You hear that its the winds of change..

Part of me wants to write this be long epic blog post that will inspire myself to get off my ass and change my life, forever. However as inspirational as I can be I will only change when I make the choices different then I have already made,  or have been making lately.

Besides this epic blog post would only be really inspirational in the time I wrote it, meaning it'd probably lose its powers as I slept tonight. I've come to a lot of realizations lately and I've even written them out here in a few paragraphs and deleted them and tried to rewrite them and felt like I was not gonna write this post after all.

I'm not trying to complain and I'm not knocking my child hood but I will say when you grow up middle class and you share to get by or just get by and do a lot of hand me downs and cheap things and not get to experience a lot of things, as getting or even doing you tend to start to crave the want for something of your own. Something that is just "yours" why I figure as I grew up I learnt to hide food or take bigger servings then I needed/wanted to make sure I got as much as I wanted in case I couldn't get more later, because well I may not have always gotten "what" I wanted or "done" what I wanted I was never not fed. Food was always there, regardless if I needed it or not, and I've also some how gotten stuck in the habit (most days) of cleaning your plate method my mom instilled in me even though a puke accident in the back of the car after being sick and told to finish my happy meal even though I said was full didn't end so well.

Perhaps its one of those old habits die hard kind of thing, which in reality as stated above they wont die unless you find a new one to replace it with. Though hiding food or eating more of it became something to do because when families go for seconds you only get what you go after till its gone. So my brain connected get it now or you'll never find it again and I've realized I still struggle with that today; aka last Friday when I felt I had made myself so full to the point I felt I was gonna puke (though I didn't). The feeling of fullness became this unconscious goal to realize I had finally gotten my fill, instead of eating to fuel myself or even say take the edge of the hunger. I've only recently began to realize the full understand of being full. Its more of a satisfied state then a literal sense of the word.

But like I mentioned in I was looking for this thing that was my "own" so when I started to work and make money it became a habit to start getting food I wanted and eating as much of it as I wanted as often or as late as I wanted, and if it wasn't food it was items; clothes, music (especially when I was younger) or even movies as well.

I realized I'm still looking for that thing and its probably a main reason why I wanna live on my own for  year too, to say this is my place and I'm paying my way.

Something else I also realized, I already have something of my own. My body, its no one else's and well I haven't really taken good care of it and its really been letting me know that lately and I think a big thing about that is my weight, I've cared it so long that its probably not only hindered things like my sciatic nerve and my running out of breath after climbing stairs and my menstrual cycle. Its probably physically aged me as well, I probably have the health of someone much older not a 27 year old.

I wanna write all the things I wanna do in here, but I feel like at this point in life actions speak louder then words so its time to get to work. I'll make another post soon.

It never goes according to plan...

The craziness that is the pace that this year has gone by is blowing my mind right now. I realized recently that soon football season is starting again and that means that holidays are coming back soon and 2015 literally winked at me as it flew by.

I feel like I have spent a good 8 months stuck in my own head this year, I started the year off right and had a game plan and like life things changed. I had some moments were I took things to some extremes (food, and well alcohol for hot minute as well) that it took me a bit to get back to center.  And my confidence of where I stood at my work place I feel really was knocked off a big peg more then I originally thought when it all went down. I felt a little ruffle of the feathers and a shot the ego when a promotion opportunity that I felt maybe I was a shoe in for (even if I wouldn't admit it out loud) didn't go as plan, aka I didn't get it.

Though I think all the drama that happened right after really took my already shaky confidence and pushed me over flat on my face. I'll admit I don't think I have fully gotten up and dusted myself off from that whole incident yet. Like I said I have had some moments of extremes since then in different worlds, but I'm sitting up for once look up at the world ready to dust myself up and stand up and move on.

There are days I feel this more and I get the heart and the encouragement to really thrive again, and then there are days I'm thrown off track and I feel back down on the ground and defeated.

Though in that same moment I feel more sure (or at least more connected) to my own self in the mirror then I ever felt in a long time. I guess you can say I may be down, but don't count me out yet.

