Back at it again, at this thing called life.

Distractions are inevitable in life, but sometimes they can take all of your focus away from a task or life. Sometimes they're helpful to reduce stress and come to a peace in a time where you need to let go of things and the only way how is to turn your mind off or on to something else.

Or in my case take the last 20-30mins to look at things online instead of coming here to type this post, and then struggle to get comfortable as you type and thinking about moving from the normal laying on the floor with your laptop back to the couch again.. 

 

 

I have been processing this post for awhile now, probably sense my last one, and most of March. Which I guess says a lot since its well, almost May.

 

I felt like when Chandler proposed to Monica on FRIENDS and he was so worried about where he said it, or how it said it, or what he said, that instead he made her believe marriage was the last thing on his mind.

 

My life in a nut shell sometimes. I feel like I've written this post a thousand times, and said this stuff a hundred more times than that. I know what I need to do to make a change in my life for the better, and my choices mostly out of pure laziness seem to have me going down this drain round about cycle of what by definition would be insanity. (Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.)

 

When I start to make plans to visit family I don't feel guilty about making them, but when I decided I'd rather not spend a full week back in Colorado on the twin bed at my Dad's house again and would rather only come out for a few day and then finally make my Boston trip afterword's I start to feel guilty. Guilty that I should be saving for school to go back and get my degree, to finally move out on my own. I should start to take that money and pay off my car or I should help my mom out more than I do. I should, I should, I should.

 

It's tiring really to get into that mind set, and I do it a lot with all the ideas I get in my head, and that's when I really need to disconnect, from the web, from the world, from life. And then guess what happens. I feel guilty for that. Though recently I've gotten so frustrated at myself when I can say I know what I need to do and I know what I want to do in life, and yet I can't quite managed to find that peace and stillness inside myself to handle  the balance of both sets of wants and needs in my life.

 



I've tried to figure out what makes me do this, why I am  this way. I've come to realize there is only habits from lack of knowledge that I let continue.

There is just pure I don't give a shit moments, that turn into days or weeks.

There is my over-analytical brain trying to rationalize every single thought or idea about said situations or the ten to thousand situations or out comes around said issue. 

Most on things that will not come to pass yet, or probably ever will.

So much so that I make my life into this big old waiting game of life that doesn't solve anything. And wonder the constant question, I think a lot of us ask.

When will my life begin?

 

The one thing I've embraced is that I know that this is really a silly question, because your life is happening right now. This all around us. It doesn't wait for some big moment, or some grand scheme of your beautiful mind to come to fore-wishing. It as one of my favorite quotesfrom the movie "A Lot like Love.": Life is all around us happening now, it doesn't wait for you to get back on your feet. (I may be paraphrasing on that bit..)

 

 For some reason even though I knew this and tried my best to live by it, I still felt like I was waiting for that opportune moment, that sign that said hey you ready now, or its time. Perhaps it was even maybe the permission given to me that I needed. But like I've said a lot in life I tend to lived in my head about things, and that includes a major one that is horrible to admit and I know we all do it.

 

I care a little too much about what people think about the things I say or do in my life.

 

Don't get me wrong, if its a strong belief I am a passionate person and I stick with it and deal with it, but I get so stuck in the ability of just analyzing (again) what people may say or think if I say or do the wrong thing.

 

Or perhaps even the right thing, that I start to look outside myself for guidance in life more times than I should. Or in opinions or ideas that while nice to have the outside perspective I tend to jump the gun to even hear if it sounds like a good idea to others instead of just working it out myself and seeing what comes to pass with it and  just letting it be my own thing.

 

After all this is my life, and if I'm only gonna get one shot at it why in the world should I wait for anyone else's permission but my own to live it right.

 

Right now the biggest thing I think I can give myself, is the ability to be ok with not being ok.  To be just fine in the present moment of this is what it is. It's not bad, its not good; its life.

 

Taking a step day by day towards where I will find the most happiness is what I'm after, the most peace where my brain can just go "that's it."

 

There are a few things  I know for sure (yes one of these again)

I need to lose the extra weight, its holding me back plain and simple. I again as I stated above I know what needs to be done do this, and really I just need to stop being so lazy and talking myself out of it, and do those things. It won't always be the thing I want to be doing, but the results will help me far more than just, being confident in how I look. I won't be "literally" weighed down by it in my life anymore.

 

 

I don't want this to be my main struggle in life for the rest of my life. I want it get the weight off and I want to better my health in a way that I can balance the foods that aren't the best for you with the mixture of the ones that are and a workout or activity plan that keeps me at a healthy weight in my life for the future I got in store for me.



