They always say it’s best to stick with the good news first
when it comes to having both good news and bad. Well, I don’t know who they are
but I think that advice is pretty sound.
The good, is that it has been now officially just over 8
months since I have had my job now. YAY! Go me! Plus I got my review in a
couple days ago and it was all good and I was told I was an asset to the company
and that to keep up the good work and that everyone enjoys working with
me. Whoot makes me feel a little more
secure in my job position. Also maybe in small ways makes me like my job a lot
more knowing its going somewhere especially when they say that they want to
help me grow within the company as well.
Now the bad, I’m almost at the point of being over about
even talking about it anymore, sometimes I just want to give up and move on but
the tightening of my waist band on my pants is stopping me from throwing in the
towel and doing so completely.
I must admit though
in some way (most) I have lost the motivation and inspiration I once had for
this, but I’ve also lost a lot of that for most things in my life right now. I
feel like I’m in no man’s land just drifting by waiting for a cause to wake me
up and start me new again, than again when I say that I feel like I’m talking
out of my ass.
Part of me wants to get started once and for all on this weight
loss thing and get down to the weight I want to be at and feel like I think I will
when I get there, though part of me thinks that even at goal weight that may
not happen so why even bother.
Though part of me doesn’t necessarily agree with that since
I can’t stop thinking about changing my eating habits and getting back into the
gym again. Sometimes I also think that I eat the way I do to feel something or
at least have something interesting in my day even if it’s something yummy or
something labeled “bad” for you which in retrospect seems childish.
Maybe that is in fact what
this all is, my want to hold on to my childhood to not let go or hell my
rebellion that we go through when growing up since I never really did that
growing up, and never really did act out or anything in that sort of manner
that some kids do.
I also think that is a lot of mumbo-jumbo and while could be
some small hidden truths there I don’t quite know what it is that makes me eat
the way I do; I know I’m an emotional eater. Stress especially, and a lot
lately I just feel like I’m stressed out because I still don’t have any life
direction and it’s made oh so clear by people around me moving on in their
lives.
Moving out on their own: getting married, having kids. It’s
just this all sudden … hey wait a second? When did we become grown-ups or when
did everyone else and why do I still feel like a little kid who hasn’t quite
grown up yet. It reminds me about how
when people see you after a long time and they say oh you haven’t changed a
bit! And while I guess it should be a compliment it also feels like a dig especially
when said person saying it (or anyone really) has so much more to their life
than you do. Also it feels like hey you haven’t done shit in your life,
congratulations!
Part of me is realizing in all this it’s my narcissistic
need to get over myself again and realize it’s not about me, I have an issue
where I feel like every little face or laugh or whisper is something said about
me good or bad it’s about me and for some reason if it is I WANNA KNOW! I
really don’t know why but I just have always had this weird vibe that every
chuckle behind my back is a joke at my expense and every weird look is some negative
thought about me that said person is thinking. When in reality I know I’m not
that important and I need to have a jump off my high horse.
In all that I believe it’s just because I’m not as assured
with myself as I’d like to be not happy with the person in the mirror as I’d
wish to be. Not to say I’d want to be
totally content every day with appearance, there are days where I could care
less and sweats(or yoga pants) and a comfy t-shirt are just what are needed.
Though I must say I have totally not felt like myself since I chopped my hair
off, yes it’s cute and its fun for the most part but it’s just not me. I want
to be able to throw it up when I want to I want to be able to curl it when I
want to. I miss my hair and as I guess as vain as this sounds my hair is a part
of me, a part of my identity.
Just like I guess feeling my healthiest and feeding my body
right and making it strong are probably key components in feeling like myself
more so than stuffing my face with cakes and sodas are. Plus the after math of
bloated belly and sugar over-load gross out ness is never ever fun.
Neither are the lately winded breaths after taking the
stairs up at work whenever I have to go up them. Or the fact that just four
hours of standing on my feet they start to ache and what use to be just some
tired soreness of being on my feet for an eight hour day becomes what I would
feel after an all-day walk around Disneyland from waist down.
I guess in the end it’s not about the flat stomach, the rock
hard body or the bikini it’s about the inner strength that comes through when
you’re putting your best foot forward in life and giving it your all. And letting
your body work its magic the way it was meant to, in a healthy/ balanced way.
I think once I got me figured out and balanced in the head
and body, I’ll be able to jump off that cliff so to speak and figure out my
life dreams and goals and be where I want to be.
