April showers brings May Flowers?

Ever get that feeling for just a moment that you feel invincible perhaps when your starting to get over a cold. Or when your cold pills finally give you the relief you've been seeking?

Where you start to make plans and have grand ideas because you feel on top of the world where two seconds ago you swear you were on your death bed with this common cold you caught?

Yes I know your asking, I got a cold again? Didn't I have one last post where I thought these same things... yes and yes.


You see April seemed to be a good month when it started I was getting my head clear and focused planning things for when the busiest time of year at my work would be over and I could have time to work gym and other things into my schedule.  Than it all sort of came tumbling to a halt so to speak.

On April 5th last minute on a random Facebook check as I got ready for bed I clicked on a story of a car crash from a friend's post about the town I use to live in before I moved north about 6 years ago.

I think I read through the story quickly and it mentioned a girl from my town I first moved to and lived in when moving here from where I was born. It had stated she had died, I decided to really re-read this article to see if I might recognize the name. Unfortunately I indeed did, I stared at that name for what felt like 5 minutes in shock and disbelief. I commented on the story link asking the friend who had posted it if this was indeed the same person we both knew. I sent the link to the girl in the article's mother asking as softly as I could if this was her daughter, and expressing my dearest condolences if it was.

I had my mom read the story, and she asked if it was who she thought, I told her I think so but I wasn't sure. I went to bed that night tears in my eyes not quite sure how to feel with no real fact that it was truly her and hoping some how that perhaps it was some other girl with the same name sadly.

The next morning I went to Facebook, grabbing my phone from my dresser and crawling back into bed, someone had finally posted using my friends account with a statement that read that yes she was in an accident and sadly she did not make it. My mind raced so much as I read all the comments on her page from friends I knew from high school and middle school that she knew, pictures (that were tagged with her in it them that continued for weeks on end after this as well) and I got out of bed and dug through my storage box in my closet for my photo album. I found pictures from our high school days  and I used the I-pad that I brought in my room the night before to really check Facebook better before I went to bed and started to Instagram collages and try not cry.

I finally had expressed all I could on Facebook and Instagram. I went back and looked at her page and I though of our memories, I thought of how on the first day of February she had turned 25 years old. It had only been two months and 4 days since she had been 25 and her life had been taken from her. I felt like anything I didn't wanna do I could not say I had to live I had to do things or  it was an insult to her, here I was still living while for no reason she was gone. I couldn't let a moment go to waste, but I was so beside myself that beside work I was quiet and did nothing much at all.

That morning after all my posts I cried slightly to myself and Stanley (my dog) came up and put his head on my hip and just let me pet him. I didn't really cry a lot after that I had mini little teary eyed moments when I was by myself on a rare moment at work, or on the way home or to work in the car. I had my thoughts that when I was finally at home alone I'd cry has long and loud as I wanted, I just didn't want my mom which was old because you think I would. Though I never really did that full on sob out. The last time I really truly cried was at her service when I went to hug her mom, I had made it through her aunt and her dad, but when I got to her mom and we talked a little and I showed her my necklace (an elephant- because they were her favorite) I choked up and her mom hugged me and thanked me for coming and for being her friend. My mom came with to the service since she knew her and her family and her mom was tearing up after talking to my mom as well and we cried harder and hugged each other as well.

I had a small world moment at the service when going to meet up with a friend who knew her as well I ran into one of my coworkers who works in the office part and runs meetings I go to. She had known her as well, they were in girl scouts together. We were both in awe and shock over the entire thing.

After that April seemed to drift by slowly I never really thought much about anything besides going to work and coming home and trying to get use to life again. It's like you forget what's really when  you have something that big happen to you, and you have no focus. Towards the end of April the day of the Boston marathon bombings my mom came home and mentioned she actually had to go to Boston for a class her job wanted her to take for a week the last couple days of April into the first couple days of may.

Thankfully the whole issue was settled at least with capturing the guys in charge with that before she had to go. Though Stanley and I were once again left to our own devices. I started to think about life and my future again, since I was on my own for a couple days and it reminded me of how I wanted this one day, to be on my own to have my own place before I ever settle down with anyone.

It's ironic because the first couple days I spent missing my mom and our routine of things we do day to day, but I realized now that she has been home a good 24hours now I got into my own routine and its almost like ugh I want it back for as much as I missed you while you were gone.

