Blame my shitty immune system or the fact that I work with kids which are like little petri dishes of germs, but I have been sick since probably the second week of August. I think I've had 2-3 colds in that length of time that have blended together and while the last two I know there are different I'm not sure if the first one was just super long or two put together that I never saw the end of the first one.
Not that they have really dragged me down to much day to day besides being just tired a lot easier and well the new addition to it all my dry scratchy throat that makes me sound like one of those old ladies who smoked for 30 years of her life and is all raspy and coughs when she talks for too long. Sounds beautiful, right?
I keep telling myself to go to the doctor, and they I say nah its not that bad! So I say to myself than start getting your ass to the gym, but I feel like shit.... And this is how the last month or so has gone.
I feel like such a whiny bitch lately but I know all the things I need to do I just "don't do them" and complain later and its a habit that is hard to break once you have found yourself in it.
I know I'm not doing myself any favors by not doing anything to help my immune system in the long run with exercise or hell even eating more veggies and fruits over some of the fast food and process crap I've decide to eat as of lately. My mind plays the I'd really like this but I should get this, and it goes back ad forth till I go yeah I can get that any time (healthier option) lets go for the other. Thing is I could get either any time, but in the end which is gonna benefit me?
It's a never ending battle of thinking of things I know I need to do and not following through and besides the factor that I need to do it and lose what I can before May next year just to fit in the seat on the plane for Boston. I need to also start doing it because of the fact that my immune system and well my body isn't getting any younger and I've noticed that the less I take care of it, the more I feel it slowly falling apart on me. Not to say that I'm "SO OLD" because I'm not believe you me, I know this but I also know that if I don't start something now there wont be anything to keep later.
My mind goes to my grandmother (Dad's Mom) and how she had issues with getting older and when she told me not to get old and I laughed thinking she was joking she looked me square in the face and said, "I'm not joking it sucks." Truth is she was right, if you don't use it you lose it and well I need to start using it or at least protecting it in the best way possible. I'm not for some goal weight any more, though I know a range I'd like to be in. It's more about feeling my best and being my best and living my best life.
It all comes down to how I take care of myself for my future no matter what does, or doesn't happen. Either way I'll have to deal with it; both good and bad.
Lately with seeing kids at work or just certain friends and family members little ones I get baby fever and its got to the point where I said "OUTLOUD" to myself today during work "Can I just find a guy who wants to have a kid(s) with me," and I was for one glad no one heard me but also laughed a little to myself because my brain went your not ready to have kids you can't even take care of yourself fully without your mom's help. And while that's true I don't think your every really "ready" for kids till you have them and even than as my Dad told me about my brother and I "They (We) don't (didn't) come with instructions."
A lot of my opinions of how I want a relationship has changed recently and a lot of things I'm still set on, a big thing has been the money aspect of it all. I think that came from how much of an issue it does cause and has caused in relationships I've known or been apart of (family wise) and I still have my issues to work and I guess that is something I need to talk to my future partner with about it all and come to a compromise perhaps of how it all worked out. I wanted it to be two incomes and share the kids only as a joint account so to speak but keep the accounts mostly separate, now I'm not so sure about that. For one I know at least for my first kid, I'd like the ability to stay at home with them till the start school (kindergarten) perhaps even all of my kids depending.
I want them to have the ability to try anything and everything in life from learning a sport to a instrument to have some sort of a start towards college. I know how hard it is, I'm sitting here thinking about college too, and it makes my brain hurt. I know that either I or my future husband will have to make enough or at least one of us will to do this. And as much as I like that idea I for some reason know in the back of my mind right now single handedly (because no one else to talk this out with relationship wise for where they stand) feel like him being the sole bread winner might frustrate me or irritate me a bit. It's an issue that I know comes from being without money and knowing while it doesn't bring happiness in the grand scheme of it all it does help with the stability and the stresses of life.
Plus, I hate feeling stuck and that for some reason makes me feel stuck like I'm depending on him which I guess in relationship you do, but my brain cant work out how to explain why I feel this way or how to change it so for now I accept what is till someone can help me see it differently.
Schooling as I mentioned about (College) has also been on my mind, I know for the most point right now I wanna go back to school once I do my Boston and Colorado Trips next year. So possible starting in the Summer/Fall of 2016. I wanna work towards being a Teacher and also do some language studies as well as art, music and writing classes as well.
I spent so much of my life looking for who to be, and asking everyone who I should be I put off a lot of things I could have done when I had graduated high school almost 10 years ago. (Which is will be once I start school again) Though I don't think my mind set would still be the same if I didn't take the steps I did, I wouldn't be working where I work now if that were the case and I don't think if I knew that I would like that. I love my job it helped show me once I got over my nerves of public/speech speaking and stage fright how wonderful teaching really is. How much joy I get when I'm teaching or interacting with the kids I see at work every day esp. when I get to do field trips. Yes there are things about my job that drive me nuts but the kids oh they make it so worth wild.
My mind is scatter brained at best these days as you can tell, I however know a path or at least a direction of where I wanna go and what I need to start to do to get there. Which as scattered and day dreamy as my mind can get says a great deal.
LOVE reading all of the thoughts in your head! Great post! First off, as always I relate to the back and forth battle of food choices and doing better for my body. I worry and think about it daily. I don't know why it's so hard to keep my mind focused for more than a couple of weeks on just doing it and getting healthier, I want it more than anything, but I sure don't act like it sometimes. It's hard! you are not alone in that! Second, I LOVE LOVE LOVE hearing your thoughts about what you want someday with your future family/spouse. I smiled reading through all of it. I KNOW you are going to make an amazing mom someday. Reading these thoughts confirms that even more. You already want the best for them and you don't even have them yet! That's one reason I can tell you will be the best! (It's also true that there is NEVER a perfect or "right" time to have kids. It just kind of happens and you fall in love with them and it all works out! I was fascinated reading your thoughts on sharing finances and stuff. I don't think there is a right way to do it. Nate and I definitely go by the "whats mine is yours" way and it works great for us. I have never felt like I'm mooching off of him in any way either. If anyone has a more important job between the two of us, it's me. I may not make a penny off of it, but raising our babies to be good people, teaching them right from wrong, is probably the most important job in this world! Nate recognizes that I contribute just as much as he does to our marriage in that way and we have never looked at our money as anything but "ours" there definitely isn't much of it at this time of our lives anyway! lol. And I love that! I think when he does finish school and makes good money I'm going to miss the days we were poor together! lol. I love that you are wanting to go back to school in the next couple of years! I am planning on doing the same. I think you would be an amazing teacher! You would help so many kids in so many ways! Go for it! You can do anything you want to do!
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