Who Am I to Say these things, To believe in these things I do.....

Not a lot has changed really in the last couple months, I have made some decisions in my life and a lot of the time when I contemplate even trying to explain myself or my reasoning's for things I feel like I'm being a whiny bitch.

I have decided next year is gonna be a year of travel for me, at least more than usual, which say not a lot since I haven't left this state since 2008. I'm currently saving for a trip to Boston in May for just 3 days, leaving late on a Monday night and arriving there early morning Tuesday and stay till Thursday Night. Coming home in time to sleep some before work the following Friday.

Boston has been a place I have wanted to visit for a while, and for sometime I was trying to figure out who I wanted to go with me on this trip and how we would split the travel plans and etc. The thing was Boston was on my list of places to see because I thought of one day moving there to live, maybe not forever but at least as some place new. Though I knew I needed to go there and visit first to be sure of this, I mean its a literal move across the country.  One day I thought why do I need to have someone come with me, I'm 26 years old (will be turning 27 during my time in Mass.) its not like I need a babysitter or a chaperone of some type. I'm an adult, or at least most days pretend to be so, I went to the math calculations of what it would cost to disappear in a sense for a week in Boston. I couldn't afford it so I as sad as I was, I moved on and started to focus on the possibilities of that position at work I applied for a few months ago coming back around, because they always want to add new people to that department and people come and go as well.

Well I wasn't feeling it, I wasn't into really wanting that position anymore. Also when my manager brought up possibly helping out in our LA location (to a lot of us in a meeting) that we are opening in November I thought ok maybe that will be something I can go for. Though in the back of my head I really kept thinking of Boston. I couldn't get it out of my head, and I started to question why it was so important to me to get away especially there. Why not say Colorado? I had family there I haven't seen since 2008.

Thinking long and hard about it, I realized I need a change of perspective a place where I don't  have any connects to just decompress for "real"  to get out my head and all the notions of what I was or who I am even in my own head. I have spent the last 15 years here in California and I feel I have been jaded by that. Not to say being jaded is a bad thing, I have been effected by my time here as much as I have my time in Colorado I spent the first 11 years of my life there and it shaped me as well.

I had to start my calculations again, I knew I couldn't afford a full week but perhaps I could afford a couple days out there maybe just three. (The arrive early morning idea came when trying to price flights and I was able to see I could get more of a full day that way) I realized that I could probably afford as long as I saved as much as I could around things I had to do "Bills and etc. " and as long as I was making a certain amount per check it was indeed possible, probably tight as I saved and paid for things to make sure I purchased the plane ticket/hotel and etc. in enough time advancement.

So I have officially started to save for that, and than my mind kept playing the guilt card for not visiting my family in Colorado. Well one day I realized hey it would be indeed a lot cheaper to go visit my family in Colorado for a full week being that I'd be staying with my Dad and Brother. So I decided to add it to the list for August of next year for a full week Sunday-Saturday.

Amongst all these traveling plans I knew I needed to start to lose this extra weight I have on my body. I knew from the last time I flew when I weighed about 70-80lbs lighter than I am now I had a hard time getting the seat belt to fit across my lap and buckle and the seat its self was pretty tight. There is no way it would work right now, and while I have a good head start with losing 10-20 lbs. so far I have not taken the means to lose the weight like I should/could have and while I could blame a current cold I have you know what road that leads me down (if you have read past entries) I don't tend to get better once the cold is over I tend to find another one. Hazards of working with kids I guess.

I need to lose the weight I have gained since my last plane trip, plus a bit more just to insure that I wont have to be charged for say another seat or a seatbelt extender. (SCARY THOUGHT!) I'm not gonna go on and on about how much I need/want to lose before Boston in May or even my plans at this point because I have played with that whole scenario many times and never stuck to anything as of yet. I know I need to, as the saying goes bit the bullet and just do the stuff I know works (from pass weight loss) to lose the weight not just for my traveling but for my health.

My weight is no longer an issue for me for accepting myself as someone who is worthy of everything anyone else is worthy of. I always thought all I need to do was lose weight and I'd have more acceptance I'd get more attention (mostly from guys) but than my logical side would bring out the sass in me and go fuck them if that's what gets you more attention. I always played the double edge sword in the whole weight loss thing, wait to find someone who truly loves me despite my size or always wonder if/ when I find someone after.

I have stuck sort of with my sassy self in the fuck them opinion only in that I know most of my issues with food and self esteem have been fueled but outside sources that have claimed my body to be wrong, my personality to be not normal because I get the label "not your average girl" faster than I can blink sometimes. I take pride in that as much as I go "does that mean there is something not normal or wrong with me?" And I'm slowly learning or at least accepting the fact that no there is nothing wrong with me. Nothing wrong with any of us physically or mentally, we are who we are and we should be able to be who we are regardless if someone agrees or disagrees with it.

