Have I really not posted in this for a full year? That's semi insane notion to even think about. Maybe its because I've just began this great adventure of a life and have no need or desire to write and vent anything out, because as you know life is always perfect and no issues "ever" happen right?
I hope you can feel the sarcasm dripping from that, I legit haven't made a post because a combo of laziness and well life took over at least for the last 7 months of the year.
As its January and new year and a new start at this life (as they say new year new me) lets rehash the past to let it go and move on to some plans or ideals for this year to come. I'm still being a little sarcastic and cynical here if you can hear it due to rereading the last few blogs I posted and seeing how much progress I've made but also at the same instant how I really haven't fully changed at all.
But the only way to help all that is to be mindful and well post a little to get out of my own thoughts in my head or at least bid them a rest from going around ping ponging bad ideas for too much longer.
After my last post, my plans didn't gain momentum till February, I got back in the gym and was going well and lost 10lbs in time for a trip to see an old friend for the 30th birthday in March. We should add that with a cold things also were triggered before said flight and traveling that weren't too extreme but they happened. The trip was great and I had a good time, afterwards there was a little derailing in wanting to get back into the gym but also trying to cope with needing "something" in my life this constant need or want or this feeling of needing to be doing something that society has trained us to feel guilty for not doing- at least in western civilization. I went down the path of Four Lokos; and learned quick my body does not keep excess of alcohol easy with out food to help absorb it. I already knew this due to pass experience with rum a few years back but was quickly remind of this with my misadventures as it were.
Most of March into April was a once a week I guess you can call them binges of McDonalds two cheeseburger meals and 2 Four Loko's and feeling out sorts with myself and easily irritated at one of the busier times of year at my work. Not the best combo, but I don't think much changed but a few days of recovery to try it all again till my mind wondered about the idea of how often I had been doing this and realized it and stopped my self right before my birthday, well ok after my 30th birthday were a good pitcher of Buzz Balls and margarita mix were added together after drinking two additional prior after work were had; it was a good thing I was free the two days after my birthday to recover- not horrible just defiantly needed time to come back to sobriety or rather myself.
Something changed shortly after that and my annual tradition of going to Disneyland for my birthday with friends and doing a bucket list trip to the Blue Bayou that I had dreamed about for years to try. (Worth it- by the way) A plan I had been half saving for to take my mother to New York for winter to finally do ice skating at Rockefeller and eating a hot dog at a street cart (yes I have a wild imagine for dreams of mine I know lol) was actually being set in motion by my mother booking it for us, and my savings was to be put to use to do food and adventures while there. We had chatted about it for months since the December before, when I had come across a snowy video of Rockefeller (via Facebook) at night with lights and Christmas music playing and making me all nostalgic for the childhood years of family Christmas and holiday season that have changed since moving away from family at least my dad's side probably two decades ago.
I screenshot the text of my mom sending me the booking information and felt myself come to grips with my own intentions via the last post I made about getting this extra weight of mine taken care of. I knew plane seats already had their issue, the last time I had also being ice skating I weighed at least 50lbs less than I did in that moment. Plus we'd be walking all around New York, and at the moment I was still having to use the insoles to keep my feet from feeling like their soles were being pulled from my body after walking for only a couple hours at work. I had one choice if I wanted something different, I had to make a change.
It started of slow, a few visits to the gym here and there 1-3 times a week and using an app called Lose it to track my calories. I saw progress, including losing the 10 lbs. I had lost and found again since February. Slowly but surely the weight started to come off, I had a few speed bumps in July through October with alcohol and cold pills the latter made me feel so shitty that I have no desire to do it again, the former I still allow (not worth the calories most of the time) but mostly in social settings and limit to 2 drinks. Each month following May I continued to lose 8-10lbs by keeping track of calories and sticking to a 2-3 a week workout plan. I semi got addicted to taking progress photos I'd post on Instagram to help me really see my progress and the feedback from the likes and comments from friends and family on Facebook as well about it. Though a small part of my psyche reminded me of the tricky slope I was playing with, in being too involved in others opinions about me and tried to have some humility as well as keep my health priority number one.
I kept up with the post for a combination of tracking my progress as well as a way to combat the holidays that were nearing, I indulge here and there keeping my workouts and foods in check to help progress remain. I was over 50lbs down and getting closer to New York trip and my goal, excitement loomed but so did my own thoughts of sabotage and of thinking don't over think this don't get too hyped up that your let down once you experience it. I like to what if all scenarios in life and indulge in the ones that are extreme on both sides it seems, I tried my best to stay neutral about my trip to New York and keep in check with my progress.
Right before the Thanksgiving holiday I decided to try out a wild hair I had been having to finally buy my own weed (have had friends in the past but never my own), and talked my mom into coming with me the first time to check out the local dispensary as living in California its legal. Both of us left with a combo of foods(edible) and vape to try out and had a little fun that evening after doing the rest of our errands. I felt a bit of a hang over from it the following day but enjoyed a little more the next day when I realized the relaxing & wonderful effect I had by being stoned and watching trippy videos with music on YouTube. After that weekend I felt like I had gone a little to hard and took a few weeks off from it. Come early December I was getting closer to my goals of where I wanted to be for New York which would be half way to goal weight and 70lbs down from where I started in May. My end of the year goal weight would be in reach as well, so I focused on that and actual achieved my goal for New York the morning before we left for our trip.
