Need to get out of my own head.....(this is only half the battle)

Stuck or limbo like existence perhaps is where I am at, I'm even at a lost to how to even start this post and I think with everything I wrote last post or two I was just focused on getting through on getting by after I realized that this year was almost up and what did I have to show for it. Yes I still have my job, but barley (two months down only 4 more to go till I'm off finale warning) and while its better like always there are good days and bad days.

With thanksgiving getting closer I was getting excited for the holiday season because I love this time of year, but once I started to take the decorations out for Christmas and we had turkey day dinner and I put all the Christmas décor out that day with my schedule being crazy at work (not getting off till sunset/or dark outside) and I wanted a good month of lights- besides snow (which I don't get) they are a favorite part of the holiday season. The excitement wore off, and ever sense I'm back in this glum of a static existence of sorts.

I've been thinking about my weight a lot these days, mostly because its become a hindrance more each day I've noticed. I feel more sluggish and the stairs seem to be harder to climb and not the mention that when it comes to field trips or just in general trying to talk to someone after I climb the stairs forget about it.  I feel the physical issues every day and try to ignore them most of the time I get by with that, but every time I look in the mirror or go through photos of a party with friends I was at I get that reminder of what I've let myself become. I don't like it I'm not comfortable this way physically and emotionally.

I feel like you know you've had enough of something when you just stare at the ceiling at night and wonder when will be the time when you just say screw it and change it instead of thinking instead of planning you just do it. Though I also have days were I do that and because I'm so tired and so exhausted from carrying this weight around (both physically and emotionally) that the act of going to work out of doing something of that nature just sounds so daunting and like the last thing I'd want to do, even though I know it will make me feel so much better. I "KNOW" this from past experience  but I still sit waiting for the last hair on the camel's back so to speak, to give me that determination again that motivation to change.

Lately I've even just felt like simply laying one way is an issue because putting to much of my weight on say a leg or on a joint the leg or arm or foot goes numb much quicker then your foot falling asleep after it being in the same position for too long. Some nights I do constantly shift while on the couch watching TV because a body part gets numb or feelings tingling and I know this isn't a good thing, I don't dare look up what it could possible mean with that. I just know it needs to change.

Honestly I think all the colds I got this year (as I've said before) were more due to the extra weight weakening my immune system and me not eating right and taking care of myself  and then you add the germs from the kids or just in the air because of the weather changes or what have you and you get sick.

I've gone back and forth on just eating a gluten free diet or at least playing with the idea of trying to change my diet to take out the gluten foods for a couple weeks to month and see if that changes anything but also just in general change my eating habits and eat better whole foods.

I'm tired of just getting by in life of wishing and waiting for something to happen, and while I want this I'm also scared at what it might mean in the end when I do get down to my goal weight but I cant let fear change my want or my need to get healthy and to in the best defense against germs and other things that I know I'm already at risk for with family history.

Emotionally I'm for sure damn ready. Physically, I'm ready (soreness be damn!)... now if I can just get out of my own darn head and become mentally ready as well. Here's hoping!

Courage: Sometimes its about being Scared and Doing it anyways.

I have to state that I'm honestly shocked at how fast this year has gone by. It's already October and it doesn't feel like enough stuff has happened for a full almost year to have gone by already. Is this what happens as you get older the time just goes faster and faster till it just stops?

Any event, lets get some things out of the way with what has been going on my life. Last I wrote I was on probation at work due to some things and well earlier last month because I did "nothing" (literally) a guest complained and after talks with the people upstairs (them amongst themselves not me)  instead of suspending me, they put me on final warning. I didn't lose my new position that they did threaten to say I could lose if anything else happened while on probation but they didn't do that. But any thing that happens in the next 3-6 months (I say the latter to be in the clear and able to apply for a higher up position) I could be terminated; aka fired.

I went through a moment or two (still have them) where I think about finding something else, looking for another job. Though at this moment I've also thought of sticking it through and see where I can get come April (Crossing fingers and prayers that nothing else happens) with any other positions etc. Also right now with holidays right around the corner I don't think I'll be finding any really solid jobs so to speak.

I at sometimes feel that working in a place that is science oriented and doing field trips for kids in school with demonstrations that focus in certain parts of that field if faced with say someone who studied the subject or teaches it for a living with degree I almost feel fraud like when doing my job. Like I'm just waiting for them to call me out on being wrong, I don't know maybe its just silly insecurity but it does happen time and time again with certain groups or guests that come in.  (My over thinking brain judging some one's look at me as something that probably isn't even there.. ) And at the end of the day as much as I love science and watching things with science in them (sci-fi) or what have you, I rather not deal with it every day if I don't have to.

