Body Image and A letter to Myself

Ever hear that saying, that girls don't dress for boys they dress for other girls because if they did dress for boys they'd just be naked most of the time? In some retrospect I think depending on what we do during a date dress wise or perfume wise, or hair wise it might be for the guy.

Though 95% of the time probably we dress for others to impress to give off this image of who we are, intently or not. We are a culture obsessed with this, if its not to impress or get recognition its to at least give off a image or look that tells the person looking at you perhaps if not who you are a part of you, a vibe.

When half the time the truth of a person is never related to the clothes that they wear, sure a girlie girl is gonna be the one wearing the skirt and heels and be dressed to the quote/unquote nines more than the tom-boy girl who could care less about those things. That is their right and who are we to judge them whether they do it or not. I've felt for a long time that I don't care how you dress or act as long as your not hurting someone else or even yourself doing so because that isn't right. Other than that wave your crazy colored whatever flag you choose and be you.

We are obsessed with body image, with what is the right size or wrong size or whether I look as pretty as someone who has this body while I have that one. Or will I look like her, or her when I finally loose the weight. Will I be happy is the end question that I think a lot of us face, and I don't think that comes with a new dress or a pair of shoes or that new hair color that came straight out of the box on to your head.

Not to say they wont make you feel more you, and not to say you shouldn't go for it if that's what you think is truly you and makes you feel content in your own self. I'm more than happy with trying every hair color in the rainbow to fine the one that is "YOU" and I have. Well maybe not the actual colors of the rainbow, but at least the hair colors of the rainbow if that makes sense.

I'm just trying to become less obsessed with this whole type A body type for a girl to be considered beautiful, I'm not taking pretty and I'm not talking cute. I've been told I'm both on occasions before but few and far between do I ever hear the words you look beautiful and some how that saddens me more than it should. Some how sadly makes me feel like I'm less than those who get that told to them more often than not, though some how I also think it would lose its punch if told a lot as well.

But beautiful is something a girl should hear about her, and I have this small part of me in my mind saying, don't write this because if who ever reads this ever tells you you're beautiful or you look beautiful tonight how can you know they aren't saying for your benefit than not. Though for some reason I think the people I know and associate with reading this wouldn't do that, would only say it if it were true.



In all this I think this whole back and forth on the whole body image someone elses and mine, I realize we all have our own issues and while we think they are so great they are probably so minuscule in compared to what we really are if someone else where looking at us. We are our worst critics after all right?

I wanna say this to myself in regard to all this...

Dear Self-

Lately things have been lacking in just feeling of being complete or having any sort of life other than the daily work and a few errands here and there. Right now I'm in the position of being sick and tired of being sick and tired all the time. Cliche to say but the truth none the less.

Right now I eat just because it sounds good and I can pick it up, it was a lot harder to eat the junk when you didn't have the money to spend on it like you do and we have gotten carried away. It's really not worth it to put the money down on something like that, which will not give your body any benefit but a extra layer to keep warm in the winter but also a higher risk for any heart disease, diabetes, cancer that your family genes already naturally places you in risk for.

Life is not as easy as it was physically and even mentally 50-60lbs ago when we went to the gym and ate a good diet, at least as much as possible. Our body feels out of sorts, tired and sore all the time. One days work which would make us tired for the evening and in turn foe a good night sleep now leaves us sore and less energetic for the next day if working more than one day in a row which happens as we know, each day worse than the next till a good day or so off it seems is the cure.

Looking at the pregnant co-workers at work and realizing you look like them when your not even pregnant, is not a good thing. Feeling like you just need a mini vacation after three days of work that use to just leave you a little worn out means that something isn't right.

Things use to be a lot easier to deal with, our temper use to not fray so easily as well and didn't get sick as often either and we can't blame working with kids on it for much longer. Bodies build up immunity to a lot of things, if given the chance.

Stress was easily dealt with, with a round at the gym or run on the treadmill. Sure it takes effort and energy to do these things but in turn effort and energy come back ten fold. Also our skin was much clearer than and we slept better and felt actually rested afterwords.

Like I said we are sick and tired of being sick and tired and how its come to pass when remembering all the ways we use to feel back before we re-gained the weight we lost. Getting stuck on the whole self image and wondering why we didn't look anything like the people we thought we should.

