Maybe its just me but as I get a little older the excitement for a New Year is over within the first few weeks of January. I always get ideas and excited over the week between Christmas and end of the year and yet some how; especially with how busy it is at work during that time of the year that it floods into the New Year it loses something.
Or I just don't plan accordingly, perhaps. Last year had its hiccups and while a few more happened in the last few months of the year. The major one I have been dealing with as of late is mostly due to something I've been dealing with for most of my life. My weight.
So many of my issues can be tied to my weight, and I'm not doing myself or my body any favors by sticking to this weight or decided to put off taking care of it, or risking reactions to things that may make me in a worst off state then I am. I hate to say this because it sounds so judgmental but its not meant to be, its part of my own mentality my own self being. When I see people who lose their life (not literally- but physically) to weight gain or disease related to it I always have a voice in my head that is silently freaking out say not me, that wont be me. But I never really change anything to make it possibly one day not be me. Instead I do things that add to the issue, or do things that could make me face my ultimate fear because I don't think about the repercussions, the consequences as it were.
I get bored or get a wild hair, or cant do something because of an issue I'm currently dealing with physically and instead of doing something I "can" do I do something I probably "shouldn't" do and think about it after the fact and go, "Well that was a dumb idea/move." And "Thank God," that didn't end up worse then it did.
Here's the truth, I hate my body. Not for its shape or lack whatever have you, I hate it because I've let it become this barrier this suit of not necessarily protection from the world but possibly protection from myself; maybe. I'm still figuring this all out, I hate that my body weighs me down most of the time that I'm not as mobile as I once was and that isn't just due to the fact that I'll be 30 in May. I hate that I'm not quite sure how things look on me because my visual perspective of what I look like is so screwed and I'm reminded of that when I need to shop for new clothes and things don't fit that use to or the way they should because my shape is different.
Most of all I hate my body because it lately it seems if its not one thing its another thing I'm dealing with as I'm trying to hop back on the fitness bandwagon, which really should be a bandwagon but a life choice but I digress. I get out of breath so easily, I get over heated and sweat like a quick turn on the faucet of water if I'm running around too quick/much ; which half the time isn't really like a running faucet but where I turn clammy and chilled.
My sciatica flares from time to time if I'm doing too much for it or changing up my patterns of activity to non activity frequently. As of late I have developed Plantar Fasciitis in both feet but mostly in my right one to the point if I don't tape my feet with athletic tape my heel feels like someone is putting a knife in it and pulling it down to the ground as I take a step, if I'm on my feet too much throughout the day (recently got shoe inserts to see if they'll help). Also, while it can be normal most of the time, it doesn't take much for my blood pressure to rise and stick in a high zone.. especially when I'm at the doctors it seems.
I could chalk all this up to getting older and my body just dealing with life, but I know better. Yes from the moment where born as we grow into adults we take one more step towards the end of our life and we don't know how long we all got here, but what benefit am I doing to my life to my body to aid it in its own destruction and I know its not gonna get better. My body can only adapt to the issues it dealing with and as it ages it will get harder for it to do so, I've seen this first hand with two people in my life. One being my grandmother who told me not to get old when I was around 10 years old, and when I laughed she sternly told me that she wasn't kidding me as her body failed her long before her mind did and she had to deal with all those issues as her body just couldn't deal anymore.
As well as my pup Stanley, its been over a year but ( and I know I shouldn't but I do) there is still a little but of residual guilt about maybe not feeding him the healthiest or letting him have too much human food, or not walking him more making him more active. I see it now as I look back on pictures. I'm not sure what really caused him to start to decline when he did in health that lead to his passing, but I know just as I can and should take better care of myself and my health. I could have done so with his too; I'm not sure if knowing what caused his passing at the end of the day would make guilt go away either. I know he was old and I know he had a good life and he was loved, but some things you just cant shake and you learn to live with them and learn to make different choices for future pups that may come in to my life.
Maybe that's the way I need to look at it, to be better fit for another pup or any other animal or human that comes into my life I need to be better for myself. Not as a role model that someone looks up to or someone to inspire others. Just that if I take care of myself if I'm mindful about my choices if I treat my body right, then I can be there for myself in this life just as well as anything else that might need me. I mean I'm only human, I'm bound to make mistakes but the only way to move on, the only way to really do something with them besides just sulk in them and relive in them and torment myself about what could have been is to let it go, learn from the mistake and better my life and my choices from what I learnt. We all make mistakes and we all figure things out in our own way, and possibly I need to learn that without them why would we really be here. If we were all these little perfect beings that had it all figured out what would be the purpose at life.
Its all a balance after all, the good with the bad, the mistakes with the success. If your not willing to learn from both the good and bad parts of life you'll never really know how to truly be able to handle and embrace both sides, or life in general.
I'll be honest, I may not start this right away, I may keep it in the back of my mind and think about it and hold on to it. With the intent to start it another day, not that there is any one day that is better then the next, just the one were in. The only one we got.
I want to feel more at home in my body more centered and mindful, but I also know that it takes time and practice and patience and mistakes along the way. I wont always be great at it, and some days I may give up. The only way I fail is if I quit trying. The choice is mine.
Monday, January 8, 2018
Thursday, September 7, 2017
6 Crazy Months..
Its been way too long, and yet so much has happened and yet nothing much has really changed either when you look back on everything. But how in the world is it already September? Where has 2017 gone?
This year by far is a recovery year; I called it a leap year when talking to my friend tonight because it almost feels like so much has happened but yet nothing much really has changed kinda like we have leaped through this year. I say that myself in my shoes I'm sure there is someone out there who would say that their 2017 is their worst year and my heart goes out to them truly.
But I guess I'll stick by recovery year for more reasons then one and without making this post a novel of an update in my life I'll try to share all of it since its been almost half the year (six months) since I last posted.
I felt like I may have unleashed a bomb last post and that my state of mind was not ok at best, however to be honest my writing was me trying to get back to change course to admit it all and move on or try. I had a few speed bumps with some colds over the two months that followed I wont lie, but nothing major like it had been back in Feb.
A lot of things changed and I was and still am going to the doctor more recently; not for mental health I actually feel like I'm in a such a better state then I was during my last post now then before so let me update you all (or the one or two people who actually read this) on the crazy last couple of months.
About 2-3 weeks after my last post I don't know if it was something I ate (after effects of some of the stuff I was doing in Feb.) but I went to bed after a late dinner and watching TV with an upset stomach; I didn't really sleep at all since I was up with this pain waiting to need to use the bathroom in one way or another. I think I may have ended up sleeping a few hours at best during the night and when my body wasn't getting better and I checked my temp and it was a little over 100.0 degrees I called in to work to call out sick (on the 2nd day of the craziest time of the year for us mind you).
I tried to eat things; and everything made it upset; especially a yogurt and my mom kept telling me if I feel that bad (making noises) I should go to the doctor. So just before 5pm I called and they had no appointments left I'd have to go to urgent care. I was there till about 8-9 at night waiting to be seen (they checked my vitals and had me go back to the waiting room) and once I had been I was reccomoned to go to the ER. We were there doing multiple testing till about 5am. (I had a small nap on the couch during the day before we went to urgent care for about an hour tops and then maybe doze in and out while we waited on test results in the ER) I ended up calling out from work with a doctors note for both the day of and the next day as well; and got meds from the pharmacy and went home (called out for another day). I slept and was starting to feel better in a few days. (which was important and I'll make a point about this later).
So about two days after the ER visit I was in for a follow up to make sure I was feeling better and they let me know that my iron was severally low and had me be put on iron and b12 and folic acid and to have my blood tested in a month ( I believe I know I've gone a couple times; and still need to go back in October to get it checked again; more on that later) to verify my levels were going up.
I was finally scheduled to see my primary doctor (that I admit I dont go to in generally unless I need to) and while there we did my pap smear (first one) and also talked about my low iron or my anemia rather and it was then I was also put on Birth Control to help my anemia when I explained how bad it could get ( I wont gore you with the details; but if you've ever used or heard of ultra tampons ... you'll get my drift).
After taking all my antibotics for the ER trip and getting use to taking my supplements for my anemia and waiting on my cycle to start up again to start talking my birth control I celebrated my birthday with friends and family and got back into life and work being crazy with the summer time and more guests coming in.
Just after the start of June when my levels for my Anemia had only raised slightly and I was feeling better I figured I could start getting back into the gym that next week; however that is not what ended up happening.
Few days later in the morning I woke up with what I thought was really bad period cramps and just thought my body was getting use to the birth control still and it would fade and be done with in a few days once the period was done. However it lingered passed then and started to add more issues like bowel movements were either making me super bloated before going and nauseous when I'd finally go; and sometimes not for days at a time (when I use to go a little every day) and at times very painful making me sick to my stomach, and I started talking Excerdin to deal with the pain and nausea. However that every day and multiple time as it wore off (and the constant lower pain in my hip area under my belly button on both sides) I'd take more, it didnt help the bowel movements since too much of that will constipate you and then ruin your kidneys and liver.
I ended up making an appointment a few days later; they thought it was pelvic inflammatory; and also tested me for STDs (ironic if you know me.. like really know me) however when the pain wouldn't go away or change and I was still taking excerdin to function I made another appointment. This time they thought I had intestine infection like before; even though I was adamant about it being lower then that pain was back in April when I went to the ER. I got the same antibotics for it and they had me schedule a CT scan for a week later.
The antibotics still werent doing anything; the doc I had last seen advised me that if I felt my pain was bad enough 7 or higher to go to the ER so I decided the best thing for me was to stop taking the excredin and see how much I could deal with the pain. I did so and while I was at a 5-6.5 pain wise most of the time I was able to deal for the most part I just wasnt eating much since it helped me not get so bloated and be in worse pain. I finally scheduled a gyno exam a few days later since nothing was changing and I still had to wait at least a week for the CT scan; plus during my ER visit I found out through the ultrasound test I had ovarian cysts on both sides.
Gyno found them and said it wanted me to set up consult with an active sugeron (he was only part time and mostly retired) for a few weeks later and then also a week after my CT a more detailed ultrasound test (then they had in the gyno's office). I also got in contact with my primary doctor and asked his advice and tried to get a sooner date to consult about my cysts and options to get removed however after talking over the phone with another surgeon who didnt have an availablites I was stuck playing the waiting game.
My CT scan ended up showing the cysts and nothing else wrong and then the ultra sound showed that in April my left was 5 cm and my right was 3cm and now a few months later the left was 5.8 (considered 6cm) and the right was 4.5cm. They had grown, and probably would not go away without sugery. So finally my consult came at the beginning of July, and we tired to reach out to other doctors for quicker openings after we talking through everything (syptoms, test results etc) and I thought I'd have to keep playing the waiting game (while seeing if I was gonna have to cancel an already booked and planned trip to visit family at the end of august).
The monday after the visit the surgeon I had met that day's office called me to set up a sugery day for the first part of august (2 days shy of a month post op as I type this), to get my cysts removed. My surgeon also thought I might have Endometriosis with all my symptoms.