Through out my life a lot the time I was very quiet (perhaps seemed like a shy person) because I  have since I was really young been very aware of myself and how others see me and how others see each other. How we judge and nit pick at times each other to mostly protect ourselves, from people doing it to us. If we point out someone else faults or issues, perhaps people wont turn and look at us and see what were so desperately trying to make sure they don't see. In the same token we are so consumed with how others see us that really only a select few even do because they are so much more concerned with how you see them.

I think for the longest time I wanted to prove myself as something that couldn't be defined as a label that everyone wants to stick you in as well as at the same time be accepted as some who belonged. So it that I was always fighting back and forth with trying to fit in and blend with a group I was impressed with and tried to impress them and at the same time trying not to fit into the labels or boxes people wanted to put me  into.

And in a round about way because that got frustrating and exhausted to fight all the time, I gave up. I found things that worked and were comfy and I liked. Maybe not loved but liked enough to wear, and in the same token found myself a few months in after that looking in my closet feeling defeated because nothing really was "me" and everything was just eh. Though when I tired to go find me, it was intimating to say the least. So I stuck with the known route, the safe route.

I've still struggling with that to this day, more so how to over come the rut instead of route I've taken and become stuck within and find myself again. Perhaps not inside, but out.

 I feel like in the past years I have really come into my own and think a lot of it has to do with one of the roles I do a work where I'm stage, because when I was younger I always dreamed of performing on stage or being in front a crowd or audience.

 I tired out for a few plays in high school (though was never picked) and the thing that was my issue the most was all these battles inside my head these issues I was fighting over labels and boxes and judgment and wanting to belong and be accepted came straight to the forefront of my head before getting on stage and the flight or fight responds would kick in with anxiety and fear and things would never go as plan. I would want to run, or I would be too in my head to make the performance good. I remember having that feeling during training for my role I do on stage/with field trip groups at work and having moments where I felt like I should go up to my manager and back out and say hey um how bout I not do this. I resorted to even writing "Hakuna Matata" on my hand as a reminder to well "have no worries" and calm down.

It had some bumpy starts and some times where I connected to the adults more then the kids, and had to be talked to and asked if I really wanted to stay on with that position. Something inside of me said I needed to see this through, I needed to get to the point where this became almost second nature to be on stage and do these demos and shows. So I worked on it and I still think back to that anxiety feeling I had before (the stage fright) every once and while before I go and do a show or demo for a school group. I've had a day where it came back (esp. if say we do a completely new show) and my shows were off and then I have my moment were I think how far I've come because while there is still a nerves to it because the crowd is always different there is also a familiarity to it as well as a peace of mind that comes with it. In those moments when I can really just be on stage and be in the moment and do the show that may not be one of my favorites having done it thousands of times now (3 years now) there is also a stillness a peace to going through it and interacting with the people and giving them a good show and perhaps teaching them something new.

In being on stage I have found myself, but my inner self still is hiding within a shell. I have realized in the past months (probably longer then that, but never wanted to agree to it) that my weight is a shell, a protection from the outside world. But more then my weight, food (as much as I don't want to admit to this, I know if there is something there when I think about it) has become some what of an addiction for me as well, a coping skill. A security blanket as you will, the thing that doesn't judge or talk back or ridicule me. (I hate this, but I know if I'm having trouble with saying it out loud, or even admitting it to myself it must be true ) When life has been bad, or even good food is something I have turned to just like movies and TV and books.

 A place to escape from my life, this life that is such a magical thing to even get to experience.

I'm getting ahead of myself here, food has been there for me when I needed to talk (when I should have talked) about my anxiety my needing to belong and not being able to find it. I had art and my writing (I wrote songs when I was younger; more like rhythmic poetry) to help me with it, but still it kept it all inside and in turn I would turn to food. I remember even in 3-5th grade staying up late after my family (at my dad's) would go to sleep and eating food and watch television (mostly infomercials or old TV shows from the 50's) and trying to cope with this feeling of who I was and who I wanted to be and the judgment of society and wanting to be accepted and belonging. Maybe I was being a bit melodramatic, but it felt all too serious and real to me. I felt that if I could be anyone else it the world it would be better, there was probably a good solid year I was pray at night to wake up as someone else, to be reborn and be able to start all over again as a baby, I destroyed a lot of pictures of that time frame I took to as I saw it in my eyes help me disappear easier. I never felt like I could be my true self I never felt like I could just be me. I have slowly gotten over that as I've gotten older and gotten tired of trying to make the worlds of not being labeled and boxed in and fitting in and belonging coincide together.

