The month of May instead of getting back to the gym I went here and there with really, no rhyme or reason to it. I also didnt really eat better, that was one day here and there as well. In the process I gained a good oh ten pounds over that month and am now I'm less than 20lbs from my heaviest weight that I started at when I started losing weight about almost four years ago.
I keep feeling down on myself to get better or just give up period, trust me its crossed my mind, and that doesnt help. I also keep getting inspired to do a total turn around late at night when instead of going to bed at a decent hour I ponder websites of weightloss stories and look at before and afters and other pictures of actresses and models I wished I looked like instead myself; not a big confidence/self-esteem booster.
Though I have to say all the junk while in the first moments it taste good and in theory it always sounds delcious I have to say the truth at the end of it not always the best part of my day. Not to say I always regret the junk or the sweets or whatever it may be. Though its not the highlight of my day which I guess food shouldnt be, but for as much as I let myself indulge it seems lately you think it would be.
Besides all that when I've been not working I dont do anything when I can. I mostly just sit around and think maybe I should or maybe this day when I'm off again or after work on the way home this day. I guess the only bright side to that whole contemplation, is that I've been working now (as of this past tuesday) for seven months. What a change around huh? I wish I could say that about a lot more in my life right than I do.
I need to set up some type of plan or schedule for each week and follow through with it, and unless for some odd not-seen reason things change that mess up that said schedule do everything that I plan on it that I know from the past sucess, works. I guess in the end when I get back to 50lbs lost again (or even my once upon acheived mark of 60lbs) I can say in a way I have lost 100lbs, but not really.
Though if I can lose it once I can lose it again and than again and than a little more to get to goal. Sometimes I feel like I need to stop weighing myself so much or at least making that my one marker I go by. Yes I measure myself with a tape measure once a month and see changes in that when I do and how my clothes fit, and trust me this time when I gained the weight back I didnt blame the washer/dryer for shrinking my clothes this time. I think it was more because I was in tune to what I was doing to my body or what I in fact "WASN'T" doing for my body that let me know what was up. When before I wasn't paying the attention to it nor did I really conciously care THAT much till I weighed in at 300lbs +.
I will definately for sure not let myself get back up to that no way siree. I just think that there is more to this weighing in measureing and etc etc. Maybe its the part where I learn more about myself and my body and how it works and how it's better when its treated right and it's healthy and strong (not thin and skinny just for the sake of being so). Than what life comes of that because when it's health and strong, I will feel that as well.
I need to start to get back into celebrating myself and my life and with that comes at living it in my terms and in how I feel comfortable. And this extra weight as I have mentioned does "NOT" make me feel comfortable in my skin.
I still want to get down to my goal weight by the time I turn 25 next year, and I wanna do a lot of other things and be in a different mind set, and perhaps part of my life by than. Because for any of this to happen I need to be, clear headed not scatter brained. Time to shake what's loose out and get focused again.