I need to do this not for the liking of others or the possible a guy that I could meet, to be honest part of me feels that if I was more ok in how I looked (shallow as it is) that I would be able to come across more  myself than I do now, and people would see that and I could possible attract people differently. (This isn't against anyone this is just my opinion of myself because I do feel so out of place in my body at the weight it's at.)

Its a small piece of the puzzle I know, but when growing up dealing with extra weight to dealing with it as adult, and when it got out of hand and you didn't know any better or I just choose not to see it becoming a problem. But I feel like if I can get a handle of it and not feel all the pressure of my body feeling out of sync with who I am it will only better my life in the long run, both physically and mentally.

Another piece to said  puzzle of life is exploring my world outside the walls and life I've built in California. My life is here because I've made it here, but a lot of the time I feel like perhaps my "home" isn't here. Not to bag on it or say its horrible (minus the CA Summer months; a hot weather girl I am not) but I live here, I play here with my friends, and while I do live with my mother at the moment and I feel at home with her, I don't feel like I've necessarily made California home either and Colorado at the moment doesn't feel much closer to it either.

But like I mentioned above I want to travel and open up my options a bit. I wanna visit family again and meet my newest 2nd cousin. I want to finally cash in (figuratively at the moment) my chips for that Boston trip (Massachusetts/ Concord area really) that I've been planning off and on since 2013-4.

I wanna strengthen my connections to my family, while its been a little over a year since I visited them. I feel more happy since I went with that connection. Though small, and being able to keep in contact on Facebook helps too.

 

Massachusetts has just been a place that the more I hear about it, from the people to the events to the towns themselves to perhaps some apartment kitchen I feel in love with and need to see in person I just wanna go out there and see what it's like. Plus I kinda love the idea of just dropping everything here for a few days and disconnecting in a state where I'm not known, where I can come and go as I please. Make some friends and some stories to tell, or keep all to myself.

 

Perhaps in the long run I might start making this week of Colorado and Boston trip (Four days in each state) a bi-annual thing or whatever works in my budget once I get back into school after I get back from the first one I'm saving and planning for in September.

Scared doesn't even began to define my feelings on these things. I've talked myself in and out of the travel plans many times, I've talked myself in and out of losing weight, of feeling confident in being a curvy girl to feeling bad for being over weight (or fat). And I've gotten down on my self for being lazy about my weight and fitness a number of times and it does no good.

So time to change things up a bit and try to live my life the best way I got.

Ahh... Just Breathe (A Space to Leave it for Awhile)

I have done a lot of these posts in the past of lists of things to look forward to, though I don't think I have every taken some of them apart and explained them like I'm about to do.

I have all this stuff rolling around in my head and I figure if I get this out and written down my brain will quiet down for a bit and I can focus more on being present and working towards
these things in my life the best I can.

So in no real order here are some things I know for sure:

1) there is a point in my life that I wanna live on my own; pay my own bills and live with just me and maybe a dog or two (perhaps a dog and cat) and worry only about that in my life. At least for a year.. just to say I can live on my own two feet, and I have.

2) Go back to school, I spent a good amount of my life trying to figure out what the world wanted to make me into, instead of what I wanted to make myself in. So worried about belonging and also not being able to be stuck in a box I never really went that far. My current job now, has reminded me of a first love of teaching that someone how in the little kid mind of 5 years old I knew I wanted to be right after I started school; it means more to me to teach the kids at my work then any other thing I do there. So I need to get back to classes and get my degree so I can teach my own class.

3) Goal of mine this year is to start to create more, drawling or writing or just making things out of nothing. Its my little niche of quiet that I get when I'm just in the moment writing or painting that I cherish and want more of in my life to help me in the day to day. I got so obsessed with trying to be perfect in both and waiting for inspiration to hit that I never let it just start to come out on its own, and see what happened.

4) I want get back into reading books more currently, I have a stack of borrowed and my own I need to get through and I have already spied so many at the store and have stopped my self from buying them as well. On the flip side of this I have a longer  list of movies I wanna see from the past two years or so. I use to be a Redbox junkie. I have fallen off that bandwagon and I need to catch up.

5) Save money: not just for school but for my future life. Yes its always good to have money for that rainy day as well as I'd like to donate more: not just in funds but in my time as well in doing walks for research or even perhaps one day a run? (not sure on that last part yet)

6) Travel: I wanna see so much of this world around me. Still have Boston on my list as well as New York and many other countries as well. Plus I wanna start taking bi-annual perhaps annual depending on how I can swing it trips to see my family in Colorado again. Keep the connection stronger than I let it become over the years after I graduated high school.

7) Learn: this falls in school category but this part isn't about the teaching degree. I wanna learn languages and an instrument (piano).Plus I wanna be more informed in current events and learn more about the world and what's going on, on all sides of the earth.

