Weight loss Progress

I posted a similar set back in January and I decided to post the ones I took on sunday for the six month progress, though from January till now I've only lost about a pound since my calories havent been the best.

The top is from june 2009 when I was at 296 and the bottom is this pass sunday june 2011 when I was at 255.2.  At my heaviest I was 312.4 but have lost those pictures from when I started taking progress pictures and have a before to compare it to.

Hope you all have a great day... and a happy fourth of july on monday. Gotta love me those fireworks!!

thanks for reading.

Habits and Voids

Lately I’m beginning to see I have this void this urge/need to have or do something always. Though the more I think the more I realize it has always been there and it never left. Be it this need to be somewhere else, do something else or in my case eat something else, I’ve never truly found something in my life that satisfies this feeling in the pit of my being. 

It seems when I’m doing well in my weight loss, going to the gym three times a week and watching my calories and foods I eat, after about three days usually I get this nagging urge to over eat to I guess “binge” on anything or well if we have something good in the house that more than others, but I get this need to go back to an old habit and I ask myself why? It can’t come up with a reason, usually I can bid it at bay for a few hours or days but somehow along the line I cave. Maybe because like they saying; old habits are hard to break (old habits die hard), or I just haven’t found a new one (habit) to replace it with.  But something in me is now really telling me, it’s not the food I’m truly wanting. In fact it’s the urge I use to quiet with food, since long ago when maybe I could name it or put an object‘s face to it upon recognition.

Since, I have turned away from it and in turn pushed it down with food or ran away from it with other problems I had to focus on, or maybe, made my life seem harder so it wasn’t an issue I needed to face since it wasn’t something that held greatest authority or problem for me at the moment. I have since lost the words to describe it let alone the face it can hold to help me recognize it. Like I can, upon seeing the letters I write here and the words they create and mean.

One thing I’ve learnt in the past few years is a lot of life’s issues and struggles are how we (people) in fact deal with or react to, issues at hand when they arise over what  things (events) occur. The whole “let the chips fall where they may,” and act accordingly. We usually act in reaction to seeing the change before it habits or even stress upon something instead of solving the issue at hand; we cry over spilled milk.

I talk from experience, especially in the past when things weren’t going right instead of sitting down and working them out (cleaning up the milk) I thought my life was shit and I was just dealt with a bad hand. Things would get better eventually, but for now life sucked. I stressed upon everything and everything pissed me off. It’s easier to do it that way, because trying to solve an issue or make things better takes effort. But like I said I was taking the easy route and wallowing in my misery, and while I knew I didn’t have it that tough I still played it out that way. I actually had it a lot better than, with all the things I was doing than I do now, but regardless I’ve learnt life is what you make it. Not in that everything will be picture perfect happy. But your reaction to things that happen are 99.9% your own and mostly how you see life and how you deal with it.

So as I have said this void in my life has decided to come up and show it’s self again, and why wouldn’t now that I’m not suppressing it with anger or stress or over eating (most of the time). The only issue I deal with is how to figure out where this void is and how to help fill or know what in fact it represents in my life right now. Plus, not be scared to try things that I think might fix it, just for the shear factor that what happens if that’s now what it is.  I’m beginning to see that my life as much as I tried not to make it so, has become this all or nothing approach.  If I don’t feel great issues with it or it doesn’t do make me feel for or against it I tend to sweep it under the rug. But if something does and I can’t solve it I panic and do the same thing.  I guess it’s my want to not seem like a perfectionist when I truly am and a lot of the time I’d rather it get it totally right, than not at all.  The whole why try it all if I feel like I’m gonna fail motto a lot of us have. Stop ourselves before disappointment, but hey isn’t that how we live and learn? Our world our universe was built on that, our disappointments and missteps are how we grow and live and change: which in fact is the only constant thing in our life.

I just have to think and act in a different way and always ask myself if my want for those tasty snacks we have are from hunger and if they aren’t than what do I need/want to do and can it be done?  It may not be so simple and it may be, but I know old habits aren’t the way to go and making new ones to replace them is the only way to break an old one really.