Plus to be honest with all that's gone on lately with me being on final warning and etc. as much as I know I love my job and its one of my favorites so far I don't think its something / or somewhere I wanna be forever. Though were to go from there I have no idea.
Though I also try not to get too ahead of myself or frustrated at things I can't control or change these days when it comes to anything work related, I only get in over my head that way it seems.

 

-- --- ---

 

 

Most days in life I'm still learning how to cope with just being myself, whomever that is I'm not still entirely sure. I feel at times I've lost myself or I choose to ignore parts of myself that I know are trying to tell me to get up and do things to make my life better. I feel my days and weeks blurring together so much that half the time the only way I know what day it is, is by my work schedule.

 

I've lost my train of thought, I started to write a paragraph and then delete it and then write something new and then read the post in a preview as an over view and back track and delete a lot of what I just wrote. I feel like as honest and open as I come off in here, I'm stuck with what to say right now because I've said it all before. This is probably my hardest post because my life right now is really nothing. I have nothing that makes me look forward to the day anymore, nothing that makes me jump up and go YES! I'm not OK with that I'm not.

 

Spending my life as much as I can remember trying to if not be perfect at least be something to someone, anyone to look up to, to say hey this girl is great. It sometimes just makes me wanna stick out my tongue at anyone I've tried to impress and give them a big THPPPPH! Or well depending on the person perhaps a finger of choice?

 

I feel lost not just in life, but in purpose; in identity. I've been thinking of getting this tattoo on my ankle with my tax refund come the beginning of the year I had yet to print out something to help myself fully design it and I just kept putting it off. I had another tattoo that I'd thought when I get to goal weight (more because I wanted it on the side of my ribs and didn't want distort the image, with weigh lost/gain) I'd get that eventually too. Plus one I'd been thinking of getting forever since my last one.. (still want that one)

 

The more I thought and put off printing said piece to help me design this newest idea the more I thought do I really want more of them? I'm not against them in any means I mean I have four of them already. But in hindsight, esp. with my wrist one that I did get "whim-ish" though I don't regret at all, was a I sure I wanted all these (new ones). Was I sure I even wanted any more period? What I realized was I'm not sure of anything at all. I'm a blank canvas of sorts, just perhaps too skittish to put down the pen or brush to create my masterpiece so to speak.

 

I've said this line a lot in a lot of my posts (quoting it from another post even):

 

"One of my biggest fears is watching life pass me by or missing out on something because I was too busy to catch it when it came by."

 

I'm so scared of something going wrong, I do nothing in fear of perhaps it even all going right. (Because what if it doesn't or what if it does!) I've placed this in my head so much that I've never let myself explore, dream, think more of anything I could do in life (minus day to day things of course) as nothing bigger then an idea of, "HEY THAT WOULD BE AN AWESOME IDEA!" I've let myself become what I fear most, I've let a good chunk of my life pass me by, sure I'm still young and sure I still have plenty of time but what scares me most and made me become so in a blur lately I think is due to my friends death back in April, maybe not consciously since the thoughts and the patterns were already there, but it didn't help (well in did in a bad way).

 

I realize most days how fragile/short life can be, and in a way I let that get the best of me. I let it stop me from doing things. Like buying clothes till I got lighter (ended up having to buy some because I needed clothes when I realized how little I have that fit anymore) in weight.

 

I've known some thing's about myself for a very long time but just not ready to admit them out loud but better yet I wasn't ready to do something about fixing them. I'm still not sure I am either.

 

Success and Failure both scare me; I'm just a perfectionist that what if my success isn't what I want it to be or even "in" what I want it to be.  Or what if I just plain fail?

 

Case in point above: I over think too much "A LOT" of the time, I over analyze everything to death and "What if" more then anyone I know, you could say I have my heads in the clouds but to be honest I think that would be a vacation for my brain.

 

I like playing all scenarios out in my head before they happen or scenarios that could happen but never do. Or play past things in my head over and over, things I should have said things I shouldn't. Or even done or not done.

 

I put things off till last minute, its the procrastinator in me and also the thing in me that goes hey I still have that to do, because God forbid I get to a point that I have nothing to do or  don't have the ability to do something... .

 

In the end I let myself blend in and just pretty much try to fit in as much as possible instead of sticking out like a sore thumb, I guess I only want attention on me if its for good/ right reasons what ever that really means. I mean no one wants the spot light on them when things are going wrong.

 

With all this I am also a food addict.. is that what you call it? Like an alcoholic but with food instead: foodoholic? I don't know what to call it but I know I do it, my bank account knows I do it. When I'm bored, when I find something new when I'm stressed out, tired, "PMSing" put an adjective or emotion in there and I probably pair eating with it.