Any event, also besides wanting to eventually live on my own I started thinking of how my birthday was coming up (Day after tomorrow in fact- well since its after midnight as I type this tomorrow.. lol)

I'm turning 25 years old, I started to re-read some of my entries on here esp. my what I want before I turned 25 and some others where I list things in my life I know for sure thinking of what I want to know/do accomplish before I'm 30.  it's fun to look back, a lot of the reason why I love to write and also to take pictures how else will you know how you were back then without a record of it?

I've been thinking a lot about my future and what I want from it, and I've realized that I cant really say I have a plan for anything right now. Though I know a few things I can see that would make me happy.

-->To finally have weekends off, only work weekdays. You know like normal people? Or as much as possible.

--> Be able to dress in a business casual way and not in a uniform all the time. I'd really like to pick out and buy nice clothes to wear to work instead of the same old black pants and polo that they give you (which I need to exchange for a new set they're getting faded and holey now)

--> Make enough that I can move out and live in my own place for a year (or more) w/ Stanley of course. ( I'm still dying to one day design my entire place from artwork to furniture to perhaps even paint colors)

I know I have more inside this noggin, but they aren't jumping out at me at the moment. I do know one thing for sure. (see picture below)

I'm not all there yet and that's ok. If I think about it most people aren't ever all the way there, and I heard this today and I quite liked it.

It was in a song on a show I watched called Smash, its a called Vienna by Billy Joel. One of the characters sang it to another that had actual passed away in a previous episode and they were remembering him from before. 

The lyric went

"You got your passion you got your pride
But don't you know that only fools are satisfied?"

It just made me think, in this life if your satisfied with what you have and you don't want anything else, what's the point in moving and living. Kinda like a man who isn't busy living is busy dying.

I just know that I don't think I'll ever have a moment were I'm fully good with life, content in a moment sure. Though why settle half way through when the best has yet to come?

Take your life and make it yours, change what you need to change and keep what you like all the same...

sounds like a cheesy lyric or line but truth none the less. Reminds me of something I wrote pretty much a year ago to this day (in this blog nonetheless)

I'm not at all sure where this life will take me or what I want from it at this moment, but why not fix the things I'm not happy or comfortable with that I can change and see were that leads me.

 

 

 

 

Yes, its come back to my weight I've kept it pretty steady since new years never really getting higher than my highest I was which is still the heaviest I've been ever.  Regardless of it all I know I wanna be back to what I was before. That is my first and foremost goal, not to get down to my original goal not to get down to the starting point I was at when I first started to lose weight, that number isn't or shouldn't be in my head anymore.

 

 

I wanna be back down to the lightest I remember myself to be back when I was working out regularly and not always eating the best but trying better than I have been. This time better on all accounts. I'm tired of getting sick and then getting better and saying I will and never doing so till I get sick again and than saying I will for next time and repeating the cycle all over again.

 

I wanna be able to be myself and doing that comes with not having this extra weight literally (and metaphorically) weigh me down anymore. First step start working out slowly (Wii fit and zumba etc. till I can not have a runny nose the moment I get a little to active aka once this cold has gotten the good old' boot out the door)

 

Getting my foods better and than really getting to the gym around work as well. I have my goals I have my ideas but I think this time its just gonna be do it to be healthy to make it a way of life and get in the best shape of my life to be the best me I can be to have the best life that I want so i'm not being pulled back anymore by the weight I've let hold me back for to long, because I didn't think I was good enough because DAMNIT I AM!

 

 

 

Even if I haven't gotten the clearest picture of what that is yet (to the quote in the picture above)

A Good Cold for a Reality Check on LIfe.

I have this habit as of late to try to wait for that perfect moment to be inspired to write something awesome instead of just writing what's on my mind as a way to vent or decompress from everything going on in life or just thought in general that I need to just let go of.