8) Random: continue to grow my hair out: I wish it to hit the bottom of my ribs. I want to eat at the blue bayou in Disneyland (perhaps for my 30th birthday). I wanna dance more, get more tattoos (Disney related perhaps), Take more photos that just don't end up as some square on Instagram post. And also see more live theater/musicals and go to more museums.

9) Need to create a sleeping pattern that is more constant then I have at the moment; Listen more and react less. Do all things more so with good intentions not just because I "should" be more positive and less negative; shh the complaints and celebrate more in life with people the good times and the let go of the stress of things that come to pass that aren't so great, the days that are overwhelming and stressful. Remind myself that adulthood is just a frame of mind we all feel like we have no idea what were doing. We only seem like adults on the outside its all about perspective. I wanna lend a helping had were I can but also balance that with living my life to the fullest I can, and remind myself that while I work on myself not to talk down about myself or others all about body positivity. Plus take the moment to be more in the moment, mediate more. And remind myself to be a little silly and goofy more often as well. Showing I care, or helping those out and being there for others or being sensitive and emotional about things doesn't mean I'm weak either.

10) Weight Loss: Perhaps my biggest hurdle in my life and a constant back and forth yo-yo of a span of the last 7 years of my life (started the big gains and lost back in Aug. 2008) and perhaps reason why I started this post back in January and when I got to this number I stopped and kept coming back to the post after a few days/weeks and re read it all and then would walk away the moment I started to think about what to say here.

In a nut shell I let one of my biggest fears become my actual life. I was so scared of doing anything I was interested in or becoming anything I wanted to become not just in fear of what others may think (because if I believe in something/someone enough or my ability I don't care I go for it) of what that made me or who I was, but in doing said things I'd missed out on other opportunities. Other amazing things or people that life had to offer. That I did nothing I didn't have to do, unless it was extremely necessary or important to me to do so. That way I couldn't regret it, I didn't try and fail I didn't miss out on anything because I wasn't doing anything.

And I would wonder why I would get jealous of others and compare myself to where my life was verses theirs or wonder why I didn't have what they had, and would feel less than, and instead of realizing it was me who needed to change I thought it was me against the world.

I needed to be someone completely different, but yet in the same instant I didn't know how to fake it. Not well enough, not with enough self esteem to not feel see through and silly and stupid for trying and then just giving up and not going anywhere.

I ate to cope, when the world seemed so against me and when I felt like I couldn't belong, I found it in food. And when I finally got the taste for alcohol in 2013 I felt myself use that as well, not too the degree in which I ate, but I had my moments in the last year or so. Drinking isn't an issue for me I can take it or leave it, mostly because unlike food when I eat too much give me an hour or two or let me sleep and I feel better in the morning. Alcohol not so much, I've learnt I enjoy a beer or mix drink or two when having dinner out or at a party with family or friends, what have you. But heavy drinking is not my thing, even moderate drinking isn't my thing either.

But with that in mind I've seen how much the parallels of the worlds of food and drinking can become with your addicted to them, or when you already are to one and see it start to become with the other. My drug of choice ( I say this with serious but humor) is food, and I wanna change it, I believe I went to the other side when trying to be healthy in the last few years and would go to the extremes. Counting every calorie obsessing over the foods I would eat or the amount of workouts I would do.

Any it never seemed to be enough, so I would slip back into old habits of eating what did make it seem ok, because food is good it makes me happy (which I have given too much control over me). I'll never be one who doesn't like to eat and enjoy all the flavors of the world, and try something new.

This time, ( I feel like I should phrase that differently..) I'm going for the balance of the workouts the balance of the good and bad for me foods, perhaps make it so that I'm eating opposite of what I have been, where its mostly junk and a few healthy items thrown in when I feel it's needed. Flip it to mostly healthy with a few junk items thrown in when needed.

I have a time line written out on points I wanna meet along the way instead of just half way and goal esp. since I need to lose about 170lbs. (I'm 334lbs last time I weighed in back in January) I hoping it will help me this time to space out my weight loss progress as well as keep me in check along the way.

In the same token while I'd rather lose it and be done, I know it will take time and I'm ok with that but I want to be in a healthy range which would be 174-164 for me (aka the 170lbs lost) and my goal is to be there by my 30th birthday (I turn 28 in May).

So as the say in Mulan : LETS GET DOWN TO BUSSINESS!

That Spork in the road...

Many times in life we feel like there is an impasse of sorts, a fork or rather spork in the road of what to do in life. I say spork because most times you get three options not like 4-5.

But I've recently (well more then that) noticed that these avenues don't just arrive in big junctures in our life's but in every day, every moment we live our daily lives.

For instance today I was meant to work, but my group cancelled so I got an extra day off, bonus but that also meant I needed to pick up a shift with some days off I requested next week to keep my paycheck quality good. I could have just dealt with it as is.