I spent so much time trying to "belong" I forgot that perhaps being who I was all along instead of trying to relate to everyone and be like everyone was enough.

I'm not saying this road has been an enlighten piece of cake, I have my days where I route back to my old ways and get stuck in my head again listening to that stuff that my brain has been wired to over the years to believe is true and important when its just noise that my brain is making out of habit.

Slowly each day I learn to trust a feeling of absolutely happiness or peace I get inside myself when my heart finds things that are the most important to me, and instead of questioning them to the point of what will people thing of me if I do this or that or what kind of person does that make me to so-and-so think I am. I learn there is a reason I feel what I feel in my heart for these things; they matter.

I got this quote on a Starbucks coffee the other day its says: "Know what sparks the light in you, Then use that light to illuminate the world." -Oprah

If you listen your heart/mind  (your soul) will show you or tell you what sparks that light and it feels amazing. I've learnt when I got to do a demonstration for a coworkers school group that I was doing for the public doing shows that day that I miss working with the kids (summer means less and less groups, and with new people in our area they are getting priority for experience before the school year really starts) there is something more to my life when I get to interact with them, when I get to teach them something whether or not it leaves an impact forever its something that in that instant leaves a mark and hopefully leads to something more for them. And as much as I say who am I to make an impression on anyone to be anything or to impact their life in some dramatic way, who knows? (Anything is possible.)

I digress, any even I do know I really, really want to get back to school to become an elementary school teacher. I had the idea of being a teacher since I can remember. I was the kid the first day I was sick and couldn't go to school I cried and threw a fit (my brother thought I was crazy) and would teach my stuff animals or read to them from my books showing them the pictures like story time in school. I think just life in general you get these ideas in your head that sometimes lead you astray and all the while I know there is so much more to life that I wanna do, I know that teaching is something I can really do well and hopefully inspire a child some how or help them toward their dreams. (My mind keeps saying who are you to say you can do these things, who are you to say you can impact a child's life any way... I need to work on this.)

There is also something else I keep thinking back to especially with this whole ALS ice bucket challenge thing going on right now, I donated and will be doing the challenge to support people with ALS more than to challenge anyone tomorrow. Though my mind goes you do these things, you donate and you care but what about some of the stuff you say your too scared to do for someone. Like I have donated blood just in general at blood drives and also once while a little girl was having a heart operation and needed my blood type to help. I felt and still feel the basic need to do this, like its not an opinion its a human need to do these things, like the AIDs walk I did back in 2006. I feel like in a way I have a duty to help my fellow people where I can to stand up for them to help battle things they are going through with them. But I also feel like a fool for some reason when I think this stuff or say these things. Don't ask me why perhaps its my self esteem getting to me again and my self worth needing to be improved upon and that takes time.

Though I go back and forth on one whole thing there is something called the bone marrow registry where you can sign up and get bone marrow taken out and put into a data base that if it matches someone in need you can donate your own marrow to help someone who needs to help beat cancer. All I imagine in that is a life, I could help live a little longer in this short little time frame we all get and what's more powerful or better than that.

I'm not about to be someone who goes "HEY LOOK WHAT I DID I SAVED A LIFE." -no- I just wanna help a person (People) live the fullest best life they can have.

Though the bone marrow thing scares me, because its painful by people who've done it (they are digging into your bone for your marrow) but for some reason I feel like I should. I mean I checked that organ donor card on my license without a second thought when I got my permit and was filling out the paper work. I mean I'm of the opinion that hey once I'm gone why not give my organs to someone who needs/can use them to live their life. I guess its easier to say something like that knowing you won't be around for the chopping (so morbid).  Though that's also when I look at myself in the mirror and see the state my body is in and probably my organs as well and know I'm in no shape for anything to be worth saving someone in the long run, another check for the get healthy campaign I guess.

I kept telling myself not to write any of this stuff, again my brain saying who am I do these things to believe these things to say I'm worth helping someone else live there life. (I'm becoming a sap as I type crying like a loon) I just don't see anything better than to teach and help try to inspire our youth for a better world but also help those in need (sometimes even young kids) to live a full life. And have my own grand life hopefully where I can inspire my own kids/family.

I feel so silly writing all this and crying about it all, I'm just one person but this one person feels everyone should get a fair shot at an awesome life and I keep need to remind myself I'm included in that puzzle too.