It's been almost a full three months into 2013 and while I don't have a lot to show for it in regards to my goals, besides my ever growing (yet slowly as of late) hair I haven't quite given up on it all quite yet. While my hair is on topic I have decided that come may (if I get my birthday off, I requested it) or somewhere before it or right after that I have the day off on I'm gonna go get my hair trimmed up. Depending on how much it grows by than ( a little over a month to go) I'll either have it evened out back to front and adding a side bang or just bringing up the back a little bit to blend in with the front better taking little off as possible and adding that bang still, I'm so over the past my chin bangs situation I got going on here. I'm also planning to start dyeing it than again as well. If you go back to I believe its my January post you'll see the picture of the boxes of dyes one with the as I called it "Kate beckinsale " look a like model and the curly haired model. Well after its been shaped/trimmed up I'm gonna do the curl haired color. Than in four months I'll do the other, after my next trim.. and so on and so further going back and forth every four months at least till I get it back to the length I was at or to the goal length which is when the ends are just hitting right below my rib cage.

All other goals I have I need to get started on ASP if I want any of them to work out, esp. with reading those books which I have put off for way too long.

On a longer note than that chunk of paragraph that I wrote on my hair comes my weight loss/ weight gain ...etc. My Weight.

I've got back and forth on this whole thing for weeks and well most of last year and the start of this year as well. I start to be good, (aka January) and than go back to old habits again (aka February) and I was hemming and hawing about the whole thing for the big part of March as of yet. Till a few things happened. As the weather has been getting warmer I've gone to put on things that fit last summer knowing they probably wouldn't but being extra shocked by the amount that they really don't and that in turn making me question what really all did fit in my closet. I was left with a good third of my shirts I could still wear comfortable and a probably good 8th at most of my pants that would even fit well and most of these wears stretchy gym or pj like bottoms. Another key aspect in this change around was my need to buy a bigger pair of work pants for work but not wanting to have to go to a specialty store to do so because none of the normal stores I go to can I find the size I need in the fit I want any more, When I knew if I just got back to being healthy in a minimal amount of time I'd be able to start fitting in my current pants more comfortable and than be able to go back down to the smaller ones that have been sitting in my closet since I really started gaining weight which is probably a year ago or so now.

Another hitter, seeing the scale get closer to 350 when I was originally my highest weight at 312.4, and realizing to be at my goal I'd have to lose the amount of weight I wanted to weight at goal to be at goal. If I let myself get up to 350 that is. Than one of the real motivators if all this wasn't enough my lab coat I wear for the field trips I do at my work I cant tie my shoe in it, I have a hard enough time tying my shoe without it since my pants are tight but the coat cuts at my arms the wrong way and makes it impossible. 

Recently I have had two nails in the coffins if you wanna call them that to make me determined to lose the weight again and this time FOR GOOD! The first one was when a Facebook friend posted a picture from the party I was just at, a candid shot you wouldn't think anything of and while the shot wasn't bad it was a real reality check of : "IS THAT REALLY ME?" and "AM I REALLY THAT HUGE?" Not in a picking on myself way but a concern of holy moly when did this happen shocker. I started to compare it to same time frames in past years and saw what I had done literally in front of my eyes. And I was just so done, and I was on the verge of changing things and than that final kicker came in. I got sick this last week, nothing really big just a pretty bad head cold that thankfully came on a three day weekend I got from work. I didn't really wanna eat much because I couldn't taste anything and I could only breath out of my right nostril till probably yesterday from Friday. It was like I had cotton up my left nostril and in my sinuses and nothing not even nasal spray would go in there to help it, and meds weren't doing much. I just ate what I needed when I was hungry and rested.

 

*Above- in order: March 2012/Oct 2012/March 2013-aka the candid*

 

*above- March 2013 (candid from above) and two years prior March 2011*



When I did have moments, say after a steamy warm shower that opened my sinuses for a moment or when the meds did relieve the pressure momentarily (nothing lasted longer than an hour tops) I was kind of excited with how good I felt finally again. You know how you dream about feeling better when your sick a feeling you don't really think about in your day to day life because its the norm till your sick and all you wanna do is lay down? Yeah I felt that and I when I had those moments of being better (still working on getting it all over with though, I think it will be gone by this weekend) I realized something, in my want to do nothing but get rid of this bug and rest I wasn't stuffing myself with food I wasn't eating all the junk, I haven't drank soda in almost a week if you can believe that, I think that's the longest I've gone in a very long, long time. I  wanna get back to not drinking it at all. But I just felt so much more alive, heck as I do  right now as well (minus that I'm typing this with my eyes closed because I'm sleepy but I wanna finally post something) and than as I've gotten better the good foods just sound better, I stuck a piece of minty/brownie gum (extra dessert flavors I think) in my mouth this morning and spit it out so fast for how gross it was in sweetness and that says a lot. And soda just hasn't appealed to me as neither have the old foods I got I mean I had cookies and cupcake the other day almost on an impulse since I wanted a cookie and they didn't have the one I wanted so I got mini cookies and a small cupcake to substitute when I should have just got nothing instead it sat in my stomach like a rock the rest of the night, and the cheesecake I had after dinner tonight just after a couple bites it wasn't as good as remember and I don't think ill have it again.