Or the factor that instead of sitting on the couch typing this I am laying on the floor using Stanley's living room pillow for support slightly cold because I have the patio door open to listen to the rain.
I could a: close the door b: get off said floor and sit on the couch creating distance from the door and cover myself in a blanket. or C: none of the above or all of the above. (Even D: grab mom's blanket off her couch and cover myself up laying here. (the fork)) <= I chose D.

We always feel like some how some choices we make or options in life hold too much value to be so important in our life or be the biggest decisions in our lives. Well when we look back on some choices, we see that they were bigger then we thought, and others that we thought were the life shattering,  plot altering choices to our lives, change little to nothing about it in such a big way.

Life only is as complicated or simple as we make it, I know that sounds like a bunch of baloney when your going through a rough patch. But when your think of you circumstances sometimes life can be a whole lot worse. The whole thing that if everyone stood in a circle and threw their problems into it you'd probably gladly take your own back.

With these forks though sometimes they don't come when you want them to, or as fast. So you figure why bother and you keep heading in the direction you were going or perhaps worse the complete opposite.

Or perhaps when you look at them to decided where to go next, you spent to much time analyzing how much time and effort it will take and then start to dissect if that is worth it. Which leads into these long lists of life conundrums of where you wanna be, and who you wanna be. When there really are no guarantees in life. Well besides the one where we live and then we die.

Where am I getting at with all of this? Simply put instead of worrying about the outcome of how long it will take or if its a right fit for you life. How bout jumping in or if you not sure enough for that leap dip your toes in and figure it out. Start planning out the steps you wanna take or need to take to get where you want and figure out all the things big in small in life you'd like to achieve.

Instead of getting so wrapped up in worried about life passing me by when exploring the things I wanna try or do, I've realized that was my life that is my life. As a quote from a favorite movie of mine ( A Lot like Love) goes "Life does wait for you to get back on you feet, its happening right now."

You hear that its the winds of change..

Part of me wants to write this be long epic blog post that will inspire myself to get off my ass and change my life, forever. However as inspirational as I can be I will only change when I make the choices different then I have already made,  or have been making lately.

Besides this epic blog post would only be really inspirational in the time I wrote it, meaning it'd probably lose its powers as I slept tonight. I've come to a lot of realizations lately and I've even written them out here in a few paragraphs and deleted them and tried to rewrite them and felt like I was not gonna write this post after all.

I'm not trying to complain and I'm not knocking my child hood but I will say when you grow up middle class and you share to get by or just get by and do a lot of hand me downs and cheap things and not get to experience a lot of things, as getting or even doing you tend to start to crave the want for something of your own. Something that is just "yours" why I figure as I grew up I learnt to hide food or take bigger servings then I needed/wanted to make sure I got as much as I wanted in case I couldn't get more later, because well I may not have always gotten "what" I wanted or "done" what I wanted I was never not fed. Food was always there, regardless if I needed it or not, and I've also some how gotten stuck in the habit (most days) of cleaning your plate method my mom instilled in me even though a puke accident in the back of the car after being sick and told to finish my happy meal even though I said was full didn't end so well.

Perhaps its one of those old habits die hard kind of thing, which in reality as stated above they wont die unless you find a new one to replace it with. Though hiding food or eating more of it became something to do because when families go for seconds you only get what you go after till its gone. So my brain connected get it now or you'll never find it again and I've realized I still struggle with that today; aka last Friday when I felt I had made myself so full to the point I felt I was gonna puke (though I didn't). The feeling of fullness became this unconscious goal to realize I had finally gotten my fill, instead of eating to fuel myself or even say take the edge of the hunger. I've only recently began to realize the full understand of being full. Its more of a satisfied state then a literal sense of the word.

But like I mentioned in I was looking for this thing that was my "own" so when I started to work and make money it became a habit to start getting food I wanted and eating as much of it as I wanted as often or as late as I wanted, and if it wasn't food it was items; clothes, music (especially when I was younger) or even movies as well.

I realized I'm still looking for that thing and its probably a main reason why I wanna live on my own for  year too, to say this is my place and I'm paying my way.

Something else I also realized, I already have something of my own. My body, its no one else's and well I haven't really taken good care of it and its really been letting me know that lately and I think a big thing about that is my weight, I've cared it so long that its probably not only hindered things like my sciatic nerve and my running out of breath after climbing stairs and my menstrual cycle. Its probably physically aged me as well, I probably have the health of someone much older not a 27 year old.

I wanna write all the things I wanna do in here, but I feel like at this point in life actions speak louder then words so its time to get to work. I'll make another post soon.

It never goes according to plan...

The craziness that is the pace that this year has gone by is blowing my mind right now. I realized recently that soon football season is starting again and that means that holidays are coming back soon and 2015 literally winked at me as it flew by.