 

Since I've really never explored much of anything but to impress other people my outlet for anything else going on at the time or when I was no longer doing said thing to impress was to eat in many ways, not to say that's all I do all day long no. I sometimes binge though, even now I sometimes forget that I even do it now. I'll buy a biggie everything at the drive thru and pig out. (Like three Jack in the Box tacos a large milk shake, and then a large root beer and chili fries from Carl's Jr.) Or even say a grocery store and load up on a single serving pizza or a pint of  Ben and Jerry's or square/slice of cake.. I eat sometimes till I feel sick to my stomach and still keep eating. Sometimes I tell myself I do this so I feel something.  To the point last year I spent just over 1,000 on all the junk alone, and right now its already a little over 1,000.. and this year isn't even quiet done yet.

 

I've mentioned this "Something" before when I was being better during weight lost time before gaining it all back. I was more aware of it then and didn't just binge like I use to prior to being in the middle of my weight loss or now  with gaining the weight plus a good 25-30lbs on top of it back.

 

I've never really figured out what this something is.. I wish I could. Maybe its my want for more then just living day to day life just to get by the things I have to do to make a living (work, and etc.) and then just exist afterwards on the couch watching TV or surfing the web. To actually live a life where I don't depend on people's opinions on who I am as a person at the end of the day or to feel that "sick fullness" of over eating to get me by for the day.

 

To finally truly explore and find who I truly am, to finally only worry about impressing; me.

 

 

Peter Pan Syndrome???

Lately I feel like I've taken a pause in life and really just looked around me or either that or I just feel like I'm looking at everything with this giant magnifying glass inspecting it all and questioning everything.

I feel like in a way I'm trapped in this never ending stage of what if's of what do I want for my future where do I wanna go from here. No more maybe's no more possibilities... time to really just start something and finish it and grow a little in the process perhaps. I'm starting to think about what I really want in life and what I really don't. And if all those things are really set in stone or if their just something I feel right now at this moment in my life that might change later down the road.

As of lately my mind has gone back to having kids or not having kids and while for most of my life I was always semi aware that I wanted one or two (or 5-10 as I said when I was about 20 years younger then I am now) but at this time in my life I wasn't ready.  Now as of late, I'm not really into the idea of having them and at moments I think its just because I know in my heart I'm not ready for them yet but then I think of later in life, and I don't see it anywhere in the near future either.

This might all have something do with a reality check so to speak of the fact that I'm 25 years old and I've never done a single thing besides hug a boy and be his friend. (No kissing, slow dancing, dating, and no I have never had sex.) Though this is stuff I've known for every year that none of this stuff happens, so what is the change? Can it have to do with I deal with kids every day I go to work from the young to the teenage/pre adults and that my want for them is lessen by this sheer experience of manning groups of kids on a field trip day in day out for a couple day straight here and there during the school year/ summer school time?

Don't get me wrong I love my job, but never before working so closely with so many kids did I ever think I'd start to change my mind on having my own. Do I believe I'll never have kids, I'm not so sure.. I think it might happen one day I haven't totally said no to the idea but there are days when I deal with some troublesome kids that make me wanna say yes: "I WILLL NOT! BE HAVING KIDS!"  But my mind always reminds me these aren't gonna be your kids (hopefully) so don't judge what could be on what your seeing now, when if they do happen at this point they aren't even born yet.

I'm more in the mood to get a Cat or another Dog but till I live on my own that won't be happening.

Speaking of living on my own I get more and more anxious every other day or so to have my own space to live on my own to have my own place to come home to every night. Maybe it has to do with ever since I changed my room around and put my bed on the opposite wall I've felt off about the room itself and I want put my bed on that other wall again, but I'm not entirely sure if that will help.

A lot of me thinks that some type of sense of security and happiness will come to me when I can finally move out and live on my own and pay my own way and all of my bills. And I know I want that for myself and to live on my own (as I've mentioned in here before more then once) before I ever do find that guy (if I ever do and ever go down that path) and settle down.

Though when it comes to my own place I start to think of if I wanna live in California all my life or for a long while or if those white winters will be enough to drag me back to Colorado one day... or will my missing of my Dad and other family members break the camel's back and bring me back to where I was born. Do I really wanna go back when I know for the most part as little of a life as  I've made for myself it is here (in Cali) right now. I don't have friends out there really, yes some childhood people I knew back in K-5 grade perhaps but good luck finding them.

I feel much like I'm in a limbo state/stage of life right now esp. at my job I'm down 1/3 months of probation and everything seems to being going well. I'm just bummed with a few changes here and there that have been happening coworkers that I love seeing are now leaving for other jobs or spending more time at new ones they got. Work just isn't quite the same the more people I connected with leave. Once one more person leaves (which they are in Sept.) I will be the last of my group who got hired in at the same time. Like I mentioned in the last post a lot of the time when I get a moment I think of where else I'd go if I did what else would I do. I'm pretty sure I never wanna do retail ever again, (minus when I do it at work in our gift shop) and I'm not entirely sure if I did go back to school what I'd go back for.


