You know the type of people who can't stand to look at themselves in the mirror because they're disgusted or hate what they look like or what they see? I'm kind like that but instead I can't stop looking in the mirror to see if things have changed. See if the I can finally look in the mirror or my reflection in whatever I see it in and be happy with it no matter the time or day or what have you. I haven't reached that part yet; not to say I find myself disgusting or even that I hate the way I look. Most days I'm pretty ok with it, but there is a lot of the time a disconnection with how I feel as who I am with whom I see in the mirror. That they don't quite match up and I'm missing out on something or that maybe I'm lost because of it.
I have it more at the moment with my body than say my face because, with time and well makeup or hair or whatever with how I'm feeling that day I can make it work or deal with what is and be happy. I'm trying to work on it by losing weight and being healthy and trying to become and fit into who I am or who I feel I am deep inside and some how hoping that shows through but it seems that when it comes down to it since I'm not quite done losing weight I feel like I'm still a work in progress and that maybe I won't ever get there. Plus I don't necessarily think its all about losing or not losing weight or what have you or even wearing certain clothes or putting off any other kind of image to others to make people think of you in a certain way, different than what they've come to know.
It's more about not caring when people judge you for change or for finally becoming yourself, or just being yourself regardless of what is going on. Stepping out of your shell and saying you know what, this is me and well if you don't like it than fuck you. Though in a more delicate or understanding manner at least. When you start changing your style people can start to mention it or go what's with that and you know either you can get offended or just mention I liked it and felt like wearing it and leave it at that. Don't take it personal because really you aren't your clothes and your clothes aren't you. Neither is the makeup or the car you drive or the house you own or don't own. Its material its short lived. It comes and it goes it wears and it tears and like your life or even your waist line even, it moves on and comes back throughout time and whatever you may or may not being going through.
I've spent a good third of my life at least trying to do it the other way. Playing a role or at least down playing who I was. Keeping quite in a place or time I should have spoke up or even acted as myself and not who I thought I should. Not just when I thought it really mattered most. It lead to other problems, when I felt like I wasn't getting my way in life or people didn't understand me I turned to other sources and tried to find solace there. Food was the one of the things that stuck and became this thing that hey I could get this and I knew every time it would taste good it would be there for me it wouldn't judge me or ridicule me for eating the entire thing or having a opinion of my own to say the least. I could always depend on it, not to say I couldn't depend on others, in fact it was something I hated to do. I didn't want to put myself out there just to be let down. I knew I was ok on my own because I knew how to get things done but in the back of my mind something I kept suppressed, I only was depend on others. Their need of me or not need of me, what they thought or didn't think of me. I thrived on that and was always trying to find myself through that, in the end I guess food wasn't a constant thing because I turned to others opinions of myself to help me by.
So caught up in all I forgot that I was important too that I had a voice other than just being able to relate and connect with someone I sat next to. Or was interested in from a media stand point or whatever I found in my world. Though there were some things and still are some that when I like them I can care less what the mass majority can say or not say. When I really like or love something I do so regardless of what others may say or do about it.
I can't decide or know which one came first my dependency for others to accept and like me or the need for food to be there when they or I myself didn't in most cases. It becomes like the tale of what came first the chicken or the egg. Though I can't get to involved in all of what came first and how they relate all I know is that I use to be able to not care, to do what I felt and be who I was. Maybe it was the night when my mind wondering like most minds do late at night and for some reason as a young child though that, one day I would die. I freaked, I cried and looked up at the sky through my window (well the curtain over it) and begged God don't let me die any time soon. Don't let it happen, and please above else don't let it be painful.
Maybe that's what triggered me to be fearful of this life or what or who I was. That by being so and not being able to co-exist with others I'd miss out or by not finishing off that pint of Ben and Jerry's I'd forever miss out on its flavor ever again. I became this all or nothing person from the way things were done and said to the way I lived my life day to day and how people saw me through it. Nothing close to who I am or what I use to be.
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