One step forward, two steps back, a new life ahead of me and
old habits die hard or that’s the way the saying goes right? I think P!nk got
it right when she wrote the song “It Hurts 2 Be Human.” But it does help to talk,
or to vent out what’s going on in your head, your heart and in your life.
That’s one thing I want to get better at this year, and for
future years and my lifetime to come, no matter how difficult that moment may be,
or time may be. I think back to when I was in middle school and high school, I
use to write songs and poetry (or lyrics since I don’t really play a musical
instrument) to help me deal with my emotions or that I guess maybe verbal treadmill
I sometimes found my mind going on, over and over again.
It wasn’t something that solved the issue or fixed it but it
was the best or well better way for me to cope with the anxiety I do find myself
with, and understand how much I have come to now fully know how much I do deal
with it at times with ways I’ve have numbed it throughout my life from food, to
alcohol or pain pills and weed. I guess this need to fix or solve an issue that
doesn’t fully always exist but in my head where my imagination as I’ve
mentioned tends to run wild and get the best of me sometimes becomes also my
undoing if I let it, but I hope I’m a smart enough cookie to remind myself how
to change and better my life and my circumstances and use this good old
creative noddle for some good more than to destroy myself.
There is some good that has come with the bad over the last
year, I have maintained a weight loss of 140-160 lbs. for about a year now
(depending on if you want to start from my heaviest weight or from when I actively
started being more well active). Though it does remind you how much your own
issues aren’t just rooted in the physical even though sometimes they’re apart
of the struggle for sure.
Especially when society in some ways has had you play this
game of your value being deemed in an outside fashion verses your true personality
or humanity and never feeling like you measured up in either of them, for anyone.
Even yourself at times, once again that mental chatter getting the best of me;
hard to fight it when its something or the only thing you’ve truly ever known
even if it feels odd and just not right most of the time. Or your just sick and
tired of the same bullshit making your day not quiet right.
With trying to find a balance of being more present I have
also found some more struggles to actually find said balance; maybe in the right
way. Though is there really a wrong way to find that if it’s doing good for
you? It’s a double edge sword I guess because its hard to know that till you
start to see yourself doing things that you never thought you’d do. From just
finding a small curiosity being filled to using it to escape your reality or
relax for a moment. To feeling anxiety
over the reaction to it that while it scares you to no end there’s a random
comfort your brain creates to keep you coming back for more, but I think that’s
called addiction. I think we can all become addicted to anything in this world,
be it for the good or the bad just depends on how your letting it effect your
life.
I feel like I’m starting to talk in circles here so let’s
digress some of this talk for a moment and get down to some facts yes, I got
have been staying more active and eating (Mostly) healthier and more balanced.
Yes, I haven’t used cough syrup or pills for anything more
then colds I’ve had since fall of 2018 (yup almost two years of not doing that-
I shocked myself when reading that and realized it was that long, not that I did
it for more than six months or so, but still a triumph I think) and while I
have had my moments with drinking heavily still at times, its been more
socially with others or in times of celebration and with weight loss let’s say I’ve
truly found out how much of a light weight I am. Plus I still am a beer girl
most times then hard liquor (unless its mixed right) and I get sinus issues
when I drink too much anyways.
The latter, the weed still has its moments for that comfort
my brain decided to play a game with me that I started to believe in and see coincidences
to outside of my high in everyday life. It started to alter my sober reality,
not to the point I felt I needed it constantly but times when I was high, I’d
get a thrill from it. It was when, let’s just say it started to effect my life
in ways that could had hurt my future and I had to step back from it, and
slowly over the holidays I fell back into it for a small good bye that turned
into a fantasy I guess would be the best term for it of things that were truly all
in my head and always needed a certain amount to achieve that or for it to be
worth my wild- addiction right?