All I know right now is I need to vacuum my room before I change it back (or move the bed back over to the opposite wall) and really think out all my opinions and maybe just maybe let life breath for awhile stop thinking so much of what it could be in the future  and focus on what I can make of it right now instead of just what little is that I let it be, when I know I can do so much more (in general and well as always in getting better and being healthy...  that's still a big goal of mine even if I've not really let myself do anything about it as of late.) then I have been doing.

Life Or Something Like It

My last real post that didn't include a bunch of pictures with tidbits of info was back in April or early May right before my birthday. A lot and also nothing has happened in the last couple months, and I've gone through a lot in my head for what to write or say or do in my life, but as of late this is what is going on. In my life and inside my head, well most of it.

Work is a touché subject at the moment but just to make it short and sweet to get out of the way so I can let it be and whatever I'll say what's going on. Due to being caught with gum one too many times and then getting a formal complaint from a guest I am now on probation for the next three months (90days) and my current role that I was promoted to just a little over a year ago (weird to say that it's been that long) I might lose and be demoted with pay lost as well if I don't shape up and improve. Though I can say that its the best outcome I could have hoped for after I found out about the complaint on Friday and didn't hear anything beside possible termination if its a pattern in my record of having a behavioral issue(s). I freaked most of the weekend that I'd lose my job... made me panic and etc. But moving on getting better and being the best employee I can be and try to get back to where I was working on getting higher up before all this happened soon enough it will happen.

All that above makes me think about how long I wanna be doing what I'm doing or any part of what I can do there and while I can see myself there for awhile I don't necessarily see myself there forever. But where else, I have no idea and I don't wanna worry about that till I'm back in my safely bubble off of probation so to speak.

Life around beyond work is really been nothing much but lack a dazzical if that is even a word or phrase. I've tended to just be lazy bum when I'm not working and watch movies or sleep most days if I'm off. A pattern I remember getting me in trouble a few years ago when I'd get antsy because I wasn't doing anything else and my frustrations would come out at work. While I know better this time I can still feel some issues coming up in the back of my mind when my day just doesn't go as planned at work.

I need to find a hobby, I know that sounds silly almost but I need to be more then my work I need a life that isn't just hanging out even if I am going out with friends I need to be using my brain to do more then just stare at a screen telling me a story every day or pinning things on Pinterest. Hoping for a better life one day or something more out of it in the future. I guess you can say I'm stuck but I did it to myself. One of my biggest fears is watching life pass me by or missing out on something because I was too busy to catch it when it came by. So much so that I put myself in this mode of don't do anything in fear of missing out so instead I don't do anything and in turn miss out on well, everything.

Apart me knows my weight is a main culprit that when I was lighter I was happier not just physically but emotionally and mentally I was just more there not buried in weight that I added to myself to have something to do in a moment of boredom or moment of that sounds good. I need to eat better I need to make better choices all around, at my weight now I am so not wanting to go to the gym. But I have a Wii I have dvds (I bought for when I didn't have time for the gym prior to work ironically) and I have my local weight room at my complex. I even have a swimming pool and with it being summer it probably wont be too cold to use.

I need to stop making excuses not to do anything or rather just not doing anything with no excuse but just doing it. I need to switch that up to just doing things. Slowly and little by little at first of course but I need to get back to life. I had some big idea about posting about body image and etc. but I don't think I'm quiet there yet to formulate all my ideas and etc. into a post that would make sense to myself more than anyone reading it.

I wanna write in  here more to decompress and vent more then I do. I need to start drawing/painting more, I do it time to time and it helps me sleep, and helps me feel happier the next day.

I need to start happening to life instead of letting life happen to me.

Weightloss... or something like that

For the moment right now till I can collect my thoughts about how to really say all things I wanna say that have been going around in my head about this whole subject and how its all happened the good and bad. Here are the pictures  of just what has happened.

 

 

Before (270)

After *now* (344)

 

I have so many thoughts about this all running around in my head, that till I can get it straight all I can really do is post the evidence so to speak about all that's gone on.

 

I lost 50-60lbs going from 312.4 to 250 at my lightest... slowly but surely these last two years I've gained all that back plus a good 20-30 more lbs. I feel it and I know the difference and I hate the difficulty it gives me and the insecurities it causes. I want to get better at it all I wanna say I wanna be this weight or that weight or be back where I was when I first started to lose weight. But regardless of numbers or what have you seriously all I want is to finally be healthy. I wanna talk about a lot things when it comes to weight loss, mine and just the subject in general but right now this is all I've got till I can get my thoughts together about it all.

 

 

I need to change.. I'm only 25 I got the rest of my life ahead of me or I will (more so) if I fix this.

 

 

 

 

April showers brings May Flowers?

Ever get that feeling for just a moment that you feel invincible perhaps when your starting to get over a cold. Or when your cold pills finally give you the relief you've been seeking?