I hope this continues and I'm gonna work on it to try and get it to, I wanna keep this feeling alive in me I missed feeling this way and I'm tired of numbing myself out with food and saying I'm just to tired for life when that's not true at all. Once this cold finally kicks out of my system I'm gonna get better at the gym, I'm gonna going to the gym on days off (esp. next two weeks of work that are our busy time so I can't get too crazy) and than work up to more around my schedule where possible. I wanna get most of this weight off by the end of this year. I wanna become more of who I wanna be and that only happens with working for myself and my body and world and not against it.

I know this is a lot of talk but this time I think I'm gonna be better on my follow through, I have very high hopes right now and the pictures speak so much volume its hard to ignore them. I also hope you enjoy all the inspiration pictures I've added too.

 

Time to get back to this time line above - weight loss!

One month in to the new year, I haven't quite started yet...

I haven't quite gotten anything moving yet, besides the things that need to happen on a day to day thing.

Let's go off my goals for this year to let you see how I'm doing so far.

Goal one: Sunscreen every day (esp on face) : this one is still neither here nor there on it. I remember some days and some days not. More so I forget when I do wear makeup and it would have helped if my foundation had spf in it but the new stuff I've been trying since last month does not have any. I need to get better at this since my skin mostly burnts and not tans

Goal two: Grow out hair(sticking to one dye come april) : Yes I am still growing my hair out and have not quite come to the urge to cut it yet. Though it has crossed my mind and so has coloring it and such. Here are some pictures (below) of the ideas for eventual goal length/style and also colors and also ideas for cuts come april. As you'll see i'm quite not sure about what to do. So at this point I think I'm gonna stick with a little bit of a ends trim and possibly a side bang since my bangs are incredibly too long)

 

 

 

Goal three: Eat healthy well I'm getting better at that. I did still do one fast food stop since the last post in here. Ive been trying to get better at it though slowly.

 

Goal Four: Gym (up to 5x a week) well lets just say the 5x part didnt happen but I did go about like 10 times in jan so thats better than not going at all. Time to increase that total this month though.

 

Goal Five: Read all borrowed books: yeah lets just say I need to get on that pronto if thats gonna be finished this year. *aka have not done a single page yet*\

 

 

So this was just a little update post of yearly things I"m gonna make a better post about things rolling around in this head of mine here in the next week or so.

 

Happy New Year... :)

I usually try to write these new years posts on the last day of the year prior to the new year, but like a lot of 2012 I was lazy and let it drift on. I let that continue into the new year, but that stops now.

In the posts of the new year I tend to review the past year and than talk about what I want for the new one that is coming. I think this year I'm gonna just let focus on this year and let 2012 rest in peace.

My 2013 Resolutions or goals as I call them:





The sunscreen one I have been doing here and there since new years, not really constant with it like I should but I'm gonna start trying now for sure. 

 

I have been growning my hair out since I cut all off back in April and have not dyed it or cut it since, it will be 9 months come the 19th that I have been growing it out. I'm trying to make it till April again (probably more likely my birthday which is in the first week of May) to do anything to it.  Though I have been off and on thinking about what to do to it dye wise and cut wise once I do decided to do something to it.

 

As you can see underneath in the started quotes is the "kate beckinsale box" well there is this box (picture below on the left) that I have done before and liked it (couple times) and thought of doing since I chopped it off and thought I should have done instead of going the bleach blonde, that I tried to do which made me want to cut my hair off even more than before (since it was fried). Though whats done is done but I have thought of sticking to that color for many months now, and if I do decide to dye it will be that color in that box. I call it the kate beckinsale box because I think the model on the box looks like the actress.

