Lots of stuff has been happening good and semi-daunting all the same but nothing but good news in most of the changes at least on the job front any ways. In two weeks I shall have been at my current job TEN whole months! While most would go, that's all? When you were out of a job for two good years but some seasonal work it means a lot. Plus, when you just got trained in a new position in which is considered a promotion of sorts with a pay raise, and than finally being trained in the one area you wish you had been months ago it makes that job feel a little more secure of a thing.
It becomes daunting in the aspect that one new part of my job(the promotion/pay raise part), I'm doing a lot of on stage stuff with some of the kids who come in for my job now and I've always had a bit of a stage fright thing. I use to think it was more on the singing side of things but heck one night of karaoke and by third song I was over it. With this aspect not so much, and maybe that's because it's my job and I don't want to well bluntly: fuck it up. I have my first "real" go at this tomorrow morning which I'm just hoping goes alright I think like the karaoke once I get it done a couple times with a couple different groups it will be a piece of cake. Though part(s) of me keep tempting to go, well I know you just trained me and I know I said I wanted this but umm I've changed my mind and I'm over it.... I know that I'm not I'm just nervous out of my comfort zone and well as much as I think I'd like a little attention I'm not sure this is what I meant by that lol.
I have also had jitters about my job latley with all the new stuff going on because I think this is the most involved I have been in any of my jobs in prior history of being employed. On the floor day to day the only thing I don't do is be a shift lead I am trained and can do anything else. Minus stuff that is higher up like mangemement and all the other inner workings of the company as well. The managment people who reviewed my stuff when I was doing my one formal things in training about how they want me to feel so good about doing it that one day I could maybe be a trainer for it myself. Which got my mind reeling about staying there and being more and doing more for the company and slightly freaking about being there forever.
I'm not sure that's where I wanna be forever, but not sure I don't either. I think the whole freak out part is the forever part. I get in this idea that I'm gonna miss out on something else more if I'm too much into one thing and maybe I'm waiting for something to happen in my past to inspire something in my future more so to lead me somewhere. Though maybe I should be making stuff in my present so great that is makes my future that much brighter and just go from there. Past is done with after all. It's what you do now that shape everything else.
I've been saving money also much more better lately because I really wanna replace my car by New Years, I figured I'll be fine in payments, as long as I'm good with saving esp with the pay-raise and etc and have my minimum in my account to avoid fee's if I don't bring in with direct deposit than I wont be pinged for it. This as started all because my car no matter where I park for the most park no matter if I crack my windows or put up the sun shade thing, without AC it is an oven after work. Or any time I go out to do something and can't park where it's under shade in a port of some sort or a tree if possible.
I'm thinking of going for a KIA Soul but I wanna test drive it first and see for sure. It's either that or a different color version of my mom's car (HONDA Fit) that I love and pretty much talked her into trading her truck for. I need to clean up my car (wash/clean out inside) and also get the title in my name (should be done by Labor Day) and save that minimum in my account (plus an extra padding amount just in case) before I even go down to KIA for a test drive on the Soul to make up my mind. I hope I can get at least 500 if not 600 for my car but we shall see it's in good condition I think, minus no air and some inside details been gone/worn off and the right headlight getting stuck and not popping up like it should all the time.
(Ignore the ad part, I just wanted this image to show both... I'd want it in black-either-)
I'm pretty close to getting all those things met so I can go see how it would all work out, if I can get it or not. I'd be tempted if it didn't work out with KIA to just go ahead and see what HONDA would say just for wonderment.
Another part of my life that I have written a lot about in this blog has derailed a bit or well totally as of lately. I don't think I've stepped foot into the gym since like right after my birthday. Which is a ironic since I just renewed my membership in June and haven't been (though I do that because I only pay 24 bucks a year and I don't want that deal to go down the drain.) since which is just funny. I need to get just go, I keep telling myself I will do it and I haven't. Even when work gives me the usual days off that I use to go (and let me off in time for Zumba class on Fridays) I just haven't been going. Because "I" decided not to.