I feel like I have spent a good 8 months stuck in my own head this year, I started the year off right and had a game plan and like life things changed. I had some moments were I took things to some extremes (food, and well alcohol for hot minute as well) that it took me a bit to get back to center.  And my confidence of where I stood at my work place I feel really was knocked off a big peg more then I originally thought when it all went down. I felt a little ruffle of the feathers and a shot the ego when a promotion opportunity that I felt maybe I was a shoe in for (even if I wouldn't admit it out loud) didn't go as plan, aka I didn't get it.

Though I think all the drama that happened right after really took my already shaky confidence and pushed me over flat on my face. I'll admit I don't think I have fully gotten up and dusted myself off from that whole incident yet. Like I said I have had some moments of extremes since then in different worlds, but I'm sitting up for once look up at the world ready to dust myself up and stand up and move on.

There are days I feel this more and I get the heart and the encouragement to really thrive again, and then there are days I'm thrown off track and I feel back down on the ground and defeated.

Though in that same moment I feel more sure (or at least more connected) to my own self in the mirror then I ever felt in a long time. I guess you can say I may be down, but don't count me out yet.

Through out my life a lot the time I was very quiet (perhaps seemed like a shy person) because I  have since I was really young been very aware of myself and how others see me and how others see each other. How we judge and nit pick at times each other to mostly protect ourselves, from people doing it to us. If we point out someone else faults or issues, perhaps people wont turn and look at us and see what were so desperately trying to make sure they don't see. In the same token we are so consumed with how others see us that really only a select few even do because they are so much more concerned with how you see them.

I think for the longest time I wanted to prove myself as something that couldn't be defined as a label that everyone wants to stick you in as well as at the same time be accepted as some who belonged. So it that I was always fighting back and forth with trying to fit in and blend with a group I was impressed with and tried to impress them and at the same time trying not to fit into the labels or boxes people wanted to put me  into.

And in a round about way because that got frustrating and exhausted to fight all the time, I gave up. I found things that worked and were comfy and I liked. Maybe not loved but liked enough to wear, and in the same token found myself a few months in after that looking in my closet feeling defeated because nothing really was "me" and everything was just eh. Though when I tired to go find me, it was intimating to say the least. So I stuck with the known route, the safe route.

I've still struggling with that to this day, more so how to over come the rut instead of route I've taken and become stuck within and find myself again. Perhaps not inside, but out.

 I feel like in the past years I have really come into my own and think a lot of it has to do with one of the roles I do a work where I'm stage, because when I was younger I always dreamed of performing on stage or being in front a crowd or audience.

 I tired out for a few plays in high school (though was never picked) and the thing that was my issue the most was all these battles inside my head these issues I was fighting over labels and boxes and judgment and wanting to belong and be accepted came straight to the forefront of my head before getting on stage and the flight or fight responds would kick in with anxiety and fear and things would never go as plan. I would want to run, or I would be too in my head to make the performance good. I remember having that feeling during training for my role I do on stage/with field trip groups at work and having moments where I felt like I should go up to my manager and back out and say hey um how bout I not do this. I resorted to even writing "Hakuna Matata" on my hand as a reminder to well "have no worries" and calm down.

It had some bumpy starts and some times where I connected to the adults more then the kids, and had to be talked to and asked if I really wanted to stay on with that position. Something inside of me said I needed to see this through, I needed to get to the point where this became almost second nature to be on stage and do these demos and shows. So I worked on it and I still think back to that anxiety feeling I had before (the stage fright) every once and while before I go and do a show or demo for a school group. I've had a day where it came back (esp. if say we do a completely new show) and my shows were off and then I have my moment were I think how far I've come because while there is still a nerves to it because the crowd is always different there is also a familiarity to it as well as a peace of mind that comes with it. In those moments when I can really just be on stage and be in the moment and do the show that may not be one of my favorites having done it thousands of times now (3 years now) there is also a stillness a peace to going through it and interacting with the people and giving them a good show and perhaps teaching them something new.

In being on stage I have found myself, but my inner self still is hiding within a shell. I have realized in the past months (probably longer then that, but never wanted to agree to it) that my weight is a shell, a protection from the outside world. But more then my weight, food (as much as I don't want to admit to this, I know if there is something there when I think about it) has become some what of an addiction for me as well, a coping skill. A security blanket as you will, the thing that doesn't judge or talk back or ridicule me. (I hate this, but I know if I'm having trouble with saying it out loud, or even admitting it to myself it must be true ) When life has been bad, or even good food is something I have turned to just like movies and TV and books.

 A place to escape from my life, this life that is such a magical thing to even get to experience.

