Where you start to make plans and have grand ideas because you feel on top of the world where two seconds ago you swear you were on your death bed with this common cold you caught?
Yes I know your asking, I got a cold again? Didn't I have one last post where I thought these same things... yes and yes.
You see April seemed to be a good month when it started I was getting my head clear and focused planning things for when the busiest time of year at my work would be over and I could have time to work gym and other things into my schedule. Than it all sort of came tumbling to a halt so to speak.
On April 5th last minute on a random Facebook check as I got ready for bed I clicked on a story of a car crash from a friend's post about the town I use to live in before I moved north about 6 years ago.
I think I read through the story quickly and it mentioned a girl from my town I first moved to and lived in when moving here from where I was born. It had stated she had died, I decided to really re-read this article to see if I might recognize the name. Unfortunately I indeed did, I stared at that name for what felt like 5 minutes in shock and disbelief. I commented on the story link asking the friend who had posted it if this was indeed the same person we both knew. I sent the link to the girl in the article's mother asking as softly as I could if this was her daughter, and expressing my dearest condolences if it was.
I had my mom read the story, and she asked if it was who she thought, I told her I think so but I wasn't sure. I went to bed that night tears in my eyes not quite sure how to feel with no real fact that it was truly her and hoping some how that perhaps it was some other girl with the same name sadly.
The next morning I went to Facebook, grabbing my phone from my dresser and crawling back into bed, someone had finally posted using my friends account with a statement that read that yes she was in an accident and sadly she did not make it. My mind raced so much as I read all the comments on her page from friends I knew from high school and middle school that she knew, pictures (that were tagged with her in it them that continued for weeks on end after this as well) and I got out of bed and dug through my storage box in my closet for my photo album. I found pictures from our high school days and I used the I-pad that I brought in my room the night before to really check Facebook better before I went to bed and started to Instagram collages and try not cry.
I finally had expressed all I could on Facebook and Instagram. I went back and looked at her page and I though of our memories, I thought of how on the first day of February she had turned 25 years old. It had only been two months and 4 days since she had been 25 and her life had been taken from her. I felt like anything I didn't wanna do I could not say I had to live I had to do things or it was an insult to her, here I was still living while for no reason she was gone. I couldn't let a moment go to waste, but I was so beside myself that beside work I was quiet and did nothing much at all.
That morning after all my posts I cried slightly to myself and Stanley (my dog) came up and put his head on my hip and just let me pet him. I didn't really cry a lot after that I had mini little teary eyed moments when I was by myself on a rare moment at work, or on the way home or to work in the car. I had my thoughts that when I was finally at home alone I'd cry has long and loud as I wanted, I just didn't want my mom which was old because you think I would. Though I never really did that full on sob out. The last time I really truly cried was at her service when I went to hug her mom, I had made it through her aunt and her dad, but when I got to her mom and we talked a little and I showed her my necklace (an elephant- because they were her favorite) I choked up and her mom hugged me and thanked me for coming and for being her friend. My mom came with to the service since she knew her and her family and her mom was tearing up after talking to my mom as well and we cried harder and hugged each other as well.
I had a small world moment at the service when going to meet up with a friend who knew her as well I ran into one of my coworkers who works in the office part and runs meetings I go to. She had known her as well, they were in girl scouts together. We were both in awe and shock over the entire thing.
After that April seemed to drift by slowly I never really thought much about anything besides going to work and coming home and trying to get use to life again. It's like you forget what's really when you have something that big happen to you, and you have no focus. Towards the end of April the day of the Boston marathon bombings my mom came home and mentioned she actually had to go to Boston for a class her job wanted her to take for a week the last couple days of April into the first couple days of may.
Thankfully the whole issue was settled at least with capturing the guys in charge with that before she had to go. Though Stanley and I were once again left to our own devices. I started to think about life and my future again, since I was on my own for a couple days and it reminded me of how I wanted this one day, to be on my own to have my own place before I ever settle down with anyone.
It's ironic because the first couple days I spent missing my mom and our routine of things we do day to day, but I realized now that she has been home a good 24hours now I got into my own routine and its almost like ugh I want it back for as much as I missed you while you were gone.
Any event, also besides wanting to eventually live on my own I started thinking of how my birthday was coming up (Day after tomorrow in fact- well since its after midnight as I type this tomorrow.. lol)
I'm turning 25 years old, I started to re-read some of my entries on here esp. my what I want before I turned 25 and some others where I list things in my life I know for sure thinking of what I want to know/do accomplish before I'm 30. it's fun to look back, a lot of the reason why I love to write and also to take pictures how else will you know how you were back then without a record of it?
I've been thinking a lot about my future and what I want from it, and I've realized that I cant really say I have a plan for anything right now. Though I know a few things I can see that would make me happy.
-->To finally have weekends off, only work weekdays. You know like normal people? Or as much as possible.
--> Be able to dress in a business casual way and not in a uniform all the time. I'd really like to pick out and buy nice clothes to wear to work instead of the same old black pants and polo that they give you (which I need to exchange for a new set they're getting faded and holey now)
--> Make enough that I can move out and live in my own place for a year (or more) w/ Stanley of course. ( I'm still dying to one day design my entire place from artwork to furniture to perhaps even paint colors)
I know I have more inside this noggin, but they aren't jumping out at me at the moment. I do know one thing for sure. (see picture below)
I'm not all there yet and that's ok. If I think about it most people aren't ever all the way there, and I heard this today and I quite liked it.
It was in a song on a show I watched called Smash, its a called Vienna by Billy Joel. One of the characters sang it to another that had actual passed away in a previous episode and they were remembering him from before.
The lyric went
"You got your passion you got your pride
But don't you know that only fools are satisfied?"
It just made me think, in this life if your satisfied with what you have and you don't want anything else, what's the point in moving and living. Kinda like a man who isn't busy living is busy dying.
I just know that I don't think I'll ever have a moment were I'm fully good with life, content in a moment sure. Though why settle half way through when the best has yet to come?
Take your life and make it yours, change what you need to change and keep what you like all the same...
sounds like a cheesy lyric or line but truth none the less. Reminds me of something I wrote pretty much a year ago to this day (in this blog nonetheless)
I'm not at all sure where this life will take me or what I want from it at this moment, but why not fix the things I'm not happy or comfortable with that I can change and see were that leads me.
Yes, its come back to my weight I've kept it pretty steady since new years never really getting higher than my highest I was which is still the heaviest I've been ever. Regardless of it all I know I wanna be back to what I was before. That is my first and foremost goal, not to get down to my original goal not to get down to the starting point I was at when I first started to lose weight, that number isn't or shouldn't be in my head anymore.
I wanna be back down to the lightest I remember myself to be back when I was working out regularly and not always eating the best but trying better than I have been. This time better on all accounts. I'm tired of getting sick and then getting better and saying I will and never doing so till I get sick again and than saying I will for next time and repeating the cycle all over again.
I wanna be able to be myself and doing that comes with not having this extra weight literally (and metaphorically) weigh me down anymore. First step start working out slowly (Wii fit and zumba etc. till I can not have a runny nose the moment I get a little to active aka once this cold has gotten the good old' boot out the door)
Getting my foods better and than really getting to the gym around work as well. I have my goals I have my ideas but I think this time its just gonna be do it to be healthy to make it a way of life and get in the best shape of my life to be the best me I can be to have the best life that I want so i'm not being pulled back anymore by the weight I've let hold me back for to long, because I didn't think I was good enough because DAMNIT I AM!
Even if I haven't gotten the clearest picture of what that is yet (to the quote in the picture above)
