Me and my scatter brain....

I haven't been really great at all things lately and been a little scattered brained so to speak in the past couple months or well month since I last posted. I haven't really dont anything concrete but work on the days I have to, and while these last couple days I have been letting myself slide with less guilt because of a cold I have gained and still trying to get rid of the last bit of it. I think if I had started to be on top of things and ate better, and got back to working out I wouldn't have gained this cold to begin with.

The month of May instead of getting back to the gym I went here and there with really, no rhyme or reason to it. I also didnt really eat better, that was one day here and there as well. In the process I gained a good oh ten pounds over that month and am now I'm less than 20lbs from my heaviest weight that  I started at when I started losing weight about almost four years ago.

I keep feeling down on myself to get better or just give up period, trust me its crossed my mind, and that doesnt help. I also keep getting inspired to do a total turn around late at night when instead of going to bed at a decent hour I ponder websites of weightloss stories and look at before and afters and other pictures of actresses and models I wished I looked like instead myself; not a big confidence/self-esteem booster.

Though I have to say all the junk while in the first moments it taste good and in theory it always sounds delcious I have to say the truth at the end of it not always the best part of my day. Not to say I always regret the junk or the sweets or whatever it may be. Though its not the highlight of my day which I guess food shouldnt be, but for as much as I let myself indulge it seems lately you think it would be.

Besides all that when I've been not working I dont do anything when I can. I mostly just sit around and think maybe I should or maybe this day when I'm off again or after work on the way home this day. I guess the only bright side to that whole contemplation, is that I've been working now (as of this past tuesday) for seven months. What a change around huh? I wish I could say that about a lot more in my life right than I do.

I need to set up some type of plan or schedule for each week and follow through with it, and unless for some odd not-seen reason things change that mess up that said schedule do everything that I plan on it that I know from the past sucess, works. I guess in the end when I get back to 50lbs lost again (or even my once upon acheived mark of 60lbs) I can say in a way I have lost 100lbs, but not really.

Though if I can lose it once I can lose it again and than again and than a little more to get to goal. Sometimes I feel like I need to stop weighing myself so much or at least making that my one marker I go by. Yes I measure myself with a tape measure once a month and see changes in that when I do and how my clothes fit, and trust me this time when I gained the weight back I didnt blame the washer/dryer for shrinking my clothes this time.  I think it was more because I was in tune to what I was doing to my body or what I in fact "WASN'T" doing for my body that let me know what was up. When before I wasn't paying the attention to it nor did I really conciously care THAT much till I weighed in at 300lbs +.

I will definately for sure not let myself get back up to that no way siree. I just think that there is more to this weighing in measureing and etc etc. Maybe its the part where I learn more about myself and my body and how it works and how it's better when its treated right and it's healthy and strong (not thin and skinny just for the sake of being so). Than what life comes of that because when it's health and strong, I will feel that as well.

 I need to start to get back into celebrating myself and my life and with that comes at living it in my terms and in how I feel comfortable. And this extra weight as I have mentioned does "NOT" make me feel comfortable in my skin.

I still want to get down to my goal weight by the time I turn 25 next year, and I wanna do a lot of other things and be in a different mind set, and perhaps part of my life by than. Because for any of this to happen I need to be, clear headed not scatter brained. Time to shake what's loose out and get focused again.

Before I'm Twenty- Five...

The title makes it sound like some silly cute little things I wanna do before I turn twenty-five. In a way it is and in a way its more of guideline for how I want this next year in my life to go. I know I can't control all of it but I can help shape and mold it with a few nudges and turns here and there when time and space allow me to.

My biggest want for this year, is to finally lose all the excess weight I've been carrying around and adding to during my time on this earth so far. I've gone in to detail about why and how I think I gained it and how I need to fix it. Though in the end I can talk till the cows come home and have kids and their cow's come home. Or something like that.

I've always favored the Nike logo of "Just do it." when it comes to weightloss because it doesn't leave any room for error. It's just is. Either do something about it or don't. I have been doing this half assed off and on since I started trying to lose weight in August 2008 and while I did end up losing 50lbs in a little over two years I have also in this last year and a half gained a good 30lbs of that back. I never felt the extra weight like I do now, when I felt the difference of when I lost it compared to how I feel day to day since I gained some of it back.

Though in the end choosing what I want with this comes with choosing how I want to feel. When I work out and eat right, I feel clear-headed more upbeat, and happy and go about my days pretty well. The less I do the more processed I eat the less I feel like doing anything. The more my body doesnt want to move in turn the more I ache and the sadder, and more depressed I get.

I wanna be healthy, not just to help me live a long and happy life but to do so in a way that's worth living it. More than just existing, because that doesn't make me happy.