New York was wonderful, it snowed the moment we got out of the shuttle to the hotel and as we walked around Time Square for a few hours early on a Thursday morning, I got a reminder of what winter was really like after being in California for almost the last 20 years ( will be hitting that in July this year). I got my hot dog and I skated in Rockefeller and my body was fine, minus a few sore legs and stiff sciatic after getting lost in Chelsea and a jam packed day around it. We would go from 8-9am till 10-Midnight most days getting all the sights in and experience it all, and while I'm so not a busy city gal, New York definitely kept a piece of my heart and its so fun to watch movies and TV shows based in those areas and have a different perspective of them now.
We got back and I went back right to work and towards the end of the week I was feeling a need to have some fun and escape a bit or whatever have you. This was when I started to experiment with edibles and my tolerance levels and went out to buy more to increase the levels a bit and enjoyed myself.
The only issue that happened was that I felt the need to tailor my calories and how much I ate to allow for the calories of the edibles. I was still trying to make that New Years goal in my weight loss. I would also eat them on an empty stomach because I wanted that "something" once again and I was not over indulging in food, and have been looking for something to replace if for a long time. I had been over eating since I was probably younger than 10 years old, and yea know food gets old after awhile especially when it only ends up making you lethargic and tired or energic on sugar and caffeine for so long. Though any event over the Christmas holiday I lucked out with getting some days off and around workouts prior to early gym closing hours I spent most of it high and told myself I was done till after New Year I needed to get my head straight and make goal.
Well it turns out I beat (New Years goal) it Christmas morning and after some agitation and frustration (which should have been a semi red flag ) at work with issues that were not really issues just how things were with how busy we got the weeks between Christmas and New Years when people were out from school and had relatives from out of town. I went back to get more edibles just before the New Year, and played around with my calories once again to allow for more of a higher dose. I would eat breakfast and then wait a few hours to get high again or wait till after the work out for the day and than wait at least an hour after I took the edibles to actually eat something I had accounted for would work out in my favor of calorie counts and burnt calories from the gym. I spent the last three days of 2018 barley sober doing 100mg of THC a day on an semi empty stomach around workouts and hanging out at home since I "luckily" once again got time off (or rather I gave up a shift to allow it).
I spent New Years day going to the gym and finally feeling the effects of my sobriety come back to me, however my body's hangover/withdraw from the last three days prior came back to hit me like a ton of bricks for the following four days while at work as well. I felt easily irritated, my anxiety was on an all time high were day 2 of being sober I felt myself shaking internally with it. I just felt like a since of doom was lurking around the corner. I also ended up taking a day off of the gym due to feeling bone chilled cold and just so out of sorts with myself.
It hasn't been till this week, probably Monday after getting back to my workouts that I have come back into my own self, and while I'm happy to report my weight loss has not been effected; I'm currently at 80lbs down and beat the monthly 10lb goal by about a little over a week, I'm suddenly getting wild ideas again. Or rather that need for "something" which baffles me since just last week as I felt myself coming back to sober I wanted nothing to do with weed ever again.
This time though my brain is whispering ideas of adding those Four Lokos back to the mix with it (also known as being cross faded). While tailoring the levels of how much I'm drinking and edible mg. due to calories, though from my history I some how know this is a bad idea. But I've sat with the calorie app and mapped it out, how I would have to eat around it, and when I would do it.
When I got a few days free once again, and my mind is saying its better to do since hey its a week day and mom wont be home so you can react however you want without hearing the "Are you stone or drunk," conversations that I just don't want to deal with. I know rationally that me wanting to hide this in some respect is a red flag and yet even after talking with a good friend about it and talking about our addictive personalities and how it sucks and how I register I've legit traded addictions of food in for others it wont fix any issue I'm trying to address.
(I've done a little bit of shopping, where I bought stuff I didn't need for the hell of it but my mind reminding me about the hoarding issues in my family past and my own claustrophobia sometimes with my own shit helps keep that a bay; plus I really don't make enough money to go too crazy)
I know I can choose to use both wisely and work with in my benefit to do so as a away to formulate a time to relax or have a good time on occasions with myself or friends (as I have done in the past) and work with myself in other ways to figure out what this "something" is that makes me feel the need to go to the "extremes" I do. Be it boredom, want to escape, wanting to let go of having to be in control of things.. or a combination of all it plus something else I haven't figure out yet.
My mind wants to encourage me to try this still and be smart of about and not go crazy, but somehow I know bigger picture wise with only a week of full sobriety it may not yet be time to do that yet. I still have two weeks till my time off where I'm planning it, and right now I'm trying to keep my mind and body preoccupied with being present and mindful and healthy and trying to figure out what that need is and maybe just maybe its just my brain telling me to do something for the sake of doing it (since brains make thoughts and ideas - its what their known for) and its my willingness to listen to it and allow it to lead me down a disruptive life or choose another path.
Thought at this moment I know one thing, whatever happens I want to keep writing this year. This post has made me feel so much lighter, even when I had to pause writing it out mid day to go get my work out for the day in. I forgot how much I needed to write all this out even if its just to allow that brain of mine to live out its ideas and me to get back to myself for a moment or two.
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