Plus, it also helps to have gained some really awesome friends along the way who know me and accept me for all my greatness to all my well neurosis. As I do the same for them, no questions asked.

Part of my problem when I finally realized where this was all heading when I finally was able to sit up from being knocked down early this year was that I could never get out of my head to see life again in all its glory. I was stuck in the whole system of dates and times and needing to have things figured out by a certain time to make other things work out in my life to make ideas and plans I have for myself go the way I hope the would. But I think we get the picture now, that well life isn't always as we plan it to be, is it?

I have also had a lot of reminders as of late, that though life seems like years and years, it can also be very short. I'm reminded of that in the fact that a coworker's death anniversary is coming up in about two months (and an old friend has been gone for 2 years now), as well as seeing how much of a twist one of my favorite TV shows can shock me with a death of a character unexpectedly. As well hearing my mom come home to tell me she saw a coworker literally take their last breath at work before falling the ground and watching them change colors in font of her face (graphic? sorry.) and how they stabilized the coworker only to get her to the hospital and then she finally passed. And then hearing once again today that a coworker of hers who I met briefly at target randomly when my mom ran into him passed away Monday from his fight with cancer (she has had two people now die from it this year that she knows) and all I can think about is the daughter he had with him when I met them, and hoping her and the family is doing well.

Though in all this sadness I also remember the precious little life that was recently brought into this world by my cousin on my dad's side. This brand new life that knows nothing about life or death right now, but is learning and seeing everything for the first time. And what a magical thing that is, and how simple is it if she could just be her true self and experience it all knowing she only needs to be herself.

How simple it could be if we all could be, and I remember for the first time in a long time, what I want to fight for in this life of mine.

Getting some stuff off my chest...

I've realized in the last 20-30minutes there is a reason I don't not use my computer in my bedroom. I came in here intending to write this blog post after I got ready for bed and call it a night, determined to start sleeping better to help get myself back to the gym more regularly. Instead, well I've been surfing Facebook among other sites; there is a reason I blog on the couch.

Taken the last three days off from work I figured it would give me some mental clarity from some of the craziness of life as of late. With the fact with some issues that happened a month or so ago knocking my self esteem/confidence a peg or two down. (Just getting my mojo back on track there) Also I was in the mindset when I requested the time frame off that I would change my sleeping patterns and get my ass to the gym. Well staying up till 1-2am and sleeping till 11:30 (only because of my clock radio going off to warn me it was getting close to noon I'd better get up) didn't really change that. I did cross some things off my list of things to do that I have been putting off for way too long, and no matter how small they may be I feel accomplished all the same.

Whether I feel rested physically is another story, you see while I did sleep in it wasn't without struggle be it stiff sore sides from laying on them for too long. Or my sciatic making its cries for movement esp. on this last day after spending a majority of time on the couch, with little to no mobility on my part at times. Gratefully I know my next few days at work aren't crazy intensity all day jump around with school group days, gratefully to help me get back into motion and not accidently re-pinch it and make a bigger set back all together.

And as I write this, I'm afraid my topic of interest is being forgotten and I'm just babbling off the top of my head at the moment. I'm having another wish of having the ability of just having a connection to my brain that I could just say all that I'm thinking and it would come out perfectly without trying to typing it out and get it to come across correctly. Or perhaps it would be easier/better if you all could just jump inside my brain and look around. LOL!

Oh well, lets see if I can get this all out and make it have some sense to it before the fourth of a melatonin pill kicks in fully to make me sleepy enough to get some shut eye before work tomorrow. (There was no way I was gonna fall asleep before midnight without it with the sleeping schedule I've had these last 2-3 days)

Weight, my weight. Gain or loss has been an issue in my life since I can remember, from a very young age even before school started I was picked on for it. Mostly by my brother, and then his friends at times too. To my first days of school being asked as a kindergartener if I was held back because I had boobs (or tits as the boy had asked). All this had made my weight to me more apparent then most, more of an issue then most. But that really was neither here nor here as a child but I guess something could be said about it, when in 4-5th grade I asked my dad to buy my slim fast and watermelon to eat and used the 5 min abs video to try and work out with. Perhaps it was all the issues my mom had that I saw growing up with weight that left more of an impact of how weight was seen in the world. That and perhaps trying to fit in with certain people at school as well.