At work we are updating some of our stuff to reflect the education standard changes and learning new material so that kept my focus for the most part and while I waited I dealt with seeing a pattern of my pain being less a week after period was gone and then picking back up during my next till a week afterwards. I dealt with not taking any excedrin as much as I could to help with not adding to my bowel issues.
The day came and went and while a little nerve racking going in that morning; they got done with the person before me so quick and everything kinda just ran after check in I really didnt have much time to think the day it happened, my recovery the first few days was ruff and I felt a little overwhelmed when seeing work stuff but I couldnt not keep in the loop the only way I knew how and rest as I could (while doing daily walks and not sitting around "too much" as my doc suggested).
I went back the day before my 2 week post op and faired ok and my doc was impressed with how I was healing and called me a rockstar and is having me come back for a check in November.
I found out the cysts were benign, and I do have endometriosis but my birth control should help keep that from being too big of a concern. With all the blood testing I had to go through the day before sugery I had my anemia tested again (I was suppose to get it tested then too but I had postponed it during due to the sugery; however since I found out I dont "need" to fast they did it anyway) and while my levels are back in the normal range they want me to as I said test again in Oct.
I'm slowly getting my engery back and feeling more myself when out doing things and at work then I did the first week or two back in society. The whole ER visit with the antibotics being a good thing they ended help me feel better was a bit of a issue too since they had mentioned that if they didnt it might be a sign of Crohn's diease; well when my surgeon heard this she told me to go see the GI doc to run a test and explain my symptoms too. Turns out the person who read my CT scan at the ER was the over night person who miss read it *was corrected - no Crohn's* and my intestines in April looked fine just as the ones in June did; but as the GI doc said the pelvic area was a whole other issue. (Do have a follow up phone appointment with him to check in Oct as well)
I'm still feeling the twinges here and there of pain mostly in my insides as they continue to heal especially my belly botton area since they did the sugery laparoscopically. Turns out my cysts had taken all the space that is suppose to be under my uterus *near my rectum* and stared to come together and be pals and stick to each other. Since their removal (minus post sugery waiting period to have a bowel movement) its like night and day; I still have some gas pains here and there and senstivity but thats gonna take time to heal and get back to where it use to be pre cysts.
I did end up having to move my trip to see family out to a week from today; southwest is awesome and letting you do that by the way. And I'm still dealing with work changes and sign offs for the new content and ironcially the now slow period at work since summer is over and kids are back in school.
I wanna get back to the gym when I get back from seeing family; but I'm just taking this day by day and moment by moment right now. I think 2017 is my healing year, even if it didnt start out that way.
This year by far is a recovery year; I called it a leap year when talking to my friend tonight because it almost feels like so much has happened but yet nothing much really has changed kinda like we have leaped through this year. I say that myself in my shoes I'm sure there is someone out there who would say that their 2017 is their worst year and my heart goes out to them truly.
But I guess I'll stick by recovery year for more reasons then one and without making this post a novel of an update in my life I'll try to share all of it since its been almost half the year (six months) since I last posted.
I felt like I may have unleashed a bomb last post and that my state of mind was not ok at best, however to be honest my writing was me trying to get back to change course to admit it all and move on or try. I had a few speed bumps with some colds over the two months that followed I wont lie, but nothing major like it had been back in Feb.
A lot of things changed and I was and still am going to the doctor more recently; not for mental health I actually feel like I'm in a such a better state then I was during my last post now then before so let me update you all (or the one or two people who actually read this) on the crazy last couple of months.
About 2-3 weeks after my last post I don't know if it was something I ate (after effects of some of the stuff I was doing in Feb.) but I went to bed after a late dinner and watching TV with an upset stomach; I didn't really sleep at all since I was up with this pain waiting to need to use the bathroom in one way or another. I think I may have ended up sleeping a few hours at best during the night and when my body wasn't getting better and I checked my temp and it was a little over 100.0 degrees I called in to work to call out sick (on the 2nd day of the craziest time of the year for us mind you).
I tried to eat things; and everything made it upset; especially a yogurt and my mom kept telling me if I feel that bad (making noises) I should go to the doctor. So just before 5pm I called and they had no appointments left I'd have to go to urgent care. I was there till about 8-9 at night waiting to be seen (they checked my vitals and had me go back to the waiting room) and once I had been I was reccomoned to go to the ER. We were there doing multiple testing till about 5am. (I had a small nap on the couch during the day before we went to urgent care for about an hour tops and then maybe doze in and out while we waited on test results in the ER) I ended up calling out from work with a doctors note for both the day of and the next day as well; and got meds from the pharmacy and went home (called out for another day). I slept and was starting to feel better in a few days. (which was important and I'll make a point about this later).
So about two days after the ER visit I was in for a follow up to make sure I was feeling better and they let me know that my iron was severally low and had me be put on iron and b12 and folic acid and to have my blood tested in a month ( I believe I know I've gone a couple times; and still need to go back in October to get it checked again; more on that later) to verify my levels were going up.
I was finally scheduled to see my primary doctor (that I admit I dont go to in generally unless I need to) and while there we did my pap smear (first one) and also talked about my low iron or my anemia rather and it was then I was also put on Birth Control to help my anemia when I explained how bad it could get ( I wont gore you with the details; but if you've ever used or heard of ultra tampons ... you'll get my drift).
After taking all my antibotics for the ER trip and getting use to taking my supplements for my anemia and waiting on my cycle to start up again to start talking my birth control I celebrated my birthday with friends and family and got back into life and work being crazy with the summer time and more guests coming in.
Just after the start of June when my levels for my Anemia had only raised slightly and I was feeling better I figured I could start getting back into the gym that next week; however that is not what ended up happening.
Few days later in the morning I woke up with what I thought was really bad period cramps and just thought my body was getting use to the birth control still and it would fade and be done with in a few days once the period was done. However it lingered passed then and started to add more issues like bowel movements were either making me super bloated before going and nauseous when I'd finally go; and sometimes not for days at a time (when I use to go a little every day) and at times very painful making me sick to my stomach, and I started talking Excerdin to deal with the pain and nausea. However that every day and multiple time as it wore off (and the constant lower pain in my hip area under my belly button on both sides) I'd take more, it didnt help the bowel movements since too much of that will constipate you and then ruin your kidneys and liver.
I ended up making an appointment a few days later; they thought it was pelvic inflammatory; and also tested me for STDs (ironic if you know me.. like really know me) however when the pain wouldn't go away or change and I was still taking excerdin to function I made another appointment. This time they thought I had intestine infection like before; even though I was adamant about it being lower then that pain was back in April when I went to the ER. I got the same antibotics for it and they had me schedule a CT scan for a week later.
The antibotics still werent doing anything; the doc I had last seen advised me that if I felt my pain was bad enough 7 or higher to go to the ER so I decided the best thing for me was to stop taking the excredin and see how much I could deal with the pain. I did so and while I was at a 5-6.5 pain wise most of the time I was able to deal for the most part I just wasnt eating much since it helped me not get so bloated and be in worse pain. I finally scheduled a gyno exam a few days later since nothing was changing and I still had to wait at least a week for the CT scan; plus during my ER visit I found out through the ultrasound test I had ovarian cysts on both sides.
Gyno found them and said it wanted me to set up consult with an active sugeron (he was only part time and mostly retired) for a few weeks later and then also a week after my CT a more detailed ultrasound test (then they had in the gyno's office). I also got in contact with my primary doctor and asked his advice and tried to get a sooner date to consult about my cysts and options to get removed however after talking over the phone with another surgeon who didnt have an availablites I was stuck playing the waiting game.
My CT scan ended up showing the cysts and nothing else wrong and then the ultra sound showed that in April my left was 5 cm and my right was 3cm and now a few months later the left was 5.8 (considered 6cm) and the right was 4.5cm. They had grown, and probably would not go away without sugery. So finally my consult came at the beginning of July, and we tired to reach out to other doctors for quicker openings after we talking through everything (syptoms, test results etc) and I thought I'd have to keep playing the waiting game (while seeing if I was gonna have to cancel an already booked and planned trip to visit family at the end of august).
The monday after the visit the surgeon I had met that day's office called me to set up a sugery day for the first part of august (2 days shy of a month post op as I type this), to get my cysts removed. My surgeon also thought I might have Endometriosis with all my symptoms.
At work we are updating some of our stuff to reflect the education standard changes and learning new material so that kept my focus for the most part and while I waited I dealt with seeing a pattern of my pain being less a week after period was gone and then picking back up during my next till a week afterwards. I dealt with not taking any excedrin as much as I could to help with not adding to my bowel issues.
The day came and went and while a little nerve racking going in that morning; they got done with the person before me so quick and everything kinda just ran after check in I really didnt have much time to think the day it happened, my recovery the first few days was ruff and I felt a little overwhelmed when seeing work stuff but I couldnt not keep in the loop the only way I knew how and rest as I could (while doing daily walks and not sitting around "too much" as my doc suggested).
I went back the day before my 2 week post op and faired ok and my doc was impressed with how I was healing and called me a rockstar and is having me come back for a check in November.
I found out the cysts were benign, and I do have endometriosis but my birth control should help keep that from being too big of a concern. With all the blood testing I had to go through the day before sugery I had my anemia tested again (I was suppose to get it tested then too but I had postponed it during due to the sugery; however since I found out I dont "need" to fast they did it anyway) and while my levels are back in the normal range they want me to as I said test again in Oct.
I'm slowly getting my engery back and feeling more myself when out doing things and at work then I did the first week or two back in society. The whole ER visit with the antibotics being a good thing they ended help me feel better was a bit of a issue too since they had mentioned that if they didnt it might be a sign of Crohn's diease; well when my surgeon heard this she told me to go see the GI doc to run a test and explain my symptoms too. Turns out the person who read my CT scan at the ER was the over night person who miss read it *was corrected - no Crohn's* and my intestines in April looked fine just as the ones in June did; but as the GI doc said the pelvic area was a whole other issue. (Do have a follow up phone appointment with him to check in Oct as well)
I'm still feeling the twinges here and there of pain mostly in my insides as they continue to heal especially my belly botton area since they did the sugery laparoscopically. Turns out my cysts had taken all the space that is suppose to be under my uterus *near my rectum* and stared to come together and be pals and stick to each other. Since their removal (minus post sugery waiting period to have a bowel movement) its like night and day; I still have some gas pains here and there and senstivity but thats gonna take time to heal and get back to where it use to be pre cysts.
I did end up having to move my trip to see family out to a week from today; southwest is awesome and letting you do that by the way. And I'm still dealing with work changes and sign offs for the new content and ironcially the now slow period at work since summer is over and kids are back in school.
I wanna get back to the gym when I get back from seeing family; but I'm just taking this day by day and moment by moment right now. I think 2017 is my healing year, even if it didnt start out that way.
Monday, March 13, 2017
Come what may..
I wish I could say that in the last few months I have found motivation, I have been inspired to live my life for the person my dog thought I was. Though I've had my moments of trying, I've had my moments of feeling like the floor fell out from beneath me and made me realize I hadn't gone far enough down, my rock bottom still wasn't found yet. And yet it didn't scare me, part of me for a hot minute wanted to test it; wanted to see how far down it could go.