I'm not at all sure where this life will take me or what I want from it at this moment, but why not fix the things I'm not happy or comfortable with that I can change and see were that leads me.

I could post a bunch of models and actresses and tell you how I want to look as lean or toned as them and believe me I have my inpsirations I look for and read up on. Though in the end I need not to compare myself mind or body to anyone else. This isn't for them, or even you reading this. This is for me, because honestly this mind and body don't compute together when I see them mashed up in the mirror in front of me or when I move about in my daily life. Time to go about fixing that, with healthy eating and doing what the body is suppose to do my nature- MOVE!

Another thing in this year of my life I want to work on is growing my hair back out. I wanna get it to grow out healthy and beautiful and yes dye it but sticking to the one box I've loved and done before more than once, and more than once since chopping it off wished I just dyed it that color before doing any else especially  going bleach blonde for that two day period I did. I'll end up probably buying some cheapy wigs and extenions for fun and to help deal with my bored moments of wanting to do a different color or a different cut as it grows out or what have you. Till it finally at least gets back to the length it was before I went this short, until I can get it to my ulimate goal lenght. I will never regret cutting it, because I'll always wonder how it would be and in a way I like it and it's fun. Maybe later in my life I'll come back to visit it but for the next couple years sticking to getting it to grow healthy and long.

Now it won't be this long by the time I'm 25, but I'm hoping it will look this healthy at least by than. The ulimate goal is this where it stops either right under my chest or at the end of my rib cage. Than every other summer or something cut it up just long enough for a pony tail and donate it to locks of love. (Well at least once in my life time I will anyways.)
.................


Those are the major things I wanna focus on this year, though I wanna keep my job and start saving money. Enough to have the minimum in my account to avoid fee's in case of a lack of the direct deposit amount coming through. Though I am making enough hours right now, you never know. I've actually believe it or not been at my job six months and four days as of today lol. I wanna make it a year and than slowly start to save for perhaps schooling as well. I might wait on my 25th birthday to decide on all of that.

Gotta have my health to have my future, no more jumping the gun in this life of mine. No more worrying over nothing. No more what if's, no more just wishing on things that need action to be done.

I guess more than anything by the time I turn 25 I wanna learn what really makes me happy and what I really want out of life and in turn I need to stop hiding behind people, food, emotions. Weight: loss or gain, andd oh no the what if's!  Life is meant to be lived and I'm tired of just saying that as inpsirational quote or side comment in here or to others. Time to take my own advice and my own beliefs to heart. Pratice what you preach right? Lead by example, and all that other stuff they say.

Something More to Life

Is it really almost may? Am I really almost Twenty-Four years old? Did I really gain back more than half the weight I lost? Do I already regret chopping my hair off ? Do I need to change a few things?

...Answers are..

Yes, it is almost may and I will be 24 years old in two weeks from today, and I did gain 30 of the 50lbs I lost back in these last couple months, and yes and no on the hair. I miss the length I had and want it back but I'd forever wonder about this cut till I did it.

And last but not least, yes I need to change a few things.  Let's start with some silly things before we dive into some seriousness of things that really do need to be changed.

I need to start wearing sunscreen, like every day. It was one of my things to wear it every day as a new years resolution and esp on sunny hot days. I believe yesterday was the one true day I used sun screen (though it was the spray on kind) on all area's of my body that were out in sun, not covered by clothes. Though as we know that doesnt stop the sun exposure, so I need to start daily applying before heading out the door, esp on hot days as these summer months come in.

I need to brush my teeth more often, this sounds totally gross I know. But its more about I usually only brush them at night before bed since I lag on drinking my coffee till last minute most mornings and totally space it as I leave for work. Maybe I need to buy more of those this little tooth brush thingys I had that have the bead of tooth paste in them again. (Or just brush them before I leave haha)

I need to read more, I have a couple of my own (esp the last three harry potter books) and a good at least seven I borrowed from a friend almost three years ago I think now that I need to read and return, sorry friend.

I need to stick to one hair color dye only if and when (more and likely the latter) I start to dye it again. I think I have that color and I also need to stick to the leave in coniditioners and deep conditioners I put in my hair when it was longer, they helped alot and I think they'll keep it the best shape it can be as it grows out. (Plus, I doubt I'll ever go shorter than shoulder length ever again -aka as long as I can put it in a ponytail-)

Now seriously, I need to get back into a gym routine around my work schedule and not only that I need to start eating better. Less junk food and more fresh fruits/veggies and etc. I need to do this not just for physical changes it gives and self esteem issues I have when I don't but also for mental changes as well. It may sound like common sense but I've realized as I have let myself eat crappy food my mentally tends to be more on the crappy side. So I need to change that.

