say my calorie limits that I had set up were busted by a long shot today and the little activity I did do didn't really burn much to help that. So I feel like while I'm 1-for-1 at this point I also feel like the biggest failure today and I just want to eat the rest of the box of nutty buddies so they are out of the house.

Instead I ate both boxes of conversation hearts, I had already had two packs of 2 nutty buddies after dinner with my Starbucks and as much as I still did want to kill all the rest of them (8 bars) I got water instead and came here to vent and make a post.  I serious should just go to bed, I don't know why I let food have this power on me that it shouldn't, it should be fuel and energy not some authority about myself worth.

Its now past midnight, and I need to wash my hands of this day and move on to the next. One day out of a week or a month wont do much in the long run and I just need to dust myself off from today and try again ( harder with better choices) tomorrow.

I plan to write out my weight loss plan and what I'm doing in my next post.

Till then here's about living in the moment...

Hope your new year has started of without a hitch.

Need to get out of my own head.....(this is only half the battle)

Stuck or limbo like existence perhaps is where I am at, I'm even at a lost to how to even start this post and I think with everything I wrote last post or two I was just focused on getting through on getting by after I realized that this year was almost up and what did I have to show for it. Yes I still have my job, but barley (two months down only 4 more to go till I'm off finale warning) and while its better like always there are good days and bad days.

With thanksgiving getting closer I was getting excited for the holiday season because I love this time of year, but once I started to take the decorations out for Christmas and we had turkey day dinner and I put all the Christmas décor out that day with my schedule being crazy at work (not getting off till sunset/or dark outside) and I wanted a good month of lights- besides snow (which I don't get) they are a favorite part of the holiday season. The excitement wore off, and ever sense I'm back in this glum of a static existence of sorts.

I've been thinking about my weight a lot these days, mostly because its become a hindrance more each day I've noticed. I feel more sluggish and the stairs seem to be harder to climb and not the mention that when it comes to field trips or just in general trying to talk to someone after I climb the stairs forget about it.  I feel the physical issues every day and try to ignore them most of the time I get by with that, but every time I look in the mirror or go through photos of a party with friends I was at I get that reminder of what I've let myself become. I don't like it I'm not comfortable this way physically and emotionally.

I feel like you know you've had enough of something when you just stare at the ceiling at night and wonder when will be the time when you just say screw it and change it instead of thinking instead of planning you just do it. Though I also have days were I do that and because I'm so tired and so exhausted from carrying this weight around (both physically and emotionally) that the act of going to work out of doing something of that nature just sounds so daunting and like the last thing I'd want to do, even though I know it will make me feel so much better. I "KNOW" this from past experience  but I still sit waiting for the last hair on the camel's back so to speak, to give me that determination again that motivation to change.

Lately I've even just felt like simply laying one way is an issue because putting to much of my weight on say a leg or on a joint the leg or arm or foot goes numb much quicker then your foot falling asleep after it being in the same position for too long. Some nights I do constantly shift while on the couch watching TV because a body part gets numb or feelings tingling and I know this isn't a good thing, I don't dare look up what it could possible mean with that. I just know it needs to change.

Honestly I think all the colds I got this year (as I've said before) were more due to the extra weight weakening my immune system and me not eating right and taking care of myself  and then you add the germs from the kids or just in the air because of the weather changes or what have you and you get sick.

I've gone back and forth on just eating a gluten free diet or at least playing with the idea of trying to change my diet to take out the gluten foods for a couple weeks to month and see if that changes anything but also just in general change my eating habits and eat better whole foods.

I'm tired of just getting by in life of wishing and waiting for something to happen, and while I want this I'm also scared at what it might mean in the end when I do get down to my goal weight but I cant let fear change my want or my need to get healthy and to in the best defense against germs and other things that I know I'm already at risk for with family history.

Emotionally I'm for sure damn ready. Physically, I'm ready (soreness be damn!)... now if I can just get out of my own darn head and become mentally ready as well. Here's hoping!