Or even trying to compare ourselves to anyone else, there is only failure there. It's nice to look at someone for encouragement but to make them the person you strive to be will never work because they are taken its all about being yourself. That's who your born to be and if you don't feel like your there yet in being you the best possible you and wanna tweak a few thing and be healthy and happy than remember to do the things that need to be done.

Because in the end as we remember from before you wont regret it.

-Danielle.




 

A Whole Lot of Nothing...

It's been forever and a day since I wrote anything in here and its due to sheer laziness. Lately though it seems whenever I even attempt to write something, my thoughts of what to say and how to say it all come at me like a herd of galloping stampeding horses to the front of my mind and finger tips and my thoughts get all jumbled and I get lost in what I even wanna write about. Than I say forget it because suddenly something else sounds better, most of the time sleep since I like writing in late afternoon to late at night/ early in the morning really type of deal. And this might not be the greatest of posts because now that my face mask has been washed away; what kept me up thinking while it dried and made me want to write is now done I'm seriously starting to doze.

Lets just state what is happening and leave any motivational inspiration stuff to another more awake me to post.

Tomorrow will mark one year of employment at my current job, whoot whoot! I'm happy for that and glad I finally feel like I have something going of me.

Um, I did go ahead and purchase my KIA soul after test driving it back just before September, love it! Not the payments mind you but the factor that it's my baby and I'm paying for it (minus insurance lol) I'm excited for that.

I think that's the only good news right now...so

I'm pretty much back at my heaviest weight of all, prior to weight loss plus probably 10-15 extra pounds. I seriously am so done being over weight. Feeling fat and just disgusting and tired because, it doesn't make you wanna go work out even if you know its a simple change of clothes and drive to the gym, or heck walk over to my complex gym too. Cardio room with a few treadmills and etc and a weight room of four/five machines. Plus heck I have Wii fit and Wii zumba... yea know the more I write this I realize how lazy I "REALLY" am.

Plus most of my clothes don't fit anymore, like at all. Pretty much mostly pants since for the most part I tend to buy my shirts on the bigger sizes just because I do have a bigger chest/thicker arms and not so short of a torso, plus so we don't have shrinkage issue that sometimes drying and washing do cause. Though I didn't blame the washer and drying for the my clothes becoming too small this time like the last. I knew and went back and forth about changing and than in the end just let the number go up and watch it do so when I weighed myself in.

I hate being out of breath doing the simplest I hate how bad my skin is lately I don't like feeling like a bag of lumpy potatoes, and I swear since my boobs grew with the weight they seem to blend in or start to with my stomach, which has gained but not as much as my thighs/hips and butt.

I keep telling myself OK today, or OK this week or OK for sure doing this on Friday or whatever. Hasn't happened.

Weirdly out of everything in my life I have really only two good news things to post and one major bad one, everything else is kinda on the neutral side of things.

Well, it's short and I'll for sure promise a better post next time but I need to at least vent where I'm at right now to get some of the raging horses out of my mind to clearly think better, if nothing else.

Life Can Be A Three-Ring Circus Sometimes...

I think I've started this post over a thousand times in my head. I never seem to be at the "right-moment" to write it either. It gets too late and I don't wanna write or its to early and I'm not inspired enough. Or I have to look at Pinterest one last time for the millionth time in that day first and get side-tracked.

Lots of stuff has been happening good and semi-daunting all the same but nothing but good news in most of the changes at least on the job front any ways. In two weeks I shall have been at my current job TEN whole months! While most would go, that's all? When you were out of a job for two good years but some seasonal work it means a lot. Plus, when you just got trained in a new position in which is considered a promotion of sorts with a pay raise, and than finally being trained in the one area you wish you had been months ago it makes that job feel a little more secure of a thing.

It becomes daunting in the aspect that one new part of my job(the promotion/pay raise part), I'm doing a lot of on stage stuff with some of the kids who come in for my job now and I've always had a bit of a stage fright thing. I use to think it was more on the singing side of things but heck one night of karaoke and by third song I was over it. With this aspect not so much, and maybe that's because it's my job and I don't want to well bluntly: fuck it up. I have my first "real" go at this tomorrow morning which I'm just hoping goes alright I think like the karaoke once I get it done a couple times with a couple different groups it will be a piece of cake. Though part(s) of me keep tempting to go, well I know you just trained me and I know I said I wanted this but umm I've changed my mind and I'm over it.... I know that I'm not I'm just nervous out of my comfort zone and well as much as I think I'd like a little attention I'm not sure this is what I meant by that lol.