 





"The picture to the right is a color that caught my eye that

I'm liking, but I'm gonna try to stick with one color only if I do dye"

 

 

 

 

So as for the eating healthy goal I have on there how I have been doing since new years? Well the goal says no more soda/rockstars(energy drinks)/ or fast food... and limiting the junk.

 

 The first I was doing prety well, but decided to have pizza for dinner, wouldnt have been as bad but I ate my share between my mom and I (four slices). From than on howerver, that was were I got into trouble.

 

On the way home from work on the 2nd I stopped at taco bell got not only fast food but a soda to drink as well, and than the next day after work I stopped off at a different taco bell and ordered the same thing (well two of the same thing) and the soda. Both times eating as I drove home and threw the trash away (aka the evidence) in the trash can near the mailbox so I wouldnt hear anything from my mom about it. Than that night (the 3rd) we went out to dinner and while I orderd a veggie burger w/ fruit I got a cherry pepsi (with two refills and a take home cup).

 

The next day, yesterday I did pretty well and I managed to incorprate my next goal to get back into the gym, and I made it zumba class. I think what made it really sink in and made me go, was when we went out on errands on Thursday night I decided to replace our scale that for awhile now has been giving weird ranges in numbers. I have this habit of stepping on the scale three times when I check my weight just to get an average. Well each time it ranged in different weights from 5-10lbs different each time. So after replacing that one and getting this new one I stepped on it Friday morning and didnt like what I saw.

 

It said 339 lbs. Meaning not only did I gain back the 62 lbs I lost from my lighest weight back when I was really losing weight steadly I had also added on another 24 lbs. Making it a grand total of a good 86 lbs in the last year or so back on my body. That's pretty much what Stanley (my Rottie/Lab) weighs on average . (85-90lbs). I felt it I saw it, but I did nothing. That stops now. I'm gonna work back to going to the gym as much as possible (up to 5x a week) as my goals state and eat as healthy and well as I can.

 

My last but not least part of my new years resoultions is to finally read all the books I have currently on my book shelf, a lot of which I borrowed from a friend a good three years ago or so. I want to finish them all by new years if not before than, so I can perhaps read more

 ( Left- all the books I wanna read this year) 

 

And last but not least, I really wanna write in here more I want to post updates, and write a lot of stuff that has been circling in my mind lately. Not just about my life but about myself as a person and in general about the world around me as well.

Thanks for reading! :)



Body Image and A letter to Myself

Ever hear that saying, that girls don't dress for boys they dress for other girls because if they did dress for boys they'd just be naked most of the time? In some retrospect I think depending on what we do during a date dress wise or perfume wise, or hair wise it might be for the guy.

Though 95% of the time probably we dress for others to impress to give off this image of who we are, intently or not. We are a culture obsessed with this, if its not to impress or get recognition its to at least give off a image or look that tells the person looking at you perhaps if not who you are a part of you, a vibe.

When half the time the truth of a person is never related to the clothes that they wear, sure a girlie girl is gonna be the one wearing the skirt and heels and be dressed to the quote/unquote nines more than the tom-boy girl who could care less about those things. That is their right and who are we to judge them whether they do it or not. I've felt for a long time that I don't care how you dress or act as long as your not hurting someone else or even yourself doing so because that isn't right. Other than that wave your crazy colored whatever flag you choose and be you.

We are obsessed with body image, with what is the right size or wrong size or whether I look as pretty as someone who has this body while I have that one. Or will I look like her, or her when I finally loose the weight. Will I be happy is the end question that I think a lot of us face, and I don't think that comes with a new dress or a pair of shoes or that new hair color that came straight out of the box on to your head.

Not to say they wont make you feel more you, and not to say you shouldn't go for it if that's what you think is truly you and makes you feel content in your own self. I'm more than happy with trying every hair color in the rainbow to fine the one that is "YOU" and I have. Well maybe not the actual colors of the rainbow, but at least the hair colors of the rainbow if that makes sense.

I'm just trying to become less obsessed with this whole type A body type for a girl to be considered beautiful, I'm not taking pretty and I'm not talking cute. I've been told I'm both on occasions before but few and far between do I ever hear the words you look beautiful and some how that saddens me more than it should. Some how sadly makes me feel like I'm less than those who get that told to them more often than not, though some how I also think it would lose its punch if told a lot as well.