I'm getting ahead of myself here, food has been there for me when I needed to talk (when I should have talked) about my anxiety my needing to belong and not being able to find it. I had art and my writing (I wrote songs when I was younger; more like rhythmic poetry) to help me with it, but still it kept it all inside and in turn I would turn to food. I remember even in 3-5th grade staying up late after my family (at my dad's) would go to sleep and eating food and watch television (mostly infomercials or old TV shows from the 50's) and trying to cope with this feeling of who I was and who I wanted to be and the judgment of society and wanting to be accepted and belonging. Maybe I was being a bit melodramatic, but it felt all too serious and real to me. I felt that if I could be anyone else it the world it would be better, there was probably a good solid year I was pray at night to wake up as someone else, to be reborn and be able to start all over again as a baby, I destroyed a lot of pictures of that time frame I took to as I saw it in my eyes help me disappear easier. I never felt like I could be my true self I never felt like I could just be me. I have slowly gotten over that as I've gotten older and gotten tired of trying to make the worlds of not being labeled and boxed in and fitting in and belonging coincide together.

Plus, it also helps to have gained some really awesome friends along the way who know me and accept me for all my greatness to all my well neurosis. As I do the same for them, no questions asked.

Part of my problem when I finally realized where this was all heading when I finally was able to sit up from being knocked down early this year was that I could never get out of my head to see life again in all its glory. I was stuck in the whole system of dates and times and needing to have things figured out by a certain time to make other things work out in my life to make ideas and plans I have for myself go the way I hope the would. But I think we get the picture now, that well life isn't always as we plan it to be, is it?

I have also had a lot of reminders as of late, that though life seems like years and years, it can also be very short. I'm reminded of that in the fact that a coworker's death anniversary is coming up in about two months (and an old friend has been gone for 2 years now), as well as seeing how much of a twist one of my favorite TV shows can shock me with a death of a character unexpectedly. As well hearing my mom come home to tell me she saw a coworker literally take their last breath at work before falling the ground and watching them change colors in font of her face (graphic? sorry.) and how they stabilized the coworker only to get her to the hospital and then she finally passed. And then hearing once again today that a coworker of hers who I met briefly at target randomly when my mom ran into him passed away Monday from his fight with cancer (she has had two people now die from it this year that she knows) and all I can think about is the daughter he had with him when I met them, and hoping her and the family is doing well.

Though in all this sadness I also remember the precious little life that was recently brought into this world by my cousin on my dad's side. This brand new life that knows nothing about life or death right now, but is learning and seeing everything for the first time. And what a magical thing that is, and how simple is it if she could just be her true self and experience it all knowing she only needs to be herself.

How simple it could be if we all could be, and I remember for the first time in a long time, what I want to fight for in this life of mine.

Getting some stuff off my chest...

I've realized in the last 20-30minutes there is a reason I don't not use my computer in my bedroom. I came in here intending to write this blog post after I got ready for bed and call it a night, determined to start sleeping better to help get myself back to the gym more regularly. Instead, well I've been surfing Facebook among other sites; there is a reason I blog on the couch.

Taken the last three days off from work I figured it would give me some mental clarity from some of the craziness of life as of late. With the fact with some issues that happened a month or so ago knocking my self esteem/confidence a peg or two down. (Just getting my mojo back on track there) Also I was in the mindset when I requested the time frame off that I would change my sleeping patterns and get my ass to the gym. Well staying up till 1-2am and sleeping till 11:30 (only because of my clock radio going off to warn me it was getting close to noon I'd better get up) didn't really change that. I did cross some things off my list of things to do that I have been putting off for way too long, and no matter how small they may be I feel accomplished all the same.

Whether I feel rested physically is another story, you see while I did sleep in it wasn't without struggle be it stiff sore sides from laying on them for too long. Or my sciatic making its cries for movement esp. on this last day after spending a majority of time on the couch, with little to no mobility on my part at times. Gratefully I know my next few days at work aren't crazy intensity all day jump around with school group days, gratefully to help me get back into motion and not accidently re-pinch it and make a bigger set back all together.

And as I write this, I'm afraid my topic of interest is being forgotten and I'm just babbling off the top of my head at the moment. I'm having another wish of having the ability of just having a connection to my brain that I could just say all that I'm thinking and it would come out perfectly without trying to typing it out and get it to come across correctly. Or perhaps it would be easier/better if you all could just jump inside my brain and look around. LOL!

