It's been too long...Scrambled Brain Thoughts at best.

It's been way too long since my last entry, its hard to even decide where I want to write about. I had an idea earlier this week and than stuff happened tonight that kinda changed my focus. Shall I try to address everything?

Over the last oh three months (again way too long) since I wrote last, a lot has been happening at work mostly as a whole company than myself and my job itself.

Our new location further north of where I live opened up this month about two weeks ago now I'd say, and I have yet to go up there. (I might have a shift up there in Dec. it seems: more on that next post)

But a lot of new people have come as old have moved up to that new location and while its different its not too much of a change as I thought it would be. Which is a good thing, because I seriously was scared of that as everything drew closer to change.

One major thing that did happen at the end of October was one of my co-workers did pass away unexpectedly right before Halloween. I had talked to him on a Monday and never got to see him again. I still think about him almost every day at work: its hard not to when people have posted his memorial program in different locations around the office with his smiling face for everyone to see. While its nice to see some days I wish they'd leave it to just one location instead of so many, because it does make you smile it also reminds you that he is gone. He was a great guy and I'll never forget him ever.

As we get closer to the holiday season I'm getting excited for the weather to finally cool down but this year it seems that as much as I'm excited for this seasons stuff, I'm also more bummed out about it. Knowing I won't see family till September next year, and good luck on seeing snow fall anytime soon. Yup I'm still stuck on that one. Its a major factor in making the holidays truly feel like the holidays in my book.

Reason I think why earlier this evening when looking at places I wanted to go check out while in Boston I looked at the employment section of a museum I wanted to go to and realized a position that I have had a lot of coworkers tell me to apply for next go around at my center is hiring and well its better, its full time and it also has benefits. But before I applied I talked with my mom and than still went on my own apartment hunting spree online for a good two -three hours. Realizing that even if I did make enough, no apartment was gonna take Stanley with his Rottweiler mix. We lucked out in getting the apartments we are in now, when the management was a little different. If we were looking now, he'd probably be going to Colorado (my dad had said he'd take him if we couldn't find a place that would take him) but I know that if that was where he was going, I'd follow.

I can't leave him without me, it would be different if he got to stay with mom over a full new place like my Dad's but still. I couldn't do that to him, and I'd miss him too much, plus the more I think about it while Boston would be nice the seasons and for the change. Going there to "LIVE" without actually being there first is a stupid move. So I'm sticking with my trip in May and saving for Colorado in September while I save for schooling for the start of 2016. I figure moving out of state be it back to my home town or even to somewhere in Massachusetts is something too far in the future to even think about right now.  I got live in the present, and make my way toward living on my own and having the means to do that.

For some reason, I feel like in my life that is one major Bucket List time thing. I need to live on my own means, without a room mate for at least a year, if not longer. Before I  move in with someone else. Just to say I've done it.

I have my issues with school whenever I start to think about it thought, my mind sometimes gets stuck in this be all to end all programming and I forget that my path in life isn't just a line of space that goes from life to death, its this vast open thing that anything can happen in if you put the time and effort into it and have the patience to make it work out taking steps every day towards it.

Speaking of every day life, you see without much thought besides just doing it I have completed three weeks of going to the gym 2-3 (last week 4) times a week (including a tread run or two). This seems small but it has also gotten me down to 23lbs lost from my highest weight.

My mind goes that's till 11 lbs. from where you started last time, and that's when I say so what I cant think like that. This is now and I got to think for now not than, not later, this moment where I'm at.

As much of an issue as my sciatic has given me since I managed to pinch it last month, it also helps as a reminder that for it to let me live my life with minimum to no pain I need to get my ass moving every couple days. So its a pain in my side, to work out. Nice huh? LMAO.

To be honest with you I have no goal for New Years or for the next year besides trying my best to be 50 lbs. down by May for that darn plane seat. Meaning I want to be another 30lbs gone by than. I can do this, I will do this. I got this.

I have also in all of these three weeks gone through a lot of realizations with body image about how my mind still was thinking no man will like me at this weight or perhaps even at a lower weight, or what have you. That I wont be enough till I look like one of those models, or at my goal weight. But I have taken into the fact that if a friend told me this, if my daughter or son told me this I would be shocked. If the person I loved and wanted to get married to told me they thought I thought they weren't enough because of this, I would tell them yes they were enough because your weight is not who you are. Its part of you yes, but your person is who I fell for.