I have also had jitters about my job latley with all the new stuff going on because I think this is the most involved I have been in any of my jobs in prior history of being employed. On the floor day to day the only thing I don't do is be a shift lead I am trained and can do anything else. Minus stuff that is higher up like mangemement and all the other inner workings of the company as well. The managment people who reviewed my stuff when I was doing my one formal things in training about how they want me to feel so good about doing it that one day I could maybe be a trainer for it myself. Which got my mind reeling about staying there and being more and doing more for the company and slightly freaking about being there forever.

I'm not sure that's where I wanna be forever, but not sure I don't either. I think the whole freak out part is the forever part. I get in this idea that I'm gonna miss out on something else more if I'm too much into one thing and maybe I'm waiting for something to happen in my past to inspire something in my future more so to lead me somewhere. Though maybe I should be making stuff in my present so great that is makes my future that much brighter and just go from there.  Past is done with after all. It's what you do now that shape everything else.

I've been saving money also much more better lately because I really wanna replace my car by New Years, I figured I'll be fine in payments, as long as I'm good with saving esp with the pay-raise and etc and have my minimum in my account to avoid fee's if I don't bring in with direct deposit than I wont be pinged for it. This as started all because my car no matter where I park for the most park no matter if I crack my windows or put up the sun shade thing, without AC it is an oven after work. Or any time I go out to do something and can't park where it's under shade in a port of some sort or a tree if possible.

 I'm thinking of going for a KIA Soul but I wanna test drive it first and see for sure. It's either that or a different color version of my mom's car (HONDA Fit) that I love and pretty much talked her into trading her truck for. I need to clean up my car (wash/clean out inside) and also get the title in my name (should be done by Labor Day) and save that minimum in my account (plus an extra padding amount just in case) before I even go down to KIA for a test drive on the Soul to make up my mind. I hope I can get at least 500 if not 600 for my car but we shall see it's in good condition I think, minus no air and some inside details been gone/worn off and the right headlight getting stuck and not popping up like it should all the time.

(Ignore the ad part, I just wanted this image to show both... I'd want it in black-either-)

 

I'm pretty close to getting all those things met so I can go see how it would all work out, if I can get it or not. I'd be tempted if it didn't work out with KIA to just go ahead and see what HONDA would say just for wonderment.

Another part of my life that I have written a lot about in this blog has derailed a bit or well totally as of lately. I don't think I've stepped foot into the gym since like right after my birthday. Which is a ironic since I just renewed my membership in June and haven't been (though I do that because I only pay 24 bucks a year and I don't want that deal to go down the drain.) since which is just funny. I need to get just go, I keep telling myself I will do it and I haven't. Even when work gives me the usual days off that I use to go (and let me off in time for Zumba class on Fridays) I just haven't been going. Because "I" decided not to.

There is no magic reason for this there is no injury or cause of it. I've just not done it. It's like tempting to write this post, I think I made three status updates on Facebook about saying I needed to write before I actually did /am. Also my eating has been junkie as crap lately and I can tell since my skin is telling me so esp on my face and well this may not be related by also my legs prior to shaving them today their hair is the darkest and longest I've seen it in a long time. I don't shave my legs as often as I should since I wear pants most of the time and because my hair naturally is blonde and can't be seen easily and also because lately when I do go out its for work (Plus I hardly have any that fit, if they fit in the waist they are too tight in the thigh and vice version if they are fine it the thigh too tight in the waist, which is so odd but true). This also may be a little TMI but my period which can be on like clock work when I'm at least working out regularly and "trying" to eat right is being MIA here and there. I think I had it in July... I think. (Don't do anything to make it not come so weight has gotta be it.)

I need to work into my schedule again and let it become routine, instead of sitting on my butt web surfing and zoning out on TV whenever I get a day off. Which yes is good to zone out and chill, but not when you've been off since Saturday afternoon and have don't nothing but that and maybe walk the dog and of course shower here there. Till today when I actually got some cleaning done. I'm lazy and it needs to stop, I don't feel comfortable even more so now than before with the extra weight back on me (back to 300lbs sadly enough) and maybe that's why I'm feeling the heat more so than I remember or perhaps its just hotter (or just a combination of all things).