There was something I noticed though in the last few months
of all this and recently (as its only been 1 week- officially fully sober (from
weed)) with my last few dabbles that my food has become at odds with me again,
either I’m eating too much of the wrong things or not enough of the right things,
and in turn since I get wicked munchies when high my body starts to crave that,
a fully Pavlov’s dog scenario.
Its something that also calms me through the intense parts
of the high, as did that fantasy my brain created (silly little imaginations, that
I’ll keep to myself). I was coping within my coping mechanisms; take that
Leonardo DiCaprio’s Inception. I seriously am only joking at that last part,
its my way of dealing with a situation that I’m not fully ready to admit is a
true addiction, my brain wants to rationalize that if I’m able to stay clean
easily how can it truly be one, but all the red flags are waving and I got one
of those blow up wind guys dancing with his arms flying towards the sign of its
true and its best you learn to accept it and grow and build from there.
The speed bump that made me take a step back made me try to find another fix
and brought a new pet into my life, I tried to sober up after week and felt the
full course of my anxiety coming back full force (with how much I had been
numbing myself) to the anxiety of taking care of an animal near the anniversary
of my last one’s passing. And realizing all in that same instance I wasn’t
mentally or emotionally (or at this time financially) ready for one yet, and
how unfair and selfish I was being and how it wasn’t a right fit and taking
them back to the shelter and feeling (and still feeling) like a complete
asshole even if they got adopted a few days later ( I checked that site daily
till to see her disappear; or more sometimes) it made me realized I hadn’t
fully grieved or gotten to that point yet and maybe it’s the space I’m in
(actual living situation- its not a bad one) and how this was his space for so
long and I felt so odd bringing someone else home, without him.
This only became ten fold since a week ago while dealing
with realizing I can’t be out in public when high (my social anxiety is like Rudolph’s
noise on a snowy Christmas night) or will I ever ride a roller coaster when I can
barley handle hills in a car (someone else driving), but and this may sound hokey
but I feel like my past guy still finds way to show he’s watching over me, and
the random side streets we took that night to avoid freeway traffic turn into a
park that we took him to back way like eight to nine years ago, and that day
and our time walking with him and the person I was. The person I was for him,
even if there are times the guilt, I still deal with for not being in the best
of health being rubbed off on him especially in his later years of life. I wasn’t
being that person anymore (the one who loved and cherished him), and I felt this
was his reminder to me hey, remember this person that you are be them again. I
had to remember I was worthy of that, and I’m still trying to find that space
and still fucking finding little reminders of him poking into my life day by
day since that day as I’ve drank a little more than I should or felt at odds
with really nothing just in life, as my body slowly becomes less consumed with
any substance I’ve had recently.
Is there maybe something I’m dealing with that’s more than anxiety,
I’m not sure I’ve been coping with at least food since elementary school days
as you’ve read if you read these posts (past ones). My heart though with a
little bit of furry love and companionship reminders lately (missed those) has definitely
reminded me of the person I want to be again or try to be.
I want to start working on that person, what she looks like
not just inside because that’s just me being me and loving me and letting myself
find my happy ending without stressing about how long/ quick or weirdly it
comes to pass and enjoying it and finding things in it that spark joy and help
me grow.
I also want to finally just enjoy letting my creative side
show on the outside, yeah I am definitely more a tomboy most days in dress but I
also like to spice it up on occasion and sometimes I feel myself get jealous of
those who let it all shine out, inside and out. While I tried with the blue
hair last summer, it was fading and drying my hair out way to quick to stick
around (I also felt like it became my personality then me it), and wigs at work
running around after kids gets a little too hot for my liking. I’m still up for exploring my self a little
more in different ways, and not just ways that sound dirty in my gutter living
mind LMAO..
I’m ready to face this day by day, week by week and
hopefully year by year and see how I can find that balance in the good and bad
and learn to use my creativity once again in ways to benefit my life and build
my joys and add to those around me. And not just to create wild and glorious fantasies
that will make me look at things/people a little differently at least for the
time being.