Though my over analytical mind with a flair of wild imagine starts to work out the scenarios and make my logical side stop me in my tracks. Though not without some damage, and yet at the same time I feel like I'm over dramatizing this in my own head. Not the pain or the grief but the things I've done in the mean time since, and the things I haven't.
I have my moments of clarity of feeling like I'm about to break through this to a new chapter to a new start. I see the light and I embrace it all, and yet I feel myself get pulled back to where I once was feeling like a ghost of myself and yet it's easy its peaceful even if I don't feel like myself or feel anything at all. But a small sense of shame that saves me from myself, at least for the moment.
Almost 4 months seems like a life time ago, and yet seems like no time has passed at all. I've moved up in my job and I've also done things and made plans for months ahead. Yet I sit here some nights when I should be going to sleep, thinking of how I could go back to what I was doing; how simple it was. Coming back from it is not easy, and I regret every moment. But it doesn't stop me, its easier and cheaper then over eating, and yet I tend to go to food when I try to stop myself from doing it again, its the one thing that I decided was better then eating at all for a bit when I first started, because it made it easier, it made it more intense.
Yet I knew better; but some how I don't think for a long time it will ever not be in my mind to do, regardless of the harm it can cause. It's not alcohol, its cough syrup. While all I can say is that a random bored night of wanting to feel anything but sober became a week long experiment on how long or hard I could go and points at rite aid that got me things for free made it that much more simple to do. I figured out how a different type would make it not as high and even weeks later when doing it again a set of only PM because the dose was stronger would make me sleep through all but the last thirty minutes of the high.
I would only feel ashamed when I had to deal with being high and try to hide it when my mom was home, and to plan out requesting days off in the future of when she'd be out of town to plan to do it without questioning when she'd be home. Those of yet to pass and plans have been made to keep me out of the house and doing things so as not to indulged.
I write this all down, and want to mention how I went from that to taking 40 pills of melatonin cause I read it could get you high but just left me zombified tired for a day and half. Then recently doing more of the drug (that was in the cough syrup) in what we had and eating a ton of nutmeg because again I read a lot of it would make you high. And yet I wanna take all this back, and get stuff tomorrow on my day off to just lay in the dark of my bathroom blasting music in my ears, and never tell a soul.
I won't say this is all because of a death and my grief; I was dealing with trying to escape in some form way before I had him in my life. To be honest I think he gave me a purpose in my life that kept me from doing these things earlier. Though as I have done since forever, I turned to food and in turn shared that food with him, but my issues were bigger then food and well bigger then any bottle of any substance.
Food is the easier one, for me to be addicted to. To abuse, your body gains weight but you deal in some way because well your complacent by the food for at least a short time. Though it runs out of its power or you get tired of the results and you turn to other things. I've mentioned in the past when I drink I can't stand the long effects of over drinking the hangover as it were. Plus alcoholism runs in my family and I'm always too fearful of that reality to get caught up in it; and the taste isn't my favorite either. But just as food or alcohol; cough syrup or any type of over kill on pills or spices is the same thing. You feel like a pod person, and yet when your dealing with everything in the world and the one thing (person or animal) you had to help you through it is now gone you almost feel like feeling that way is best.
I get in my head and think what is wrong with me, what makes me do these things. What event took place that I feel I need to do this to myself. And all I can think of or come up with is not feeling enough, not measuring up. But not to myself but to other people and I get angry at myself for still being obsessed with others view of me. Of wanting to impress to be loved to be accepted, to belong.
Though I know all in that instant its not enough if I'm not being me. I'm not even sure I know who that is anymore. I have all sudden felt as if I pushed under a rug all my issues and all of my work in weight loss in the past was more because I had the time to focus on it; not to fix anything.
I also question how am I able to promote loving yourself being yourself and accepting that, if I can't even do it for myself. I push to others that they are enough; and yet I don't even believe it half the time for myself. I keep saying when I get here or my mind set is I'll be here then and it will be enough. It's why I fear death so much, I'm afraid I'll fail at this thing called life and it will all be for not. Though as I said before, I know the only way I fail is to not try at all.
Life is meant to be lived, and how ironic its my greatest fear to live. Just because hey I might fail, may not get the timing right, or it just may not turn out like I envisioned it to be.
I've gotten pretty good at numbing myself down when I want to shut up all the brain noise in my head; when I limit myself to the container of life that I think I've got.
And I'm not even sure I know the answers now, or that I'm ok with not knowing them.
I'm always ok with being wrong, its part of life, and I guess in this moment I need to learn to be just be.
Let go of expectations, of myself or what I believe others have for me. To be present now, to basically say "Hello Darkness, my old friend," and not be at odds with what is.
Fixing things that aren't broke, doing the same thing over and over again (mind you with a few adjustments food for alcohol and alcohol for cough syrup) and expecting different results is truly the act of insanity.
Time to let go and let be, do the things to better my predicament and shape my future instead of ending it, and be in the now the best way I can be. The sober way.
Though my over analytical mind with a flair of wild imagine starts to work out the scenarios and make my logical side stop me in my tracks. Though not without some damage, and yet at the same time I feel like I'm over dramatizing this in my own head. Not the pain or the grief but the things I've done in the mean time since, and the things I haven't.
I have my moments of clarity of feeling like I'm about to break through this to a new chapter to a new start. I see the light and I embrace it all, and yet I feel myself get pulled back to where I once was feeling like a ghost of myself and yet it's easy its peaceful even if I don't feel like myself or feel anything at all. But a small sense of shame that saves me from myself, at least for the moment.
Almost 4 months seems like a life time ago, and yet seems like no time has passed at all. I've moved up in my job and I've also done things and made plans for months ahead. Yet I sit here some nights when I should be going to sleep, thinking of how I could go back to what I was doing; how simple it was. Coming back from it is not easy, and I regret every moment. But it doesn't stop me, its easier and cheaper then over eating, and yet I tend to go to food when I try to stop myself from doing it again, its the one thing that I decided was better then eating at all for a bit when I first started, because it made it easier, it made it more intense.
Yet I knew better; but some how I don't think for a long time it will ever not be in my mind to do, regardless of the harm it can cause. It's not alcohol, its cough syrup. While all I can say is that a random bored night of wanting to feel anything but sober became a week long experiment on how long or hard I could go and points at rite aid that got me things for free made it that much more simple to do. I figured out how a different type would make it not as high and even weeks later when doing it again a set of only PM because the dose was stronger would make me sleep through all but the last thirty minutes of the high.
I would only feel ashamed when I had to deal with being high and try to hide it when my mom was home, and to plan out requesting days off in the future of when she'd be out of town to plan to do it without questioning when she'd be home. Those of yet to pass and plans have been made to keep me out of the house and doing things so as not to indulged.
I write this all down, and want to mention how I went from that to taking 40 pills of melatonin cause I read it could get you high but just left me zombified tired for a day and half. Then recently doing more of the drug (that was in the cough syrup) in what we had and eating a ton of nutmeg because again I read a lot of it would make you high. And yet I wanna take all this back, and get stuff tomorrow on my day off to just lay in the dark of my bathroom blasting music in my ears, and never tell a soul.
I won't say this is all because of a death and my grief; I was dealing with trying to escape in some form way before I had him in my life. To be honest I think he gave me a purpose in my life that kept me from doing these things earlier. Though as I have done since forever, I turned to food and in turn shared that food with him, but my issues were bigger then food and well bigger then any bottle of any substance.
Food is the easier one, for me to be addicted to. To abuse, your body gains weight but you deal in some way because well your complacent by the food for at least a short time. Though it runs out of its power or you get tired of the results and you turn to other things. I've mentioned in the past when I drink I can't stand the long effects of over drinking the hangover as it were. Plus alcoholism runs in my family and I'm always too fearful of that reality to get caught up in it; and the taste isn't my favorite either. But just as food or alcohol; cough syrup or any type of over kill on pills or spices is the same thing. You feel like a pod person, and yet when your dealing with everything in the world and the one thing (person or animal) you had to help you through it is now gone you almost feel like feeling that way is best.
I get in my head and think what is wrong with me, what makes me do these things. What event took place that I feel I need to do this to myself. And all I can think of or come up with is not feeling enough, not measuring up. But not to myself but to other people and I get angry at myself for still being obsessed with others view of me. Of wanting to impress to be loved to be accepted, to belong.
Though I know all in that instant its not enough if I'm not being me. I'm not even sure I know who that is anymore. I have all sudden felt as if I pushed under a rug all my issues and all of my work in weight loss in the past was more because I had the time to focus on it; not to fix anything.
I also question how am I able to promote loving yourself being yourself and accepting that, if I can't even do it for myself. I push to others that they are enough; and yet I don't even believe it half the time for myself. I keep saying when I get here or my mind set is I'll be here then and it will be enough. It's why I fear death so much, I'm afraid I'll fail at this thing called life and it will all be for not. Though as I said before, I know the only way I fail is to not try at all.
Life is meant to be lived, and how ironic its my greatest fear to live. Just because hey I might fail, may not get the timing right, or it just may not turn out like I envisioned it to be.
I've gotten pretty good at numbing myself down when I want to shut up all the brain noise in my head; when I limit myself to the container of life that I think I've got.
And I'm not even sure I know the answers now, or that I'm ok with not knowing them.
I'm always ok with being wrong, its part of life, and I guess in this moment I need to learn to be just be.
Let go of expectations, of myself or what I believe others have for me. To be present now, to basically say "Hello Darkness, my old friend," and not be at odds with what is.
Fixing things that aren't broke, doing the same thing over and over again (mind you with a few adjustments food for alcohol and alcohol for cough syrup) and expecting different results is truly the act of insanity.
Time to let go and let be, do the things to better my predicament and shape my future instead of ending it, and be in the now the best way I can be. The sober way.
Wednesday, December 7, 2016
Time to pick up the pieces of a thing called life.
I don't know even where to start this post, what I should say or what I should leave out. It's been almost four months since my last post and in those days my life has utterly come crashing to the ground and changed around from what it has been. While the daily stuff has stayed the same, so much of it has changed. I deal with it ok most days and some days it's the worst thing in the world.
I kept pushing this post off knowing it was gonna make me cry, and it already has. But sometimes you need to let it go so here it all is. The good the bad, the ugly.
After my last post in August nothing much changed, I finally went on my trip to Colorado that I had booked at the end of the month for about four days. The trip was fantastic, I got to meet my newest second cousin and spend some much needed time with family. I didn't do much but it was a good break to have to quiet my brain or at least turn off my life for a minute and breath.
My mom let me know that my dog was being more lazy then normal and having issues with laying down or would lay one place and not move as much. We contributed most of it to him missing me and that was it.
I got home and usually he would come out to meet me when I get home from these trips, I came up to him in my room and his tail wagged like crazy but he didn't get up. Figured I'd give him few days. His walks got sluggish and he'd stop and lay down in the middle of them at the park and it would take a bit of coaxing to get him back up and home. Then one day he just wasn't wanting to go for a walk and just laid there and looked at me. I had only been home for about two weeks and felt like my life wasn't my own anymore. Work was more hours with my new promotion and I was coming home, not knowing what was happening with my dog.
