I feel like in a way I'm trapped in this never ending stage of what if's of what do I want for my future where do I wanna go from here. No more maybe's no more possibilities... time to really just start something and finish it and grow a little in the process perhaps. I'm starting to think about what I really want in life and what I really don't. And if all those things are really set in stone or if their just something I feel right now at this moment in my life that might change later down the road.
As of lately my mind has gone back to having kids or not having kids and while for most of my life I was always semi aware that I wanted one or two (or 5-10 as I said when I was about 20 years younger then I am now) but at this time in my life I wasn't ready. Now as of late, I'm not really into the idea of having them and at moments I think its just because I know in my heart I'm not ready for them yet but then I think of later in life, and I don't see it anywhere in the near future either.
This might all have something do with a reality check so to speak of the fact that I'm 25 years old and I've never done a single thing besides hug a boy and be his friend. (No kissing, slow dancing, dating, and no I have never had sex.) Though this is stuff I've known for every year that none of this stuff happens, so what is the change? Can it have to do with I deal with kids every day I go to work from the young to the teenage/pre adults and that my want for them is lessen by this sheer experience of manning groups of kids on a field trip day in day out for a couple day straight here and there during the school year/ summer school time?
Don't get me wrong I love my job, but never before working so closely with so many kids did I ever think I'd start to change my mind on having my own. Do I believe I'll never have kids, I'm not so sure.. I think it might happen one day I haven't totally said no to the idea but there are days when I deal with some troublesome kids that make me wanna say yes: "I WILLL NOT! BE HAVING KIDS!" But my mind always reminds me these aren't gonna be your kids (hopefully) so don't judge what could be on what your seeing now, when if they do happen at this point they aren't even born yet.
I'm more in the mood to get a Cat or another Dog but till I live on my own that won't be happening.
Speaking of living on my own I get more and more anxious every other day or so to have my own space to live on my own to have my own place to come home to every night. Maybe it has to do with ever since I changed my room around and put my bed on the opposite wall I've felt off about the room itself and I want put my bed on that other wall again, but I'm not entirely sure if that will help.
A lot of me thinks that some type of sense of security and happiness will come to me when I can finally move out and live on my own and pay my own way and all of my bills. And I know I want that for myself and to live on my own (as I've mentioned in here before more then once) before I ever do find that guy (if I ever do and ever go down that path) and settle down.
Though when it comes to my own place I start to think of if I wanna live in California all my life or for a long while or if those white winters will be enough to drag me back to Colorado one day... or will my missing of my Dad and other family members break the camel's back and bring me back to where I was born. Do I really wanna go back when I know for the most part as little of a life as I've made for myself it is here (in Cali) right now. I don't have friends out there really, yes some childhood people I knew back in K-5 grade perhaps but good luck finding them.
I feel much like I'm in a limbo state/stage of life right now esp. at my job I'm down 1/3 months of probation and everything seems to being going well. I'm just bummed with a few changes here and there that have been happening coworkers that I love seeing are now leaving for other jobs or spending more time at new ones they got. Work just isn't quite the same the more people I connected with leave. Once one more person leaves (which they are in Sept.) I will be the last of my group who got hired in at the same time. Like I mentioned in the last post a lot of the time when I get a moment I think of where else I'd go if I did what else would I do. I'm pretty sure I never wanna do retail ever again, (minus when I do it at work in our gift shop) and I'm not entirely sure if I did go back to school what I'd go back for.
All I know right now is I need to vacuum my room before I change it back (or move the bed back over to the opposite wall) and really think out all my opinions and maybe just maybe let life breath for awhile stop thinking so much of what it could be in the future and focus on what I can make of it right now instead of just what little is that I let it be, when I know I can do so much more (in general and well as always in getting better and being healthy... that's still a big goal of mine even if I've not really let myself do anything about it as of late.) then I have been doing.
