Walls of Life- A Short Story.

I wrote this a couple weeks ago and posted it on my facebook and didn't know if I wanted to post it here, but here it is. Enjoy!
    


   The wall that I've hit and also hid from has become my new set back, my feeling of lack of trying or not caring that I know this thing I do this action I take or dont take doesnt benefit me. But it makes life easy, it make me live without fear, without doubt without, anything. I've hit this wall telling it I know what I'm doing now break down and let me through, let me move on from this point and get to where I want to be.

This wall asks me, "What is that? What is it that you want to be."
 "I want to be thin, I want to be healthy, I want to live my life," the wall agrees and than asks me another question,
 "What is your life? what do you plan to do that I must fall apart where I'm quite content to stand forever."
'I want to do all the things I want do in life my life", I told the wall but its slient. "I want to do the things I want to do in my life," I say again.
The wall remains still." Look," I tell it  "I have already figured out the reasons why I have been where I have been. I'm changing things to go there", I say pointing past the wall.  "Really?" It questions me. "Yes, really." I say.

"Than push me and I shall fall," it tells me and I do but I feel no give and the hard I push the harder I try the stronger the wall seems.
The more I back of and ignore the wall and try to live within the space I have been given. But to go anywhere I have to face this wall that seems not to move. "Why wont you move!" I tell it, and it doesnt speak. I take a breath and I clear my head and look out at my world as it is, I see things and people and sometimes if i listen close enough I hear the wall shake but it doesn't not fall.

"How have I gotten this far but some how can't seem to go no further, I can go easily back to the way things use to be, but not further ahead". "What happened that I got stuck here." 
"You gave up trying," I hear the wall say.
 "I did not I still get up every morning I still live I still do things I need to do every day."  "ALL THINGS" it questions me.
"Well to a point," I say with a shrug.
It is than that it says, "You are not living a life you say you wish to live." 
"Well no, I haven't gotten to that point yet, I have to reach that like everyone else."
 "Why must you wait to live your life?" it questions me. 

"Thats how life works you work towards your goals and your life and everything else follow." I tell the wall but it becomes slient again, almost as if this a slience has become its way of saying NO I disagree, I start to think.

"I need to work towards the things I want to get the things I want in life to make my life the way I want it."
 "You still have not shared this life with me," it replies.
 "Why should I, this is my life to live not yours, your just a road block in my way!"
 " No, I'm not a road block I am not anything of that sort."
 "Your a wall," I tell it.
"To you maybe," it replies.

"Oh shut up, you just wish me not to be happy," I tell it with a roll of my eyes and turn around but than I realize looking ahead its still there, I turn around again and again and I shout, "AM I GOING CRAZY OR ARE YOU EVERYWHERE!"

"I am no where," it says and makes me raise my brow but it says no more. I take a breath and focus on something else and the room I seem to become incased in dissapears till the wall is alone again.  I remember what it said, I no where.
 "How can you be no where," I ask.
 "Because I am nothing,"
"How can you be nothing," I ask.  It doesnt reply.
"WALL ANSWER ME!"

"I am not a wall," it tells me.  I roll my eyes and run a hand through my hair with a frustrated sigh.

"Than what are you?" I ask.
"I am cannot tell, you must see," It tells me.

"SEE WHAT!" I ask with a shriek as maddening start to seep into my brains.
"You will see when you are ready," it says and goes slient once again.

And like other times life goes on and the wall becomes a thought nothing more but I get no where but where I've been. The wall only appears when I question it when I ask myself where do I want to go in life why does it seem I can't even get to the half way point of this journey I've started. But it seems its tired of my answers tired of playing games.

It has become a slient wall that I have tired to dig under or through. I've tried many attempts to change its position in my life yet there it stands.
"Why wont you go away?: I question it sure it wont answer.

"Because you dont want me to," it says shocking me.
"I do want you to go away, do you not see me trying to get away from you."
"Why would you want to do that?" it questions.

"SO I can live my life," I tell it.
"Life is already in progress right now," it tells me.
"Yeah, yeah, yeah," I shrug it off ignoring the settement that I have always found interesting in the past.