Oh well, lets see if I can get this all out and make it have some sense to it before the fourth of a melatonin pill kicks in fully to make me sleepy enough to get some shut eye before work tomorrow. (There was no way I was gonna fall asleep before midnight without it with the sleeping schedule I've had these last 2-3 days)

Weight, my weight. Gain or loss has been an issue in my life since I can remember, from a very young age even before school started I was picked on for it. Mostly by my brother, and then his friends at times too. To my first days of school being asked as a kindergartener if I was held back because I had boobs (or tits as the boy had asked). All this had made my weight to me more apparent then most, more of an issue then most. But that really was neither here nor here as a child but I guess something could be said about it, when in 4-5th grade I asked my dad to buy my slim fast and watermelon to eat and used the 5 min abs video to try and work out with. Perhaps it was all the issues my mom had that I saw growing up with weight that left more of an impact of how weight was seen in the world. That and perhaps trying to fit in with certain people at school as well.

You grow up, or at least I did with a little understand of good foods, verse bad foods. The fruits and veggies verses the cakes and the ice creams and chips and cookies. Though you don't really get it till much later in life why knowing this and probably more about how these effect your body in the long run of life is crucial. Especially when pegging all the "bad" food with happy times, its hard to see the draw back of eating them as a kid.

I knew growing up that my choices weren't always best, and maybe my parents could have played a bigger role in making sure I didn't always eat junk, but in the end of the day sometimes the fact that your kid picks anything at all is victory you deal with I guess, and you try again another day. Especially if you yourself don't know any better.

There has been countless times, I have nit picked my body. Shamed myself or hell mentally others for their own, shocker yes I know. At the end of the day though our body is our key to life, when it goes down hill, well soon goes the time you have left. I'm not here to say your body says this or that because of its size. All I want to say generalizing bodies as a whole is, we cant tell by appearances so know your facts, know your dangers and numbers and listen to your doctors about your health, but don't preach it down other peoples throats if they choose not to do it, as I wont to you. Its merely a suggestion to help out in the long run so you can live as full of a life as possible. Besides our body is ours to live our life as we choose, and that looks different for everyone. No one's worth of that is dictated by the size of their clothes or the width of the stomach or the lack of the damn thigh gap that has annoying become such a thing. If you can take anything away from this mid post rant; be a good person to yourself and others, and live your life now to the fullest.

As of late I think of the times I lost a significant amount of weight and gained it back, I get hard on myself about it but I also realize what an accomplishment it was because each time it was 20 plus pounds.

The first time was sophomore/junior year of high school, after years of spending summers at my dads going in with the notation of returning back home fit and skinny and shocking my friends back at school and never following through I decide to hell with it and started working out on my own with some free light weights, a list of random works I remembered from a fitness magazine and a elliptical that I had begged my mom to get (that I used for quite a bit before it came a clothes rack). I had lost probably a good 15-30 lbs. on my own before my mom decide she want to join in and added me to her gym membership, with some personal trainer sessions that came with the membership I think I got down another 15-20 lbs. in the next few months. After training sessions ended and not having a car (too young at the time) and high school coming to a close things got pushed away and without full knowledge calories in and calories out at the time (this was before the biggest loser after all) the weight came back.

It wasn't till mid 2008 when I got on a plane to go back to my dad's after getting the call that my grandma had passed and the airplane seat was tight that I realized something might need to be done. I had humorously enough started to blame the dryer and washer for the shrinking of my clothes without a second thought at the time to my weight at all. Until I got back home and realized I weighed in at just over 300lbs. You'd think that would be noticeably but when you are almost 6ft and have been on the chubby side most of your life it doesn't really sink in till the numbers arise on the scale to remind you of the weight.

I had partnered up with a friend of mine this time and from mid- 2008 till about late 2011 I had an on and off course of weight loss journey that was a little more successful because of unemployment during the economy issues of the time, I ended up losing 56-62lbs and being the lightest I had been since high school/middle school.  Of course around that time I ended up finally finding a job and getting into the swing of things with that started off just fine and I kept up my workouts as much as I could for a good 6 months and only gained a little back. Though with time I let it go more and more, especially when busy working during the holidays, and slowly the weight I lost came back and with time over the last almost 4 years at same said job so has another 26 lbs. as well.

Back in November last year due to my sciatic issues pinching and re-pinching with lack of mobility on my part besides my activity at work I had to force myself back to the gym. At first it was just a matter of getting there and doing small workouts. Towards the end of the year I was really starting to enjoy it, and by the time I left for my Dad's to spend time with family in January for week I was done a good 20-25 lbs. My sciatic while a pain my side (literally) had become this life safer for my waist line, and even after getting back from my Dad's my work outs continued till beginning of April (our busy spring break time at work) and instead of changing up my sleeping patterns to match and help out I let myself slack till that time ended, and went go back at it and had lost my momentum. Slowly I stopped going all together but a time here and there (two-three times since) when I really felt low and wanted a stress relief or when I felt that darn sciatic nerve start its pain of a warning to me.

