It's been too long...Scrambled Brain Thoughts at best.

It's been way too long since my last entry, its hard to even decide where I want to write about. I had an idea earlier this week and than stuff happened tonight that kinda changed my focus. Shall I try to address everything?

Over the last oh three months (again way too long) since I wrote last, a lot has been happening at work mostly as a whole company than myself and my job itself.

Our new location further north of where I live opened up this month about two weeks ago now I'd say, and I have yet to go up there. (I might have a shift up there in Dec. it seems: more on that next post)

But a lot of new people have come as old have moved up to that new location and while its different its not too much of a change as I thought it would be. Which is a good thing, because I seriously was scared of that as everything drew closer to change.

One major thing that did happen at the end of October was one of my co-workers did pass away unexpectedly right before Halloween. I had talked to him on a Monday and never got to see him again. I still think about him almost every day at work: its hard not to when people have posted his memorial program in different locations around the office with his smiling face for everyone to see. While its nice to see some days I wish they'd leave it to just one location instead of so many, because it does make you smile it also reminds you that he is gone. He was a great guy and I'll never forget him ever.

As we get closer to the holiday season I'm getting excited for the weather to finally cool down but this year it seems that as much as I'm excited for this seasons stuff, I'm also more bummed out about it. Knowing I won't see family till September next year, and good luck on seeing snow fall anytime soon. Yup I'm still stuck on that one. Its a major factor in making the holidays truly feel like the holidays in my book.

Reason I think why earlier this evening when looking at places I wanted to go check out while in Boston I looked at the employment section of a museum I wanted to go to and realized a position that I have had a lot of coworkers tell me to apply for next go around at my center is hiring and well its better, its full time and it also has benefits. But before I applied I talked with my mom and than still went on my own apartment hunting spree online for a good two -three hours. Realizing that even if I did make enough, no apartment was gonna take Stanley with his Rottweiler mix. We lucked out in getting the apartments we are in now, when the management was a little different. If we were looking now, he'd probably be going to Colorado (my dad had said he'd take him if we couldn't find a place that would take him) but I know that if that was where he was going, I'd follow.

I can't leave him without me, it would be different if he got to stay with mom over a full new place like my Dad's but still. I couldn't do that to him, and I'd miss him too much, plus the more I think about it while Boston would be nice the seasons and for the change. Going there to "LIVE" without actually being there first is a stupid move. So I'm sticking with my trip in May and saving for Colorado in September while I save for schooling for the start of 2016. I figure moving out of state be it back to my home town or even to somewhere in Massachusetts is something too far in the future to even think about right now.  I got live in the present, and make my way toward living on my own and having the means to do that.

For some reason, I feel like in my life that is one major Bucket List time thing. I need to live on my own means, without a room mate for at least a year, if not longer. Before I  move in with someone else. Just to say I've done it.

I have my issues with school whenever I start to think about it thought, my mind sometimes gets stuck in this be all to end all programming and I forget that my path in life isn't just a line of space that goes from life to death, its this vast open thing that anything can happen in if you put the time and effort into it and have the patience to make it work out taking steps every day towards it.

Speaking of every day life, you see without much thought besides just doing it I have completed three weeks of going to the gym 2-3 (last week 4) times a week (including a tread run or two). This seems small but it has also gotten me down to 23lbs lost from my highest weight.

My mind goes that's till 11 lbs. from where you started last time, and that's when I say so what I cant think like that. This is now and I got to think for now not than, not later, this moment where I'm at.

As much of an issue as my sciatic has given me since I managed to pinch it last month, it also helps as a reminder that for it to let me live my life with minimum to no pain I need to get my ass moving every couple days. So its a pain in my side, to work out. Nice huh? LMAO.

To be honest with you I have no goal for New Years or for the next year besides trying my best to be 50 lbs. down by May for that darn plane seat. Meaning I want to be another 30lbs gone by than. I can do this, I will do this. I got this.

I have also in all of these three weeks gone through a lot of realizations with body image about how my mind still was thinking no man will like me at this weight or perhaps even at a lower weight, or what have you. That I wont be enough till I look like one of those models, or at my goal weight. But I have taken into the fact that if a friend told me this, if my daughter or son told me this I would be shocked. If the person I loved and wanted to get married to told me they thought I thought they weren't enough because of this, I would tell them yes they were enough because your weight is not who you are. Its part of you yes, but your person is who I fell for.

Sure I have my attractions to certain aspects of the male form more than others but if the inside don't match I seriously don't think I could deal. I need that mental connection not just the physical one. Being that I've never had just a physical connection with anyone. I need that mental attraction before I can ever think physical, why a lot of the time when I look back at photos of guys I had serious crushes on in high school or younger its not what you'd expect. But hell what you'd expect is just as bad as saying your weight determines your worth for person to love you and ugh. If I think its wrong to have other people thing that of themselves I need to realize I'm worthy of love to regardless of my weight. The connection I have with someone might be different depending on my size true but it doesn't decrease my worth of having that connection at all. This is something I struggle with, a lot this month.

But something that helped me for sure was realizing when it comes to a guy finding me attractive, its not my problem. He will or wont regardless of how I feel about it, its when we both feel it that we pursue it. Because I also don't believe in the friend zone either because neither gender owes anything like that that to anyone else, sexual or friendship wise or anything. Sure we owe to everyone to be decent human beings to one other, but that is that. Anything else that grows from that needs to be pure and honest and grow of its own accord not forced or manipulated but playing into someone's likes or dislikes told to you by an outside source because that isn't being honest, and you need that in any type of relationship with anyone. You can't want what the heart doesn't want, nor can you honestly give it. Plus why would anyone want fake or forced feelings or love? That's just me.


Edit: Nov 25: Cancelled my Trip to Boston for a week in January in Colorado to see family. More on it all next entry (which will before end of the year).