So that day he wasn't up for his walk I called the vet and explained what was going on. They told me to go head and bring him in at 3pm. I took him out for short walk just to get him to pee and poop an not in my car which was a struggle as well, he stopped a lot and then we got back inside the apartment and he laid down not far inside and I laid with him and just was there for him. He seemed happy and leaned into me for love and pets, and then I had to fight with him to get him back out to my car. I had tired to use the pet cover in this new car and it fell apart on me so I didn't even bother with putting it up this time. He had gotten so use to it that he leaned his body against the back of the passenger seat, without the support of the cover he slid from the seat his butt headed toward the floor of the car and his body wedge between the seat back and the seat he had been just sitting on.
I panicked for have a second wanting to run around to open the door to the side he was and help him from there but I didn't want him struggling so climbed into the car and helped pull him up back on the seat were he laid on the seat and looked so uncomfortable.
I got him to the vet and when I tried to get him to come out of the car on his own he wouldn't budge, finally with some help I got him out to his hind legs sliding out from under him and kept trying to stand back up and would slid like a seal on the ground which at the time made me not know if I should cry out of sadness or slightly chuckle cause he looked funny doing it.
Thanks to a good man who's wife had seen me struggle to get him up, I could pick him up but I could not carry him. He was too heavy and I was not strong enough to do to both with his 90lbs. I felt like I failure that I could do this. We got him into the vet and they the rushed him in and go him water and were trying to cool his temperature they asked if he had been running or what had happened cause he was running high. They took some x-rays and gave us prescription for antibiotics and one to go get for pain meds.
A few days later at work I had a message from the vet saying I needed to call them back and I did and they told me about what looked like fluid in his chest or abdomen, and they wanted us to take him to a radiologist at another vet. We took him there that evening but they were gone for the day and so I came back with him the next day. I sat there most of the day waiting while the shaved his belly and did an ultrasound. They found he had masses inside all over including his liver, the doc recommended taking him in for observation saying he was probably worse then he looked and that there was possibility of his liver bleeding if we took a sample to try and test for lymphoma which they thought he could have. And the test could come back inconclusive, the money I had even with even opening a care credit account to pay for it wasn't enough to do more then let them do the sample which worked and to give liver pills to help. I couldn't afford to keep him there and I knew with how much he hated the vet or even going to get his nails done that he wouldn't want to be there anyways so I took him home. The doctor did say he seemed more alert once he was back with my mom and I when I asked the doctor to go over everything to make sure we understood it all.
For the next week we didn't take him on walks just to let his hind legs have rest and let him out to pee or poop on the patio and I struggled with feeding him his pills and making sure he ate. Sitting with him on the floor and sometimes spoon feeding him. Soon he's personality was coming back and he was moving around better, slower but better. He'd start to want to hop up on the couch for snuggles and beg for food again like the mooch butt he was. We started to take him on short walks around the complex and he'd still try most days to go the direction that lead us to the park but we knew it was too much for him. I remember telling him maybe in a few weeks if he kept getting better we could go to the park again one day. (Including the day before)
During this time of him getting better the doctor had called my mom to say the results didn't show conclusively that he had lymphoma and if he was indeed seeming to get better to continue with the pills and then go from there after based on him.
About a month later, I got home from work where I had been gone all day and opened the door to him laying right inside the entry way of the apartment where the kitchen wood ended and the carpet began and he looked up at me panting a bit but seemed so happy to see me. My mom told me she had to fight to get him up for his walk that he didn't seem into it. Got him as far out as the corner of our complex and he laid down, after he did his business. She struggled to get him back inside and then he laid down were he was when I got home. I made him his food after I changed out of my work clothes but he didn't seem interested in it either. I don't remember telling him this but my mom told me that I told him it was ok. I went to my room waiting on dinner and started to try and work on a Halloween makeup idea that I had. My mom called me for dinner and I remember watching him as I ate and he was watching me and his breath was off, I mentioned this to my mom and I don't remember what she even said about it. I tired to give him some of my food, a piece of chicken, some cheese he didn't want it. Didn't even sniff at it really just kept watching me.
After dinner I walked by him and since he was in the way of the hallway I stepped over him and wiggled my legs against his body before I went back to my room to continue to work on the Halloween idea (my bathroom is just inside my room where I was). I remember wanting something to drink and remembering my drink from dinner was still on the table and thought about going to get it. But I didn't. My mom called me at 8 when Once Upon a Time came on to ask if I was coming out to watch it, or if she could watch it with me. My makeup wasn't really turning out like I thought it would and I thought about saying give me a minute and wash it off to come out there. But I didn't, instead I said go ahead and watch it don't delete it. I wanted to see if I could make it look better, I got to the point of putting the wig on that had inspired the idea (Blue wig: Corpse Bride) and was still not loving the look, instead of washing it off and calling it quits and going out to join my mom or even check on Him I went to trying some of my paints (not face paint) to make it work.
It wasn't much after 9pm when my mom called and said you might wanna come out here I think he's passed. I came out and as much as your heart couldn't understand it or want to, your brain was telling you yes he was. His paws were cold, his eye glazed over and his body was still.
We found the address place we had took him to just a month ago that had done the ultrasounds on him and mom had asked (at that time) if they did take passed dogs in and they said yes for a fee. So my mom pulled the car around, I remember prior to that trying to close his eyes like they do to dead people in movies to close them but his didn't close. I wrapped him in a blanket and tried to pick him up with my mom to take him to the car but had to stop it was all too clear he had passed the weight was just different in his body now from when it was trying to pick him up when we were outside my car that day just a month or so ago. We got him to the car and me being the morbid person that I am asked my mom, how to do people do it? and she asked do what? I said carry dead bodies around when we can barley even get a 90lb dog to the car without struggling. (Hi I'm Chandler from friends, I make bad jokes or comments and inappropriate times to help deal)
The place we took him to had actually closed down, they merged with another one further up the street. My mom went in and I stayed out with him but not in the car outside it near the back where he was. My mom came back out saying they needed me to make decisions.
I came in and they were showing me prices of cremation and getting his ashes back, or just a group cremation and never getting them back. I couldn't afford the first and my mom mentioned putting on my care credit card and they said I could. But I did not want to be paying for his death for months on in. So I decided a group one, when I was looking at these options my mom went out with the vets and the gurney they had brought out and let them take him around back. Part of me wishes I could have said goodbye at the car before they did but I did give him a butt rub for the road as I waited for my mom to bring the car around earlier.
The rest of the night was quiet and we watched or rather I half watched the rest of our shows after a shower and then went to bed. Before I went to sleep I looked over at the spot he usually laid and saw the mark he had made in the carpet and remembered my post I made when I had come back from Colorado saying tomorrow this will be your view as you go to bed not suitcases and realized it would never be my view again. I lost it then for a good while trying to be semi quiet not to wake my mom or anyone else.
The first few weeks were so strange and horrible, I'd be ok for a few and then not the next. Coming home late or going to bed without him was the worst and still is most nights (more tired with my crazy work hours lately its not as noticeable most nights) and so is leaving most days for work because the apartment is so empty and I was so use to saying good bye to him before I left and I don't anymore its strange. I keep thinking I need to get a new dog, and that it will help my stress and loneliness. But I'm stilling paying Care Credit off or rather the vet for the ultra sound stuff from when they did the test and then our usual vet we had him on a health plan but its for a year and if we try to close it now we'd be paying out of pocket what they covered so I'm still paying that till May/June next year. So I think I'll wait till then to seriously start looking, as much as I'd love one for Christmas.
I feel direct-less most days, my work and stress get to me a lot the other day I just laid on his pillow I still haven't gotten rid of yet; the space is just too empty in my room to do so at the moment. and opened up to the stuffing area ( I had just washed the cover the day before) to smell him and just lay there and try to refocus on the moment. When I dream of him it helps but those dreams are sometimes far and few between.
My word on the outside hasn't really changed, but my life has completely flipped upside down from where it was back four months ago, hell three months ago when I was just fighting him to take his pills. Or the days before when we were sharing bell peppers and jicama and watching Billy Madison ( I almost lost it when I saw those in the fridge a few days after, still love them but don't eat them as often now).
I remember my brain trying to come to grips with the idea of it being real, I remember back when it all started to happened I had said I didn't think he'd making it through the year. I didn't wanna be right though, I remember asking my mom if we were sure he was dead two nights after and went to explain that I wasn't there when they took him. She reassured me she asked and they checked for a pulse and noticed his eyes were glazed over and yes he was indeed gone. I felt guilty for asking the vet to put his shots together back in Aug before I left for my dad's my mom had to console me on that one reminding me that they wouldn't have done that if they couldn't. I remember thinking every time the house phone rang there would a message from the vet saying hey he was just sick he's alive here's the bill. I wanted that outcome over reality.
There was a moment or day rather a few days after it all happened that I was out and a quote on a sign at Ross made me think he was talking to me and then at Albertson's a song. I remember the night he passed I posted an Instagram photo of him and tagged it "I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, forever my baby you'll be." The song was that came on the radio I looked up once I got the car its called: "Love you Forever," by Ryan Houston. I had never heard the song in my life. But the song speaks so much about him and me and it's silly since most would say he's just a dog but he was my friend, my partner in crime my fur baby even if I didn't like that name. The Chorus spoke the most since it goes "I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, for always together we'll be."
When I couldn't get sleep to become my life (Ever since my trip I'm tired by 11-12, am exhausted by 1pm if I fight it and my body is waking me up by 9am most mornings) I let work take over my time. Trying to do stuff to take the focus off him or just keep me away from being home and not having him there. I can't do that anymore. It stresses me out, my life is not my job and as much as I wish I didn't have to deal with his passing to get back to my life I keep being reminded every day or a few times a week by shows or articles on the internet or people about life and as much as I'm scared of the ultimate end I'm even more scared of it if I don't live it for all I've got. I fight with what I believe is waiting on me at the end of this whole thing and some times it paralyzes me in fear. But I know that if I don't live it well, by using the length and the width and making my body better at being able to live it well I'm not doing myself or even this world any favors.
As much as I'm looking forward to saying good bye to this year and starting a new one in a few short weeks. This year and all its craziness will be a favorite because it had him in it as the last 13 years did. I just need to make the ones going forward count too.
Thanks for reading.
I kept pushing this post off knowing it was gonna make me cry, and it already has. But sometimes you need to let it go so here it all is. The good the bad, the ugly.
After my last post in August nothing much changed, I finally went on my trip to Colorado that I had booked at the end of the month for about four days. The trip was fantastic, I got to meet my newest second cousin and spend some much needed time with family. I didn't do much but it was a good break to have to quiet my brain or at least turn off my life for a minute and breath.
My mom let me know that my dog was being more lazy then normal and having issues with laying down or would lay one place and not move as much. We contributed most of it to him missing me and that was it.
