With thanksgiving getting closer I was getting excited for the holiday season because I love this time of year, but once I started to take the decorations out for Christmas and we had turkey day dinner and I put all the Christmas décor out that day with my schedule being crazy at work (not getting off till sunset/or dark outside) and I wanted a good month of lights- besides snow (which I don't get) they are a favorite part of the holiday season. The excitement wore off, and ever sense I'm back in this glum of a static existence of sorts.
I've been thinking about my weight a lot these days, mostly because its become a hindrance more each day I've noticed. I feel more sluggish and the stairs seem to be harder to climb and not the mention that when it comes to field trips or just in general trying to talk to someone after I climb the stairs forget about it. I feel the physical issues every day and try to ignore them most of the time I get by with that, but every time I look in the mirror or go through photos of a party with friends I was at I get that reminder of what I've let myself become. I don't like it I'm not comfortable this way physically and emotionally.
I feel like you know you've had enough of something when you just stare at the ceiling at night and wonder when will be the time when you just say screw it and change it instead of thinking instead of planning you just do it. Though I also have days were I do that and because I'm so tired and so exhausted from carrying this weight around (both physically and emotionally) that the act of going to work out of doing something of that nature just sounds so daunting and like the last thing I'd want to do, even though I know it will make me feel so much better. I "KNOW" this from past experience but I still sit waiting for the last hair on the camel's back so to speak, to give me that determination again that motivation to change.
Lately I've even just felt like simply laying one way is an issue because putting to much of my weight on say a leg or on a joint the leg or arm or foot goes numb much quicker then your foot falling asleep after it being in the same position for too long. Some nights I do constantly shift while on the couch watching TV because a body part gets numb or feelings tingling and I know this isn't a good thing, I don't dare look up what it could possible mean with that. I just know it needs to change.
Honestly I think all the colds I got this year (as I've said before) were more due to the extra weight weakening my immune system and me not eating right and taking care of myself and then you add the germs from the kids or just in the air because of the weather changes or what have you and you get sick.
I've gone back and forth on just eating a gluten free diet or at least playing with the idea of trying to change my diet to take out the gluten foods for a couple weeks to month and see if that changes anything but also just in general change my eating habits and eat better whole foods.
I'm tired of just getting by in life of wishing and waiting for something to happen, and while I want this I'm also scared at what it might mean in the end when I do get down to my goal weight but I cant let fear change my want or my need to get healthy and to in the best defense against germs and other things that I know I'm already at risk for with family history.
Emotionally I'm for sure damn ready. Physically, I'm ready (soreness be damn!)... now if I can just get out of my own darn head and become mentally ready as well. Here's hoping!
