At times I get so lost in these thoughts that I forget about current life and everything going on around me, only letting myself focus at the task at hand till I can go back in to my own mind, and in a sense day dream my life away.
I have spent a lot of time in my head wondering how things should be in my life and how the next steps in my life should go, and than I realize something when I'm so busy in my head planning the what if's the could be's what happens to now? This is all you have right now, the moment were in. When the future comes we only know it as now, sure its great to have some goals and some direction in life but to forget about everything you can be grateful for right now, to not enjoy the moment your in right now... what's the point. You'll always wanting to be somewhere else, five steps ahead with no where to walk because its not there yet. That's why we trip up and get negative and caught up in the what they heck will I do! We start to try to make a future that isn't even likely happen in an instant, instead of joying the life that we have right now.
I've written a lot in here about what I want my life to be, who I wanna be. Though in the back of my head or in my soul I know that in a way I already know who I am, sure I haven't experienced a lot of things in life but that only molds you in a small way on the grand scheme of things. What I know is that I'm a good person, I wear my heart on my sleeve, I like to think I'm compassionate in the things and people I care for, more so then my own self at times. I'm goofy and at times immature (as mom would say "That is so un-lady like") though I'm smart and would love to have a deep conversation on my views about the world, religion and etc. with I hope anyone (both of us open minded).. I love to understand where people are coming from, on anything or hearing stories of peoples life.
Reading through a few entries from when I first started writing in this blog 4 years ago has made me realize a lot of these things have changed and I have so grown as a person in the pass 4 years as well. I know I still have my demons as every one has and I know I will continue to have my bad days with my self esteem and etc. as well as my good ones. Though when I look past just me, when I look out into this world my mind boggles at the idea of how I sometimes get so stuck in thoughts I make for myself that my day, my month, year and that my life is going so bad. When its actually pretty damn good, and then I also realize why I hide in my own world sometimes when I see how others have it, and it makes my heart ache esp. when I know at this point in my life I can't do much to help some.
I've learned lately in that I just need to as Elsa says "LET GO!!" haha but its true. Let go of expectations that more then anything I've put on myself just for the sake of getting by, when there need not be one. I'm tired in playing into the games of playing it small of being afraid of what someone might say or not think about me. I cant stop anyone from doing such, just like I can't stop you the reader having comments in your head about this post. Unless I just completely block everyone out and write it just for myself, but that still proves my point.
What makes this world unique is the fact that there are so many different beliefs and people and opinions and colors and just its magical when you think about it.
How boring would life be if we all had the same thoughts the same views the same looks, blah!
I have wrote one or two of these in the past and I know some of these things might be on repeat but i think its time to bring in another, things I know for sure....
I have never felt more myself more confident in who I am then I have at this moment, this isn't to say that come tomorrow I wont have what is called an "ugly day" or have moments where I'm at a lost because that is human nature. Also not to say that in 3-5 years time or even shorter then that, when I read through this I feel like right now compared to then I had no clue.
Most days at least lately I haven't felt the need to eat just for the sake of eating, I actually find it harder to make up my mind on what I wanna eat most days and at times forget to eat till my stomach growls in reminder. That isn't to say that I don't want to get back to the gym and focus on losing the extra weight I have gained, but that isn't a thing of I need to do it to feel more myself its more of I need to actually function daily to go about my day with more gusto than I can right now because physically I just can't. There are times I feel the need to be moving around like crazy when say interacting with a school group on stage or playing with Stanley and then I have to tone it down because I lose my breath lose my step etc. I want this to better my abilities not to make me more complete.
My weight is my weight, not who I am. My size in pants is my pants size not what type of person I am. I want to be healthy not a certain size, weight or what have you. And yes while I'm confident in the person I am I want to be confident in the body that I have. In that I want to feel secure in myself physically but not in a number or size but in how I feel each day good or bad and adjust accordingly. I know I get antsy moments and ya know, that's my body saying hey I'm not done with the day yet lets do something lets get up and move.