You grow up, or at least I did with a little understand of good foods, verse bad foods. The fruits and veggies verses the cakes and the ice creams and chips and cookies. Though you don't really get it till much later in life why knowing this and probably more about how these effect your body in the long run of life is crucial. Especially when pegging all the "bad" food with happy times, its hard to see the draw back of eating them as a kid.

I knew growing up that my choices weren't always best, and maybe my parents could have played a bigger role in making sure I didn't always eat junk, but in the end of the day sometimes the fact that your kid picks anything at all is victory you deal with I guess, and you try again another day. Especially if you yourself don't know any better.

There has been countless times, I have nit picked my body. Shamed myself or hell mentally others for their own, shocker yes I know. At the end of the day though our body is our key to life, when it goes down hill, well soon goes the time you have left. I'm not here to say your body says this or that because of its size. All I want to say generalizing bodies as a whole is, we cant tell by appearances so know your facts, know your dangers and numbers and listen to your doctors about your health, but don't preach it down other peoples throats if they choose not to do it, as I wont to you. Its merely a suggestion to help out in the long run so you can live as full of a life as possible. Besides our body is ours to live our life as we choose, and that looks different for everyone. No one's worth of that is dictated by the size of their clothes or the width of the stomach or the lack of the damn thigh gap that has annoying become such a thing. If you can take anything away from this mid post rant; be a good person to yourself and others, and live your life now to the fullest.

As of late I think of the times I lost a significant amount of weight and gained it back, I get hard on myself about it but I also realize what an accomplishment it was because each time it was 20 plus pounds.

The first time was sophomore/junior year of high school, after years of spending summers at my dads going in with the notation of returning back home fit and skinny and shocking my friends back at school and never following through I decide to hell with it and started working out on my own with some free light weights, a list of random works I remembered from a fitness magazine and a elliptical that I had begged my mom to get (that I used for quite a bit before it came a clothes rack). I had lost probably a good 15-30 lbs. on my own before my mom decide she want to join in and added me to her gym membership, with some personal trainer sessions that came with the membership I think I got down another 15-20 lbs. in the next few months. After training sessions ended and not having a car (too young at the time) and high school coming to a close things got pushed away and without full knowledge calories in and calories out at the time (this was before the biggest loser after all) the weight came back.

It wasn't till mid 2008 when I got on a plane to go back to my dad's after getting the call that my grandma had passed and the airplane seat was tight that I realized something might need to be done. I had humorously enough started to blame the dryer and washer for the shrinking of my clothes without a second thought at the time to my weight at all. Until I got back home and realized I weighed in at just over 300lbs. You'd think that would be noticeably but when you are almost 6ft and have been on the chubby side most of your life it doesn't really sink in till the numbers arise on the scale to remind you of the weight.

I had partnered up with a friend of mine this time and from mid- 2008 till about late 2011 I had an on and off course of weight loss journey that was a little more successful because of unemployment during the economy issues of the time, I ended up losing 56-62lbs and being the lightest I had been since high school/middle school.  Of course around that time I ended up finally finding a job and getting into the swing of things with that started off just fine and I kept up my workouts as much as I could for a good 6 months and only gained a little back. Though with time I let it go more and more, especially when busy working during the holidays, and slowly the weight I lost came back and with time over the last almost 4 years at same said job so has another 26 lbs. as well.

Back in November last year due to my sciatic issues pinching and re-pinching with lack of mobility on my part besides my activity at work I had to force myself back to the gym. At first it was just a matter of getting there and doing small workouts. Towards the end of the year I was really starting to enjoy it, and by the time I left for my Dad's to spend time with family in January for week I was done a good 20-25 lbs. My sciatic while a pain my side (literally) had become this life safer for my waist line, and even after getting back from my Dad's my work outs continued till beginning of April (our busy spring break time at work) and instead of changing up my sleeping patterns to match and help out I let myself slack till that time ended, and went go back at it and had lost my momentum. Slowly I stopped going all together but a time here and there (two-three times since) when I really felt low and wanted a stress relief or when I felt that darn sciatic nerve start its pain of a warning to me.