Courage: Sometimes its about being Scared and Doing it anyways.

I have to state that I'm honestly shocked at how fast this year has gone by. It's already October and it doesn't feel like enough stuff has happened for a full almost year to have gone by already. Is this what happens as you get older the time just goes faster and faster till it just stops?

Any event, lets get some things out of the way with what has been going on my life. Last I wrote I was on probation at work due to some things and well earlier last month because I did "nothing" (literally) a guest complained and after talks with the people upstairs (them amongst themselves not me)  instead of suspending me, they put me on final warning. I didn't lose my new position that they did threaten to say I could lose if anything else happened while on probation but they didn't do that. But any thing that happens in the next 3-6 months (I say the latter to be in the clear and able to apply for a higher up position) I could be terminated; aka fired.

I went through a moment or two (still have them) where I think about finding something else, looking for another job. Though at this moment I've also thought of sticking it through and see where I can get come April (Crossing fingers and prayers that nothing else happens) with any other positions etc. Also right now with holidays right around the corner I don't think I'll be finding any really solid jobs so to speak.

I at sometimes feel that working in a place that is science oriented and doing field trips for kids in school with demonstrations that focus in certain parts of that field if faced with say someone who studied the subject or teaches it for a living with degree I almost feel fraud like when doing my job. Like I'm just waiting for them to call me out on being wrong, I don't know maybe its just silly insecurity but it does happen time and time again with certain groups or guests that come in.  (My over thinking brain judging some one's look at me as something that probably isn't even there.. ) And at the end of the day as much as I love science and watching things with science in them (sci-fi) or what have you, I rather not deal with it every day if I don't have to.

Plus to be honest with all that's gone on lately with me being on final warning and etc. as much as I know I love my job and its one of my favorites so far I don't think its something / or somewhere I wanna be forever. Though were to go from there I have no idea.
Though I also try not to get too ahead of myself or frustrated at things I can't control or change these days when it comes to anything work related, I only get in over my head that way it seems.

 

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Most days in life I'm still learning how to cope with just being myself, whomever that is I'm not still entirely sure. I feel at times I've lost myself or I choose to ignore parts of myself that I know are trying to tell me to get up and do things to make my life better. I feel my days and weeks blurring together so much that half the time the only way I know what day it is, is by my work schedule.

 

I've lost my train of thought, I started to write a paragraph and then delete it and then write something new and then read the post in a preview as an over view and back track and delete a lot of what I just wrote. I feel like as honest and open as I come off in here, I'm stuck with what to say right now because I've said it all before. This is probably my hardest post because my life right now is really nothing. I have nothing that makes me look forward to the day anymore, nothing that makes me jump up and go YES! I'm not OK with that I'm not.

 

Spending my life as much as I can remember trying to if not be perfect at least be something to someone, anyone to look up to, to say hey this girl is great. It sometimes just makes me wanna stick out my tongue at anyone I've tried to impress and give them a big THPPPPH! Or well depending on the person perhaps a finger of choice?

 

I feel lost not just in life, but in purpose; in identity. I've been thinking of getting this tattoo on my ankle with my tax refund come the beginning of the year I had yet to print out something to help myself fully design it and I just kept putting it off. I had another tattoo that I'd thought when I get to goal weight (more because I wanted it on the side of my ribs and didn't want distort the image, with weigh lost/gain) I'd get that eventually too. Plus one I'd been thinking of getting forever since my last one.. (still want that one)

 

The more I thought and put off printing said piece to help me design this newest idea the more I thought do I really want more of them? I'm not against them in any means I mean I have four of them already. But in hindsight, esp. with my wrist one that I did get "whim-ish" though I don't regret at all, was a I sure I wanted all these (new ones). Was I sure I even wanted any more period? What I realized was I'm not sure of anything at all. I'm a blank canvas of sorts, just perhaps too skittish to put down the pen or brush to create my masterpiece so to speak.