Where you start to make plans and have grand ideas because you feel on top of the world where two seconds ago you swear you were on your death bed with this common cold you caught?

Yes I know your asking, I got a cold again? Didn't I have one last post where I thought these same things... yes and yes.


You see April seemed to be a good month when it started I was getting my head clear and focused planning things for when the busiest time of year at my work would be over and I could have time to work gym and other things into my schedule.  Than it all sort of came tumbling to a halt so to speak.

On April 5th last minute on a random Facebook check as I got ready for bed I clicked on a story of a car crash from a friend's post about the town I use to live in before I moved north about 6 years ago.

I think I read through the story quickly and it mentioned a girl from my town I first moved to and lived in when moving here from where I was born. It had stated she had died, I decided to really re-read this article to see if I might recognize the name. Unfortunately I indeed did, I stared at that name for what felt like 5 minutes in shock and disbelief. I commented on the story link asking the friend who had posted it if this was indeed the same person we both knew. I sent the link to the girl in the article's mother asking as softly as I could if this was her daughter, and expressing my dearest condolences if it was.

I had my mom read the story, and she asked if it was who she thought, I told her I think so but I wasn't sure. I went to bed that night tears in my eyes not quite sure how to feel with no real fact that it was truly her and hoping some how that perhaps it was some other girl with the same name sadly.

The next morning I went to Facebook, grabbing my phone from my dresser and crawling back into bed, someone had finally posted using my friends account with a statement that read that yes she was in an accident and sadly she did not make it. My mind raced so much as I read all the comments on her page from friends I knew from high school and middle school that she knew, pictures (that were tagged with her in it them that continued for weeks on end after this as well) and I got out of bed and dug through my storage box in my closet for my photo album. I found pictures from our high school days  and I used the I-pad that I brought in my room the night before to really check Facebook better before I went to bed and started to Instagram collages and try not cry.

I finally had expressed all I could on Facebook and Instagram. I went back and looked at her page and I though of our memories, I thought of how on the first day of February she had turned 25 years old. It had only been two months and 4 days since she had been 25 and her life had been taken from her. I felt like anything I didn't wanna do I could not say I had to live I had to do things or  it was an insult to her, here I was still living while for no reason she was gone. I couldn't let a moment go to waste, but I was so beside myself that beside work I was quiet and did nothing much at all.

That morning after all my posts I cried slightly to myself and Stanley (my dog) came up and put his head on my hip and just let me pet him. I didn't really cry a lot after that I had mini little teary eyed moments when I was by myself on a rare moment at work, or on the way home or to work in the car. I had my thoughts that when I was finally at home alone I'd cry has long and loud as I wanted, I just didn't want my mom which was old because you think I would. Though I never really did that full on sob out. The last time I really truly cried was at her service when I went to hug her mom, I had made it through her aunt and her dad, but when I got to her mom and we talked a little and I showed her my necklace (an elephant- because they were her favorite) I choked up and her mom hugged me and thanked me for coming and for being her friend. My mom came with to the service since she knew her and her family and her mom was tearing up after talking to my mom as well and we cried harder and hugged each other as well.

I had a small world moment at the service when going to meet up with a friend who knew her as well I ran into one of my coworkers who works in the office part and runs meetings I go to. She had known her as well, they were in girl scouts together. We were both in awe and shock over the entire thing.

After that April seemed to drift by slowly I never really thought much about anything besides going to work and coming home and trying to get use to life again. It's like you forget what's really when  you have something that big happen to you, and you have no focus. Towards the end of April the day of the Boston marathon bombings my mom came home and mentioned she actually had to go to Boston for a class her job wanted her to take for a week the last couple days of April into the first couple days of may.

Thankfully the whole issue was settled at least with capturing the guys in charge with that before she had to go. Though Stanley and I were once again left to our own devices. I started to think about life and my future again, since I was on my own for a couple days and it reminded me of how I wanted this one day, to be on my own to have my own place before I ever settle down with anyone.

It's ironic because the first couple days I spent missing my mom and our routine of things we do day to day, but I realized now that she has been home a good 24hours now I got into my own routine and its almost like ugh I want it back for as much as I missed you while you were gone.

Any event, also besides wanting to eventually live on my own I started thinking of how my birthday was coming up (Day after tomorrow in fact- well since its after midnight as I type this tomorrow.. lol)

I'm turning 25 years old, I started to re-read some of my entries on here esp. my what I want before I turned 25 and some others where I list things in my life I know for sure thinking of what I want to know/do accomplish before I'm 30.  it's fun to look back, a lot of the reason why I love to write and also to take pictures how else will you know how you were back then without a record of it?

I've been thinking a lot about my future and what I want from it, and I've realized that I cant really say I have a plan for anything right now. Though I know a few things I can see that would make me happy.