I got home and usually he would come out to meet me when I get home from these trips, I came up to him in my room and his tail wagged like crazy but he didn't get up. Figured I'd give him few days. His walks got sluggish and he'd stop and lay down in the middle of them at the park and it would take a bit of coaxing to get him back up and home. Then one day he just wasn't wanting to go for a walk and just laid there and looked at me. I had only been home for about two weeks and felt like my life wasn't my own anymore. Work was more hours with my new promotion and I was coming home, not knowing what was happening with my dog.
So that day he wasn't up for his walk I called the vet and explained what was going on. They told me to go head and bring him in at 3pm. I took him out for short walk just to get him to pee and poop an not in my car which was a struggle as well, he stopped a lot and then we got back inside the apartment and he laid down not far inside and I laid with him and just was there for him. He seemed happy and leaned into me for love and pets, and then I had to fight with him to get him back out to my car. I had tired to use the pet cover in this new car and it fell apart on me so I didn't even bother with putting it up this time. He had gotten so use to it that he leaned his body against the back of the passenger seat, without the support of the cover he slid from the seat his butt headed toward the floor of the car and his body wedge between the seat back and the seat he had been just sitting on.
I panicked for have a second wanting to run around to open the door to the side he was and help him from there but I didn't want him struggling so climbed into the car and helped pull him up back on the seat were he laid on the seat and looked so uncomfortable.
I got him to the vet and when I tried to get him to come out of the car on his own he wouldn't budge, finally with some help I got him out to his hind legs sliding out from under him and kept trying to stand back up and would slid like a seal on the ground which at the time made me not know if I should cry out of sadness or slightly chuckle cause he looked funny doing it.
Thanks to a good man who's wife had seen me struggle to get him up, I could pick him up but I could not carry him. He was too heavy and I was not strong enough to do to both with his 90lbs. I felt like I failure that I could do this. We got him into the vet and they the rushed him in and go him water and were trying to cool his temperature they asked if he had been running or what had happened cause he was running high. They took some x-rays and gave us prescription for antibiotics and one to go get for pain meds.
A few days later at work I had a message from the vet saying I needed to call them back and I did and they told me about what looked like fluid in his chest or abdomen, and they wanted us to take him to a radiologist at another vet. We took him there that evening but they were gone for the day and so I came back with him the next day. I sat there most of the day waiting while the shaved his belly and did an ultrasound. They found he had masses inside all over including his liver, the doc recommended taking him in for observation saying he was probably worse then he looked and that there was possibility of his liver bleeding if we took a sample to try and test for lymphoma which they thought he could have. And the test could come back inconclusive, the money I had even with even opening a care credit account to pay for it wasn't enough to do more then let them do the sample which worked and to give liver pills to help. I couldn't afford to keep him there and I knew with how much he hated the vet or even going to get his nails done that he wouldn't want to be there anyways so I took him home. The doctor did say he seemed more alert once he was back with my mom and I when I asked the doctor to go over everything to make sure we understood it all.
For the next week we didn't take him on walks just to let his hind legs have rest and let him out to pee or poop on the patio and I struggled with feeding him his pills and making sure he ate. Sitting with him on the floor and sometimes spoon feeding him. Soon he's personality was coming back and he was moving around better, slower but better. He'd start to want to hop up on the couch for snuggles and beg for food again like the mooch butt he was. We started to take him on short walks around the complex and he'd still try most days to go the direction that lead us to the park but we knew it was too much for him. I remember telling him maybe in a few weeks if he kept getting better we could go to the park again one day. (Including the day before)
During this time of him getting better the doctor had called my mom to say the results didn't show conclusively that he had lymphoma and if he was indeed seeming to get better to continue with the pills and then go from there after based on him.
About a month later, I got home from work where I had been gone all day and opened the door to him laying right inside the entry way of the apartment where the kitchen wood ended and the carpet began and he looked up at me panting a bit but seemed so happy to see me. My mom told me she had to fight to get him up for his walk that he didn't seem into it. Got him as far out as the corner of our complex and he laid down, after he did his business. She struggled to get him back inside and then he laid down were he was when I got home. I made him his food after I changed out of my work clothes but he didn't seem interested in it either. I don't remember telling him this but my mom told me that I told him it was ok. I went to my room waiting on dinner and started to try and work on a Halloween makeup idea that I had. My mom called me for dinner and I remember watching him as I ate and he was watching me and his breath was off, I mentioned this to my mom and I don't remember what she even said about it. I tired to give him some of my food, a piece of chicken, some cheese he didn't want it. Didn't even sniff at it really just kept watching me.
After dinner I walked by him and since he was in the way of the hallway I stepped over him and wiggled my legs against his body before I went back to my room to continue to work on the Halloween idea (my bathroom is just inside my room where I was). I remember wanting something to drink and remembering my drink from dinner was still on the table and thought about going to get it. But I didn't. My mom called me at 8 when Once Upon a Time came on to ask if I was coming out to watch it, or if she could watch it with me. My makeup wasn't really turning out like I thought it would and I thought about saying give me a minute and wash it off to come out there. But I didn't, instead I said go ahead and watch it don't delete it. I wanted to see if I could make it look better, I got to the point of putting the wig on that had inspired the idea (Blue wig: Corpse Bride) and was still not loving the look, instead of washing it off and calling it quits and going out to join my mom or even check on Him I went to trying some of my paints (not face paint) to make it work.
It wasn't much after 9pm when my mom called and said you might wanna come out here I think he's passed. I came out and as much as your heart couldn't understand it or want to, your brain was telling you yes he was. His paws were cold, his eye glazed over and his body was still.
We found the address place we had took him to just a month ago that had done the ultrasounds on him and mom had asked (at that time) if they did take passed dogs in and they said yes for a fee. So my mom pulled the car around, I remember prior to that trying to close his eyes like they do to dead people in movies to close them but his didn't close. I wrapped him in a blanket and tried to pick him up with my mom to take him to the car but had to stop it was all too clear he had passed the weight was just different in his body now from when it was trying to pick him up when we were outside my car that day just a month or so ago. We got him to the car and me being the morbid person that I am asked my mom, how to do people do it? and she asked do what? I said carry dead bodies around when we can barley even get a 90lb dog to the car without struggling. (Hi I'm Chandler from friends, I make bad jokes or comments and inappropriate times to help deal)
The place we took him to had actually closed down, they merged with another one further up the street. My mom went in and I stayed out with him but not in the car outside it near the back where he was. My mom came back out saying they needed me to make decisions.
I came in and they were showing me prices of cremation and getting his ashes back, or just a group cremation and never getting them back. I couldn't afford the first and my mom mentioned putting on my care credit card and they said I could. But I did not want to be paying for his death for months on in. So I decided a group one, when I was looking at these options my mom went out with the vets and the gurney they had brought out and let them take him around back. Part of me wishes I could have said goodbye at the car before they did but I did give him a butt rub for the road as I waited for my mom to bring the car around earlier.
The rest of the night was quiet and we watched or rather I half watched the rest of our shows after a shower and then went to bed. Before I went to sleep I looked over at the spot he usually laid and saw the mark he had made in the carpet and remembered my post I made when I had come back from Colorado saying tomorrow this will be your view as you go to bed not suitcases and realized it would never be my view again. I lost it then for a good while trying to be semi quiet not to wake my mom or anyone else.
The first few weeks were so strange and horrible, I'd be ok for a few and then not the next. Coming home late or going to bed without him was the worst and still is most nights (more tired with my crazy work hours lately its not as noticeable most nights) and so is leaving most days for work because the apartment is so empty and I was so use to saying good bye to him before I left and I don't anymore its strange. I keep thinking I need to get a new dog, and that it will help my stress and loneliness. But I'm stilling paying Care Credit off or rather the vet for the ultra sound stuff from when they did the test and then our usual vet we had him on a health plan but its for a year and if we try to close it now we'd be paying out of pocket what they covered so I'm still paying that till May/June next year. So I think I'll wait till then to seriously start looking, as much as I'd love one for Christmas.
I feel direct-less most days, my work and stress get to me a lot the other day I just laid on his pillow I still haven't gotten rid of yet; the space is just too empty in my room to do so at the moment. and opened up to the stuffing area ( I had just washed the cover the day before) to smell him and just lay there and try to refocus on the moment. When I dream of him it helps but those dreams are sometimes far and few between.
My word on the outside hasn't really changed, but my life has completely flipped upside down from where it was back four months ago, hell three months ago when I was just fighting him to take his pills. Or the days before when we were sharing bell peppers and jicama and watching Billy Madison ( I almost lost it when I saw those in the fridge a few days after, still love them but don't eat them as often now).
I remember my brain trying to come to grips with the idea of it being real, I remember back when it all started to happened I had said I didn't think he'd making it through the year. I didn't wanna be right though, I remember asking my mom if we were sure he was dead two nights after and went to explain that I wasn't there when they took him. She reassured me she asked and they checked for a pulse and noticed his eyes were glazed over and yes he was indeed gone. I felt guilty for asking the vet to put his shots together back in Aug before I left for my dad's my mom had to console me on that one reminding me that they wouldn't have done that if they couldn't. I remember thinking every time the house phone rang there would a message from the vet saying hey he was just sick he's alive here's the bill. I wanted that outcome over reality.
There was a moment or day rather a few days after it all happened that I was out and a quote on a sign at Ross made me think he was talking to me and then at Albertson's a song. I remember the night he passed I posted an Instagram photo of him and tagged it "I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, forever my baby you'll be." The song was that came on the radio I looked up once I got the car its called: "Love you Forever," by Ryan Houston. I had never heard the song in my life. But the song speaks so much about him and me and it's silly since most would say he's just a dog but he was my friend, my partner in crime my fur baby even if I didn't like that name. The Chorus spoke the most since it goes "I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, for always together we'll be."
When I couldn't get sleep to become my life (Ever since my trip I'm tired by 11-12, am exhausted by 1pm if I fight it and my body is waking me up by 9am most mornings) I let work take over my time. Trying to do stuff to take the focus off him or just keep me away from being home and not having him there. I can't do that anymore. It stresses me out, my life is not my job and as much as I wish I didn't have to deal with his passing to get back to my life I keep being reminded every day or a few times a week by shows or articles on the internet or people about life and as much as I'm scared of the ultimate end I'm even more scared of it if I don't live it for all I've got. I fight with what I believe is waiting on me at the end of this whole thing and some times it paralyzes me in fear. But I know that if I don't live it well, by using the length and the width and making my body better at being able to live it well I'm not doing myself or even this world any favors.
As much as I'm looking forward to saying good bye to this year and starting a new one in a few short weeks. This year and all its craziness will be a favorite because it had him in it as the last 13 years did. I just need to make the ones going forward count too.
Thanks for reading.
Friday, August 12, 2016
Life is funny like that...
Crazy how much can happen and change your plans in life in just a few months time. Saving for my trip from the last post seems miles away from the life I am in this moment.
Side note: I think I need to write more updates.
I was not quite there in savings but I was getting there and in the same instant trying not to stress myself out of not having enough money in time as well as getting back into the healthy life style game.
