Too awake to go back to sleep for a few hours and don't want to go to the gym right now being too early, watch TV and finish my coffee and browse the internet.
Think about the blog ideas I had last night and think of attempting a new blog or start of the possible three blogs had planned before sleep over took my brain last night.
Seriously contemplating a nap now.
.... my morning in a nut shell.
I haven't made a post since I got back from my Colorado trip back in late January early February, I have had thoughts of what I wanted to write about and then forgot about it or just lacked the inspiration to really sit down and write.
My mind has wanted to make blog posts about my life, women's body image and self esteem issue, my weight loss and a whole lot more. But that is in fact my brain, scattered at best most days.
Lack of sleep (only 4-5 hours) last night may make this post seem a little more scattered than most, however I wanted to type some of this out of my head before it exploded. This is why I write because I need to express it some how, I need to get what's mulling around my head out every once and while.
Its therapeutic in a way, like going to the gym. I have actually been going on a semi constant basis (3-4 times plus a week or more) since the first of Nov. I think in all that time I have maybe skipped 2-2 1/2 weeks totally, part of that being the days in Colorado that I did nothing (no snowman making or tread run) and one week or so that snuck up on me out the blue when taking a few mental days off.
To say I've lost a ton of weight is not true but also true in a sense that I've lost close to 30 lbs. now but also in that time frame I haven't always been the best with food choice or even in my sleep patterns so while my body is defiantly showing some changes and tone up in places. I've had to buy a few new clothes for my wardrobe so I don't look like a droopy baggy mess it could be better. Though I have to shake my head and tell myself it is good and not to knock my progress as of late. It could have been better but it also "could" have been worse.
I get stuck in my head a lot time with the ideal of what I should be doing and looking like and all this other stuff that my body image goes up and down on a daily, or hourly basis (some days) at least in my own head.
I can have days where my self esteem is so high and I feel awesome and amazing and my workouts just boost me up and encourage me to be better and even if my food isn't all healthy I know the balance is better than trying to limit myself or restrict myself from foods that I will later binge on.
Though I have days where I watch the clock in the gym and look at myself in every mirror I see, and pick my body apart. Asking myself why I'm not showing more results in the way my body is losing weight (or at worst comparing it to others at the gym or I see in passing or on TV) or telling myself I need to be better at my food I need to get better and sticking under calories and finding out calorie limits for the weight I want to be at. I tell myself to stick to those instead of slowing lowering them as my body loses weight to fit my body's needs not my want to lose weight quicker.
Though I have found my solution to keep work outs up most days, even if I'm just going through the motions of a standard work out I do all the time and I'm looking at the clock every 5-10mins while I'm there. It's better than not going at all right? For me the best thing to do is to pack my gym bag before bed at night and when my sleepy brain (in the morning) try's to tell me a nap after work sounds so much better and that I should just skip it, I tell my head to "Shhh" and focus on waking up, on making my breakfast, (and lunch/snack for before the gym) on eating, on getting ready for work on just browsing the internet. Focusing on my job, so that when my work day is done the gym just seems like the natural next step to take of my day. I try to spend most of my energy in the present moment and while its not always 100% all my focus I try 75-85% time to make it so every day.
Some days I go through the motions but I'm in my head, and feel totally not connected at all. Other days I think about quitting all together but my sciatica tells me why I can't. (That little bastard is a gift from God) I see weight on the scale drop or feel or see changes in my body and I get motivated again, or I get inspired by others stories or get pissed at way people are treated for their bodies and I want to make a stand. Its all a case by case basis or well day by day and I have noticed a lot of the time my sleeping patterns effect it and so do my food choices. More so my sleep if I don't get enough or I sleep too much as well, still working on the balance there. While my food I may over eat on a day or so and feel a little off it doesn't really effect me too much, unless I let it slip up BAD one day or over a couple day period. While sleep (or lack of) can kinda make a change over night.
At the end of the day I know why I'm doing this all, something that I want to go in detail about in a later blog (that I promise wont take me three months to write) and the reasons why I haven't given up this time and I feel like I'm seeing better results this go around body shape wise than before, even when I realize I have only made a small dent in my weight loss in comparison to where I need to be(Need- being health reasons).