Latley it's been a lot of I need to do this or I should do this. For example...

I need/should wear sun screen all over more often-haven't but perhaps face I've added a bit into my mositorizer in the mornings before I do my makeup. (rest of body still nothing)
I need to get into a better routine of cleaning the apartment weekly/daily whatever : wait till I can't stand it anymore and get in a roll of doing odd jobs that have gotten out of control to do anything, and do it all over again next month.
I need to eat better: goes and eats too much good for you foods so the good quality is canceled out or just goes bananas somewhere in selection and eats pass being stuffed.
I should go to the gym: doesn't go to the gym...
I need/should lose weight: gains weight instead
I need to start a sleeping pattern: does so when working sleeps till 12-1pm on days off. (stays up till almost four when doesn't have to be at work the next couple days some days as well).
Need to write more: contempliate but never do
 Want to draw or paint more....only doodle.

.... I need to get better, I feel like I should said I just need to "GROW UP".

 

 



 

Maybe it's not the need to as I say "GROW UP" but perhaps start to change and make a routine and make a life and a purpose. At least a direction in life instead of this see-saw of maybe's and should be's and could be's stuff. A life is meant to be lived not to just exist in for however long you are here. One direction doesnt have to just go down one path, heck it never does because that's life. It's a roller coaster and loop-de-loop, with and ending that you won't see coming so you gotta make the most of it while you have it.

 

Easier said than done as always, bye-golly I'm gonna try to do my best and thats all I can really do.

 

The good, The Bad and Perhaps... the ugly?

They always say it’s best to stick with the good news first when it comes to having both good news and bad. Well, I don’t know who they are but I think that advice is pretty sound.

The good, is that it has been now officially just over 8 months since I have had my job now. YAY! Go me! Plus I got my review in a couple days ago and it was all good and I was told I was an asset to the company and that to keep up the good work and that everyone enjoys working with me.  Whoot makes me feel a little more secure in my job position. Also maybe in small ways makes me like my job a lot more knowing its going somewhere especially when they say that they want to help me grow within the company as well.

Now the bad, I’m almost at the point of being over about even talking about it anymore, sometimes I just want to give up and move on but the tightening of my waist band on my pants is stopping me from throwing in the towel and doing so completely.

 I must admit though in some way (most) I have lost the motivation and inspiration I once had for this, but I’ve also lost a lot of that for most things in my life right now. I feel like I’m in no man’s land just drifting by waiting for a cause to wake me up and start me new again, than again when I say that I feel like I’m talking out of my ass.

Part of me wants to get started once and for all on this weight loss thing and get down to the weight I want to be at and feel like I think I will when I get there, though part of me thinks that even at goal weight that may not happen so why even bother.

Though part of me doesn’t necessarily agree with that since I can’t stop thinking about changing my eating habits and getting back into the gym again. Sometimes I also think that I eat the way I do to feel something or at least have something interesting in my day even if it’s something yummy or something labeled “bad” for you which in retrospect seems childish.

Maybe that is in fact what  this all is, my want to hold on to my childhood to not let go or hell my rebellion that we go through when growing up since I never really did that growing up, and never really did act out or anything in that sort of manner that some kids do.

I also think that is a lot of mumbo-jumbo and while could be some small hidden truths there I don’t quite know what it is that makes me eat the way I do; I know I’m an emotional eater. Stress especially, and a lot lately I just feel like I’m stressed out because I still don’t have any life direction and it’s made oh so clear by people around me moving on in their lives.

Moving out on their own: getting married, having kids. It’s just this all sudden … hey wait a second? When did we become grown-ups or when did everyone else and why do I still feel like a little kid who hasn’t quite grown up yet.  It reminds me about how when people see you after a long time and they say oh you haven’t changed a bit! And while I guess it should be a compliment it also feels like a dig especially when said person saying it (or anyone really) has so much more to their life than you do. Also it feels like hey you haven’t done shit in your life, congratulations!