-->To finally have weekends off, only work weekdays. You know like normal people? Or as much as possible.

--> Be able to dress in a business casual way and not in a uniform all the time. I'd really like to pick out and buy nice clothes to wear to work instead of the same old black pants and polo that they give you (which I need to exchange for a new set they're getting faded and holey now)

--> Make enough that I can move out and live in my own place for a year (or more) w/ Stanley of course. ( I'm still dying to one day design my entire place from artwork to furniture to perhaps even paint colors)

I know I have more inside this noggin, but they aren't jumping out at me at the moment. I do know one thing for sure. (see picture below)

I'm not all there yet and that's ok. If I think about it most people aren't ever all the way there, and I heard this today and I quite liked it.

It was in a song on a show I watched called Smash, its a called Vienna by Billy Joel. One of the characters sang it to another that had actual passed away in a previous episode and they were remembering him from before. 

The lyric went

"You got your passion you got your pride
But don't you know that only fools are satisfied?"

It just made me think, in this life if your satisfied with what you have and you don't want anything else, what's the point in moving and living. Kinda like a man who isn't busy living is busy dying.

I just know that I don't think I'll ever have a moment were I'm fully good with life, content in a moment sure. Though why settle half way through when the best has yet to come?

Take your life and make it yours, change what you need to change and keep what you like all the same...

sounds like a cheesy lyric or line but truth none the less. Reminds me of something I wrote pretty much a year ago to this day (in this blog nonetheless)

I'm not at all sure where this life will take me or what I want from it at this moment, but why not fix the things I'm not happy or comfortable with that I can change and see were that leads me.

 

 

 

 

Yes, its come back to my weight I've kept it pretty steady since new years never really getting higher than my highest I was which is still the heaviest I've been ever.  Regardless of it all I know I wanna be back to what I was before. That is my first and foremost goal, not to get down to my original goal not to get down to the starting point I was at when I first started to lose weight, that number isn't or shouldn't be in my head anymore.

 

 

I wanna be back down to the lightest I remember myself to be back when I was working out regularly and not always eating the best but trying better than I have been. This time better on all accounts. I'm tired of getting sick and then getting better and saying I will and never doing so till I get sick again and than saying I will for next time and repeating the cycle all over again.

 

I wanna be able to be myself and doing that comes with not having this extra weight literally (and metaphorically) weigh me down anymore. First step start working out slowly (Wii fit and zumba etc. till I can not have a runny nose the moment I get a little to active aka once this cold has gotten the good old' boot out the door)

 

Getting my foods better and than really getting to the gym around work as well. I have my goals I have my ideas but I think this time its just gonna be do it to be healthy to make it a way of life and get in the best shape of my life to be the best me I can be to have the best life that I want so i'm not being pulled back anymore by the weight I've let hold me back for to long, because I didn't think I was good enough because DAMNIT I AM!

 

 

 

Even if I haven't gotten the clearest picture of what that is yet (to the quote in the picture above)

A Good Cold for a Reality Check on LIfe.

I have this habit as of late to try to wait for that perfect moment to be inspired to write something awesome instead of just writing what's on my mind as a way to vent or decompress from everything going on in life or just thought in general that I need to just let go of.

It's been almost a full three months into 2013 and while I don't have a lot to show for it in regards to my goals, besides my ever growing (yet slowly as of late) hair I haven't quite given up on it all quite yet. While my hair is on topic I have decided that come may (if I get my birthday off, I requested it) or somewhere before it or right after that I have the day off on I'm gonna go get my hair trimmed up. Depending on how much it grows by than ( a little over a month to go) I'll either have it evened out back to front and adding a side bang or just bringing up the back a little bit to blend in with the front better taking little off as possible and adding that bang still, I'm so over the past my chin bangs situation I got going on here. I'm also planning to start dyeing it than again as well. If you go back to I believe its my January post you'll see the picture of the boxes of dyes one with the as I called it "Kate beckinsale " look a like model and the curly haired model. Well after its been shaped/trimmed up I'm gonna do the curl haired color. Than in four months I'll do the other, after my next trim.. and so on and so further going back and forth every four months at least till I get it back to the length I was at or to the goal length which is when the ends are just hitting right below my rib cage.

All other goals I have I need to get started on ASP if I want any of them to work out, esp. with reading those books which I have put off for way too long.

On a longer note than that chunk of paragraph that I wrote on my hair comes my weight loss/ weight gain ...etc. My Weight.