Sure I have my attractions to certain aspects of the male form more than others but if the inside don't match I seriously don't think I could deal. I need that mental connection not just the physical one. Being that I've never had just a physical connection with anyone. I need that mental attraction before I can ever think physical, why a lot of the time when I look back at photos of guys I had serious crushes on in high school or younger its not what you'd expect. But hell what you'd expect is just as bad as saying your weight determines your worth for person to love you and ugh. If I think its wrong to have other people thing that of themselves I need to realize I'm worthy of love to regardless of my weight. The connection I have with someone might be different depending on my size true but it doesn't decrease my worth of having that connection at all. This is something I struggle with, a lot this month.

But something that helped me for sure was realizing when it comes to a guy finding me attractive, its not my problem. He will or wont regardless of how I feel about it, its when we both feel it that we pursue it. Because I also don't believe in the friend zone either because neither gender owes anything like that that to anyone else, sexual or friendship wise or anything. Sure we owe to everyone to be decent human beings to one other, but that is that. Anything else that grows from that needs to be pure and honest and grow of its own accord not forced or manipulated but playing into someone's likes or dislikes told to you by an outside source because that isn't being honest, and you need that in any type of relationship with anyone. You can't want what the heart doesn't want, nor can you honestly give it. Plus why would anyone want fake or forced feelings or love? That's just me.


Edit: Nov 25: Cancelled my Trip to Boston for a week in January in Colorado to see family. More on it all next entry (which will before end of the year).

A Scattered Mess, that I hope makes sense (life update) ...

Blame my shitty immune system or the fact that I work with kids which are like little petri dishes of germs, but I have been sick since probably the second week of August. I think I've had 2-3 colds in that length of time that have blended together and while the last two I know there are different I'm not sure if the first one was just super long or two put together that I never saw the end of the first one.

Not that they have really dragged me down to much day to day besides being just tired a lot easier and well the new addition to it all my dry scratchy throat that makes me sound like one of those old ladies who smoked for 30 years of her life and is all raspy and coughs when she talks for too long. Sounds beautiful, right?

I keep telling myself to go to the doctor, and they I say nah its not that bad! So I say to myself than start getting your ass to the gym, but I feel like shit.... And this is how the last month or so has gone.

I feel like such a whiny bitch lately but I know all the things I need to do I just "don't do them" and complain later and its a habit that is hard to break once you have found yourself in it.

I know I'm not doing myself any favors by not doing anything to help my immune system in the long run with exercise or hell even eating more veggies and fruits over some of the fast food and process crap I've decide to eat as of lately. My mind plays the I'd really like this but I should get this, and it goes back ad forth till I go yeah I can get that any time (healthier option) lets go for the other. Thing is I could get either any time, but in the end which is gonna benefit me?

It's a never ending battle of thinking of things I know I need to do and not following through and besides the factor that I need to do it and lose what I can before May next year just to fit in the seat on the plane for Boston. I need to also start doing it because of the fact that my immune system and well my body isn't getting any younger and I've noticed that the less I take care of it, the more I feel it slowly falling apart on me. Not to say that I'm "SO OLD" because I'm not believe you me, I know this but I also know that if I don't start something now there wont be anything to keep later.

My mind goes to my grandmother (Dad's Mom) and how she had issues with getting older and when she told me not to get old and I laughed thinking she was joking she looked me square in the face and said, "I'm not joking it sucks." Truth is she was right, if you don't use it you lose it and well I need to start using it or at least protecting it in the best way possible. I'm not for some goal weight any more, though I know a range I'd like to be in. It's more about feeling my best and being my best and living my best life.

It all comes down to how I take care of myself for my future no matter what does, or doesn't happen. Either way I'll have to deal with it; both good and bad. 

Lately with seeing kids at work or just certain friends and family members little ones I get baby fever and its got to the point where I said "OUTLOUD" to myself today during work "Can I just find a guy who wants to have a kid(s) with me," and I was for one glad no one heard me but also laughed a little to myself because my brain went your not ready to have kids you can't even take care of yourself fully without your mom's help. And while that's true I don't think your every really "ready" for kids till you have them and even than as my Dad told me about my brother and I "They (We) don't (didn't) come with instructions."

A lot of my opinions of how I want a relationship has changed recently and a lot of things I'm still set on, a big thing has been the money aspect of it all. I think that came from how much of an issue it does cause and has caused in relationships I've known or been apart of (family wise) and I still have my issues to work and I guess that is something I need to talk to my future partner with about it all and come to a compromise perhaps of how it all worked out. I wanted it to be two incomes and share the kids only as a joint account so to speak but keep the accounts mostly separate, now I'm not so sure about that. For one I know at least for my first kid, I'd like the ability to stay at home with them till the start school (kindergarten) perhaps even all of my kids depending.