 

I've said this line a lot in a lot of my posts (quoting it from another post even):

 

"One of my biggest fears is watching life pass me by or missing out on something because I was too busy to catch it when it came by."

 

I'm so scared of something going wrong, I do nothing in fear of perhaps it even all going right. (Because what if it doesn't or what if it does!) I've placed this in my head so much that I've never let myself explore, dream, think more of anything I could do in life (minus day to day things of course) as nothing bigger then an idea of, "HEY THAT WOULD BE AN AWESOME IDEA!" I've let myself become what I fear most, I've let a good chunk of my life pass me by, sure I'm still young and sure I still have plenty of time but what scares me most and made me become so in a blur lately I think is due to my friends death back in April, maybe not consciously since the thoughts and the patterns were already there, but it didn't help (well in did in a bad way).

 

I realize most days how fragile/short life can be, and in a way I let that get the best of me. I let it stop me from doing things. Like buying clothes till I got lighter (ended up having to buy some because I needed clothes when I realized how little I have that fit anymore) in weight.

 

I've known some thing's about myself for a very long time but just not ready to admit them out loud but better yet I wasn't ready to do something about fixing them. I'm still not sure I am either.

 

Success and Failure both scare me; I'm just a perfectionist that what if my success isn't what I want it to be or even "in" what I want it to be.  Or what if I just plain fail?

 

Case in point above: I over think too much "A LOT" of the time, I over analyze everything to death and "What if" more then anyone I know, you could say I have my heads in the clouds but to be honest I think that would be a vacation for my brain.

 

I like playing all scenarios out in my head before they happen or scenarios that could happen but never do. Or play past things in my head over and over, things I should have said things I shouldn't. Or even done or not done.

 

I put things off till last minute, its the procrastinator in me and also the thing in me that goes hey I still have that to do, because God forbid I get to a point that I have nothing to do or  don't have the ability to do something... .

 

In the end I let myself blend in and just pretty much try to fit in as much as possible instead of sticking out like a sore thumb, I guess I only want attention on me if its for good/ right reasons what ever that really means. I mean no one wants the spot light on them when things are going wrong.

 

With all this I am also a food addict.. is that what you call it? Like an alcoholic but with food instead: foodoholic? I don't know what to call it but I know I do it, my bank account knows I do it. When I'm bored, when I find something new when I'm stressed out, tired, "PMSing" put an adjective or emotion in there and I probably pair eating with it.

 

Since I've really never explored much of anything but to impress other people my outlet for anything else going on at the time or when I was no longer doing said thing to impress was to eat in many ways, not to say that's all I do all day long no. I sometimes binge though, even now I sometimes forget that I even do it now. I'll buy a biggie everything at the drive thru and pig out. (Like three Jack in the Box tacos a large milk shake, and then a large root beer and chili fries from Carl's Jr.) Or even say a grocery store and load up on a single serving pizza or a pint of  Ben and Jerry's or square/slice of cake.. I eat sometimes till I feel sick to my stomach and still keep eating. Sometimes I tell myself I do this so I feel something.  To the point last year I spent just over 1,000 on all the junk alone, and right now its already a little over 1,000.. and this year isn't even quiet done yet.

 

I've mentioned this "Something" before when I was being better during weight lost time before gaining it all back. I was more aware of it then and didn't just binge like I use to prior to being in the middle of my weight loss or now  with gaining the weight plus a good 25-30lbs on top of it back.

 

I've never really figured out what this something is.. I wish I could. Maybe its my want for more then just living day to day life just to get by the things I have to do to make a living (work, and etc.) and then just exist afterwards on the couch watching TV or surfing the web. To actually live a life where I don't depend on people's opinions on who I am as a person at the end of the day or to feel that "sick fullness" of over eating to get me by for the day.

 

To finally truly explore and find who I truly am, to finally only worry about impressing; me.