This is for some vanity thing and also for some health thing as well. I need my health to live my life and I need to feel good about myself to have the confience to have the best life. My life, forget what others may think or say they'll say it either way and if I aint hurting no one than so be it.

Only life I got gotta live it and not just let it live for me while I simply just exist.

Slight Update, with PICTURES!

Lol well not my own pictures, but since I haven't totally figured out how to word all that going in around my head right now I figured I'd post some pictures w/sayings and explain how they relate to me right now, to help.

I've noticed a lot latley the more power you give to things you dont necessarily want or agree or love about life or the day your having, the more control they have over you. The more you forget the good things the less you embrace the good things or strive for them as well. Time to let go of the things that I hate or upset me and focus on the good things and the things I can change.

I have spent so much of my life trying to live up to others expectations, to make people like me or to feel wanted as it were. I have gone and done things for others just to get a long and keep the peace more times than I can count. I have blended in, rather than stand out from the crowd just in fear of judgement, that really I can't run from no matter how I act. So hey as long as I'm ok with me and I'm doing my best who am I not to be myself.







In reference to the last part of above, its true why be anyone but you. You were born to live this life and not to live someone elses. Life begans at the edge of your confort zone and living as true and unguarded you as possible is the truest you can be in this life and for yourself. Stand your ground because hey: "If you dont stand for something, you'll fall for anything."

This kinda falls in the whole living for other people thing, I have spent my life for the most part giving people the pen in my life story waiting for them to write what I should do or not do. Or the green light in situations in my life when I'm not totally sure what to do. Though its my life and at the end of the day I have to live with all its actions and in actions a like. Gotta be who I need to be in life to have the life I want to live.

In doing all of the above, I think I can finally find myslef on a path one day where I see the sign above that shows me I've finally found a true fork in the road perhaps that says hey you can continue this way and make it or go that way and go back to how it use to be. Which I guess happens everyday with each choice you make, you just gotta make the ones that work for you. Life is up to you, how you embrace it or don't. How you use it or don't. How you live it, or don't.

  ......Time to do more in this life of mine, than just exist.

No longer wanting to be stuck in wonderland.

Life in general is more what you put in it and what you do with it than what happens to you. It become choas if you let it go too far or don't do anything to change things that are going wrong like in my case.

While most things happen day to day that you have no control over, a good percentage of things happen that you can shape or react to in ways that can make your day or hurt and ruin it. That can lead to a downward cycle of the same thing over and over, till you un-sure of which way is up or down anymore.

I've noticed when this happens for me I start to over in indulge with food and than get annoyed that when my clothes are fresh from the laundry don't quite fit like they use to. I get even more frustrated when looking in the mirror and not liking what I see and just seems like I've become a lost cause and I have more ugly duckling days than not.

I guess in a sense when things get busy or tough I cave and do bare mininum to get by and than realize, that I can't do that if I want to be happy in this life of mine and get frustrated when I just seem to have no enegry to give a damn. When in a since I'm not giving a damn at all. That's what I use to do and it turned into this dark thing that I could care less about the world, I guess when I dont give a damn I get depressed.  So I go to my first choice to cope or fill the void, I eat, when I need to fill  it instead with working out or going out and doing something besides working and hanging out at home. Sure there needs to be those days off where you can just veg but its all about balance.

Though it becames this double edge sword because like I've said in past entries when I do it well and balanced this void or lacking that I need something or need to do comes up that I can't name and dont quite understand and my first instinct is to name it as hungry out of pass habit when its really not and than go searching the shelves or store isles for something to fill it up with. I've also done in the past when it got down to my low point with clothes and other misc things because what I didn't see was the food wasn't filling up that void. It wasn't what I needed or probably even wanted, still isn't.

I think I need to start fresh to start new start planning my weeks better and taking it day by day again. Getting in a better place with food and than get back to working out when I can around work hours. (YES STILL WORKING!!) Life is about choices as I said and to make my life mine and to feel right for me. I have to dig deep and figure it out, one step at a time. Than when those void feelings come about I can address them with a clear head and know that its much more than food or going to shop for something I frankly wont find in a dress or a new pair of shoes.

Maybe after all this time my void feelings are telling me what I'm missing is a life. To live to breath to exlpore to get out of the house and off the couch. I mean no matter how much I work out and how healthy I am I guess if you spend most of the time on the couch besides work and necessary errands wouldnt you still be a couch potato? lol.

