Besides this epic blog post would only be really inspirational in the time I wrote it, meaning it'd probably lose its powers as I slept tonight. I've come to a lot of realizations lately and I've even written them out here in a few paragraphs and deleted them and tried to rewrite them and felt like I was not gonna write this post after all.
I'm not trying to complain and I'm not knocking my child hood but I will say when you grow up middle class and you share to get by or just get by and do a lot of hand me downs and cheap things and not get to experience a lot of things, as getting or even doing you tend to start to crave the want for something of your own. Something that is just "yours" why I figure as I grew up I learnt to hide food or take bigger servings then I needed/wanted to make sure I got as much as I wanted in case I couldn't get more later, because well I may not have always gotten "what" I wanted or "done" what I wanted I was never not fed. Food was always there, regardless if I needed it or not, and I've also some how gotten stuck in the habit (most days) of cleaning your plate method my mom instilled in me even though a puke accident in the back of the car after being sick and told to finish my happy meal even though I said was full didn't end so well.
Perhaps its one of those old habits die hard kind of thing, which in reality as stated above they wont die unless you find a new one to replace it with. Though hiding food or eating more of it became something to do because when families go for seconds you only get what you go after till its gone. So my brain connected get it now or you'll never find it again and I've realized I still struggle with that today; aka last Friday when I felt I had made myself so full to the point I felt I was gonna puke (though I didn't). The feeling of fullness became this unconscious goal to realize I had finally gotten my fill, instead of eating to fuel myself or even say take the edge of the hunger. I've only recently began to realize the full understand of being full. Its more of a satisfied state then a literal sense of the word.
But like I mentioned in I was looking for this thing that was my "own" so when I started to work and make money it became a habit to start getting food I wanted and eating as much of it as I wanted as often or as late as I wanted, and if it wasn't food it was items; clothes, music (especially when I was younger) or even movies as well.
I realized I'm still looking for that thing and its probably a main reason why I wanna live on my own for year too, to say this is my place and I'm paying my way.
Something else I also realized, I already have something of my own. My body, its no one else's and well I haven't really taken good care of it and its really been letting me know that lately and I think a big thing about that is my weight, I've cared it so long that its probably not only hindered things like my sciatic nerve and my running out of breath after climbing stairs and my menstrual cycle. Its probably physically aged me as well, I probably have the health of someone much older not a 27 year old.
I wanna write all the things I wanna do in here, but I feel like at this point in life actions speak louder then words so its time to get to work. I'll make another post soon.