One was better than the other, the latter not being the winner. Though life likes to remind you sometimes you have no control of the outcomes of your days or weeks and you have to let go and just be and swing with the balls falling at you so speak (I'm horrible at sports metaphors).
My dog ended up having a skin tag on his stomach get infected just by the way it rubbed when he laid on it and it started to swell, our vet recommended taking it off so it wouldn't catch on anything. I admit I wasn't the most proactive about taking care of it, being that he was going on 13 years old and I didn't think he's age would be good to go under for surgery. Well, when it started to swell more and puss and bleed and he started being able to lick at it and make it worse things changed.
We got him antibiotics and cream to treat the infection while waiting on the consultation for the vet that would do the surgery since our normal one was going out for maternity leave. Turns out my dog has a small heart murmur as well and the vet was not comfortable putting him under, though the cream and antibiotic's seemed to shrink the mass down to more than a third of its size it got to and they were able to do non invasive surgery to remove it and test it (skin tag just as we thought). With this all happening my brain was in constant stress mode about the money for paying for it and what it meant for my trip and not being able to deal with just staying in the moment and wanting answers to move along, and everything went out the window health wise as well as trip (money saving went to my dogs needs just to be sure).
After it all settled out and we were reaching 2 weeks out for his post op appt. I rescheduled at least my trip home to see family in Colorado (just enough funds plus a bit extra). Around the same time I got a promotion at work, YAY! (Still causing stress at the moment with it not unfolding how I though, but I'm trying to be patience with it at the moment anyways.)
Settling back into the every day life I realized I needed to get back in the game plan of my health as well as just in general saving money, and just keeping the idea of my trip for next year or the year after with Boston attached this time if and when I had the money, no set date.
Then life happened once again two weeks later, I was leaving from work and yielding at a light that had just turned green for a SUV to tell me if it was going straight or turning on to the street making their own left as they came off the freeway across the intersection from me. When a white car who didn't see the red light blew through intersection and t-boned the SUV forcing it to flip into my car and land on the front part of my car on the driver side and then hit the ground next to me.
Gratefully everyone walked away from crash the couple in SUV were taken to the hospital with cuts and scrapes but seemed to be ok. Next day I went to the place my car was taken to sign paper work for them to process looking into seeing if it was fixable (which they already said probably not) and then to get a rental.
Within the week we founded out my car was indeed totaled (when SUV hit my car it snapped my suspension and push my transmission against the asphalt of the road making it look like a dogs chew toy) and after getting through with insurance about payment (loads of hoops) I was told I needed to be out of my rental by end of the week. Mom helped me greatly and talked with the dealership I had gotten my first car at and explained our situation when we got an email with the numbers and we ended up being able to get me a new version of the car I already have in the color that I saw after I had mine and knew if I ever were to update the one I had (the one I wanted to pay off and keep a while) that would the one thing I would change.
Insurance for getting the money to pay off the remainder of my totaled car became more hoops to jump through as well as trying to even get ahold of the insurance of (we believe) the person who caused the accident (who called me and I handed it over to our insurance) to get them to admit to fault etc. was a struggle and still is. And in the end we had to change insurance because for some reason they wanna only allow me to have my own policy and not be with my mom (paying her part of the bill) and pay a 500 dollar down payment to open policy (which today they said wasn't true when my mom cancelled them after we went back the old insurance agency we had) that we didn't have by last sat.
And my healthy lifestyle or weight loss has been worse of all with all the stress eating, taking out food choices and excess amount of soda and snack buying and not bringing lunch at work when I should have. And then sleeping crazy hours or not sleeping good hours at all.
..... but I digress...
The old car has been paid off, the check I got that was over what was owed on it has been used to finish the down payment to my new car. I walked away from accident unharmed with just a day of stiff muscles from the jostle of my car being pushed by the SUV landing almost in my lap. My brain analyzed and still does time to time how that scene could have changed for the worse so easily and in a weird way I'm grateful for it, it helps me remember to stay more aware and (not always) prevents sometimes my road rage when I'm in a rush or starving and tired (cranky) and driving through traffic.
My body has also reminded me with all this stress and chaotic sleep how important my health really is for me, or should be. And not for some hypothetical future or ideal life that could happen from it or within me living said life. ( I tell you, I have a wild imagination some nights before I fall asleep)
I've said it before, but it bears repeating.. I'm sick and tired of feeling sick and tired.
The truth is I know what needs to be done to change it and I just don't do it. The truth is I know the difference in how I feel now and how I did even just 30lbs ago. Let alone the additional 50lbs I lost back when I started the first time hardcore in 2008 (8 years ago today).
There is a lot of things I need to differently, I need to celebrate small victories. I need to make small changes that will add up big when I can't make big changes all the time (like making it to the gym 5 plus days a week) and most of all, realize that as cliché as it sounds the truth is in the saying. This is a lifestyle change, not a diet. Its for life.
So for now, I'm gonna start working on my life in changing the pieces in it to reflect the moment how of how I want it to be and how I can change it, if I hit a speed bump or a time when life says no not yet. I need to see that as a sign to move on from situation for time being and focus on what I can change, or even do to vent the stress or frustration of not being able to go where I wanna go in that situation at the moment. Instead of temporary fixes that in the end lead to other problems down the line.
Remind myself, I'm not saying "no" or "never" (or rather life isn't) I'm saying, not yet or soon. Just be patience even if as my dad would joke, "I'm not a doctor I don't have any."
Side note: I think I need to write more updates.
I was not quite there in savings but I was getting there and in the same instant trying not to stress myself out of not having enough money in time as well as getting back into the healthy life style game.
One was better than the other, the latter not being the winner. Though life likes to remind you sometimes you have no control of the outcomes of your days or weeks and you have to let go and just be and swing with the balls falling at you so speak (I'm horrible at sports metaphors).
My dog ended up having a skin tag on his stomach get infected just by the way it rubbed when he laid on it and it started to swell, our vet recommended taking it off so it wouldn't catch on anything. I admit I wasn't the most proactive about taking care of it, being that he was going on 13 years old and I didn't think he's age would be good to go under for surgery. Well, when it started to swell more and puss and bleed and he started being able to lick at it and make it worse things changed.
We got him antibiotics and cream to treat the infection while waiting on the consultation for the vet that would do the surgery since our normal one was going out for maternity leave. Turns out my dog has a small heart murmur as well and the vet was not comfortable putting him under, though the cream and antibiotic's seemed to shrink the mass down to more than a third of its size it got to and they were able to do non invasive surgery to remove it and test it (skin tag just as we thought). With this all happening my brain was in constant stress mode about the money for paying for it and what it meant for my trip and not being able to deal with just staying in the moment and wanting answers to move along, and everything went out the window health wise as well as trip (money saving went to my dogs needs just to be sure).
After it all settled out and we were reaching 2 weeks out for his post op appt. I rescheduled at least my trip home to see family in Colorado (just enough funds plus a bit extra). Around the same time I got a promotion at work, YAY! (Still causing stress at the moment with it not unfolding how I though, but I'm trying to be patience with it at the moment anyways.)
Settling back into the every day life I realized I needed to get back in the game plan of my health as well as just in general saving money, and just keeping the idea of my trip for next year or the year after with Boston attached this time if and when I had the money, no set date.
Then life happened once again two weeks later, I was leaving from work and yielding at a light that had just turned green for a SUV to tell me if it was going straight or turning on to the street making their own left as they came off the freeway across the intersection from me. When a white car who didn't see the red light blew through intersection and t-boned the SUV forcing it to flip into my car and land on the front part of my car on the driver side and then hit the ground next to me.
Gratefully everyone walked away from crash the couple in SUV were taken to the hospital with cuts and scrapes but seemed to be ok. Next day I went to the place my car was taken to sign paper work for them to process looking into seeing if it was fixable (which they already said probably not) and then to get a rental.
Within the week we founded out my car was indeed totaled (when SUV hit my car it snapped my suspension and push my transmission against the asphalt of the road making it look like a dogs chew toy) and after getting through with insurance about payment (loads of hoops) I was told I needed to be out of my rental by end of the week. Mom helped me greatly and talked with the dealership I had gotten my first car at and explained our situation when we got an email with the numbers and we ended up being able to get me a new version of the car I already have in the color that I saw after I had mine and knew if I ever were to update the one I had (the one I wanted to pay off and keep a while) that would the one thing I would change.
Insurance for getting the money to pay off the remainder of my totaled car became more hoops to jump through as well as trying to even get ahold of the insurance of (we believe) the person who caused the accident (who called me and I handed it over to our insurance) to get them to admit to fault etc. was a struggle and still is. And in the end we had to change insurance because for some reason they wanna only allow me to have my own policy and not be with my mom (paying her part of the bill) and pay a 500 dollar down payment to open policy (which today they said wasn't true when my mom cancelled them after we went back the old insurance agency we had) that we didn't have by last sat.
And my healthy lifestyle or weight loss has been worse of all with all the stress eating, taking out food choices and excess amount of soda and snack buying and not bringing lunch at work when I should have. And then sleeping crazy hours or not sleeping good hours at all.
..... but I digress...
The old car has been paid off, the check I got that was over what was owed on it has been used to finish the down payment to my new car. I walked away from accident unharmed with just a day of stiff muscles from the jostle of my car being pushed by the SUV landing almost in my lap. My brain analyzed and still does time to time how that scene could have changed for the worse so easily and in a weird way I'm grateful for it, it helps me remember to stay more aware and (not always) prevents sometimes my road rage when I'm in a rush or starving and tired (cranky) and driving through traffic.
My body has also reminded me with all this stress and chaotic sleep how important my health really is for me, or should be. And not for some hypothetical future or ideal life that could happen from it or within me living said life. ( I tell you, I have a wild imagination some nights before I fall asleep)
I've said it before, but it bears repeating.. I'm sick and tired of feeling sick and tired.
The truth is I know what needs to be done to change it and I just don't do it. The truth is I know the difference in how I feel now and how I did even just 30lbs ago. Let alone the additional 50lbs I lost back when I started the first time hardcore in 2008 (8 years ago today).
There is a lot of things I need to differently, I need to celebrate small victories. I need to make small changes that will add up big when I can't make big changes all the time (like making it to the gym 5 plus days a week) and most of all, realize that as cliché as it sounds the truth is in the saying. This is a lifestyle change, not a diet. Its for life.
So for now, I'm gonna start working on my life in changing the pieces in it to reflect the moment how of how I want it to be and how I can change it, if I hit a speed bump or a time when life says no not yet. I need to see that as a sign to move on from situation for time being and focus on what I can change, or even do to vent the stress or frustration of not being able to go where I wanna go in that situation at the moment. Instead of temporary fixes that in the end lead to other problems down the line.
Remind myself, I'm not saying "no" or "never" (or rather life isn't) I'm saying, not yet or soon. Just be patience even if as my dad would joke, "I'm not a doctor I don't have any."
Sunday, April 24, 2016
Back at it again, at this thing called life.
Distractions are inevitable in life, but sometimes they can take all of your focus away from a task or life. Sometimes they're helpful to reduce stress and come to a peace in a time where you need to let go of things and the only way how is to turn your mind off or on to something else.