That last little bit made me hopeful made me excited and happy. It makes me realize that while I already know life is more than possesions and food,  I can get pass this all and get back on track to making myself more free to be the person I am meant to be. I also think part of me is scared that perhaps I'll change in all of this or as I use to say when I was heavier I dont wanna lose weight because if I do I might get conceieted and have an ego and etc. That was a joke/excuse,  I dont think I could ever be that shallow. I care to much about what other people think of me (which is something I probably will never not do, as much as I try to break that little annoying habit) and just like every one else I'll have my fabolous days to my  ugly duckling days, just the same.

When it comes down to it all. I wanna lose the extra weight I'm carry around, I dont feel comfortable in it. Not to say I'm against anyone who is more heavy than not or more curvy than not or heck more skinny than not. I'm in the boat with whatever works for you, though just lean on the side of healthy if you can.

I do one day wanna be able to wear a bikni to the beach, will I ever? I dont necessarily know, it would great to feel that confident and happy with body for sure. I wanna be strong and feel great in the body I was meant to have all along. Trust me if I was meant to have this body I wouldnt have lost the 40-50lbs I have lost and wiggled back and forth on in the pass few years. (And still lose when I eat healthy and am semi-active)

I'm not necessarily sure I'll be happy with the body I gain in the end, but I know I'm not happy with the one I have now. I have my good days and my bad days with it, but I know it could be so much better. Plus I know it will be better for me in the end for my health and my future. No matter where that may be or where it may take me, I gotta be ready to be open to all its possiblities right?

2011 a look back at it all.. and a peek to 2012

This year began pretty simply and like past years I had. I was just let go of a seasonal job I held at the local mall and was back to square one on the job front, but I had kept my work outs for my weight loss going all year prior expect the last two weeks. Though it wasn't hard when I was on call half the time and was only needed during thanksgiving/black Friday and days before and after Christmas. Though as the months went by I wasn't so motivated to find a replacement job and only applied here and there as it suited me.

As always I had baby sitting jobs here and there and got some funds and other things that way. I was mostly depend on my mom for all things needed and I have learnt and realized over and over again it was something I'm not very fond of because I like being on my own and finding my own way. I got to go to Disneyland here and there throughout the year when my pass gotten prior year wasn't blacked out and saw a friend I hadn't seen in a few years and that was most fun. 

Most of this year was spent working out and not being the best with my food intake so I was staying constant weight but not really changing body wise but maybe slowly toning but noting real noticeable. And hanging out when I should have been applying for jobs and getting my self in that line to get somewhere in life. I realized that I was just drifting by for most of the year and it didn't really hit me till about mid October how over it all I was and that I wanted some direction in my life but was scared to even go forward with that and not know what to do with it or perhaps ruin it.

Though in late October I buckled down and got some applications sent in before the Halloween holiday and than also some other as November started. I landed a gig at one place I went to a job fair for via a text from a friend the day before. In all this I also spent a week in both October and November on my own while my mom as out of town for work. It just strengthen the fact that I want to sure live on my own fully for a while before I settle down with anyone in my life. (Though I still feel I need to live with whom ever I do settle down with for at least a good period of time before I do as well.)

I started my new job in early November and have been working pretty steady hours since. My bad habits at my old job have pretty much disappear and I'm grateful for that. I do have my moments where I get frustrated and angry or annoyed but I vent it or let myself feel it and shake my head and move on. I think I've figured out holding it in and not just letting my emotions show about how I feel about a situation in some way is even worse than living in it constantly or saying that it sucks and turning it against my job and saying its all  the jobs fault and I hate it or what have you. I'm growing up, I'm maturing -shocker!

This year started slow but got crazy as it ended but in a good way, but also with that crazy I also got neglectful about my weight loss and well kinda my weight in general. I indulged a little (ok way ) too much and in the end result as I have learned in these past few days finally getting back on the scale since the first of the month have gained a good 13-15lbs back of what I have lost. But you know I'm not freaking out about it as much as I thought I would. I am kinda like GRRR but I also know what I need to do to fix it and get back on target and start getting better and just getting to goal. In that is half the battle, the half is actually following through with all of that.

2011 will be a life changing year even if this job doesn't last longer than perhaps April 2012 (when the exhibit I was hired for will be leaving ) Because I hope by than I will have experience and knowledge under my belt to take me anywhere I need to go and help me gain a job wherever it may be  or even keep this one I'm at that I am slowly learning to love. Even if I still have those days where I'd rather just chill at home than spend it at work on my feet.