I want them to have the ability to try anything and everything in life from learning a sport to a instrument to have some sort of a start towards college. I know how hard it is, I'm sitting here thinking about college too, and it makes my brain hurt. I know that either I or my future husband will have to make enough or at least one of us will to do this. And as much as I like that idea I for some reason know in the back of my mind right now single handedly (because no one else to talk this out with relationship wise for where they stand) feel like him being the sole bread winner might frustrate me or irritate me a bit. It's an issue that I know comes from being without money and knowing while it doesn't bring happiness in the grand scheme of it all it does help with the stability and the stresses of life.

Plus, I hate feeling stuck and that for some reason makes me feel stuck like I'm depending on him which I guess in relationship you do, but my brain cant work out how to explain why I feel this way or how to change it so for now I accept what is till someone can help me see it differently.

Schooling as I mentioned about (College) has also been on my mind, I know for the most point right now I wanna go back to school once I do my Boston and Colorado Trips next year. So possible starting in the Summer/Fall of 2016. I wanna work towards being a Teacher and also do some language studies as well as art, music and writing classes as well.

I spent so much of my life looking for who to be, and asking everyone who I should be I put off a lot of things I could have done when I had graduated high school almost 10 years ago. (Which is will be once I start school again) Though I don't think my mind set would still be the same if I didn't take the steps I did, I wouldn't be working where I work now if that were the case and I don't think if I knew that I would like that. I love my job it helped show me once I got over my nerves of public/speech speaking and stage fright how wonderful teaching really is. How much joy I get when I'm teaching or interacting with the kids I see at work every day esp. when I get to do field trips. Yes there are things about my job that drive me nuts but the kids oh they make it so worth wild.

My mind is scatter brained at best these days as you can tell, I however know a path or at least a direction of where I wanna go and what I need to start to do to get there. Which as scattered and day dreamy as my mind can get says a great deal.

Who Am I to Say these things, To believe in these things I do.....

Not a lot has changed really in the last couple months, I have made some decisions in my life and a lot of the time when I contemplate even trying to explain myself or my reasoning's for things I feel like I'm being a whiny bitch.

I have decided next year is gonna be a year of travel for me, at least more than usual, which say not a lot since I haven't left this state since 2008. I'm currently saving for a trip to Boston in May for just 3 days, leaving late on a Monday night and arriving there early morning Tuesday and stay till Thursday Night. Coming home in time to sleep some before work the following Friday.

Boston has been a place I have wanted to visit for a while, and for sometime I was trying to figure out who I wanted to go with me on this trip and how we would split the travel plans and etc. The thing was Boston was on my list of places to see because I thought of one day moving there to live, maybe not forever but at least as some place new. Though I knew I needed to go there and visit first to be sure of this, I mean its a literal move across the country.  One day I thought why do I need to have someone come with me, I'm 26 years old (will be turning 27 during my time in Mass.) its not like I need a babysitter or a chaperone of some type. I'm an adult, or at least most days pretend to be so, I went to the math calculations of what it would cost to disappear in a sense for a week in Boston. I couldn't afford it so I as sad as I was, I moved on and started to focus on the possibilities of that position at work I applied for a few months ago coming back around, because they always want to add new people to that department and people come and go as well.

Well I wasn't feeling it, I wasn't into really wanting that position anymore. Also when my manager brought up possibly helping out in our LA location (to a lot of us in a meeting) that we are opening in November I thought ok maybe that will be something I can go for. Though in the back of my head I really kept thinking of Boston. I couldn't get it out of my head, and I started to question why it was so important to me to get away especially there. Why not say Colorado? I had family there I haven't seen since 2008.

Thinking long and hard about it, I realized I need a change of perspective a place where I don't  have any connects to just decompress for "real"  to get out my head and all the notions of what I was or who I am even in my own head. I have spent the last 15 years here in California and I feel I have been jaded by that. Not to say being jaded is a bad thing, I have been effected by my time here as much as I have my time in Colorado I spent the first 11 years of my life there and it shaped me as well.

I had to start my calculations again, I knew I couldn't afford a full week but perhaps I could afford a couple days out there maybe just three. (The arrive early morning idea came when trying to price flights and I was able to see I could get more of a full day that way) I realized that I could probably afford as long as I saved as much as I could around things I had to do "Bills and etc. " and as long as I was making a certain amount per check it was indeed possible, probably tight as I saved and paid for things to make sure I purchased the plane ticket/hotel and etc. in enough time advancement.

So I have officially started to save for that, and than my mind kept playing the guilt card for not visiting my family in Colorado. Well one day I realized hey it would be indeed a lot cheaper to go visit my family in Colorado for a full week being that I'd be staying with my Dad and Brother. So I decided to add it to the list for August of next year for a full week Sunday-Saturday.