There is no magic reason for this there is no injury or cause of it. I've just not done it. It's like tempting to write this post, I think I made three status updates on Facebook about saying I needed to write before I actually did /am. Also my eating has been junkie as crap lately and I can tell since my skin is telling me so esp on my face and well this may not be related by also my legs prior to shaving them today their hair is the darkest and longest I've seen it in a long time. I don't shave my legs as often as I should since I wear pants most of the time and because my hair naturally is blonde and can't be seen easily and also because lately when I do go out its for work (Plus I hardly have any that fit, if they fit in the waist they are too tight in the thigh and vice version if they are fine it the thigh too tight in the waist, which is so odd but true). This also may be a little TMI but my period which can be on like clock work when I'm at least working out regularly and "trying" to eat right is being MIA here and there. I think I had it in July... I think. (Don't do anything to make it not come so weight has gotta be it.)
I need to work into my schedule again and let it become routine, instead of sitting on my butt web surfing and zoning out on TV whenever I get a day off. Which yes is good to zone out and chill, but not when you've been off since Saturday afternoon and have don't nothing but that and maybe walk the dog and of course shower here there. Till today when I actually got some cleaning done. I'm lazy and it needs to stop, I don't feel comfortable even more so now than before with the extra weight back on me (back to 300lbs sadly enough) and maybe that's why I'm feeling the heat more so than I remember or perhaps its just hotter (or just a combination of all things).
Latley it's been a lot of I need to do this or I should do this. For example...
I need/should wear sun screen all over more often-haven't but perhaps face I've added a bit into my mositorizer in the mornings before I do my makeup. (rest of body still nothing)
I need to get into a better routine of cleaning the apartment weekly/daily whatever : wait till I can't stand it anymore and get in a roll of doing odd jobs that have gotten out of control to do anything, and do it all over again next month.
I need to eat better: goes and eats too much good for you foods so the good quality is canceled out or just goes bananas somewhere in selection and eats pass being stuffed.
I should go to the gym: doesn't go to the gym...
I need/should lose weight: gains weight instead
I need to start a sleeping pattern: does so when working sleeps till 12-1pm on days off. (stays up till almost four when doesn't have to be at work the next couple days some days as well).
Need to write more: contempliate but never do
Want to draw or paint more....only doodle.
.... I need to get better, I feel like I should said I just need to "GROW UP".
Maybe it's not the need to as I say "GROW UP" but perhaps start to change and make a routine and make a life and a purpose. At least a direction in life instead of this see-saw of maybe's and should be's and could be's stuff. A life is meant to be lived not to just exist in for however long you are here. One direction doesnt have to just go down one path, heck it never does because that's life. It's a roller coaster and loop-de-loop, with and ending that you won't see coming so you gotta make the most of it while you have it.
Easier said than done as always, bye-golly I'm gonna try to do my best and thats all I can really do.
As always I feel like you took several of this right out of MY head! haha. I've told you this before but we are so much alike in so many ways.I just can't express myself the way you do. You do it so well. I know for me personally, I always set all of these goals and things that I want to do. I even write them down from time to time and I feel SO EXTREMELY motivated in the moment Im thinking of them and then the minute I get an opportunity to do one of those things or work on it I put it off. I can't figure out why I stop myself, especially when so much of it is so important to me. But it's a never ending pattern I hope to one day break! I love that you write your feelings and everything so openly.You are amazing girl! Don't you forget it and try not to be too hard on yourself when you have a slip up here and there. You can do anything you put your mind to. I often find myself envious of some the talents you have. Even your overall cheerfulness and positive outlook on life. I wish I was better in that way. Keep up the desire to "live your life and not just exist" You are going to find where you want to be before you know it! Love you girly! -Kristen
ReplyDeleteHahah. I do that same, write than push it away in a notebook to be scribbled out later when it makes no sense. I've even tried to write myself a weekly if not daily schedule of wake up do this that and this and than that and this before bed. May work day or two tops till I slid off. I've notice though once you get in the habit of doing something it does stick till you try to slack, once its ok by twice and its pushing. I dont know why that is.
ReplyDeleteThank you for all the compliements by the way I'm honored by them and needed them tonight, I'm beyond nervous for tomorrow. You'd think that kids opinions wouldnt freak me out so much but they do haha. I think sadly I let everyone's opinion matter to me prhaps a little too much.
ANd you will break that habit I know you will. It takes some time but yes you will. Take it one thing at a time, it's what I've found works best. I just need to start small too and work my way up to it all haha.
Part of being human I guess we want it all but can't do it all, at least at the same time anyways. :)