Part of me is realizing in all this it’s my narcissistic need to get over myself again and realize it’s not about me, I have an issue where I feel like every little face or laugh or whisper is something said about me good or bad it’s about me and for some reason if it is I WANNA KNOW! I really don’t know why but I just have always had this weird vibe that every chuckle behind my back is a joke at my expense and every weird look is some negative thought about me that said person is thinking. When in reality I know I’m not that important and I need to have a jump off my high horse.

In all that I believe it’s just because I’m not as assured with myself as I’d like to be not happy with the person in the mirror as I’d wish to be.  Not to say I’d want to be totally content every day with appearance, there are days where I could care less and sweats(or yoga pants) and a comfy t-shirt are just what are needed. Though I must say I have totally not felt like myself since I chopped my hair off, yes it’s cute and its fun for the most part but it’s just not me. I want to be able to throw it up when I want to I want to be able to curl it when I want to. I miss my hair and as I guess as vain as this sounds my hair is a part of me, a part of my identity.

Just like I guess feeling my healthiest and feeding my body right and making it strong are probably key components in feeling like myself more so than stuffing my face with cakes and sodas are. Plus the after math of bloated belly and sugar over-load gross out ness is never ever fun.

Neither are the lately winded breaths after taking the stairs up at work whenever I have to go up them. Or the fact that just four hours of standing on my feet they start to ache and what use to be just some tired soreness of being on my feet for an eight hour day becomes what I would feel after an all-day walk around Disneyland from waist down.

I guess in the end it’s not about the flat stomach, the rock hard body or the bikini it’s about the inner strength that comes through when you’re putting your best foot forward in life and giving it your all. And letting your body work its magic the way it was meant to, in a healthy/ balanced way.

I think once I got me figured out and balanced in the head and body, I’ll be able to jump off that cliff so to speak and figure out my life dreams and goals and be where I want to be.

Me and my scatter brain....

I haven't been really great at all things lately and been a little scattered brained so to speak in the past couple months or well month since I last posted. I haven't really dont anything concrete but work on the days I have to, and while these last couple days I have been letting myself slide with less guilt because of a cold I have gained and still trying to get rid of the last bit of it. I think if I had started to be on top of things and ate better, and got back to working out I wouldn't have gained this cold to begin with.

The month of May instead of getting back to the gym I went here and there with really, no rhyme or reason to it. I also didnt really eat better, that was one day here and there as well. In the process I gained a good oh ten pounds over that month and am now I'm less than 20lbs from my heaviest weight that  I started at when I started losing weight about almost four years ago.

I keep feeling down on myself to get better or just give up period, trust me its crossed my mind, and that doesnt help. I also keep getting inspired to do a total turn around late at night when instead of going to bed at a decent hour I ponder websites of weightloss stories and look at before and afters and other pictures of actresses and models I wished I looked like instead myself; not a big confidence/self-esteem booster.

Though I have to say all the junk while in the first moments it taste good and in theory it always sounds delcious I have to say the truth at the end of it not always the best part of my day. Not to say I always regret the junk or the sweets or whatever it may be. Though its not the highlight of my day which I guess food shouldnt be, but for as much as I let myself indulge it seems lately you think it would be.

Besides all that when I've been not working I dont do anything when I can. I mostly just sit around and think maybe I should or maybe this day when I'm off again or after work on the way home this day. I guess the only bright side to that whole contemplation, is that I've been working now (as of this past tuesday) for seven months. What a change around huh? I wish I could say that about a lot more in my life right than I do.

I need to set up some type of plan or schedule for each week and follow through with it, and unless for some odd not-seen reason things change that mess up that said schedule do everything that I plan on it that I know from the past sucess, works. I guess in the end when I get back to 50lbs lost again (or even my once upon acheived mark of 60lbs) I can say in a way I have lost 100lbs, but not really.

Though if I can lose it once I can lose it again and than again and than a little more to get to goal. Sometimes I feel like I need to stop weighing myself so much or at least making that my one marker I go by. Yes I measure myself with a tape measure once a month and see changes in that when I do and how my clothes fit, and trust me this time when I gained the weight back I didnt blame the washer/dryer for shrinking my clothes this time.  I think it was more because I was in tune to what I was doing to my body or what I in fact "WASN'T" doing for my body that let me know what was up. When before I wasn't paying the attention to it nor did I really conciously care THAT much till I weighed in at 300lbs +.