As of late, I still have my issues with comparing myself to others when I know I need to focus on my own journey and make my body and my health my priority not whether or not I'll look as good as so-so when I lose the extra weight. I need to do this for my future and well for the moment of my life I'm living in. You see its not very fun to be winded by a couple sets of 9 stairs a piece at work, nor feeling stuck in life because your not as confident in yourself as you use to be as you could be if you just got back to being healthy again.

Even when your mind starts to play that what if game of, if I do this for myself and get healthy and in turn skinnier does that mean I don't value my curves or am I showing hate to those who embrace their curves even at a heavier weight?

Then I realize something more to this, why? We are all in this together, this life is meant for all of us. Curvy, Athletic, Skinny, all body types are beautiful and its more as cliché as this sounds: what is inside that counts. And well, I'm sorry (but really not) that for me to happy in my life I feel I need to lose the weight (a good 160lbs at this point) and really its not just about being happy cause I weight less. Its about being confident in my self because I feel good and I'm healthy and well it'd also help if my leg wouldn't go numb on my right side from a slightly pinch sciatic nerve from just laying on my bed writing this for the past 45minutes. Also, to have my period (yes the dread menstrual cycle in all its glory) come back regularly like it did back a few months ago to hey at least give me a chance to have some off spring one day if I so choose to.

I have a tendency if you haven't noticed in past blogs to put a lot of weight (not talking body weight now) on one action or thing in life, and question what it means for or about me. And I also get ahead of myself and try to run before I can walk or walk when I'm still learning to crawl at something new I'm trying.

So at the end, of it all I'm trying to live my best possible life "Now" and live in the moment for the moment, with intent for the future as I see fit for this little time I have on the spinning blue marble of life on earth. And I hope you can all do the same.

Just off the top of my head.

Every moment I feel like I'm finally getting my head above water enough to clearly write something new. I feel myself being pulled back under the current.

I was gonna mention how its been 2 months since I was at the gym regularly, aka I've been 3 times in that time frame. Or how I mentioned I would write one of these posts sooner than a couple months from my last one (that was in March).

That all seems irrelevant right now.

I have my times when I have clarity of what I want to write about and where I want my life to go, and then it all falls apart.

I look back at where I was a few months ago and feel like a sham. Though in the same instant I know that I'm taking things way too serious and life is meant to have its ups and downs.

Starting to try and plan anything I get stuck in time frames of when it should happen in or how. Life seems to need time tables where there weren't before and I want to change everything or just run away. I feel like that 20 year old girl again who doesn't have a damn clue.

 

 

 

 

I'm wanting to get back to the gym and get back to working out on the regular. I know I need to when I'm stopping at the top, after climbing the stairs when I come in our employee entrance at work to catch my breath incase someone stops me to ask a question once I come into our offices. I take the elevator a lot of the times during work to avoid this issue in case of a guest coming up to me.

 

I hate it, makes me feel like I can't deal with a few stairs and inability to do things I have noticed drive me nuts, especially when I realize the only reason I can't is because of something I'm doing to myself.

 

My sciatica while not re-pinched yet has given its warning signs of being inactive for too long. My joints hurt from too much walking, standing, kneeling, sitting. Oh and my muscles when I do a repetitive action too long or too much forget about it the next day.

 

My hair has thinned out quite a bit from what it once was before back when I was semi healthier at the beginning of the year. I questioned it in person and see it in pictures from early of this year to now and its not just a change of color from a dye or two I've done or the one hair trim I've had a few months ago now.

 

Have I mentioned while working out regularly  my periods were on time every month and the same length? Now, M.I.A or what's worse when they come they are heavy and a crampy  mess.

 

I feel like you get the point, but I also feel like I need to write all this out for me as well as you reading, so when I have one of those unmotivated days or weeks, or whatever I can read through this old blog as I tend to do when I reflect and remind myself why I need to do these things.

 

 Why I need to get more then 5 hours a of sleep (or sometimes less) a night; key reason I picked a night where I don't go in till 1pm for work tomorrow to sit up and write, since its when I do my best thinking.

 

Why, fruits and veggies need to become more then just an occasionally snack food especially over chips and cookies and misc. junk that has invaded my life that should be sometimes food as cookie monster on sesame street would say.

 

Why I need to seriously FOR REAL THIS TIME; cut soda out of my diet completely and drink more water.

 

Reasons for the need to clean and purge my life from unnecessary things: clothes that don't fit anymore (size or my liking of them), items that I wasn't sure I wanted to throw away the last time I went through everything. A dusting of shelves and cobwebs that have invaded my life & trash that has accumulated of old scripts and paper from work or junk mail that has piled up.

 

 Words, I need to write out more often so they don't get catch up in my head and pull me away from the present moment so much that I forget how to just be still.

 

A life that needs to be just simply lived more then planned out for a future that may never happen. (Though I do want to share my ideas of some times I want in life.)