Amongst all these traveling plans I knew I needed to start to lose this extra weight I have on my body. I knew from the last time I flew when I weighed about 70-80lbs lighter than I am now I had a hard time getting the seat belt to fit across my lap and buckle and the seat its self was pretty tight. There is no way it would work right now, and while I have a good head start with losing 10-20 lbs. so far I have not taken the means to lose the weight like I should/could have and while I could blame a current cold I have you know what road that leads me down (if you have read past entries) I don't tend to get better once the cold is over I tend to find another one. Hazards of working with kids I guess.

I need to lose the weight I have gained since my last plane trip, plus a bit more just to insure that I wont have to be charged for say another seat or a seatbelt extender. (SCARY THOUGHT!) I'm not gonna go on and on about how much I need/want to lose before Boston in May or even my plans at this point because I have played with that whole scenario many times and never stuck to anything as of yet. I know I need to, as the saying goes bit the bullet and just do the stuff I know works (from pass weight loss) to lose the weight not just for my traveling but for my health.

My weight is no longer an issue for me for accepting myself as someone who is worthy of everything anyone else is worthy of. I always thought all I need to do was lose weight and I'd have more acceptance I'd get more attention (mostly from guys) but than my logical side would bring out the sass in me and go fuck them if that's what gets you more attention. I always played the double edge sword in the whole weight loss thing, wait to find someone who truly loves me despite my size or always wonder if/ when I find someone after.

I have stuck sort of with my sassy self in the fuck them opinion only in that I know most of my issues with food and self esteem have been fueled but outside sources that have claimed my body to be wrong, my personality to be not normal because I get the label "not your average girl" faster than I can blink sometimes. I take pride in that as much as I go "does that mean there is something not normal or wrong with me?" And I'm slowly learning or at least accepting the fact that no there is nothing wrong with me. Nothing wrong with any of us physically or mentally, we are who we are and we should be able to be who we are regardless if someone agrees or disagrees with it.

I spent so much time trying to "belong" I forgot that perhaps being who I was all along instead of trying to relate to everyone and be like everyone was enough.

I'm not saying this road has been an enlighten piece of cake, I have my days where I route back to my old ways and get stuck in my head again listening to that stuff that my brain has been wired to over the years to believe is true and important when its just noise that my brain is making out of habit.

Slowly each day I learn to trust a feeling of absolutely happiness or peace I get inside myself when my heart finds things that are the most important to me, and instead of questioning them to the point of what will people thing of me if I do this or that or what kind of person does that make me to so-and-so think I am. I learn there is a reason I feel what I feel in my heart for these things; they matter.

I got this quote on a Starbucks coffee the other day its says: "Know what sparks the light in you, Then use that light to illuminate the world." -Oprah

If you listen your heart/mind  (your soul) will show you or tell you what sparks that light and it feels amazing. I've learnt when I got to do a demonstration for a coworkers school group that I was doing for the public doing shows that day that I miss working with the kids (summer means less and less groups, and with new people in our area they are getting priority for experience before the school year really starts) there is something more to my life when I get to interact with them, when I get to teach them something whether or not it leaves an impact forever its something that in that instant leaves a mark and hopefully leads to something more for them. And as much as I say who am I to make an impression on anyone to be anything or to impact their life in some dramatic way, who knows? (Anything is possible.)

I digress, any even I do know I really, really want to get back to school to become an elementary school teacher. I had the idea of being a teacher since I can remember. I was the kid the first day I was sick and couldn't go to school I cried and threw a fit (my brother thought I was crazy) and would teach my stuff animals or read to them from my books showing them the pictures like story time in school. I think just life in general you get these ideas in your head that sometimes lead you astray and all the while I know there is so much more to life that I wanna do, I know that teaching is something I can really do well and hopefully inspire a child some how or help them toward their dreams. (My mind keeps saying who are you to say you can do these things, who are you to say you can impact a child's life any way... I need to work on this.)

There is also something else I keep thinking back to especially with this whole ALS ice bucket challenge thing going on right now, I donated and will be doing the challenge to support people with ALS more than to challenge anyone tomorrow. Though my mind goes you do these things, you donate and you care but what about some of the stuff you say your too scared to do for someone. Like I have donated blood just in general at blood drives and also once while a little girl was having a heart operation and needed my blood type to help. I felt and still feel the basic need to do this, like its not an opinion its a human need to do these things, like the AIDs walk I did back in 2006. I feel like in a way I have a duty to help my fellow people where I can to stand up for them to help battle things they are going through with them. But I also feel like a fool for some reason when I think this stuff or say these things. Don't ask me why perhaps its my self esteem getting to me again and my self worth needing to be improved upon and that takes time.