Or in my case take the last 20-30mins to look at things online instead of coming here to type this post, and then struggle to get comfortable as you type and thinking about moving from the normal laying on the floor with your laptop back to the couch again..
There is just pure I don't give a shit moments, that turn into days or weeks.
There is my over-analytical brain trying to rationalize every single thought or idea about said situations or the ten to thousand situations or out comes around said issue.
Most on things that will not come to pass yet, or probably ever will.
So much so that I make my life into this big old waiting game of life that doesn't solve anything. And wonder the constant question, I think a lot of us ask.
I need to lose the extra weight, its holding me back plain and simple. I again as I stated above I know what needs to be done do this, and really I just need to stop being so lazy and talking myself out of it, and do those things. It won't always be the thing I want to be doing, but the results will help me far more than just, being confident in how I look. I won't be "literally" weighed down by it in my life anymore.
I need to do this not for the liking of others or the possible a guy that I could meet, to be honest part of me feels that if I was more ok in how I looked (shallow as it is) that I would be able to come across more myself than I do now, and people would see that and I could possible attract people differently. (This isn't against anyone this is just my opinion of myself because I do feel so out of place in my body at the weight it's at.)
Its a small piece of the puzzle I know, but when growing up dealing with extra weight to dealing with it as adult, and when it got out of hand and you didn't know any better or I just choose not to see it becoming a problem. But I feel like if I can get a handle of it and not feel all the pressure of my body feeling out of sync with who I am it will only better my life in the long run, both physically and mentally.
Another piece to said puzzle of life is exploring my world outside the walls and life I've built in California. My life is here because I've made it here, but a lot of the time I feel like perhaps my "home" isn't here. Not to bag on it or say its horrible (minus the CA Summer months; a hot weather girl I am not) but I live here, I play here with my friends, and while I do live with my mother at the moment and I feel at home with her, I don't feel like I've necessarily made California home either and Colorado at the moment doesn't feel much closer to it either.
But like I mentioned above I want to travel and open up my options a bit. I wanna visit family again and meet my newest 2nd cousin. I want to finally cash in (figuratively at the moment) my chips for that Boston trip (Massachusetts/ Concord area really) that I've been planning off and on since 2013-4.
Perhaps in the long run I might start making this week of Colorado and Boston trip (Four days in each state) a bi-annual thing or whatever works in my budget once I get back into school after I get back from the first one I'm saving and planning for in September.
Scared doesn't even began to define my feelings on these things. I've talked myself in and out of the travel plans many times, I've talked myself in and out of losing weight, of feeling confident in being a curvy girl to feeling bad for being over weight (or fat). And I've gotten down on my self for being lazy about my weight and fitness a number of times and it does no good.
So time to change things up a bit and try to live my life the best way I got.
Or in my case take the last 20-30mins to look at things online instead of coming here to type this post, and then struggle to get comfortable as you type and thinking about moving from the normal laying on the floor with your laptop back to the couch again..
I have been processing this post for awhile now, probably sense my last one, and most of March. Which I guess says a lot since its well, almost May.
I felt like when Chandler proposed to Monica on FRIENDS and he was so worried about where he said it, or how it said it, or what he said, that instead he made her believe marriage was the last thing on his mind.
My life in a nut shell sometimes. I feel like I've written this post a thousand times, and said this stuff a hundred more times than that. I know what I need to do to make a change in my life for the better, and my choices mostly out of pure laziness seem to have me going down this drain round about cycle of what by definition would be insanity. (Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.)
When I start to make plans to visit family I don't feel guilty about making them, but when I decided I'd rather not spend a full week back in Colorado on the twin bed at my Dad's house again and would rather only come out for a few day and then finally make my Boston trip afterword's I start to feel guilty. Guilty that I should be saving for school to go back and get my degree, to finally move out on my own. I should start to take that money and pay off my car or I should help my mom out more than I do. I should, I should, I should.
It's tiring really to get into that mind set, and I do it a lot with all the ideas I get in my head, and that's when I really need to disconnect, from the web, from the world, from life. And then guess what happens. I feel guilty for that. Though recently I've gotten so frustrated at myself when I can say I know what I need to do and I know what I want to do in life, and yet I can't quite managed to find that peace and stillness inside myself to handle the balance of both sets of wants and needs in my life.
I've tried to figure out what makes me do this, why I am this way. I've come to realize there is only habits from lack of knowledge that I let continue. There is just pure I don't give a shit moments, that turn into days or weeks.
There is my over-analytical brain trying to rationalize every single thought or idea about said situations or the ten to thousand situations or out comes around said issue.
Most on things that will not come to pass yet, or probably ever will.
So much so that I make my life into this big old waiting game of life that doesn't solve anything. And wonder the constant question, I think a lot of us ask.
When will my life begin?
The one thing I've embraced is that I know that this is really a silly question, because your life is happening right now. This all around us. It doesn't wait for some big moment, or some grand scheme of your beautiful mind to come to fore-wishing. It as one of my favorite quotesfrom the movie "A Lot like Love.": Life is all around us happening now, it doesn't wait for you to get back on your feet. (I may be paraphrasing on that bit..)
For some reason even though I knew this and tried my best to live by it, I still felt like I was waiting for that opportune moment, that sign that said hey you ready now, or its time. Perhaps it was even maybe the permission given to me that I needed. But like I've said a lot in life I tend to lived in my head about things, and that includes a major one that is horrible to admit and I know we all do it.
I care a little too much about what people think about the things I say or do in my life.
Don't get me wrong, if its a strong belief I am a passionate person and I stick with it and deal with it, but I get so stuck in the ability of just analyzing (again) what people may say or think if I say or do the wrong thing.
Or perhaps even the right thing, that I start to look outside myself for guidance in life more times than I should. Or in opinions or ideas that while nice to have the outside perspective I tend to jump the gun to even hear if it sounds like a good idea to others instead of just working it out myself and seeing what comes to pass with it and just letting it be my own thing.
After all this is my life, and if I'm only gonna get one shot at it why in the world should I wait for anyone else's permission but my own to live it right.
Right now the biggest thing I think I can give myself, is the ability to be ok with not being ok. To be just fine in the present moment of this is what it is. It's not bad, its not good; its life.
Taking a step day by day towards where I will find the most happiness is what I'm after, the most peace where my brain can just go "that's it."
There are a few things I know for sure (yes one of these again)
I need to lose the extra weight, its holding me back plain and simple. I again as I stated above I know what needs to be done do this, and really I just need to stop being so lazy and talking myself out of it, and do those things. It won't always be the thing I want to be doing, but the results will help me far more than just, being confident in how I look. I won't be "literally" weighed down by it in my life anymore.
I don't want this to be my main struggle in life for the rest of my life. I want it get the weight off and I want to better my health in a way that I can balance the foods that aren't the best for you with the mixture of the ones that are and a workout or activity plan that keeps me at a healthy weight in my life for the future I got in store for me.
I need to do this not for the liking of others or the possible a guy that I could meet, to be honest part of me feels that if I was more ok in how I looked (shallow as it is) that I would be able to come across more myself than I do now, and people would see that and I could possible attract people differently. (This isn't against anyone this is just my opinion of myself because I do feel so out of place in my body at the weight it's at.)
Its a small piece of the puzzle I know, but when growing up dealing with extra weight to dealing with it as adult, and when it got out of hand and you didn't know any better or I just choose not to see it becoming a problem. But I feel like if I can get a handle of it and not feel all the pressure of my body feeling out of sync with who I am it will only better my life in the long run, both physically and mentally.
Another piece to said puzzle of life is exploring my world outside the walls and life I've built in California. My life is here because I've made it here, but a lot of the time I feel like perhaps my "home" isn't here. Not to bag on it or say its horrible (minus the CA Summer months; a hot weather girl I am not) but I live here, I play here with my friends, and while I do live with my mother at the moment and I feel at home with her, I don't feel like I've necessarily made California home either and Colorado at the moment doesn't feel much closer to it either.
But like I mentioned above I want to travel and open up my options a bit. I wanna visit family again and meet my newest 2nd cousin. I want to finally cash in (figuratively at the moment) my chips for that Boston trip (Massachusetts/ Concord area really) that I've been planning off and on since 2013-4.
I wanna strengthen my connections to my family, while its been a little over a year since I visited them. I feel more happy since I went with that connection. Though small, and being able to keep in contact on Facebook helps too.
Massachusetts has just been a place that the more I hear about it, from the people to the events to the towns themselves to perhaps some apartment kitchen I feel in love with and need to see in person I just wanna go out there and see what it's like. Plus I kinda love the idea of just dropping everything here for a few days and disconnecting in a state where I'm not known, where I can come and go as I please. Make some friends and some stories to tell, or keep all to myself.
Scared doesn't even began to define my feelings on these things. I've talked myself in and out of the travel plans many times, I've talked myself in and out of losing weight, of feeling confident in being a curvy girl to feeling bad for being over weight (or fat). And I've gotten down on my self for being lazy about my weight and fitness a number of times and it does no good.
So time to change things up a bit and try to live my life the best way I got.
Tuesday, February 9, 2016
Ahh... Just Breathe (A Space to Leave it for Awhile)
I have done a lot of these posts in the past of lists of things to look forward to, though I don't think I have every taken some of them apart and explained them like I'm about to do.
I have all this stuff rolling around in my head and I figure if I get this out and written down my brain will quiet down for a bit and I can focus more on being present and working towards
these things in my life the best I can.
So in no real order here are some things I know for sure:
1) there is a point in my life that I wanna live on my own; pay my own bills and live with just me and maybe a dog or two (perhaps a dog and cat) and worry only about that in my life. At least for a year.. just to say I can live on my own two feet, and I have.
2) Go back to school, I spent a good amount of my life trying to figure out what the world wanted to make me into, instead of what I wanted to make myself in. So worried about belonging and also not being able to be stuck in a box I never really went that far. My current job now, has reminded me of a first love of teaching that someone how in the little kid mind of 5 years old I knew I wanted to be right after I started school; it means more to me to teach the kids at my work then any other thing I do there. So I need to get back to classes and get my degree so I can teach my own class.
3) Goal of mine this year is to start to create more, drawling or writing or just making things out of nothing. Its my little niche of quiet that I get when I'm just in the moment writing or painting that I cherish and want more of in my life to help me in the day to day. I got so obsessed with trying to be perfect in both and waiting for inspiration to hit that I never let it just start to come out on its own, and see what happened.
4) I want get back into reading books more currently, I have a stack of borrowed and my own I need to get through and I have already spied so many at the store and have stopped my self from buying them as well. On the flip side of this I have a longer list of movies I wanna see from the past two years or so. I use to be a Redbox junkie. I have fallen off that bandwagon and I need to catch up.
5) Save money: not just for school but for my future life. Yes its always good to have money for that rainy day as well as I'd like to donate more: not just in funds but in my time as well in doing walks for research or even perhaps one day a run? (not sure on that last part yet)
6) Travel: I wanna see so much of this world around me. Still have Boston on my list as well as New York and many other countries as well. Plus I wanna start taking bi-annual perhaps annual depending on how I can swing it trips to see my family in Colorado again. Keep the connection stronger than I let it become over the years after I graduated high school.