I will definately for sure not let myself get back up to that no way siree. I just think that there is more to this weighing in measureing and etc etc. Maybe its the part where I learn more about myself and my body and how it works and how it's better when its treated right and it's healthy and strong (not thin and skinny just for the sake of being so). Than what life comes of that because when it's health and strong, I will feel that as well.

 I need to start to get back into celebrating myself and my life and with that comes at living it in my terms and in how I feel comfortable. And this extra weight as I have mentioned does "NOT" make me feel comfortable in my skin.

I still want to get down to my goal weight by the time I turn 25 next year, and I wanna do a lot of other things and be in a different mind set, and perhaps part of my life by than. Because for any of this to happen I need to be, clear headed not scatter brained. Time to shake what's loose out and get focused again.

Before I'm Twenty- Five...

The title makes it sound like some silly cute little things I wanna do before I turn twenty-five. In a way it is and in a way its more of guideline for how I want this next year in my life to go. I know I can't control all of it but I can help shape and mold it with a few nudges and turns here and there when time and space allow me to.

My biggest want for this year, is to finally lose all the excess weight I've been carrying around and adding to during my time on this earth so far. I've gone in to detail about why and how I think I gained it and how I need to fix it. Though in the end I can talk till the cows come home and have kids and their cow's come home. Or something like that.

I've always favored the Nike logo of "Just do it." when it comes to weightloss because it doesn't leave any room for error. It's just is. Either do something about it or don't. I have been doing this half assed off and on since I started trying to lose weight in August 2008 and while I did end up losing 50lbs in a little over two years I have also in this last year and a half gained a good 30lbs of that back. I never felt the extra weight like I do now, when I felt the difference of when I lost it compared to how I feel day to day since I gained some of it back.

Though in the end choosing what I want with this comes with choosing how I want to feel. When I work out and eat right, I feel clear-headed more upbeat, and happy and go about my days pretty well. The less I do the more processed I eat the less I feel like doing anything. The more my body doesnt want to move in turn the more I ache and the sadder, and more depressed I get.

I wanna be healthy, not just to help me live a long and happy life but to do so in a way that's worth living it. More than just existing, because that doesn't make me happy.

I'm not at all sure where this life will take me or what I want from it at this moment, but why not fix the things I'm not happy or comfortable with that I can change and see were that leads me.

I could post a bunch of models and actresses and tell you how I want to look as lean or toned as them and believe me I have my inpsirations I look for and read up on. Though in the end I need not to compare myself mind or body to anyone else. This isn't for them, or even you reading this. This is for me, because honestly this mind and body don't compute together when I see them mashed up in the mirror in front of me or when I move about in my daily life. Time to go about fixing that, with healthy eating and doing what the body is suppose to do my nature- MOVE!

Another thing in this year of my life I want to work on is growing my hair back out. I wanna get it to grow out healthy and beautiful and yes dye it but sticking to the one box I've loved and done before more than once, and more than once since chopping it off wished I just dyed it that color before doing any else especially  going bleach blonde for that two day period I did. I'll end up probably buying some cheapy wigs and extenions for fun and to help deal with my bored moments of wanting to do a different color or a different cut as it grows out or what have you. Till it finally at least gets back to the length it was before I went this short, until I can get it to my ulimate goal lenght. I will never regret cutting it, because I'll always wonder how it would be and in a way I like it and it's fun. Maybe later in my life I'll come back to visit it but for the next couple years sticking to getting it to grow healthy and long.

Now it won't be this long by the time I'm 25, but I'm hoping it will look this healthy at least by than. The ulimate goal is this where it stops either right under my chest or at the end of my rib cage. Than every other summer or something cut it up just long enough for a pony tail and donate it to locks of love. (Well at least once in my life time I will anyways.)
.................


Those are the major things I wanna focus on this year, though I wanna keep my job and start saving money. Enough to have the minimum in my account to avoid fee's in case of a lack of the direct deposit amount coming through. Though I am making enough hours right now, you never know. I've actually believe it or not been at my job six months and four days as of today lol. I wanna make it a year and than slowly start to save for perhaps schooling as well. I might wait on my 25th birthday to decide on all of that.

Gotta have my health to have my future, no more jumping the gun in this life of mine. No more worrying over nothing. No more what if's, no more just wishing on things that need action to be done.