I know I want a balance life of eating well and eating what I want, but also having the ability to do things like run around with my future kids. Hell be able to carry my future kids. Yes, I have come back to the wanting kids path, and I really don't think I ever left it. I just felt so scared of it of knowing once I end up having kids once I find that guy to be father to my future babies there is no going back to the life I had prior to kids, once their there. But to know you have to raise them and shape them and it never ends, even once you get to my age and older I'm sure because I know my mom is still teaching me things and still helping me grow even now that I'm an adult. That just total intimate connect got the best of me, especially when I've never had a date let alone a connection more then a friendship with a guy to know how it all works. I figured I'd be a single lady the rest of my life a crazy cat lady so to speak, but no cats.. dogs. LMAO.
I believe it will happen one day, maybe not anytime soon but I'm ok with that. I'm not quite at the point in my life to have that all happen yet, but there is no time line for me to have that. I know I'd love it to happen within the next ten years or so because of physical reasons it just gets harder to conceive the older we get. But as I know looking back on entries in just 4 years so much can change and so a total world shift could happen in the next ten, and I really, really look forward to that and in a way I'd love to know my future and know what's all in store for it. Though, why take the magic out of the life that has yet to come, focus on my life now and make it so great that when that time comes I got stories to tell.
I want a marriage, I want a family that comes together at the holidays (or weekends) with all the good stuff of the cold ass winters, the leaves changing in the fall and the summers that are still hot as hell but in the end the memories the connections we create make the life that I want the peace of having that means more then winning the lottery. I love my family I do but we are so disconnected in life now, my mom and I here in California, my dad and brother with my dads side of the family in Colorado and my mom's side (what's left) in Missouri. I want a big family get together like I use to have when I was kid at Christmas, yes it was just my dad's side of the family but those are the memories I remember best and I miss those and I think that beside the factor that the weather pulls me out of the season more then a lot of things the main culprit is the who missing family experience. So I wanna create that again, with the one I make even if that means its more my husbands family then mine I wouldn't mind. (I'm blabbering here with a smile on my face)
Though to step back a few years because this wont be for a few to come, besides getting into shape to help me do the things I want/need to do in my life (like said things above) I also know that I wanna go back to school, maybe just to focus on a few topics learn some languages and perhaps get a degree or not. I wanna move out on my own and live by myself for at least a year before I do all said things as mentioned above.(Kids and Family Part) Part of me wants to do this in a place that is all new, ya know move to a totally different state with only a job and a place to call home every day and build a life there or try to. Away from a lot of things, not to say I'm trying to run away from things in my life as of now, I just know it would be good for me to focus on building a life that only I have to answer for.
I wanna to write more and perhaps one day publish a book, all those day dreams I mentioned before they can be put good use when I actually think of a story to write about instead of my own life made into a soap opera in my head at night before I go to bed. I wanna learn languages at least the moment relearn Spanish enough to use it, and also sign language. I wanna draw more, perhaps one day make a children book(s) I don't wanna cage myself to one thing the rest of my life, there is one line in a movie once that rubbed me the wrong way the mother told her daughter, "This is your life, don't get creative." Isn't that what your life is for? To get creative to make mistakes to fall in love, to dream and inspire the world around you to be a better place. To help others when in need just because they are in need.
I want all this, to slowly start to unfold in my life. To start to test the waters so to speak.
In that same token I want to be a little be more adventurist in the things I do, to not skip out on the life I've already made for myself here see where that can take me while I live it and explore and learn create, new experiences and through friendships I have made here as well, . Meaning the whole get up go to work come home and walk Stanley and be done with the day need to change up if the opportunity arises that I can mix it up a bit why not. Life is meant to be lived, not spent waiting on the moment for it all to start because if you keep waiting for that convenient moment for your life to begin I'm afraid you've already missed it.
Thanks for reading.. esp. if you made it this far. Dang I wrote a novel (what happens when you don't write for almost two months)
