Yup, I'm a people pleaser. I do things most of the time to be liked as vain as that is, but at the same token I don't go out of my way to be something I'm not to impress or be around people. I've tried though, trust me on that it's not worth it. I've done it and just become ashamed of myself for even doing so, exhausted at myself for trying to put up something that was never there and also in the process blocked/ forgot who I truly was in the first place.
I've mentioned before that, my person (mentally) and my image in the mirror (physically) don't mesh or connect. I've come to the point where I don't remember them ever being so. A lot of the time I wish I could step out of myself and see how I come across as a person because as much as I do be myself and just think as me I feel like some how I don't know my true identity. Though maybe I won't truly know that till I'm done with my life, but like most unknown things they scare me and that being so personable and key to me is the scariest I think.
As I lose weight I feel like part of me is even more lost than I was before. Almost as if with the weight I had more of a persona maybe? It confuses me on how to describe where I'm at right now. I'm at the point where I'm almost at the 1/2 point in losing this weight and wanting to get into more stuff that shows more of who I am or at least I'm starting to become as I let this shell of excess weight go and timidly so, stand out as who I am for once and not hide behind things, like I've done.
But like always I meet blockers, the question that comes up are; Am I doing this truly for me? Is it worth it? Am I just trying too hard? Among other things like when I go for trying to wear makeup more or at least learn how to make my apperance something that looks like I care more than I use to seems like crap, am I being vain and shallow? Not to say that those who do care and do it every day are so. For me I dont want to be defined by that so I guess in the way I never put the effort in so I couldnt be. But also in the same boat, I was defined by my lack there of, because well inaction is just as much an action as doing something whatever the cause or siutation may be. Than when I start to get pass that the money issue comes in, like do I really want to spend the money on this? And I'm back at the being defined as someone who cares about her looks, but yea know I sit here and type this and saying it over and over again; "Someone who Cares." It starts to sound silly.
Than I also really read what I just wrote. "Someone who Cares" .... isn't that what this is all about? Caring about myself more than I have in the past more than what was needed. Case in point, why I got to the weight I was and hid behind it, because well in that small token as much as I dont want to admit it, "I didnt care." But in reality I did. I cared too much what others thought, and not what I thought of myself and my actions.
A friend said this a couple days back:
I think that's normal. The more i live, the more i wonder if we're all full of false bravado in order to just make it through the day. I’m getting to the point where i care less and less, though i hate feeling so insecure with myself. Am i just one of many? Perhaps that's why people are so quick to judge others-- it's a momentary comfort. What might seem like an insult is really just a way of relating. It makes you feel better. Not because you're superior, but perhaps because somebody just happens to be a bit like you.
In life we freak out so much about what other people are thinking about us that we forget that most of the time they really are only worrying about what you think of them. We are all waiting for that moment where we can say, "Oh you too?" And I think if we focused on that our worlds might be a little bit more peaceful each day.
Take the time on yourself because most the time no one else will, and hey you deserve it. We all do.