I guess more than anything by the time I turn 25 I wanna learn what really makes me happy and what I really want out of life and in turn I need to stop hiding behind people, food, emotions. Weight: loss or gain, andd oh no the what if's!  Life is meant to be lived and I'm tired of just saying that as inpsirational quote or side comment in here or to others. Time to take my own advice and my own beliefs to heart. Pratice what you preach right? Lead by example, and all that other stuff they say.

Something More to Life

Is it really almost may? Am I really almost Twenty-Four years old? Did I really gain back more than half the weight I lost? Do I already regret chopping my hair off ? Do I need to change a few things?

...Answers are..

Yes, it is almost may and I will be 24 years old in two weeks from today, and I did gain 30 of the 50lbs I lost back in these last couple months, and yes and no on the hair. I miss the length I had and want it back but I'd forever wonder about this cut till I did it.

And last but not least, yes I need to change a few things.  Let's start with some silly things before we dive into some seriousness of things that really do need to be changed.

I need to start wearing sunscreen, like every day. It was one of my things to wear it every day as a new years resolution and esp on sunny hot days. I believe yesterday was the one true day I used sun screen (though it was the spray on kind) on all area's of my body that were out in sun, not covered by clothes. Though as we know that doesnt stop the sun exposure, so I need to start daily applying before heading out the door, esp on hot days as these summer months come in.

I need to brush my teeth more often, this sounds totally gross I know. But its more about I usually only brush them at night before bed since I lag on drinking my coffee till last minute most mornings and totally space it as I leave for work. Maybe I need to buy more of those this little tooth brush thingys I had that have the bead of tooth paste in them again. (Or just brush them before I leave haha)

I need to read more, I have a couple of my own (esp the last three harry potter books) and a good at least seven I borrowed from a friend almost three years ago I think now that I need to read and return, sorry friend.

I need to stick to one hair color dye only if and when (more and likely the latter) I start to dye it again. I think I have that color and I also need to stick to the leave in coniditioners and deep conditioners I put in my hair when it was longer, they helped alot and I think they'll keep it the best shape it can be as it grows out. (Plus, I doubt I'll ever go shorter than shoulder length ever again -aka as long as I can put it in a ponytail-)

Now seriously, I need to get back into a gym routine around my work schedule and not only that I need to start eating better. Less junk food and more fresh fruits/veggies and etc. I need to do this not just for physical changes it gives and self esteem issues I have when I don't but also for mental changes as well. It may sound like common sense but I've realized as I have let myself eat crappy food my mentally tends to be more on the crappy side. So I need to change that.

This is for some vanity thing and also for some health thing as well. I need my health to live my life and I need to feel good about myself to have the confience to have the best life. My life, forget what others may think or say they'll say it either way and if I aint hurting no one than so be it.

Only life I got gotta live it and not just let it live for me while I simply just exist.

Slight Update, with PICTURES!

Lol well not my own pictures, but since I haven't totally figured out how to word all that going in around my head right now I figured I'd post some pictures w/sayings and explain how they relate to me right now, to help.

I've noticed a lot latley the more power you give to things you dont necessarily want or agree or love about life or the day your having, the more control they have over you. The more you forget the good things the less you embrace the good things or strive for them as well. Time to let go of the things that I hate or upset me and focus on the good things and the things I can change.

I have spent so much of my life trying to live up to others expectations, to make people like me or to feel wanted as it were. I have gone and done things for others just to get a long and keep the peace more times than I can count. I have blended in, rather than stand out from the crowd just in fear of judgement, that really I can't run from no matter how I act. So hey as long as I'm ok with me and I'm doing my best who am I not to be myself.







In reference to the last part of above, its true why be anyone but you. You were born to live this life and not to live someone elses. Life begans at the edge of your confort zone and living as true and unguarded you as possible is the truest you can be in this life and for yourself. Stand your ground because hey: "If you dont stand for something, you'll fall for anything."

This kinda falls in the whole living for other people thing, I have spent my life for the most part giving people the pen in my life story waiting for them to write what I should do or not do. Or the green light in situations in my life when I'm not totally sure what to do. Though its my life and at the end of the day I have to live with all its actions and in actions a like. Gotta be who I need to be in life to have the life I want to live.