Though I go back and forth on one whole thing there is something called the bone marrow registry where you can sign up and get bone marrow taken out and put into a data base that if it matches someone in need you can donate your own marrow to help someone who needs to help beat cancer. All I imagine in that is a life, I could help live a little longer in this short little time frame we all get and what's more powerful or better than that.

I'm not about to be someone who goes "HEY LOOK WHAT I DID I SAVED A LIFE." -no- I just wanna help a person (People) live the fullest best life they can have.

Though the bone marrow thing scares me, because its painful by people who've done it (they are digging into your bone for your marrow) but for some reason I feel like I should. I mean I checked that organ donor card on my license without a second thought when I got my permit and was filling out the paper work. I mean I'm of the opinion that hey once I'm gone why not give my organs to someone who needs/can use them to live their life. I guess its easier to say something like that knowing you won't be around for the chopping (so morbid).  Though that's also when I look at myself in the mirror and see the state my body is in and probably my organs as well and know I'm in no shape for anything to be worth saving someone in the long run, another check for the get healthy campaign I guess.

I kept telling myself not to write any of this stuff, again my brain saying who am I do these things to believe these things to say I'm worth helping someone else live there life. (I'm becoming a sap as I type crying like a loon) I just don't see anything better than to teach and help try to inspire our youth for a better world but also help those in need (sometimes even young kids) to live a full life. And have my own grand life hopefully where I can inspire my own kids/family.

I feel so silly writing all this and crying about it all, I'm just one person but this one person feels everyone should get a fair shot at an awesome life and I keep need to remind myself I'm included in that puzzle too.

Of This I'm Sure..

 

I have spent so much of my life doing this, things to happen or and how they'd unfold or going through the past and saying how things could have been different, though they'll never be.

At times I get so lost in these thoughts that I forget about current life and everything going on around me, only letting myself focus at the task at hand till I can go back in to my own mind, and in a sense day dream my life away.


I have spent a lot of time in my head wondering how things should be in my life and how the next steps in my life should go, and than I realize something when I'm so busy in my head planning the what if's the could be's  what happens to now? This is all you have right now, the moment were in. When the future comes we only know it as now, sure its great to have some goals and some direction in life but to forget about everything you can be grateful for right now, to not enjoy the moment your in right now... what's the point. You'll always wanting to be somewhere else, five steps ahead with no where to walk because its not there yet. That's why we trip up and get negative and caught up in the what they heck will I do! We start to try to make a future that isn't even likely happen in an instant, instead of joying the life that we have right now.

I've written a lot in here about what I want my life to be, who I wanna be. Though in the back of my head or in my soul I know that in a way I already know who I am, sure I haven't experienced a lot of things in life but that only molds you in a small way on the grand scheme of things. What I know is that I'm a good person, I wear my heart on my sleeve, I like to think I'm compassionate in the things and people I care for, more so then my own self at times. I'm goofy and at times immature (as mom would say  "That is so un-lady like") though I'm smart and would love to have a deep conversation on my views about the world, religion and etc. with I hope anyone (both of us open minded).. I love to understand where people are coming from, on anything or hearing stories of peoples life.

 

 

Reading through a few entries from when I first started writing in this blog 4 years ago has made me realize a lot of these things have changed and I have so grown as a person in the pass 4 years as well. I know I still have my demons as every one has and I know I will continue to have my bad days with my self esteem and etc. as well as my good ones. Though when I look past just me, when I look out into this world my mind boggles at the idea of how I sometimes get so stuck in thoughts I make for myself that my day, my month, year and that my life is going so bad. When its actually pretty damn good, and then I also realize why I hide in my own world sometimes when I see how others have it, and it makes my heart ache esp. when I know at this point in my life I can't do much to help some.

 

I've learned lately in that I just need to as Elsa says "LET GO!!" haha but its true. Let go of expectations that more then anything I've put on myself just for the sake of getting by, when there need not be one. I'm tired in playing into the games of playing it small of being afraid of what someone might say or not think about me. I cant stop anyone from doing such, just like I can't stop you the reader having comments in your head about this post. Unless I just completely block everyone out and write it just for myself, but that still proves my point.

What makes this world unique is the fact that there are so many different beliefs and people and opinions and colors and just its magical when you think about it.

How boring would life be if we all had the same thoughts the same views the same looks, blah!

I have wrote one or two of these in the past and I know some of these things might be on repeat but i think its time to bring in another, things I know for sure.... 