But beautiful is something a girl should hear about her, and I have this small part of me in my mind saying, don't write this because if who ever reads this ever tells you you're beautiful or you look beautiful tonight how can you know they aren't saying for your benefit than not. Though for some reason I think the people I know and associate with reading this wouldn't do that, would only say it if it were true.



In all this I think this whole back and forth on the whole body image someone elses and mine, I realize we all have our own issues and while we think they are so great they are probably so minuscule in compared to what we really are if someone else where looking at us. We are our worst critics after all right?

I wanna say this to myself in regard to all this...

Dear Self-

Lately things have been lacking in just feeling of being complete or having any sort of life other than the daily work and a few errands here and there. Right now I'm in the position of being sick and tired of being sick and tired all the time. Cliche to say but the truth none the less.

Right now I eat just because it sounds good and I can pick it up, it was a lot harder to eat the junk when you didn't have the money to spend on it like you do and we have gotten carried away. It's really not worth it to put the money down on something like that, which will not give your body any benefit but a extra layer to keep warm in the winter but also a higher risk for any heart disease, diabetes, cancer that your family genes already naturally places you in risk for.

Life is not as easy as it was physically and even mentally 50-60lbs ago when we went to the gym and ate a good diet, at least as much as possible. Our body feels out of sorts, tired and sore all the time. One days work which would make us tired for the evening and in turn foe a good night sleep now leaves us sore and less energetic for the next day if working more than one day in a row which happens as we know, each day worse than the next till a good day or so off it seems is the cure.

Looking at the pregnant co-workers at work and realizing you look like them when your not even pregnant, is not a good thing. Feeling like you just need a mini vacation after three days of work that use to just leave you a little worn out means that something isn't right.

Things use to be a lot easier to deal with, our temper use to not fray so easily as well and didn't get sick as often either and we can't blame working with kids on it for much longer. Bodies build up immunity to a lot of things, if given the chance.

Stress was easily dealt with, with a round at the gym or run on the treadmill. Sure it takes effort and energy to do these things but in turn effort and energy come back ten fold. Also our skin was much clearer than and we slept better and felt actually rested afterwords.

Like I said we are sick and tired of being sick and tired and how its come to pass when remembering all the ways we use to feel back before we re-gained the weight we lost. Getting stuck on the whole self image and wondering why we didn't look anything like the people we thought we should.

Or even trying to compare ourselves to anyone else, there is only failure there. It's nice to look at someone for encouragement but to make them the person you strive to be will never work because they are taken its all about being yourself. That's who your born to be and if you don't feel like your there yet in being you the best possible you and wanna tweak a few thing and be healthy and happy than remember to do the things that need to be done.

Because in the end as we remember from before you wont regret it.

-Danielle.




 

A Whole Lot of Nothing...

It's been forever and a day since I wrote anything in here and its due to sheer laziness. Lately though it seems whenever I even attempt to write something, my thoughts of what to say and how to say it all come at me like a herd of galloping stampeding horses to the front of my mind and finger tips and my thoughts get all jumbled and I get lost in what I even wanna write about. Than I say forget it because suddenly something else sounds better, most of the time sleep since I like writing in late afternoon to late at night/ early in the morning really type of deal. And this might not be the greatest of posts because now that my face mask has been washed away; what kept me up thinking while it dried and made me want to write is now done I'm seriously starting to doze.

Lets just state what is happening and leave any motivational inspiration stuff to another more awake me to post.

Tomorrow will mark one year of employment at my current job, whoot whoot! I'm happy for that and glad I finally feel like I have something going of me.

Um, I did go ahead and purchase my KIA soul after test driving it back just before September, love it! Not the payments mind you but the factor that it's my baby and I'm paying for it (minus insurance lol) I'm excited for that.

I think that's the only good news right now...so

I'm pretty much back at my heaviest weight of all, prior to weight loss plus probably 10-15 extra pounds. I seriously am so done being over weight. Feeling fat and just disgusting and tired because, it doesn't make you wanna go work out even if you know its a simple change of clothes and drive to the gym, or heck walk over to my complex gym too. Cardio room with a few treadmills and etc and a weight room of four/five machines. Plus heck I have Wii fit and Wii zumba... yea know the more I write this I realize how lazy I "REALLY" am.