"Let me live my life!" I tell it and shrinks and I think I'm starting to win and it grows back up again.
"GET OUT OF MY WAY!" I shout and it shrinks again to nothing but knee high, I try to step over it thinking i've won when it with a force I'm on my back staring at the wall again, and now it seems taller, wider and stronger than before.

"Ignore me all you wish, this is what you've always done," it starts to say when I start to think of other things.
"What else can I do!" I ask it.
"Face me". it says and I roll my eyes
"But your a wall!"  I tell it

"Never a wall," it responds
"Always a wall," I argue!

"Only to you."

"Why only to me!" I ask not quite sure what it's getting at.
"You see me as a wall, you think me as a wall because you want to get past me you want to ignore me, you want to escape me but you can't."

"But you are the only thing in my way," I tell it.
"True, that part I will agree with," it says making me shake my head with a chuckle.

"What should I see you as if not a wall," I ask it.
"That I can not tell you," is all it says.
Rubbing my eyes I dont think I don't do anything but breath.

"Be aware," it whispers.
"Of what!" I ask with a whisper of a yell looking towards the floor.
It doesnt speak  I look up and the wall is no longer there but I also feel as I can not move my feet.

Be aware I hear this time in my head.
I try to be aware of my thoughts but there are none.
I try to be aware of the people around me, I have more happy moments with them but I still feel stuck in place.
I try to be aware of my actions but yet nothing changes.

"If I could be the where I want to be I'm sure I could move I'm sure I wouldnt be here," I say outloud.

"Are you sure about that," I hear a voice as feet step toes to match mine.
I start to look up but feels like I shouldnt so I stop.

"I'm sure if I had everything I needed, the ducks in a row as they call it I'd be fine."
"Really, and what are these ducks?" This voice asks that sounds much like the wall but not really at all.

"Happy life, with all the things I want to do and be." I say watching the person in front of me toe's wiggle
"You listen well to others but not to yourself" it tells me.

"Maybe I dont take my own advice as much as I should," I say but I hear them sigh in frustration.
"You arent aware are you, maybe I should go," they tells me.

I start to look up but they put their hand on my shoulder.
"Dont look up quite yet." they say and the voice no longer sounds like the wall's ever did.

"But I want to know who you are," I tell them.
"You already do, you just arent aware of it yet." it says.

"Huh" I ask as my head snaps up but I forget what is said  when I stare back at myself.

"You look like me but, but..." I start to lose focus on my thoughts.
"I look like how you always imagined yourself to be in that pretty little head of yours," she says back with a chuckle.

"Hey don't use our wit against me." I say but smile.
"How." I ask and see her face fall or would it be my face fall.

We stand in slience till I start to focus on other things problems and I see her dissapear and the wall start to build up again.
"Wait come back!" I say but the wall is slient.

"I just wanted to know how to get there," I say to myself in a whisper.
"By being you." I hear the wall's voice say.

"Huh!?" I say.
"Listen to yourself," it tells me.

I try but again I feel stuck, I start to think of the things in life I like the things in life that are good and things I could do and be and the wall starts to shrink, this time I dont think about winning over it. This time I think about myself and how I am and how that helps or a lot of time doesnt help my sitaution, my life.

"Life is now ain't it." I hear my voice again
Looking again its the me, that I've always thought I could be, nothing more nothing less.

"Your the wall?" I ask.
"When you want me to be." I hear myself say.
It dawns on me than, " I am only stopping myself," I say.

"Yup," She says
"So how do I stop this wall from coming back," I ask.

"Think about it, We both know you got this if you try," She says.
"If I'm aware," I ask with raised eyebrow and sort of worry.

"Its all your doing," I hear her say walking behind me, looking at something with a sad yet understanding face.
"Well not everything," I say thinking of things that are out of my control.

"well no, but your life could have gone a lot differently up till now," she says.
"oh la de dah miss I know how good my life is," I say and she shakes her head.

"I was there," she points at behind me.
Turning I look and see my past. see my life and everything in it.
"I always have been, you just choose to ignore me but now that you want to face it you have to face me too."