I have never felt more myself more confident in who I am then I have at this moment, this isn't to say that come tomorrow I wont have what is called an "ugly day" or have moments where I'm at a lost because that is human nature. Also not to say that in 3-5 years time or even shorter then that, when I read through this I feel like right now compared to then I had no clue.

Most days at least lately I haven't felt the need to eat just for the sake of eating, I actually find it harder to make up my mind on what I wanna eat most days and at times forget to eat till my stomach growls in reminder. That isn't to say that I don't want to get back to the gym and focus on losing the extra weight I have gained, but that isn't a thing of I need to do it to feel more myself its more of I need to actually function daily to go about my day with more gusto than I can right now because physically I just can't. There are times I feel the need to be moving around like crazy when say interacting with a  school group on stage or playing with Stanley and then I have to tone it down because I lose my breath lose my step etc. I want this to better my abilities not to make me more complete.

 

 

My weight is my weight, not who I am. My size in pants is my pants size not what type of person I am. I want to be healthy not a certain size, weight or what have you. And yes while I'm confident in the person I am I want to be confident in the body that I have. In that I want to feel secure in myself physically but not in a number or size but in how I feel each day good or bad and adjust accordingly. I know I get antsy moments and ya know, that's my body saying hey I'm not done with the day yet lets do something lets get up and move.

 

I know I want a balance life of eating well and eating what I want, but also having the ability to do things like run around with my future kids. Hell be able to carry my future kids. Yes, I have come back to the wanting kids path, and I really don't think I ever left it. I just felt so scared of it of knowing once I end up having kids once I find that guy to be father to my future babies there is no going back to the life I had prior to kids, once their there. But to know you have to raise them and shape them and it never ends, even once you get to my age and older I'm sure because I know my mom is still teaching me things and still helping me grow even now that I'm an adult. That just total intimate connect got the best of me, especially when I've never had a date let alone a connection more then a friendship with a guy to know how it all works. I figured I'd be a single lady the rest of my life a crazy cat lady so to speak, but no cats.. dogs. LMAO.

 

I believe it will happen one day, maybe not anytime soon but I'm ok with that. I'm not quite at the point in my life to have that all happen yet, but there is no time line for me to have that. I know I'd love it to happen within the next ten years or so because of physical reasons it just gets harder to conceive the older we get. But as I know looking back on entries in just 4 years so much can change and so a total world shift could happen in the next ten, and I really, really look forward to that and in a way I'd love to know my future and know what's all in store for it. Though, why take the magic out of the life that has yet to come, focus on my life now and make it so great that when that time comes I got stories to tell. 

 

 

 

I want a marriage, I want a family that comes together at the holidays (or weekends) with all the good stuff of the cold ass winters, the leaves changing in the fall and the summers that are still hot as hell but in the end the memories the connections we create make the life that I want the peace of having that means more then winning the lottery. I love my family I do but we are so disconnected in life now, my mom and I here in California, my dad and brother with my dads side of the family in Colorado and my mom's side (what's left) in Missouri. I want a big family get together like I use to have when I was kid at Christmas, yes it was just my dad's side of the family but those are the memories I remember best and I miss those and I think that beside the factor that the weather pulls me out of the season more then a lot of things the main culprit is the who missing family experience. So I wanna create that again, with the one I make even if that means its more my husbands family then mine I wouldn't mind. (I'm blabbering here with a smile on my face)

 

 

 

Though to step back a few years because this wont be for a few to come, besides getting into shape to help me do the things I want/need to do in my life (like said things above) I also know that I wanna go back to school, maybe just to focus on a few topics learn some languages and perhaps get a degree or not. I wanna move out on my own and live by myself for at least a year before I do all said things as mentioned above.(Kids and Family Part) Part of me wants to do this in a place that is all new, ya know move to a totally different state with only a job and a place to call home every day and build a life there or try to. Away from a lot of things, not to say I'm trying to run away from things in my life as of now, I just know it would be good for me to focus on building a life that only I have to answer for.

 

I wanna to write more and perhaps one day publish a book, all those day dreams I mentioned before they can be put good use when I actually think of a story to write about instead of my own life made into a soap opera in my head at night before I go to bed. I wanna learn languages at least the moment relearn Spanish enough to use it, and also sign language. I wanna draw more, perhaps one day make a children book(s) I don't wanna cage myself to one thing the rest of my life, there is one line in a movie once that rubbed me the wrong way the mother told her daughter, "This is your life, don't get creative."

Isn't that what your life is for? To get creative to make mistakes to fall in love, to dream and inspire the world around you to be a better place. To help others when in need just because they are in need.

I want all this, to slowly start to unfold in my life. To start to test the waters so to speak.