7) Learn: this falls in school category but this part isn't about the teaching degree. I wanna learn languages and an instrument (piano).Plus I wanna be more informed in current events and learn more about the world and what's going on, on all sides of the earth.
8) Random: continue to grow my hair out: I wish it to hit the bottom of my ribs. I want to eat at the blue bayou in Disneyland (perhaps for my 30th birthday). I wanna dance more, get more tattoos (Disney related perhaps), Take more photos that just don't end up as some square on Instagram post. And also see more live theater/musicals and go to more museums.
9) Need to create a sleeping pattern that is more constant then I have at the moment; Listen more and react less. Do all things more so with good intentions not just because I "should" be more positive and less negative; shh the complaints and celebrate more in life with people the good times and the let go of the stress of things that come to pass that aren't so great, the days that are overwhelming and stressful. Remind myself that adulthood is just a frame of mind we all feel like we have no idea what were doing. We only seem like adults on the outside its all about perspective. I wanna lend a helping had were I can but also balance that with living my life to the fullest I can, and remind myself that while I work on myself not to talk down about myself or others all about body positivity. Plus take the moment to be more in the moment, mediate more. And remind myself to be a little silly and goofy more often as well. Showing I care, or helping those out and being there for others or being sensitive and emotional about things doesn't mean I'm weak either.
10) Weight Loss: Perhaps my biggest hurdle in my life and a constant back and forth yo-yo of a span of the last 7 years of my life (started the big gains and lost back in Aug. 2008) and perhaps reason why I started this post back in January and when I got to this number I stopped and kept coming back to the post after a few days/weeks and re read it all and then would walk away the moment I started to think about what to say here.
In a nut shell I let one of my biggest fears become my actual life. I was so scared of doing anything I was interested in or becoming anything I wanted to become not just in fear of what others may think (because if I believe in something/someone enough or my ability I don't care I go for it) of what that made me or who I was, but in doing said things I'd missed out on other opportunities. Other amazing things or people that life had to offer. That I did nothing I didn't have to do, unless it was extremely necessary or important to me to do so. That way I couldn't regret it, I didn't try and fail I didn't miss out on anything because I wasn't doing anything.
And I would wonder why I would get jealous of others and compare myself to where my life was verses theirs or wonder why I didn't have what they had, and would feel less than, and instead of realizing it was me who needed to change I thought it was me against the world.
I needed to be someone completely different, but yet in the same instant I didn't know how to fake it. Not well enough, not with enough self esteem to not feel see through and silly and stupid for trying and then just giving up and not going anywhere.
I ate to cope, when the world seemed so against me and when I felt like I couldn't belong, I found it in food. And when I finally got the taste for alcohol in 2013 I felt myself use that as well, not too the degree in which I ate, but I had my moments in the last year or so. Drinking isn't an issue for me I can take it or leave it, mostly because unlike food when I eat too much give me an hour or two or let me sleep and I feel better in the morning. Alcohol not so much, I've learnt I enjoy a beer or mix drink or two when having dinner out or at a party with family or friends, what have you. But heavy drinking is not my thing, even moderate drinking isn't my thing either.
But with that in mind I've seen how much the parallels of the worlds of food and drinking can become with your addicted to them, or when you already are to one and see it start to become with the other. My drug of choice ( I say this with serious but humor) is food, and I wanna change it, I believe I went to the other side when trying to be healthy in the last few years and would go to the extremes. Counting every calorie obsessing over the foods I would eat or the amount of workouts I would do.
Any it never seemed to be enough, so I would slip back into old habits of eating what did make it seem ok, because food is good it makes me happy (which I have given too much control over me). I'll never be one who doesn't like to eat and enjoy all the flavors of the world, and try something new.
This time, ( I feel like I should phrase that differently..) I'm going for the balance of the workouts the balance of the good and bad for me foods, perhaps make it so that I'm eating opposite of what I have been, where its mostly junk and a few healthy items thrown in when I feel it's needed. Flip it to mostly healthy with a few junk items thrown in when needed.
I have a time line written out on points I wanna meet along the way instead of just half way and goal esp. since I need to lose about 170lbs. (I'm 334lbs last time I weighed in back in January) I hoping it will help me this time to space out my weight loss progress as well as keep me in check along the way.
In the same token while I'd rather lose it and be done, I know it will take time and I'm ok with that but I want to be in a healthy range which would be 174-164 for me (aka the 170lbs lost) and my goal is to be there by my 30th birthday (I turn 28 in May).
So as the say in Mulan : LETS GET DOWN TO BUSSINESS!
I have all this stuff rolling around in my head and I figure if I get this out and written down my brain will quiet down for a bit and I can focus more on being present and working towards
these things in my life the best I can.
So in no real order here are some things I know for sure:
1) there is a point in my life that I wanna live on my own; pay my own bills and live with just me and maybe a dog or two (perhaps a dog and cat) and worry only about that in my life. At least for a year.. just to say I can live on my own two feet, and I have.
2) Go back to school, I spent a good amount of my life trying to figure out what the world wanted to make me into, instead of what I wanted to make myself in. So worried about belonging and also not being able to be stuck in a box I never really went that far. My current job now, has reminded me of a first love of teaching that someone how in the little kid mind of 5 years old I knew I wanted to be right after I started school; it means more to me to teach the kids at my work then any other thing I do there. So I need to get back to classes and get my degree so I can teach my own class.
3) Goal of mine this year is to start to create more, drawling or writing or just making things out of nothing. Its my little niche of quiet that I get when I'm just in the moment writing or painting that I cherish and want more of in my life to help me in the day to day. I got so obsessed with trying to be perfect in both and waiting for inspiration to hit that I never let it just start to come out on its own, and see what happened.
4) I want get back into reading books more currently, I have a stack of borrowed and my own I need to get through and I have already spied so many at the store and have stopped my self from buying them as well. On the flip side of this I have a longer list of movies I wanna see from the past two years or so. I use to be a Redbox junkie. I have fallen off that bandwagon and I need to catch up.
5) Save money: not just for school but for my future life. Yes its always good to have money for that rainy day as well as I'd like to donate more: not just in funds but in my time as well in doing walks for research or even perhaps one day a run? (not sure on that last part yet)
6) Travel: I wanna see so much of this world around me. Still have Boston on my list as well as New York and many other countries as well. Plus I wanna start taking bi-annual perhaps annual depending on how I can swing it trips to see my family in Colorado again. Keep the connection stronger than I let it become over the years after I graduated high school.
7) Learn: this falls in school category but this part isn't about the teaching degree. I wanna learn languages and an instrument (piano).Plus I wanna be more informed in current events and learn more about the world and what's going on, on all sides of the earth.
8) Random: continue to grow my hair out: I wish it to hit the bottom of my ribs. I want to eat at the blue bayou in Disneyland (perhaps for my 30th birthday). I wanna dance more, get more tattoos (Disney related perhaps), Take more photos that just don't end up as some square on Instagram post. And also see more live theater/musicals and go to more museums.
9) Need to create a sleeping pattern that is more constant then I have at the moment; Listen more and react less. Do all things more so with good intentions not just because I "should" be more positive and less negative; shh the complaints and celebrate more in life with people the good times and the let go of the stress of things that come to pass that aren't so great, the days that are overwhelming and stressful. Remind myself that adulthood is just a frame of mind we all feel like we have no idea what were doing. We only seem like adults on the outside its all about perspective. I wanna lend a helping had were I can but also balance that with living my life to the fullest I can, and remind myself that while I work on myself not to talk down about myself or others all about body positivity. Plus take the moment to be more in the moment, mediate more. And remind myself to be a little silly and goofy more often as well. Showing I care, or helping those out and being there for others or being sensitive and emotional about things doesn't mean I'm weak either.
10) Weight Loss: Perhaps my biggest hurdle in my life and a constant back and forth yo-yo of a span of the last 7 years of my life (started the big gains and lost back in Aug. 2008) and perhaps reason why I started this post back in January and when I got to this number I stopped and kept coming back to the post after a few days/weeks and re read it all and then would walk away the moment I started to think about what to say here.
In a nut shell I let one of my biggest fears become my actual life. I was so scared of doing anything I was interested in or becoming anything I wanted to become not just in fear of what others may think (because if I believe in something/someone enough or my ability I don't care I go for it) of what that made me or who I was, but in doing said things I'd missed out on other opportunities. Other amazing things or people that life had to offer. That I did nothing I didn't have to do, unless it was extremely necessary or important to me to do so. That way I couldn't regret it, I didn't try and fail I didn't miss out on anything because I wasn't doing anything.
And I would wonder why I would get jealous of others and compare myself to where my life was verses theirs or wonder why I didn't have what they had, and would feel less than, and instead of realizing it was me who needed to change I thought it was me against the world.
I needed to be someone completely different, but yet in the same instant I didn't know how to fake it. Not well enough, not with enough self esteem to not feel see through and silly and stupid for trying and then just giving up and not going anywhere.
I ate to cope, when the world seemed so against me and when I felt like I couldn't belong, I found it in food. And when I finally got the taste for alcohol in 2013 I felt myself use that as well, not too the degree in which I ate, but I had my moments in the last year or so. Drinking isn't an issue for me I can take it or leave it, mostly because unlike food when I eat too much give me an hour or two or let me sleep and I feel better in the morning. Alcohol not so much, I've learnt I enjoy a beer or mix drink or two when having dinner out or at a party with family or friends, what have you. But heavy drinking is not my thing, even moderate drinking isn't my thing either.
But with that in mind I've seen how much the parallels of the worlds of food and drinking can become with your addicted to them, or when you already are to one and see it start to become with the other. My drug of choice ( I say this with serious but humor) is food, and I wanna change it, I believe I went to the other side when trying to be healthy in the last few years and would go to the extremes. Counting every calorie obsessing over the foods I would eat or the amount of workouts I would do.
Any it never seemed to be enough, so I would slip back into old habits of eating what did make it seem ok, because food is good it makes me happy (which I have given too much control over me). I'll never be one who doesn't like to eat and enjoy all the flavors of the world, and try something new.
This time, ( I feel like I should phrase that differently..) I'm going for the balance of the workouts the balance of the good and bad for me foods, perhaps make it so that I'm eating opposite of what I have been, where its mostly junk and a few healthy items thrown in when I feel it's needed. Flip it to mostly healthy with a few junk items thrown in when needed.
I have a time line written out on points I wanna meet along the way instead of just half way and goal esp. since I need to lose about 170lbs. (I'm 334lbs last time I weighed in back in January) I hoping it will help me this time to space out my weight loss progress as well as keep me in check along the way.
In the same token while I'd rather lose it and be done, I know it will take time and I'm ok with that but I want to be in a healthy range which would be 174-164 for me (aka the 170lbs lost) and my goal is to be there by my 30th birthday (I turn 28 in May).
So as the say in Mulan : LETS GET DOWN TO BUSSINESS!
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