Come what may..

I wish I could say that in the last few months I have found motivation, I have been inspired to live my life for the person my dog thought I was. Though I've had my moments of trying, I've had my moments of feeling like the floor fell out from beneath me and made me realize I hadn't gone far enough down, my rock bottom still wasn't found yet.  And yet it didn't scare me, part of me for a hot minute wanted to test it; wanted to see how far down it could go.

Though my over analytical mind with a flair of wild imagine starts to work out the scenarios and make my logical side stop me in my tracks. Though not without some damage, and yet at the same time I feel like I'm over dramatizing this in my own head.  Not the pain or the grief but the things I've done in the mean time since, and the things I haven't.

I have my moments of clarity of feeling like I'm about to break through this to a new chapter to a new start. I see the light and I embrace it all, and yet I feel myself get pulled back to where I once was feeling like a ghost of myself and yet it's easy its peaceful even if I don't feel like myself or feel anything at all. But a small sense of shame that saves me from myself, at least for the moment.

Almost 4 months seems like a life time ago, and yet seems like no time has passed at all. I've moved up in my job and I've also done things and made plans for months ahead. Yet I sit here some nights when I should be going to sleep, thinking of how I could go back to what I was doing; how simple it was. Coming back from it is not easy, and I regret every moment. But it doesn't stop me, its easier and cheaper then over eating, and yet I tend to go to food when I try to stop myself from doing it again, its the one thing that I decided was better then eating at all for a bit when I first started, because it made it easier, it made it more intense.

Yet I knew better; but some how I don't think for a long time it will ever not be in my mind to do, regardless of the harm it can cause. It's not alcohol, its cough syrup. While all I can say is that a random bored night of wanting to feel anything but sober became a week long experiment on how long or hard I could go and points at rite aid that got me things for free made it that much more simple to do. I figured out how a different type would make it not as high and even weeks later when doing it again a set of only PM because the dose was stronger would make me sleep through all but the last thirty minutes of the high.

I would only feel ashamed when I had to deal with being high and try to hide it when my mom was home, and to plan out requesting days off in the future of when she'd be out of town to plan to do it without questioning when she'd be home. Those of yet to pass and plans have been made to keep me out of the house and doing things so as not to indulged.

I write this all down, and want to mention how I went from that to taking 40 pills of melatonin cause I read it could get you high but just left me zombified tired for a day and half. Then recently doing more of the drug (that was in the cough syrup) in what we had and eating a ton of nutmeg because again I read a lot of it would make you high. And yet I wanna take all this back, and get stuff tomorrow on my day off to just lay in the dark of my bathroom blasting music in my ears, and never tell a soul.

I won't say this is all because of a death and my grief; I was dealing with trying to escape in some form way before I had him in my life. To be honest I think he gave me a purpose in my life that kept me from doing these things earlier. Though as I have done since forever, I turned to food and in turn shared that food with him, but my issues were bigger then food and well bigger then any bottle of any substance.

Food is the easier one, for me to be addicted to. To abuse, your body gains weight but you deal in some way because well your complacent by the food for at least a short time. Though it runs out of its power or you get tired of the results and you turn to other things. I've mentioned in the past when I drink I can't stand the long effects of over drinking the hangover as it were. Plus alcoholism runs in my family and I'm always too fearful of that reality to get caught up in it; and the taste isn't my favorite either. But just as food or alcohol; cough syrup or any type of over kill on pills or spices is the same thing. You feel like a pod person, and yet when your dealing with everything in the world and the one thing (person or animal) you had to help you through it is now gone you almost feel like feeling that way is best.

I get in my head and think what is wrong with me, what makes me do these things. What event took place that I feel I need to do this to myself. And all I can think of or come up with is not feeling enough, not measuring up. But not to myself but to other people and I get angry at myself for still being obsessed with others view of me. Of wanting to impress to be loved to be accepted, to belong.

Though I know all in that instant its not enough if I'm not being me. I'm not even sure I know who that is anymore. I have all sudden felt as if I pushed under a rug all my issues and all of my work in weight loss in the past was more because I had the time to focus on it; not to fix anything.

I also question how am I able to promote loving yourself being yourself and accepting that, if I can't even do it for myself. I push to others that they are enough; and yet I don't even believe it half the time for myself. I keep saying when I get here or my mind set is I'll be here then and it will be enough. It's why I fear death so much, I'm afraid I'll fail at this thing called life and it will all be for not. Though as I said before, I know the only way I fail is to not try at all.

Life is meant to be lived, and how ironic its my greatest fear to live. Just because hey I might fail, may not get the timing right, or it just may not turn out like I envisioned it to be.

I've gotten pretty good at numbing myself down when I want to shut up all the brain noise in my head; when I limit myself to the container of life that I think I've got.

And I'm not even sure I know the answers now, or that I'm ok with not knowing them.
I'm always ok with being wrong, its part of life, and I guess in this moment I need to learn to be just be.

Let go of expectations, of myself or what I believe others have for me. To be present now, to basically say "Hello Darkness, my old friend," and not be at odds with what is.
Fixing things that aren't broke, doing the same thing over and over again (mind you with a few adjustments food for alcohol and alcohol for cough syrup) and expecting different results is truly the act of insanity.

Time to let go and let be, do the things to better my predicament and shape my future instead of ending it, and be in the now the best way I can be. The sober way.