 

 In that same token I want to be a little be more adventurist in the things I do, to not skip out on the life I've already made for myself here see where that can take me while I live it and explore and learn create, new experiences and through friendships I have made here as well, . Meaning the whole get up go to work come home and walk Stanley and be done with the day need to change up if the opportunity arises that I can mix it up a bit why not. Life is meant to be lived, not spent waiting on the moment for it all to start because if you keep waiting for that convenient moment for your life to begin I'm afraid you've already missed it.

Thanks for reading.. esp. if you made it this far. Dang I wrote a novel (what happens when you don't write for almost two months)

 

 



It is What it Is.....

I have so much going on in this noggin that what I wanna say (esp. for waiting so long to write) will come out in a jumbled mess, so bare with my scatterbrained ness for this post please... because it is what it is...

In the past three weeks I've worked 35-40 hours each week and while that may seem normal, my normal is 40 for every two. I'm not quite sure how people do it, but it happens. Though I don't think I could do it all the time and then also have a "real" life outside of work. I guess in a way I'm seeing lately how much time I have been wasting really. How I was always putting things (life) off till another day and then complaining about being tired and being behind in doing things. Like you don't wanna see the state of my bedroom/bathroom right now which I usually keep in pretty good condition lol.

I've also been having more days of I need to find something different for work wise when it gets crazy but it seems when I can remove myself from the situation or I'm at home for the evening or on the rare day off I've been getting during our busy time I go back to loving my job a little more and remembering that every place you go will have points of it that you may not like and wish could change but really, I love most of what I do day-to-day. Yes there are moments that true, but isn't that with everyone/thing?

(side note: I never mentioned but I did not get the promotion I had mention in my last post they said they'd love for me to apply again next time.. still on the fence if that will happen.)

The craziness of life aside I have really started to seeing myself physically and get turned off by it in a sense and realize when I have inside comments to myself when I see  people of a bigger size I'm not judging them, I'm judging the size because I can relate to it because for me the size I am my weight I'm at is not a thing I'm comfortable with at all, and I could see myself become bigger if I don't change something and I wanna change. I hate to compare myself to anyone because that leads down a dangerous road but I'd love to be active and fit like Jessica Biel always have in a way. More in her earlier years like right after 7th Heaven, like Texas Chainsaw Massacre or Blade Trinity days. 

I miss the energy I had the ability to be on my feet no matter the shoes and while they would ache I wouldn't feel like a old women walking around my home afterwards just to go use the restroom after laying on the couch to rest. Also I need to get over using the elevator at work every time to go up stairs just because I hate being winded like I am so easily going up them, that will only change with going up them and losing weight. I miss being able to do stairs without issue.

Once this crazy work time is over and my mind can adjust (last week April/first of may) I'm gonna get back to the gym and use my time more wisely and eat better. Grand thing about working the long hours by the time I get off lately its time to come home and have dinner and so I have no excuse to go out and get something on the way home so I have been saving money. Since when I get off in the afternoon hours I have a tendency to pick up lunch instead of just making it and eating it on the way to the gym or something.

In my thoughts about the future things have changed a bit mostly about kids and all that jazz but nothing to write about at this moment since I've never even been on a date let alone been some one's girlfriend.

I have to keep reminding myself in all this chaos that is life right now that days go by and things get better and that the only way I have a bad day is if I let things I cant control that go wrong ruin it. Things that can be dealt with and let go should be so I can enjoy the day not stressing till I'm red in the face with frustration and teary eyed with being upset over a situation that really doesn't need that much of my energy anyways.

Life is what you make it... and I'm gonna start making it grand.

Life Update

I've had so many blog ideas roaming in my head as of late that I just never got around to posting anything... but I figure I'd do a little life update since at the moment I cant quite get all my thoughts together for a grand post of one of those roaming ideas I mentioned.

So it's almost the end of February and life has been a little crazy and a little eh these last month(s) since I posted.. I think I posted like 2nd day of January so I'll included it too.

Last I wrote I was getting better, at going to the gym and I had a tiny meltdown of sorts in the food related category but soon after that things went a little haywire. You see some how I sat wrong on my hip and either flared up an old injury or just pinched a nerve but for the rest of that night it hurt to get up or sit down or bend over in anyway and work wasn't all that grand either but gratefully my shifts were all where I got to sit down till that healed up.

Once I was starting to think I could start getting back to the gym again a week or so later one Sunday morning I woke up at 2am with an upset stomach and tossed and turned for an hour before everything that was still in my stomach wanted out. And it just would not quit being queasy so I had to finally make my first call out of work, sick call ever in the little over two years I had been there. I called at 9am for a 1pm shift because I knew there was no way I could do the shift if I couldn't keep anything down and I had a slight fever as well. It took a couple days for me to eat normally after that because my stomach would just get so queasy with the tiniest amount of food in it.