"Face myself," I ask slightly confused.
"Let yourself be, stop hiding it. Stop doing things for the sake of others instead of yourself," She says.

"But thats selfish and people will hate me."
"Not like that, I mean in place of others when you need it more," she says turning back to stand next to me looking ahead.

"What will people think," I ask.
Laughing she looks at me, "They always will, why try stop them it wont work."

"Easier said than done," I say.
"Nah, done is done, and being said could make it happen later or hey in most cases not even at all."She places a hand on my shoulder and turns me to look and her.

"Be aware," I question
"Yup, ask yourself whos in your way, if there is something your doing or not doing in your life to not help where you want this to go, change it," she says.

"If I can't at the moment," I ask.
"Than be aware of it till it can be, nothing wrong with being aware and opened minded is there?" she smirks.

"If you dont stand for nothing you fall for anything," I say.
"Even if its just standing up for yourself," she told me.

"When will I look like you," I ask seeing myself for the first time how I always felt I would.
"You'll know it when you see it," she laughed.
I rolled my eyes and suddenly I was alone, well till I saw the small sets of walls off in the distance.
It was in listening to myself that I knew,
Each life moment, has our own self walls that we must stand for or against to have the life where care to lead.

To the elephant in the room, that is emotions.

Late night mind chatter when falling asleep at times can give you the best ideas and sometimes the best insight to who we really are. If we remember these things of course, lately I’ve been stuck in my head of doing anything really. I think I compared it to trying to do the Macarena in a crowded clown car for some odd reason I don’t know, maybe because I couldn’t think of where else it would be hard to actually do it. Anyways, as my thoughts tend to drift about things to do, things I should be doing and could be’s and what if’s as I tried to go to sleep either last night or the nights past I started to think about emotions.

Blame Oprah’s network new show “Addicted to Food” (Monday nights I believe) where they showed words to use in their therapy sessions to help/ control the situation I guess;  and how we sometimes can’t really separate the real emotion from the need to feed ourselves be it with food or whatever else you have found your coping mechanism to be. My mind kept telling me that boredom was my issue that need of finding something else to do. But I know I also eat because of things like stress, of trying to hide from an issue or even because I’m happy and it sounds good because well that treat(food) brings happy feelings too.  That’s when emotions came into play about how I deal with them how I react how I am in fact emotional. 

Not your typical can cry at the simplest thing or at the drop of a hat or anything it’s more of I’m very mellow unless I feel strongly about a certain issue thing or whatever it is. It’s like I guess the best way to explain it would be the bang that comes after the dynamites fuse has worn out. I get so worked up about an issue till I bust and that’s how I feel things. Most people have a degree I guess knob we can call it about how much we care or think about an issue.  People can usually control that, me on the other hand I react to things like the catch phrase “Winning-duh” has caught on by we know who.

When it comes to food part of my emotional stand point I think was to feel that powerful fullness; aka too full really. Or even sometimes that ache of I need to eat in the past came too, but I think a slightly small factor to this was the way my parents worded how we went about seconds in our household. It was always if you want more, than when you’re done you can get more. Not if you’re hungry, plus we also had the whole clean your plate method which we know isn’t the best advice either.

When life came into it when thinking about how I feel so lost a lot of the time, when I think about my future and things I want to do. I realize I’m looking for that extreme emotion or connection to what I want to do with my life, that I think others have when they find the thing they want to do. What maybe I’m missing is that this is one of those times they find a peace or a need or pull towards that one thing, more times than other things and not this shouting voice in quiet room saying “BE THIS” or “BE THAT.”  They’ve probably thought about it or it’s just something that makes sense to them because they’ve done it all their life and like doing it. Or when thinking about it, that is where they wanted to help out in the world.

I haven’t found my one path yet and I don’t think I’m meant for one solid path, don’t really think anyone is. It’s about what we see and how we relate to the world, dynamite emotions or not. But it’s helped me realize that just like other things in this world that, I probably share this weird emotional thing too and well that helps. Plus it makes me not worry so much about finding my shouting source of where I’m supposed to be in this world. Maybe after all it’s not a shouting voice it’s just a whisper going, “Hey remember me.”

Thanks for reading.