Plus most of my clothes don't fit anymore, like at all. Pretty much mostly pants since for the most part I tend to buy my shirts on the bigger sizes just because I do have a bigger chest/thicker arms and not so short of a torso, plus so we don't have shrinkage issue that sometimes drying and washing do cause. Though I didn't blame the washer and drying for the my clothes becoming too small this time like the last. I knew and went back and forth about changing and than in the end just let the number go up and watch it do so when I weighed myself in.

I hate being out of breath doing the simplest I hate how bad my skin is lately I don't like feeling like a bag of lumpy potatoes, and I swear since my boobs grew with the weight they seem to blend in or start to with my stomach, which has gained but not as much as my thighs/hips and butt.

I keep telling myself OK today, or OK this week or OK for sure doing this on Friday or whatever. Hasn't happened.

Weirdly out of everything in my life I have really only two good news things to post and one major bad one, everything else is kinda on the neutral side of things.

Well, it's short and I'll for sure promise a better post next time but I need to at least vent where I'm at right now to get some of the raging horses out of my mind to clearly think better, if nothing else.

Life Can Be A Three-Ring Circus Sometimes...

I think I've started this post over a thousand times in my head. I never seem to be at the "right-moment" to write it either. It gets too late and I don't wanna write or its to early and I'm not inspired enough. Or I have to look at Pinterest one last time for the millionth time in that day first and get side-tracked.

Lots of stuff has been happening good and semi-daunting all the same but nothing but good news in most of the changes at least on the job front any ways. In two weeks I shall have been at my current job TEN whole months! While most would go, that's all? When you were out of a job for two good years but some seasonal work it means a lot. Plus, when you just got trained in a new position in which is considered a promotion of sorts with a pay raise, and than finally being trained in the one area you wish you had been months ago it makes that job feel a little more secure of a thing.

It becomes daunting in the aspect that one new part of my job(the promotion/pay raise part), I'm doing a lot of on stage stuff with some of the kids who come in for my job now and I've always had a bit of a stage fright thing. I use to think it was more on the singing side of things but heck one night of karaoke and by third song I was over it. With this aspect not so much, and maybe that's because it's my job and I don't want to well bluntly: fuck it up. I have my first "real" go at this tomorrow morning which I'm just hoping goes alright I think like the karaoke once I get it done a couple times with a couple different groups it will be a piece of cake. Though part(s) of me keep tempting to go, well I know you just trained me and I know I said I wanted this but umm I've changed my mind and I'm over it.... I know that I'm not I'm just nervous out of my comfort zone and well as much as I think I'd like a little attention I'm not sure this is what I meant by that lol.

I have also had jitters about my job latley with all the new stuff going on because I think this is the most involved I have been in any of my jobs in prior history of being employed. On the floor day to day the only thing I don't do is be a shift lead I am trained and can do anything else. Minus stuff that is higher up like mangemement and all the other inner workings of the company as well. The managment people who reviewed my stuff when I was doing my one formal things in training about how they want me to feel so good about doing it that one day I could maybe be a trainer for it myself. Which got my mind reeling about staying there and being more and doing more for the company and slightly freaking about being there forever.

I'm not sure that's where I wanna be forever, but not sure I don't either. I think the whole freak out part is the forever part. I get in this idea that I'm gonna miss out on something else more if I'm too much into one thing and maybe I'm waiting for something to happen in my past to inspire something in my future more so to lead me somewhere. Though maybe I should be making stuff in my present so great that is makes my future that much brighter and just go from there.  Past is done with after all. It's what you do now that shape everything else.

I've been saving money also much more better lately because I really wanna replace my car by New Years, I figured I'll be fine in payments, as long as I'm good with saving esp with the pay-raise and etc and have my minimum in my account to avoid fee's if I don't bring in with direct deposit than I wont be pinged for it. This as started all because my car no matter where I park for the most park no matter if I crack my windows or put up the sun shade thing, without AC it is an oven after work. Or any time I go out to do something and can't park where it's under shade in a port of some sort or a tree if possible.