As of late, I still have my issues with comparing myself to others when I know I need to focus on my own journey and make my body and my health my priority not whether or not I'll look as good as so-so when I lose the extra weight. I need to do this for my future and well for the moment of my life I'm living in. You see its not very fun to be winded by a couple sets of 9 stairs a piece at work, nor feeling stuck in life because your not as confident in yourself as you use to be as you could be if you just got back to being healthy again.

Even when your mind starts to play that what if game of, if I do this for myself and get healthy and in turn skinnier does that mean I don't value my curves or am I showing hate to those who embrace their curves even at a heavier weight?

Then I realize something more to this, why? We are all in this together, this life is meant for all of us. Curvy, Athletic, Skinny, all body types are beautiful and its more as cliché as this sounds: what is inside that counts. And well, I'm sorry (but really not) that for me to happy in my life I feel I need to lose the weight (a good 160lbs at this point) and really its not just about being happy cause I weight less. Its about being confident in my self because I feel good and I'm healthy and well it'd also help if my leg wouldn't go numb on my right side from a slightly pinch sciatic nerve from just laying on my bed writing this for the past 45minutes. Also, to have my period (yes the dread menstrual cycle in all its glory) come back regularly like it did back a few months ago to hey at least give me a chance to have some off spring one day if I so choose to.

I have a tendency if you haven't noticed in past blogs to put a lot of weight (not talking body weight now) on one action or thing in life, and question what it means for or about me. And I also get ahead of myself and try to run before I can walk or walk when I'm still learning to crawl at something new I'm trying.

So at the end, of it all I'm trying to live my best possible life "Now" and live in the moment for the moment, with intent for the future as I see fit for this little time I have on the spinning blue marble of life on earth. And I hope you can all do the same.

Just off the top of my head.

Every moment I feel like I'm finally getting my head above water enough to clearly write something new. I feel myself being pulled back under the current.

I was gonna mention how its been 2 months since I was at the gym regularly, aka I've been 3 times in that time frame. Or how I mentioned I would write one of these posts sooner than a couple months from my last one (that was in March).

That all seems irrelevant right now.

I have my times when I have clarity of what I want to write about and where I want my life to go, and then it all falls apart.

I look back at where I was a few months ago and feel like a sham. Though in the same instant I know that I'm taking things way too serious and life is meant to have its ups and downs.

Starting to try and plan anything I get stuck in time frames of when it should happen in or how. Life seems to need time tables where there weren't before and I want to change everything or just run away. I feel like that 20 year old girl again who doesn't have a damn clue.

 

 

 

 

I'm wanting to get back to the gym and get back to working out on the regular. I know I need to when I'm stopping at the top, after climbing the stairs when I come in our employee entrance at work to catch my breath incase someone stops me to ask a question once I come into our offices. I take the elevator a lot of the times during work to avoid this issue in case of a guest coming up to me.

 

I hate it, makes me feel like I can't deal with a few stairs and inability to do things I have noticed drive me nuts, especially when I realize the only reason I can't is because of something I'm doing to myself.

 

My sciatica while not re-pinched yet has given its warning signs of being inactive for too long. My joints hurt from too much walking, standing, kneeling, sitting. Oh and my muscles when I do a repetitive action too long or too much forget about it the next day.

 

My hair has thinned out quite a bit from what it once was before back when I was semi healthier at the beginning of the year. I questioned it in person and see it in pictures from early of this year to now and its not just a change of color from a dye or two I've done or the one hair trim I've had a few months ago now.

 

Have I mentioned while working out regularly  my periods were on time every month and the same length? Now, M.I.A or what's worse when they come they are heavy and a crampy  mess.

 

I feel like you get the point, but I also feel like I need to write all this out for me as well as you reading, so when I have one of those unmotivated days or weeks, or whatever I can read through this old blog as I tend to do when I reflect and remind myself why I need to do these things.

 

 Why I need to get more then 5 hours a of sleep (or sometimes less) a night; key reason I picked a night where I don't go in till 1pm for work tomorrow to sit up and write, since its when I do my best thinking.

 

Why, fruits and veggies need to become more then just an occasionally snack food especially over chips and cookies and misc. junk that has invaded my life that should be sometimes food as cookie monster on sesame street would say.