I've got back and forth on this whole thing for weeks and well most of last year and the start of this year as well. I start to be good, (aka January) and than go back to old habits again (aka February) and I was hemming and hawing about the whole thing for the big part of March as of yet. Till a few things happened. As the weather has been getting warmer I've gone to put on things that fit last summer knowing they probably wouldn't but being extra shocked by the amount that they really don't and that in turn making me question what really all did fit in my closet. I was left with a good third of my shirts I could still wear comfortable and a probably good 8th at most of my pants that would even fit well and most of these wears stretchy gym or pj like bottoms. Another key aspect in this change around was my need to buy a bigger pair of work pants for work but not wanting to have to go to a specialty store to do so because none of the normal stores I go to can I find the size I need in the fit I want any more, When I knew if I just got back to being healthy in a minimal amount of time I'd be able to start fitting in my current pants more comfortable and than be able to go back down to the smaller ones that have been sitting in my closet since I really started gaining weight which is probably a year ago or so now.

Another hitter, seeing the scale get closer to 350 when I was originally my highest weight at 312.4, and realizing to be at my goal I'd have to lose the amount of weight I wanted to weight at goal to be at goal. If I let myself get up to 350 that is. Than one of the real motivators if all this wasn't enough my lab coat I wear for the field trips I do at my work I cant tie my shoe in it, I have a hard enough time tying my shoe without it since my pants are tight but the coat cuts at my arms the wrong way and makes it impossible. 

Recently I have had two nails in the coffins if you wanna call them that to make me determined to lose the weight again and this time FOR GOOD! The first one was when a Facebook friend posted a picture from the party I was just at, a candid shot you wouldn't think anything of and while the shot wasn't bad it was a real reality check of : "IS THAT REALLY ME?" and "AM I REALLY THAT HUGE?" Not in a picking on myself way but a concern of holy moly when did this happen shocker. I started to compare it to same time frames in past years and saw what I had done literally in front of my eyes. And I was just so done, and I was on the verge of changing things and than that final kicker came in. I got sick this last week, nothing really big just a pretty bad head cold that thankfully came on a three day weekend I got from work. I didn't really wanna eat much because I couldn't taste anything and I could only breath out of my right nostril till probably yesterday from Friday. It was like I had cotton up my left nostril and in my sinuses and nothing not even nasal spray would go in there to help it, and meds weren't doing much. I just ate what I needed when I was hungry and rested.

 

*Above- in order: March 2012/Oct 2012/March 2013-aka the candid*

 

*above- March 2013 (candid from above) and two years prior March 2011*



When I did have moments, say after a steamy warm shower that opened my sinuses for a moment or when the meds did relieve the pressure momentarily (nothing lasted longer than an hour tops) I was kind of excited with how good I felt finally again. You know how you dream about feeling better when your sick a feeling you don't really think about in your day to day life because its the norm till your sick and all you wanna do is lay down? Yeah I felt that and I when I had those moments of being better (still working on getting it all over with though, I think it will be gone by this weekend) I realized something, in my want to do nothing but get rid of this bug and rest I wasn't stuffing myself with food I wasn't eating all the junk, I haven't drank soda in almost a week if you can believe that, I think that's the longest I've gone in a very long, long time. I  wanna get back to not drinking it at all. But I just felt so much more alive, heck as I do  right now as well (minus that I'm typing this with my eyes closed because I'm sleepy but I wanna finally post something) and than as I've gotten better the good foods just sound better, I stuck a piece of minty/brownie gum (extra dessert flavors I think) in my mouth this morning and spit it out so fast for how gross it was in sweetness and that says a lot. And soda just hasn't appealed to me as neither have the old foods I got I mean I had cookies and cupcake the other day almost on an impulse since I wanted a cookie and they didn't have the one I wanted so I got mini cookies and a small cupcake to substitute when I should have just got nothing instead it sat in my stomach like a rock the rest of the night, and the cheesecake I had after dinner tonight just after a couple bites it wasn't as good as remember and I don't think ill have it again.

I hope this continues and I'm gonna work on it to try and get it to, I wanna keep this feeling alive in me I missed feeling this way and I'm tired of numbing myself out with food and saying I'm just to tired for life when that's not true at all. Once this cold finally kicks out of my system I'm gonna get better at the gym, I'm gonna going to the gym on days off (esp. next two weeks of work that are our busy time so I can't get too crazy) and than work up to more around my schedule where possible. I wanna get most of this weight off by the end of this year. I wanna become more of who I wanna be and that only happens with working for myself and my body and world and not against it.

I know this is a lot of talk but this time I think I'm gonna be better on my follow through, I have very high hopes right now and the pictures speak so much volume its hard to ignore them. I also hope you enjoy all the inspiration pictures I've added too.

 

Time to get back to this time line above - weight loss!

One month in to the new year, I haven't quite started yet...

I haven't quite gotten anything moving yet, besides the things that need to happen on a day to day thing.

Let's go off my goals for this year to let you see how I'm doing so far.