About maybe a week and half later I ended up catching a head cold that by two weeks after my stomach issue I just could not talking without my throat killing me, so instead of going into work and doing a horrible job and perhaps infecting the field trip group I had that day, I had to call out again and went to the doctor to make sure that I didn't have strep throat. I ended up getting some antibiotics that because they had sulfur in them I had the gnarly acid reflex/ acid burps if I didn't take them in the middle of food... hurt so bad.  Though I've been done with them for about a week now I still have a slight cough/phlegm issue from the cold but feeling much more better and like myself then I have in a while for most of the last two months.

I need to start getting back in the gym and eating better (wont say how many times I've had fast food this week already- just leave it at too many) and losing weight. On the plus side with being sick I did lose 11 lbs. but I gained 2-3lbs back over my bad eating the last couple days. I also need to do a little cleaning/ reorganization doing in my apartment since it's lacked besides the real important stuff while I've not been at my best.

Last but not least I feel more secure in my job again because I get the feeling that while I still have a good three weeks at this rate till all my past written ups (the last one anyways) go away I did apply and get an interview for a different (higher up) position at work and if they felt I still needed to work on things and or that I wasn't clear enough on my record I wouldn't even have gotten the interview. Which says A LOT. ( I should know by the first of the month of the outcome of said interview.)

 I'm taking each day moment by moment there, its hard some days when you may not want to say do what your scheduled to do or the day isn't going how you want it. But as long as you don't let it effect you in a negative way it turns out pretty good.

Focus on the positives in life to get you through.

Well that's all I got for now, but I promise a more grand idea floating around my head type of post next time.

Thanks again for reading.

Twenty-Fourteen

Happy 2014 to everyone who reads this, its been officially two days (almost into the 3rd) of this year and I'm kinda on the fence about this year already. The first was alright, I got to sleep in being off from work and I made it to the gym and got a work out in. Nothing to fancy but it was a step in the right direction being that one of my resolutions or goals so to speak for this year is to lost 80lbs.

Well today was kinda  nose dive of a day, it started off alright minus having to get up and be at work at 8:45 this morning, I'll never be happy waking up before 8:30-9am at the earliest.  Though my work day was good minus being sore from the gym (a  good sore) my body towards the end of the day decided to crap out on me. My stomach was upset and my dysfunctional menstrual cycle decide to show up for oh maybe two hours before going back to its guessing game of am I here or not here with being Aunt Flow time of the month. (This is nothing new with being as heavy as I am my cycle is so messed up and I know I'm not doing it any favors by staying at this weight) But in the process I had serious cramping at work and then I just felt nauseous the rest of the time and it just got worse on my way home and while I walked Stanley, to the point that while I waited on the hold *40mins* for costumer service from the covered ca to answer a question (I forgot my username/password) I was sleepy and had a headache and wasn't sure if I was gonna need to puke or what.

So long story short I took some Excedrin when my headache, just would not go away after I ate something after finally getting done with the phone call. Then we did a grocery run and got a good amount of healthy items and while I did snag my Conversation hearts (two little boxes) since they were already out (EARLY!) and I only get them once a year, always limiting myself to just two small boxes. I also told myself it wasn't a big deal to get a box of little Debbie Nutty Buddy bars instead of just the two pack since the grocery store we went to doesn't have it in a two pack. (Not that I really needed them they just sounded good)

I also had a Starbucks Pumpkin Latte (Venti- aka biggest one w/ Whip Cream)... lets just say my calorie limits that I had set up were busted by a long shot today and the little activity I did do didn't really burn much to help that. So I feel like while I'm 1-for-1 at this point I also feel like the biggest failure today and I just want to eat the rest of the box of nutty buddies so they are out of the house.

Instead I ate both boxes of conversation hearts, I had already had two packs of 2 nutty buddies after dinner with my Starbucks and as much as I still did want to kill all the rest of them (8 bars) I got water instead and came here to vent and make a post.  I serious should just go to bed, I don't know why I let food have this power on me that it shouldn't, it should be fuel and energy not some authority about myself worth.

Its now past midnight, and I need to wash my hands of this day and move on to the next. One day out of a week or a month wont do much in the long run and I just need to dust myself off from today and try again ( harder with better choices) tomorrow.

I plan to write out my weight loss plan and what I'm doing in my next post.

Till then here's about living in the moment...

Hope your new year has started of without a hitch.