 

Why I need to seriously FOR REAL THIS TIME; cut soda out of my diet completely and drink more water.

 

Reasons for the need to clean and purge my life from unnecessary things: clothes that don't fit anymore (size or my liking of them), items that I wasn't sure I wanted to throw away the last time I went through everything. A dusting of shelves and cobwebs that have invaded my life & trash that has accumulated of old scripts and paper from work or junk mail that has piled up.

 

 Words, I need to write out more often so they don't get catch up in my head and pull me away from the present moment so much that I forget how to just be still.

 

A life that needs to be just simply lived more then planned out for a future that may never happen. (Though I do want to share my ideas of some times I want in life.)



 

 

 

 

 



Decompressing the Scatter Brain...

Had just finished getting ready for work, minus changing my pj pants for work pants. Sat down to kill the 30mins or so I had till I had to leave, when work calls to tell me the school group I had today moved to our other location up north and I don't have to come in today. Score a day off, bummer not getting paid.

Too awake to go back to sleep for a few hours and don't want to go to the gym right now being too early, watch TV and finish my coffee and browse the internet.

Think about the blog ideas I had last night and think of attempting a new blog or start of the possible three blogs had planned before sleep over took my brain last night.

Seriously contemplating a nap now.

.... my morning in a nut shell.

I haven't made a post since I got back from my Colorado trip back in late January early February, I have had thoughts of what I wanted to write about and then forgot about it or just lacked the inspiration to really sit down and write.

My mind has wanted to make blog posts about my life, women's body image and self esteem issue, my weight loss and a whole lot more. But that is in fact my brain, scattered at best most days.

Lack of sleep (only 4-5 hours) last night may make this post seem a little more scattered than most, however I wanted to type some of this out of my head before it exploded. This is why I write because I need to express it some how, I need to get what's mulling around my head out every once and while.

Its therapeutic in a way, like going to the gym. I have actually been going on a semi constant basis (3-4 times plus a week or more) since the first of Nov. I think in all that time I have maybe skipped 2-2 1/2 weeks totally, part of that being the days in Colorado that I did nothing (no snowman making or tread run) and one week or so that snuck up on me out the blue when taking a few mental days off.

To say I've lost a ton of weight is not true but also true in a sense that I've lost close to 30 lbs. now but also in that time frame I haven't always been the best with food choice or even in my sleep patterns so while my body is defiantly showing some changes and tone up in places. I've had to buy a few new clothes for my wardrobe so I don't look like a droopy baggy mess it could be better. Though I have to shake my head and tell myself it is good and not to knock my progress as of late. It could have been better but it also "could" have been worse.

I get stuck in my head a lot time with the ideal of what I should be doing and looking like and all this other stuff that my body image goes up and down on a daily, or hourly basis (some days) at least in my own head.

I can have days where my self esteem is so high and I feel awesome and amazing and my workouts just boost me up and encourage me to be better and even if my food isn't all healthy I know the balance is better than trying to limit myself or restrict myself from foods that I will later binge on.

Though I have days where I watch the clock in the gym and look at myself in every mirror I see, and pick my body apart. Asking myself why I'm not showing more results in the way my body is losing weight (or at worst comparing it to others at the gym or I see in passing or on TV) or telling myself I need to be better at my food I need to get better and sticking under calories and finding out calorie limits for the weight I want to be at. I tell myself to stick to those instead of slowing lowering them as my body loses weight to fit my body's needs not my want to lose weight quicker.

Though I have found my solution to keep work outs up most days, even if I'm just going through the motions of a standard work out I do all the time and I'm looking at the clock every 5-10mins while I'm there. It's better than not going at all right? For me the best thing to do is to pack my gym bag before bed at night and when my sleepy brain (in the morning) try's to tell me a nap after work sounds so much better and that I should just skip it, I tell my head to "Shhh" and focus on waking up, on making my breakfast, (and lunch/snack for before the gym) on eating, on getting ready for work on just browsing the internet. Focusing on my job, so that when my work day is done the gym just seems like the natural next step to take of my day. I try to spend most of my energy in the present moment and while its not always 100% all my focus I try 75-85% time to make it so every day.