 I'm thinking of going for a KIA Soul but I wanna test drive it first and see for sure. It's either that or a different color version of my mom's car (HONDA Fit) that I love and pretty much talked her into trading her truck for. I need to clean up my car (wash/clean out inside) and also get the title in my name (should be done by Labor Day) and save that minimum in my account (plus an extra padding amount just in case) before I even go down to KIA for a test drive on the Soul to make up my mind. I hope I can get at least 500 if not 600 for my car but we shall see it's in good condition I think, minus no air and some inside details been gone/worn off and the right headlight getting stuck and not popping up like it should all the time.

(Ignore the ad part, I just wanted this image to show both... I'd want it in black-either-)

 

I'm pretty close to getting all those things met so I can go see how it would all work out, if I can get it or not. I'd be tempted if it didn't work out with KIA to just go ahead and see what HONDA would say just for wonderment.

Another part of my life that I have written a lot about in this blog has derailed a bit or well totally as of lately. I don't think I've stepped foot into the gym since like right after my birthday. Which is a ironic since I just renewed my membership in June and haven't been (though I do that because I only pay 24 bucks a year and I don't want that deal to go down the drain.) since which is just funny. I need to get just go, I keep telling myself I will do it and I haven't. Even when work gives me the usual days off that I use to go (and let me off in time for Zumba class on Fridays) I just haven't been going. Because "I" decided not to.

There is no magic reason for this there is no injury or cause of it. I've just not done it. It's like tempting to write this post, I think I made three status updates on Facebook about saying I needed to write before I actually did /am. Also my eating has been junkie as crap lately and I can tell since my skin is telling me so esp on my face and well this may not be related by also my legs prior to shaving them today their hair is the darkest and longest I've seen it in a long time. I don't shave my legs as often as I should since I wear pants most of the time and because my hair naturally is blonde and can't be seen easily and also because lately when I do go out its for work (Plus I hardly have any that fit, if they fit in the waist they are too tight in the thigh and vice version if they are fine it the thigh too tight in the waist, which is so odd but true). This also may be a little TMI but my period which can be on like clock work when I'm at least working out regularly and "trying" to eat right is being MIA here and there. I think I had it in July... I think. (Don't do anything to make it not come so weight has gotta be it.)

I need to work into my schedule again and let it become routine, instead of sitting on my butt web surfing and zoning out on TV whenever I get a day off. Which yes is good to zone out and chill, but not when you've been off since Saturday afternoon and have don't nothing but that and maybe walk the dog and of course shower here there. Till today when I actually got some cleaning done. I'm lazy and it needs to stop, I don't feel comfortable even more so now than before with the extra weight back on me (back to 300lbs sadly enough) and maybe that's why I'm feeling the heat more so than I remember or perhaps its just hotter (or just a combination of all things).

Latley it's been a lot of I need to do this or I should do this. For example...

I need/should wear sun screen all over more often-haven't but perhaps face I've added a bit into my mositorizer in the mornings before I do my makeup. (rest of body still nothing)
I need to get into a better routine of cleaning the apartment weekly/daily whatever : wait till I can't stand it anymore and get in a roll of doing odd jobs that have gotten out of control to do anything, and do it all over again next month.
I need to eat better: goes and eats too much good for you foods so the good quality is canceled out or just goes bananas somewhere in selection and eats pass being stuffed.
I should go to the gym: doesn't go to the gym...
I need/should lose weight: gains weight instead
I need to start a sleeping pattern: does so when working sleeps till 12-1pm on days off. (stays up till almost four when doesn't have to be at work the next couple days some days as well).
Need to write more: contempliate but never do
 Want to draw or paint more....only doodle.

.... I need to get better, I feel like I should said I just need to "GROW UP".

 

 



 

Maybe it's not the need to as I say "GROW UP" but perhaps start to change and make a routine and make a life and a purpose. At least a direction in life instead of this see-saw of maybe's and should be's and could be's stuff. A life is meant to be lived not to just exist in for however long you are here. One direction doesnt have to just go down one path, heck it never does because that's life. It's a roller coaster and loop-de-loop, with and ending that you won't see coming so you gotta make the most of it while you have it.

 

Easier said than done as always, bye-golly I'm gonna try to do my best and thats all I can really do.