2012 I'm hopeful for so many things, I am going to start measuring all my food intake by serving sizes (duh) and sizes and etc. to get true calories and try to stick to the healthy stuff. Whole grains, fruits veggies and lean proteins. I will indulge here and there but I have my mind on a plan that I have yet to totally finalize in planning out for all this. But I'm kicking out soda and rockstar energy drinks and fast food. The soda and fast food I let back into my life more so this year than years prior since starting my weight loss and I think it might be why I in fact have been seated with this extra weight.

I'm also gonna try and work back in my gym routine in some ways depending on my weeks schedule. I might invest in some cheap workout DVDs for days where I have time to work out but not quite the time to make it to and back to the gym for work.

Life is all about making it work for you, not letting life make you work for it. Worthwhile things are usually the ones that take the most time and effort.

I also wanna do some fun things too this coming year, though I'm not quite sure what those will be quite yet. 2012 watch out, if you are the end of the world as we know it. I'm making it worth my life.

All In A Month's Time....Though it seems much longer.

I have been working, yes working for about a month now. It feels like so much more time has gone by than that, it feels like I've had this job for so much longer. Though it also feels like it won't last either, but that is something I know I might face come April since it is a kinda of seasonal job. That is something I will be concerned with moment to moment here and there till than.

Though with all of this I have let the gym go by the way side, I haven't been since the 28th of October. I could have gone the first two weeks of November but I didnt because I got busy with baby sitting and working things out for this job thing and actually trying to turn in appplications to find a job and I wanted time to myself when I wasn't doing those things (or perhaps anything). But I kept forgetting how much a stress reliever a work out is, not to say I was stressed, but it helps me relax and refocus; and my body I know misses it. (Going today after I write this!)

Heck, I miss it. I dont know what it is about it but when you get endorpins from working out its "so" much better than eating that cupcake you feel you need to eat or that drink of beer or wine whatever you vice may be. Though gratefully I have not let my calorie counting or my journal with it go to way side so I have kept in check with it in. Maybe not with good food choices or what have you in what/how much I eat but I have kept an eye on it. Which may be my saving grace in it all, plus being up on my feet most days of the week. Oh, and the stairs I have to take a couple times a day during each shift between floors to and from breaks.

I admit I love this job, and I finally see myself letting go of my negtive aspect of dreading working and everything the way I use to be for the longest time. I don't know if I've grown out of it, seen what was wrong with it and over came it. Or maybe just maybe it works better when you care more about your job and the people you work with, than you have in the past.

I wanna make things work out, I wanna make my life work for me instead of me working for it.

I keep thinking of things to start saving my money for besides the obvious thing to avoid bank fee's and to help out around the house and to hopefully one day start to pay a good half of my bills again if not more. I have realized that part of me has out grown a couple things in my life. My car being one of them and I am forever in love the car my mom replaced her truck for. (Heck, I'm the one who kept buggin her about test driving it till we did and than she ended up getting it.) I also one day one to replace this dear old (well not that old) laptop of mine for a mac book since I hear such great things about them.

Though both as of recently have gotten repairs to make them last for a few more years. I know both though won't last forever. But anything about saving for either or making a plan to buy them I think comes when I have for sure kept this job (or another) for a good amount of time ( 6 months to a year) and know besides any unseen circumstances that I am being kept on as an employee.

I am determined to get back to the gym and start working out regularly again, its just about adapting to my new schedule and working out when I can instead of when I use to. Plus listening to my body and understanding what it more or not needs instead of wants most times. Because we all know the wants aren't always the best especially if its more about your want for a craving than need for a serving of fruits and veggies.

I want to make a deadline and say I will be at goal weight by my birthday or by the 4yr marker in this weightloss journey of mine. Though part of me things this is my undoing as it has been in the past, since I skip a day or mess up and than get freaked about meeting a goal and some how end up blowing the whole thing because I'm not on track at all and I'd rather fail and quit than really fail and not make it to goal, which actually if I think about it I am doing both anyways.

I want to eat healthy and be healthy and active as much as I can, I also want to take day(s) off and time for myself when and if I can(as needed). I think part of me is still working on living in that moment thing. There is saying that says if your always striving for that next thing or that next moment, when do you really enjoy the moment or life you are living. Plus when do you realize the time you really do have your missing out on. So focused on whats to come, than what you have right in front of you.

Life sometimes seems to be slower than you can imagine but I know as I've seen with this last month, it is short and it does go by fast and slow and everything else in between. It's how you react to it; rejecting it or embracing it that matters most when you look back on your life. Your day, and even looking towards you future because when you enjoy what you have just imagine how much more you will experince as time goes on. 

Stress is what we do to oursleves, sure sometimes its unvoidable but those are the times I think your not stressed your just frustrated. Also sometimes its just a matter of letting go of how you wish things could be and let life unfold on its own as much as possible; because most times what will be, will be.