Some days I go through the motions but I'm in my head, and feel totally not connected at all. Other days I think about quitting all together but my sciatica tells me why I can't. (That little bastard is a gift from God) I see weight on the scale drop or feel or see changes in my body and I get motivated again, or I get inspired by others stories or get pissed at way people are treated for their bodies and I want to make a stand. Its all a case by case basis or well day by day and I have noticed a lot of the time my sleeping patterns effect it and so do my food choices. More so my sleep if I don't get enough or I sleep too much as well, still working on the balance there. While my food I  may over eat on a day or so and feel a little off it doesn't really effect me too much, unless I let it slip up BAD one day or over a couple day period. While sleep (or lack of) can kinda make a change over night.

At the end of the day I know why I'm doing this all, something that I want to go in detail about in a later blog (that I promise wont take me three months to write) and the reasons why I haven't given up this time and I feel like I'm seeing better results this go around body shape wise than before, even when I realize I have only made a small dent in my weight loss in comparison to where I need to be(Need- being health reasons).

Just getting Started....

I have contemplated typing a post since just before New Year's Eve and never got around to it, I thought about doing a post during my trip to see Family in Colorado last week and never got around to it. Was I too busy to do so? Nope. Just never got around to it.

Though lets start with the biggest thing so far this year, minus all the changes I feel right now that may have to do with the New Year Glow still not faded away. About four days after my last post I decided to cash in my chips so to speak and change my travel plans for this year, call it impulse action or sappiness brought on by the holidays. Regardless I missed my family too much to want to wait till September to see them. I had enough money saved for Boston to almost book my trip: I was waiting on Friday to show up for pay day to do so when it all changed.

Well it changed before that, but you get the picture. The more I thought about it the more I realized I didn't want to just get away or get a new perspective on life. I missed my family, I missed my home town and as always when winter rolls around I missed the snow.

I talked with my Dad the next day, and after reassuring him that I wasn't coming out of guilt or blowing off my Boston trip (something I really wanted) he said that he'd love to have me come for a visit. I booked my flight that night, and over the next couple weeks of buying things I needed (heavier coat/snow boots etc.) and things I had put off buying because of saving / Christmas Gifts my savings for Boston disappeared.

Christmas and New Years came and went and I kept getting more excited for my trip each day. It was slightly bittersweet on my last day of work prior to trip knowing when I came back a few things would be different and I knew I'd miss being there for sure.

The flights were ok, minus sitting on the wrong side on the way back. Weirdly my sciatic nerve when I sat on it via the way to Denver I had no issue, flying on the other side of the plane the way back not sitting on it about 40 mins. left of the flight I had some issue and stiffness the next day when I "didn't" sit on the side that had been pinched months prior. Go figure that one.

While I didn't do much but hang out at my Dad's with him and my brother and go build a couple snow men (creatures) and see family and see it snow one morning. I loved my trip so much, it was a break from everything I know and while the first night before bed I just wanted to be back home I knew by the time the week ended I would wish I could stay longer. And while I wish it had been a longer trip and miss them now, it was all worth it and just enough for me, for now.

I have been home since about 5pm (California time) on Saturday, and while it feels like I never left there is definitely a difference to my life then there was before last week. While at times I feel like the week didn't even happen, the pictures and my memories remind me every day and make me smile from ear to ear.

Strange to say that while I feel like the world itself hasn't changed, its me living it that has and I don't think that part of me has fully come out yet.

Right now I contemplate on saving for school to start in a years time with at least my AA in something, I haven't thought it all out yet or talked with school counselors to see my plan of attack yet. I also think of saving as much as I can period, but also in chance to still do my Boston trip this year but pushed back few months to our slowest time of the year at work in September. I have put so much thought into that trip before and what I wanted to do and looked at so many places on line and where I wanted to visit and see.  My heart still says it needs to go, just to experience what Massachusetts offers.

Part of me wants to save for both: school and that trip, but I'm not entirely sure its possible. Though part of me things that it could be if I did it right. This 2015 seems to hold so much more to offer than I remember any other year before, and like I said it might be because I left on the fourth and never really dug into the New Year in my life that I have so far set up for myself, but ya know what 365 days can say a lot if your willing to explore them.

So here's to the other 350 days left in the year, no matter what I do or don't do lets make the most of them.