Goal one: Sunscreen every day (esp on face) : this one is still neither here nor there on it. I remember some days and some days not. More so I forget when I do wear makeup and it would have helped if my foundation had spf in it but the new stuff I've been trying since last month does not have any. I need to get better at this since my skin mostly burnts and not tans

Goal two: Grow out hair(sticking to one dye come april) : Yes I am still growing my hair out and have not quite come to the urge to cut it yet. Though it has crossed my mind and so has coloring it and such. Here are some pictures (below) of the ideas for eventual goal length/style and also colors and also ideas for cuts come april. As you'll see i'm quite not sure about what to do. So at this point I think I'm gonna stick with a little bit of a ends trim and possibly a side bang since my bangs are incredibly too long)

 

 

 

Goal three: Eat healthy well I'm getting better at that. I did still do one fast food stop since the last post in here. Ive been trying to get better at it though slowly.

 

Goal Four: Gym (up to 5x a week) well lets just say the 5x part didnt happen but I did go about like 10 times in jan so thats better than not going at all. Time to increase that total this month though.

 

Goal Five: Read all borrowed books: yeah lets just say I need to get on that pronto if thats gonna be finished this year. *aka have not done a single page yet*\

 

 

So this was just a little update post of yearly things I"m gonna make a better post about things rolling around in this head of mine here in the next week or so.

 

Happy New Year... :)

I usually try to write these new years posts on the last day of the year prior to the new year, but like a lot of 2012 I was lazy and let it drift on. I let that continue into the new year, but that stops now.

In the posts of the new year I tend to review the past year and than talk about what I want for the new one that is coming. I think this year I'm gonna just let focus on this year and let 2012 rest in peace.

My 2013 Resolutions or goals as I call them:





The sunscreen one I have been doing here and there since new years, not really constant with it like I should but I'm gonna start trying now for sure. 

 

I have been growning my hair out since I cut all off back in April and have not dyed it or cut it since, it will be 9 months come the 19th that I have been growing it out. I'm trying to make it till April again (probably more likely my birthday which is in the first week of May) to do anything to it.  Though I have been off and on thinking about what to do to it dye wise and cut wise once I do decided to do something to it.

 

As you can see underneath in the started quotes is the "kate beckinsale box" well there is this box (picture below on the left) that I have done before and liked it (couple times) and thought of doing since I chopped it off and thought I should have done instead of going the bleach blonde, that I tried to do which made me want to cut my hair off even more than before (since it was fried). Though whats done is done but I have thought of sticking to that color for many months now, and if I do decide to dye it will be that color in that box. I call it the kate beckinsale box because I think the model on the box looks like the actress.

 





"The picture to the right is a color that caught my eye that

I'm liking, but I'm gonna try to stick with one color only if I do dye"

 

 

 

 

So as for the eating healthy goal I have on there how I have been doing since new years? Well the goal says no more soda/rockstars(energy drinks)/ or fast food... and limiting the junk.

 

 The first I was doing prety well, but decided to have pizza for dinner, wouldnt have been as bad but I ate my share between my mom and I (four slices). From than on howerver, that was were I got into trouble.

 

On the way home from work on the 2nd I stopped at taco bell got not only fast food but a soda to drink as well, and than the next day after work I stopped off at a different taco bell and ordered the same thing (well two of the same thing) and the soda. Both times eating as I drove home and threw the trash away (aka the evidence) in the trash can near the mailbox so I wouldnt hear anything from my mom about it. Than that night (the 3rd) we went out to dinner and while I orderd a veggie burger w/ fruit I got a cherry pepsi (with two refills and a take home cup).

 

The next day, yesterday I did pretty well and I managed to incorprate my next goal to get back into the gym, and I made it zumba class. I think what made it really sink in and made me go, was when we went out on errands on Thursday night I decided to replace our scale that for awhile now has been giving weird ranges in numbers. I have this habit of stepping on the scale three times when I check my weight just to get an average. Well each time it ranged in different weights from 5-10lbs different each time. So after replacing that one and getting this new one I stepped on it Friday morning and didnt like what I saw.

 

It said 339 lbs. Meaning not only did I gain back the 62 lbs I lost from my lighest weight back when I was really losing weight steadly I had also added on another 24 lbs. Making it a grand total of a good 86 lbs in the last year or so back on my body. That's pretty much what Stanley (my Rottie/Lab) weighs on average . (85-90lbs). I felt it I saw it, but I did nothing. That stops now. I'm gonna work back to going to the gym as much as possible (up to 5x a week) as my goals state and eat as healthy and well as I can.

 

My last but not least part of my new years resoultions is to finally read all the books I have currently on my book shelf, a lot of which I borrowed from a friend a good three years ago or so. I want to finish them all by new years if not before than, so I can perhaps read more

 ( Left- all the books I wanna read this year) 

 

And last but not least, I really wanna write in here more I want to post updates, and write a lot of stuff that has been circling in my mind lately. Not just about my life but about myself as a person and in general about the world around me as well.

Thanks for reading! :)