I have all this stuff rolling around in my head and I figure if I get this out and written down my brain will quiet down for a bit and I can focus more on being present and working towards
these things in my life the best I can.
So in no real order here are some things I know for sure:
1) there is a point in my life that I wanna live on my own; pay my own bills and live with just me and maybe a dog or two (perhaps a dog and cat) and worry only about that in my life. At least for a year.. just to say I can live on my own two feet, and I have.
2) Go back to school, I spent a good amount of my life trying to figure out what the world wanted to make me into, instead of what I wanted to make myself in. So worried about belonging and also not being able to be stuck in a box I never really went that far. My current job now, has reminded me of a first love of teaching that someone how in the little kid mind of 5 years old I knew I wanted to be right after I started school; it means more to me to teach the kids at my work then any other thing I do there. So I need to get back to classes and get my degree so I can teach my own class.
3) Goal of mine this year is to start to create more, drawling or writing or just making things out of nothing. Its my little niche of quiet that I get when I'm just in the moment writing or painting that I cherish and want more of in my life to help me in the day to day. I got so obsessed with trying to be perfect in both and waiting for inspiration to hit that I never let it just start to come out on its own, and see what happened.
4) I want get back into reading books more currently, I have a stack of borrowed and my own I need to get through and I have already spied so many at the store and have stopped my self from buying them as well. On the flip side of this I have a longer list of movies I wanna see from the past two years or so. I use to be a Redbox junkie. I have fallen off that bandwagon and I need to catch up.
5) Save money: not just for school but for my future life. Yes its always good to have money for that rainy day as well as I'd like to donate more: not just in funds but in my time as well in doing walks for research or even perhaps one day a run? (not sure on that last part yet)
6) Travel: I wanna see so much of this world around me. Still have Boston on my list as well as New York and many other countries as well. Plus I wanna start taking bi-annual perhaps annual depending on how I can swing it trips to see my family in Colorado again. Keep the connection stronger than I let it become over the years after I graduated high school.
7) Learn: this falls in school category but this part isn't about the teaching degree. I wanna learn languages and an instrument (piano).Plus I wanna be more informed in current events and learn more about the world and what's going on, on all sides of the earth.
8) Random: continue to grow my hair out: I wish it to hit the bottom of my ribs. I want to eat at the blue bayou in Disneyland (perhaps for my 30th birthday). I wanna dance more, get more tattoos (Disney related perhaps), Take more photos that just don't end up as some square on Instagram post. And also see more live theater/musicals and go to more museums.
9) Need to create a sleeping pattern that is more constant then I have at the moment; Listen more and react less. Do all things more so with good intentions not just because I "should" be more positive and less negative; shh the complaints and celebrate more in life with people the good times and the let go of the stress of things that come to pass that aren't so great, the days that are overwhelming and stressful. Remind myself that adulthood is just a frame of mind we all feel like we have no idea what were doing. We only seem like adults on the outside its all about perspective. I wanna lend a helping had were I can but also balance that with living my life to the fullest I can, and remind myself that while I work on myself not to talk down about myself or others all about body positivity. Plus take the moment to be more in the moment, mediate more. And remind myself to be a little silly and goofy more often as well. Showing I care, or helping those out and being there for others or being sensitive and emotional about things doesn't mean I'm weak either.
10) Weight Loss: Perhaps my biggest hurdle in my life and a constant back and forth yo-yo of a span of the last 7 years of my life (started the big gains and lost back in Aug. 2008) and perhaps reason why I started this post back in January and when I got to this number I stopped and kept coming back to the post after a few days/weeks and re read it all and then would walk away the moment I started to think about what to say here.
In a nut shell I let one of my biggest fears become my actual life. I was so scared of doing anything I was interested in or becoming anything I wanted to become not just in fear of what others may think (because if I believe in something/someone enough or my ability I don't care I go for it) of what that made me or who I was, but in doing said things I'd missed out on other opportunities. Other amazing things or people that life had to offer. That I did nothing I didn't have to do, unless it was extremely necessary or important to me to do so. That way I couldn't regret it, I didn't try and fail I didn't miss out on anything because I wasn't doing anything.
And I would wonder why I would get jealous of others and compare myself to where my life was verses theirs or wonder why I didn't have what they had, and would feel less than, and instead of realizing it was me who needed to change I thought it was me against the world.
I needed to be someone completely different, but yet in the same instant I didn't know how to fake it. Not well enough, not with enough self esteem to not feel see through and silly and stupid for trying and then just giving up and not going anywhere.
I ate to cope, when the world seemed so against me and when I felt like I couldn't belong, I found it in food. And when I finally got the taste for alcohol in 2013 I felt myself use that as well, not too the degree in which I ate, but I had my moments in the last year or so. Drinking isn't an issue for me I can take it or leave it, mostly because unlike food when I eat too much give me an hour or two or let me sleep and I feel better in the morning. Alcohol not so much, I've learnt I enjoy a beer or mix drink or two when having dinner out or at a party with family or friends, what have you. But heavy drinking is not my thing, even moderate drinking isn't my thing either.
But with that in mind I've seen how much the parallels of the worlds of food and drinking can become with your addicted to them, or when you already are to one and see it start to become with the other. My drug of choice ( I say this with serious but humor) is food, and I wanna change it, I believe I went to the other side when trying to be healthy in the last few years and would go to the extremes. Counting every calorie obsessing over the foods I would eat or the amount of workouts I would do.
Any it never seemed to be enough, so I would slip back into old habits of eating what did make it seem ok, because food is good it makes me happy (which I have given too much control over me). I'll never be one who doesn't like to eat and enjoy all the flavors of the world, and try something new.
This time, ( I feel like I should phrase that differently..) I'm going for the balance of the workouts the balance of the good and bad for me foods, perhaps make it so that I'm eating opposite of what I have been, where its mostly junk and a few healthy items thrown in when I feel it's needed. Flip it to mostly healthy with a few junk items thrown in when needed.
I have a time line written out on points I wanna meet along the way instead of just half way and goal esp. since I need to lose about 170lbs. (I'm 334lbs last time I weighed in back in January) I hoping it will help me this time to space out my weight loss progress as well as keep me in check along the way.
In the same token while I'd rather lose it and be done, I know it will take time and I'm ok with that but I want to be in a healthy range which would be 174-164 for me (aka the 170lbs lost) and my goal is to be there by my 30th birthday (I turn 28 in May).
So as the say in Mulan : LETS GET DOWN TO BUSSINESS!