In doing all of the above, I think I can finally find myslef on a path one day where I see the sign above that shows me I've finally found a true fork in the road perhaps that says hey you can continue this way and make it or go that way and go back to how it use to be. Which I guess happens everyday with each choice you make, you just gotta make the ones that work for you. Life is up to you, how you embrace it or don't. How you use it or don't. How you live it, or don't.

  ......Time to do more in this life of mine, than just exist.

No longer wanting to be stuck in wonderland.

Life in general is more what you put in it and what you do with it than what happens to you. It become choas if you let it go too far or don't do anything to change things that are going wrong like in my case.

While most things happen day to day that you have no control over, a good percentage of things happen that you can shape or react to in ways that can make your day or hurt and ruin it. That can lead to a downward cycle of the same thing over and over, till you un-sure of which way is up or down anymore.

I've noticed when this happens for me I start to over in indulge with food and than get annoyed that when my clothes are fresh from the laundry don't quite fit like they use to. I get even more frustrated when looking in the mirror and not liking what I see and just seems like I've become a lost cause and I have more ugly duckling days than not.

I guess in a sense when things get busy or tough I cave and do bare mininum to get by and than realize, that I can't do that if I want to be happy in this life of mine and get frustrated when I just seem to have no enegry to give a damn. When in a since I'm not giving a damn at all. That's what I use to do and it turned into this dark thing that I could care less about the world, I guess when I dont give a damn I get depressed.  So I go to my first choice to cope or fill the void, I eat, when I need to fill  it instead with working out or going out and doing something besides working and hanging out at home. Sure there needs to be those days off where you can just veg but its all about balance.

Though it becames this double edge sword because like I've said in past entries when I do it well and balanced this void or lacking that I need something or need to do comes up that I can't name and dont quite understand and my first instinct is to name it as hungry out of pass habit when its really not and than go searching the shelves or store isles for something to fill it up with. I've also done in the past when it got down to my low point with clothes and other misc things because what I didn't see was the food wasn't filling up that void. It wasn't what I needed or probably even wanted, still isn't.

I think I need to start fresh to start new start planning my weeks better and taking it day by day again. Getting in a better place with food and than get back to working out when I can around work hours. (YES STILL WORKING!!) Life is about choices as I said and to make my life mine and to feel right for me. I have to dig deep and figure it out, one step at a time. Than when those void feelings come about I can address them with a clear head and know that its much more than food or going to shop for something I frankly wont find in a dress or a new pair of shoes.

Maybe after all this time my void feelings are telling me what I'm missing is a life. To live to breath to exlpore to get out of the house and off the couch. I mean no matter how much I work out and how healthy I am I guess if you spend most of the time on the couch besides work and necessary errands wouldnt you still be a couch potato? lol.

That last little bit made me hopeful made me excited and happy. It makes me realize that while I already know life is more than possesions and food,  I can get pass this all and get back on track to making myself more free to be the person I am meant to be. I also think part of me is scared that perhaps I'll change in all of this or as I use to say when I was heavier I dont wanna lose weight because if I do I might get conceieted and have an ego and etc. That was a joke/excuse,  I dont think I could ever be that shallow. I care to much about what other people think of me (which is something I probably will never not do, as much as I try to break that little annoying habit) and just like every one else I'll have my fabolous days to my  ugly duckling days, just the same.

When it comes down to it all. I wanna lose the extra weight I'm carry around, I dont feel comfortable in it. Not to say I'm against anyone who is more heavy than not or more curvy than not or heck more skinny than not. I'm in the boat with whatever works for you, though just lean on the side of healthy if you can.

I do one day wanna be able to wear a bikni to the beach, will I ever? I dont necessarily know, it would great to feel that confident and happy with body for sure. I wanna be strong and feel great in the body I was meant to have all along. Trust me if I was meant to have this body I wouldnt have lost the 40-50lbs I have lost and wiggled back and forth on in the pass few years. (And still lose when I eat healthy and am semi-active)

I'm not necessarily sure I'll be happy with the body I gain in the end, but I know I'm not happy with the one I have now. I have my good days and my bad days with it, but I know it could be so much better. Plus I know it will be better for me in the end for my health and my future. No matter where that may be or where it may take me, I gotta be ready to be open to all its possiblities right?