Maybe its just me but as I get a little older the excitement for a New Year is over within the first few weeks of January. I always get ideas and excited over the week between Christmas and end of the year and yet some how; especially with how busy it is at work during that time of the year that it floods into the New Year it loses something.
Or I just don't plan accordingly, perhaps. Last year had its hiccups and while a few more happened in the last few months of the year. The major one I have been dealing with as of late is mostly due to something I've been dealing with for most of my life. My weight.
So many of my issues can be tied to my weight, and I'm not doing myself or my body any favors by sticking to this weight or decided to put off taking care of it, or risking reactions to things that may make me in a worst off state then I am. I hate to say this because it sounds so judgmental but its not meant to be, its part of my own mentality my own self being. When I see people who lose their life (not literally- but physically) to weight gain or disease related to it I always have a voice in my head that is silently freaking out say not me, that wont be me. But I never really change anything to make it possibly one day not be me. Instead I do things that add to the issue, or do things that could make me face my ultimate fear because I don't think about the repercussions, the consequences as it were.
I get bored or get a wild hair, or cant do something because of an issue I'm currently dealing with physically and instead of doing something I "can" do I do something I probably "shouldn't" do and think about it after the fact and go, "Well that was a dumb idea/move." And "Thank God," that didn't end up worse then it did.
Here's the truth, I hate my body. Not for its shape or lack whatever have you, I hate it because I've let it become this barrier this suit of not necessarily protection from the world but possibly protection from myself; maybe. I'm still figuring this all out, I hate that my body weighs me down most of the time that I'm not as mobile as I once was and that isn't just due to the fact that I'll be 30 in May. I hate that I'm not quite sure how things look on me because my visual perspective of what I look like is so screwed and I'm reminded of that when I need to shop for new clothes and things don't fit that use to or the way they should because my shape is different.
Most of all I hate my body because it lately it seems if its not one thing its another thing I'm dealing with as I'm trying to hop back on the fitness bandwagon, which really should be a bandwagon but a life choice but I digress. I get out of breath so easily, I get over heated and sweat like a quick turn on the faucet of water if I'm running around too quick/much ; which half the time isn't really like a running faucet but where I turn clammy and chilled.
My sciatica flares from time to time if I'm doing too much for it or changing up my patterns of activity to non activity frequently. As of late I have developed Plantar Fasciitis in both feet but mostly in my right one to the point if I don't tape my feet with athletic tape my heel feels like someone is putting a knife in it and pulling it down to the ground as I take a step, if I'm on my feet too much throughout the day (recently got shoe inserts to see if they'll help). Also, while it can be normal most of the time, it doesn't take much for my blood pressure to rise and stick in a high zone.. especially when I'm at the doctors it seems.
I could chalk all this up to getting older and my body just dealing with life, but I know better. Yes from the moment where born as we grow into adults we take one more step towards the end of our life and we don't know how long we all got here, but what benefit am I doing to my life to my body to aid it in its own destruction and I know its not gonna get better. My body can only adapt to the issues it dealing with and as it ages it will get harder for it to do so, I've seen this first hand with two people in my life. One being my grandmother who told me not to get old when I was around 10 years old, and when I laughed she sternly told me that she wasn't kidding me as her body failed her long before her mind did and she had to deal with all those issues as her body just couldn't deal anymore.
As well as my pup Stanley, its been over a year but ( and I know I shouldn't but I do) there is still a little but of residual guilt about maybe not feeding him the healthiest or letting him have too much human food, or not walking him more making him more active. I see it now as I look back on pictures. I'm not sure what really caused him to start to decline when he did in health that lead to his passing, but I know just as I can and should take better care of myself and my health. I could have done so with his too; I'm not sure if knowing what caused his passing at the end of the day would make guilt go away either. I know he was old and I know he had a good life and he was loved, but some things you just cant shake and you learn to live with them and learn to make different choices for future pups that may come in to my life.
Maybe that's the way I need to look at it, to be better fit for another pup or any other animal or human that comes into my life I need to be better for myself. Not as a role model that someone looks up to or someone to inspire others. Just that if I take care of myself if I'm mindful about my choices if I treat my body right, then I can be there for myself in this life just as well as anything else that might need me. I mean I'm only human, I'm bound to make mistakes but the only way to move on, the only way to really do something with them besides just sulk in them and relive in them and torment myself about what could have been is to let it go, learn from the mistake and better my life and my choices from what I learnt. We all make mistakes and we all figure things out in our own way, and possibly I need to learn that without them why would we really be here. If we were all these little perfect beings that had it all figured out what would be the purpose at life.
Its all a balance after all, the good with the bad, the mistakes with the success. If your not willing to learn from both the good and bad parts of life you'll never really know how to truly be able to handle and embrace both sides, or life in general.
I'll be honest, I may not start this right away, I may keep it in the back of my mind and think about it and hold on to it. With the intent to start it another day, not that there is any one day that is better then the next, just the one were in. The only one we got.
I want to feel more at home in my body more centered and mindful, but I also know that it takes time and practice and patience and mistakes along the way. I wont always be great at it, and some days I may give up. The only way I fail is if I quit trying. The choice is mine.
